Finding Relief
by TwistedforTwilight
Summary: When Bella loses her husband, Edward, in a tragic accident, to what length will she go to find relief? Edited: M for Coarse language and mentions of sex. All human. M sexy times. JasperxBella
1. Careless Whispers

**AN: Take it easy on me. This is my first attempt at writing. I had a dream about a scene a built a story around it. My dream won't start until about chapter 5 because I had to set up the story.**

**I guess this is where I have to tell you I don't own twilight or any of it's characters. **sniff, sniff** **

**5/9/10 UPDATE!! Apparently, Ffn decided to delete some of the punctuation. The series of punctuation that I used to separate scenes was deleted due to this update, which seems to be the only change that needs to be made, so I just wanted to let everyone know to bear with me while I correct this story. It will take some time. **

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**Chapter 1 **

Breathing heavy and sweating I wake up again. I glance at the clock for the fourth time…4:20am. Shit.

The funeral was seven months ago for fucksakes. I had to stop waking up every hour on the hour hearing the phone ring again as it had that unusually hot September night when the frantic voice of my mother-in-law, Esme called to tell me of the accident.

Apparently, the Michigan State Trooper at the scene figured it would be better to notify her instead of his own wife? What were they thinking? That I would have taken the news better from her? I don't know but I can still remember that call like it happened five minutes ago. The call that shattered my world.

**flashback**

_I awoke with a start and jump out of bed from hearing "Copacabana" by Barry Manilow , that was the cue that my husband's mother was calling my cell phone. Normally, when I hear this song I let the call go to voicemail. Not that I don't like Esme, I loved my mother-in-law. She was like the mother I never had, considering my real mom left my dad and I when I was the tender age of 13 to pursue her new destiny…what was it? Oh yeah, Phil. No, Esme was just a chatterbox and I am what Edward referred to as "not a phone person"._

_Esme? It's 2:30 fucking o-clock in the morning, what the hell??? This can't be good, can it?_

"_Esme? What's going on? Is everything OK?" I say immediately. I hear silence and I think some…what? Moaning? What the hell, did she fall asleep on her phone and accidently hit m number on speed dial? I chuckle and am just about to start screaming into the phone to wake her ass up when I hear the moaning turn into full out sobbing. _

_Esme found her voice and all but shrieks. "Bella, it's Edward. He's been in a car accident. They won't give me any more information. He is at the hospital. "_

"_I am on my way." I whisper because I can't seem to breathe in enough air to speak normally. _

"_Would you like me to come pick you up?" Is she kidding me? "No, I'll meet you there." I say and then press the end button. Little did I know at that moment to what degree pressing that "End" button meant to my life._

**end of flashback**

I go to the bathroom to take care of business. The usual…toweling off and taking my anti-anxiety medication just to get me to calm the fuck down. At least, the crying has stopped. That is an improvement, I guess. I suppose I am just all dried up by now - I have not shed one single tear in months. I go back to bed, lying back just trying to get my breathing back to normal, I grab and begin rubbing the small trinket that I kept on my nightstand when I start to remember, yet again, how, I became a twenty-four year old widow and how I am pretty much all alone in this world.

**flashback**

_As I sped towards the hospital, my thoughts were directed to that afternoon. Edward was getting ready for the afternoon shift at the hospital. He had been working as an Intern in the Pediatrics department at St. Mary's for the last year. We were discussing one of his patients, a six-year-old girl with Leukemia named Ashley. She had been in remission for over six months and she came back last week because her disease had advanced to a level that proved she would not be leaving the hospital again alive. Edward was determined to make sure that she was as happy as possible for her last days. He had planned for a magician to arrive about 3pm to entertain in the children's wing which meant that he would be starting his shift an hour early. He was just as excited as the kids and promised to show me a trick or two when he got home. With that he waggled his brows and squeezed my sides. He kissed me as I squirmed and wiggled in his clutches._

_My last thought as I was turning into the parking structure at the hospital was did I tell him I loved him before he left today. I couldn't remember._

_How much had I taken for granted?_

_I enter the hospital via the ER and searched for any sign of Carlisle. I don't see him immediately so I run up to the front desk when I notice out of my peripheral vision Alice and Emmett, Edward's brother and sister, sitting in a nearby waiting room. How did they get here so fast? I was easily 20 minutes closer to the hospital then either of them? I run over to find out if they knew what was going on and am stopped in my approach as they turn toward me. Their anguish was evident. Their faces are mixtures of pain, sorrow and what looked like…remorse? I looked into their red, swollen, tear-streaked faces and found the answer to my unspoken question. Edward was gone. Then I welcomed the darkness._

**end of flashback**

I was grateful that today was Monday. That meant that I was able to go to work. That is what I lived for these days. There were no evenings, weekends, get-a-ways, or vacations to look forward to, so I spent every moment I could at work. My career was what I lived for now. What used to be a way to pay the bills, my job as a Controller for a Fortune 500 company, became what inevitably controlled me. I got up at five-thirty in the morning and went through my morning routine which included feeding my three cats: Jack, Robbie and Patty. I showered them with the little love that I had left in me. Coo-ing and offering praise and pets to the only ones that meant anything to me anymore. Oh my God, I have become the cat lady at Twenty-four! I grabbed my drink and a muffin and left for the office. I was proud of the fact that I had never drunk coffee in my life. However, I wouldn't be able to function without caffeine, as I was useless until I had about half a can of Pepsi. So I guess I couldn't give myself that much credit for the "no coffee" policy that I had always maintained.

I am always the first to get to the office. Even though, we aren't expected to start until nine-o'clock, I arrive at seven because I like the peace that I get from an empty office. I get a respite from the pitiful looks and awkward conversations that come with losing the love of your life. Everyone seems to walk on eggshells around me. _How is that helping me cope?_ I wondered.

I plug in my I-pod and delve into my work. By nine-o'clock I have already audited and released our first quarter tax file and reviewed the budget report that I will present to the executives later today. I am not looking forward to that meeting due to the extent of some investments that have not paid off, which in turn will not allow them to spend the money on the acquisition of yet another small competitor. Although I am only reporting my findings, it is a given that I will take the brunt of the room's animosity. My only comfort is that my boss, Mike, the Senior Vice President of Finance will be in attendance and will support me throughout my presentation.

As employees begin to file in the building I hear the innocent chatter of weekend reminiscing. I hear them talking about new restaurants and clubs that they ventured to or discussing the latest new blockbuster out at the theatre or the concert down at the Palace. Apparently, Kid Rock was there this weekend.

BFD.

Oh, face it, I am jealous. I have not been out of the house on a weekend for months except to get groceries and kitty litter.

As I was pondering this new development, in walked my one and only friend, Angela. I guess some probably wouldn't use the term "friend". We actually ate lunch together in the cafeteria everyday - and that was it. Angela is the Director who oversees the entire Accounting department; she occupied the office two doors down from me. We were approximately the same age, which made most of our interests similar. We both loved good music, no matter what genre. The same type of movies, and all that. We never lacked for conversation during our hour each day together.

I didn't bother to look up from my P&L reports, "Hey Angie, how was your weekend?" I had to ask even though I didn't really want to.

"Oh, it was OK. I didn't do much." She sounds a little forlorn so I look up to check her expression. Her eyes were downcast, and her mouth was turned down. "Why do I get the impression that it was not, in fact, OK?" She looks up at me and there were tears brimming in her grey eyes making them look almost platinum. As any decent lunch buddy would do, I get up and round my desk, grabbing her by her arms and giving her a gentle shake, "Angie, what happened?"

She tries valiantly not to let the tears come forth, "My grandmother died on Saturday." Angela's grandmother was ninety-two. She fell down last month and broke her hip, obviously she was not able to recover from her injuries. I was wordless; I did not know what to say to her…

Death.

I was not good with Death.

I feel my own eyes fill with tears and force back more memories that were trying to surface. I finally found enough words to say. "I am so sorry to hear that," and give her an uncomfortable hug. Then it dawns on me, "Why are you here today?"

"I had some reports that had to be dropped off to Mike for the budget meeting this afternoon. I just stopped by to say good luck with that."

"Yeah, thanks. I am going to need it."

We stare at our feet for a moment before she mumbles, "Well, I need to finalize the funeral arrangements. I probably won't be back until Thursday…" I stand in a trance as she stares at me in confusion. She had no way of knowing that she had used the "F" word.

For me, the "F" word is not "fuck", that word is welcome in my vocabulary and I use it effortlessly when necessary and even sometimes when it isn't. To me the "F" word is "funeral". I couldn't bear the word. I muster every bit of strength remaining in my body to reply "Is there anything you need me to do for you while you are gone?"

"No, I am all caught up on the analysis I was doing for Mike. He may have a few questions. Can I tell him to ask you if he does? I know you have an idea of where the data came from that I used to come up with my results."

"Yeah, sure, hey, um, take it easy." I say as I pat her back, she gives me a weak smile and left my office.

I slowly walk over and shut my door. I retreat to my desk and stumble into my seat. I fist my hands in my eyes when I realize that the memories would assail me now without permission.

My aversion to funerals should not have to be explained. I mean, who likes funerals? But the week of my Edward's was memorable for many reasons. _Oh God, when am I going to get passed this?_

**flashback**

_The week of Edward's death passed by in a blur. Once I woke up after collapsing at the hospital I was told that Edward had died shortly after coming into the ER due to massive head injuries and major trauma to his chest. Edward was hit head on when an oncoming car had swerved into his lane. The driver of that vehicle also died. They believed that he had fallen asleep at the wheel since he did not have any alcohol in his system and appeared to also be driving home from work._

_Emmett drove me home while Alice followed, they asked if I wanted them to stay. _Hell no_. I was not the type that required comfort when in pain. Edward was the only one from whom I ever needed comfort and now that was never to be again. I wanted to be by myself, to wallow in the moroseness of what would surely become my life's standard._

_When I was safely in the confines of my house, I afforded myself the luxury I was prevented from indulging at the hospital. I screamed, loud and anguished and when I was done I screamed again and then again until I had no voice left, tears were streaming down my face and I did not have the strength to keep myself standing. I had fallen into a corner in the living room where I had eventually succumbed to sleep. I stirred from my corner the next morning when I heard a soft knock on the door. I opened it to find Esme and Carlisle. Let the preparations begin._

_Esme and Carlisle planned the complete service as I sat in the funeral home office in an almost catatonic state. When the funeral director asked for a copy of the death certificate, Esme pulled out a large binder and extracted an official looking document. The piece of paper that irrevocably said my four-year marriage was abruptly over. I looked at the document taunting me on the desk, picked it up absently and started reading. Edward Anthony Cullen, birthdate: August 23, 1984…I read further down. T.O.D: September 19, 2008 1:45am. Mothers name…_

_Wait, WHAT??? Time of Death was 1:45 am?_

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**AN: Let me know what you thought!**


	2. Bleeding Me

**AN: I was going to post this on Sunday but I got finished early. Hang in there guys, Jasper is coming up in a few chapters and it is going to be good. Thanks for the reviews. Thanks also for adding me to your favorites and alerts. It's means that you are willing to stick around for another chapter and I am ok with that.**

**Also, this is a reminder that this story will contain several lemons. Please don't read if you don't like them. **

**I didn't add the chapter song on the first chapter but it was Careless Whispers by Seether.**

**I do not own Twilight or it's characters. (Do I have to say this before every chapter?)**

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**Bleeding Me – Metallica**

_Caught under the wheels roll_

_I take the leech, I'm bleeding me_

_Can't stop to save my soul_

_I take the leash that's leading me_

_I'm bleeding me._

_I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it_

_The bleeding of me…._

**Chapter 2 **

**Flashback continued**

_I turned to Esme and Carlisle, who were seemingly clueless to my sudden yank from catatonicity. "What time did Edward die?" Esme turned to me, her mouth dropped open and looked wildly to Carlisle. Carlisle looked resigned to the conversation that he knew eventually we would have. "Can we talk about this when we are done here? We can go back to our house and explain". _

"_Explain what? How you didn't call me until forty-five minutes __**after**__ my husband died?" Carlisle started to explain and I stopped him with the two questions that would ultimately determine if I was ever going to have a relationship with any of my recently deceased husbands family. "When did he arrive in the ER? Could I have made it before he died?". Their silence was my answer._

_I got up and started to walk out. Carlisle put a hand on my arm to stop me but I shook it off. "Bella, he was never conscious. He..." I interrupted his knowingly flimsy excuse. I held back my sobs but my voice broke. "He could have heard me. He could have heard me tell him I love him one more time. He could have heard me tell him that I cherished every second we spent together. He could have felt me hold him and kiss him. He could have heard me tell him goodbye. But you and you" I pointed to Esme "took that from me."_

_Realization hit, I looked at Esme "You didn't call me from home did you? Did you get to say goodbye to your son? Did you get to tell him you loved him?" The tears flowed down her cheeks but she did not say anything. She knew there was nothing she could say._

_I went to two funerals that week - my husbands and little Ashley's. She had died two days after Edward. I put two pink roses on her casket for Edward._

_I didn't speak with Edward's family at his funeral. They all tried at different times but I shut them out completely and they knew any further attempts in the near future would be futile. _

**end of flashback**

I still haven't spoken to any of his family, even though they have tried to phone and e-mail occasionally. I delete the voicemails and e-mails without listening or reading. I don't know when, if ever, I will forgive them for not giving me my last moments with Edward.

I was pulled out of my reverie when Mike pops his head through my door with a huge grin on his face. "Ready to be fed to the wolves?"

"Let's get this shit over with." I say as I head toward the door with my materials. Fed to the wolves, huh? Anything sounded better than reliving this nightmare that is my life everyday. I really need to get some kind of a life. As I walk into the conference room filled with salivating animals, I think to myself that maybe I could take a pottery class or something.

The next four weeks flew by with the same pattern. Work, go home, eat dinner, work from home, watch TV while I play with my kitties, try to sleep and then repeat. One Thursday I decided to make a deviation from my schedule and stop by the local college to pick up a continuing education catalog on my way home from work. I needed some release, the tension in my life had not dissipated. Even though I am congenial at work, my pitiful existence was turning my self-esteem and self-worth to mush. At home I would drown myself in self-pity and Ben & Jerry's, _Phish Food_.

I decide that starting tonight there would be a change, so I sit at the kitchen table and sift through the catalog I picked up from the college, hoping to find a class that would offer some excitement in my life.

That night I lay in bed weighing my options. They didn't have a pottery class the following semester but they had a swimming class, a yoga class and a latin dance class. Normally, none of these things were really something I would have been interested in but I am getting desperate. I would make a choice to enroll in one of these three classes.

Thoughts drifting from the classes to work, I was getting even more antsy as I lay there. I could feel that sleep would again elude me tonight and that's when I start feeling the pressure. The pressure and tingling I have felt every now and then for the past couple of months - the type of pressure that only is relieved by manual intervention. Usually I ignore it, but as I decided earlier, this night there would be change. It's not like this is new to me. I loved Edward and we had a good sex life but with our work schedules sometimes I was left to take care of myself and I had no problem with that. I knew what I liked and I could work myself over real good.

So, with the hopes that this would help me sleep I tentatively lower my hands to my stomach and rub gently, already I feel the pressure building, I note that this is not going to take long at all. I slowly move my hand lower, eventually hitting my weak spot. Oh God, that felt good. _When had I become so sensitive?_ I rub my clit gently, I have a nice rhythm going and it feels incredible. I wonder if my breasts were just as sensitive and while I continue to stroke my clit I move my free hand under my pajama top and up to my breasts, I touch my nipple, squeeze it gently and moan. _Yeah. just as sensitive_. I start swirling my fingertips around my hardened nipple while I massage and pluck at my clit. It didn't take long before I could start to feel my legs tighten up so I slide two of my fingers into my pussy and curled them up. I moved them in and out while I continue to paw my tits. Before I know it, the time was upon me, my whole body went as stiff as a board. My pussy lips are swollen and taut, my vision disappearing and then my climax explodes, the pleasure and pain working its way through me as I let out a small moan. The lethargy was immediate. I barely have time to remove my hands from myself before I fall asleep. With my last thought being "So that was all I needed?"

**AN: Please review, c'mon…you know you want to. You can tell me how my first attempt at a lemon was. Even though it was small and solo this time. When my husband read it I had to leave the room because I was so nervous but he said it made him want to touch himself. Oh baby! **


	3. Thinking About You

**AN: These chapters are pretty much writing themselves. Thanks for all the alerts and favorites that were added. I am glad that you want to continue to read. You will be rewarded next chapter when I introduce the other star of this fic and then it will really start getting good. **

**In case you didn't know, I don't own twilight or its characters**

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**Thinking About You – Puddle of Mudd**

_...Why is everything such a waste?_

_I wanna keep holding on, holding on to what we got_

_But everything we have is already gone._

_...I've been thinking about you_

_I've been dreaming about you every night and everyday_

_I keep waiting on you, been praying for you_

_That maybe you'll come back someday_

**Chapter 3**

I wake up for work in a slightly better mood. I complete my morning routine with the exception of leaving for work at 6:30am. Instead, I sit and watch the Cartoon Network while dangling a toy mouse by the tail in front of Patty while she playfully swats at it. At 8:30 I leave for the office. I hadn't remembered that the traffic at this time was considerably more congested. Since my most previous trek's to work had most recently had me arriving to the office in a consistent twenty-five minutes, it was now thirty-five minutes into my drive and I wasn't even off I-75 yet. Shit, I am actually late for work. After my initial shock and horror at this thought, I let out a giggle. Yes, I actually giggle, I haven't giggled in at least eight months.

When I finally arrived at the office I find Mike and Angela outside my office door. One of Mike's hands is wringing the back of his neck with a look of worry on his face. Angela looks like she is going to cry, her eyes are red-rimmed and her nose is pink. _Oh God, who else has died?_ I cannot take this shit - but I am resigned. This fucking conversation is going to ruin all the progress that I had achieved in the last twenty-four hours. Warily, I make my way over to them and I see Mike's eyes flicker to me and then see him whisper something to Angela who snaps her head up to take in my appearance. I approach them and stare, waiting for the inevitable, but their expressions change to what looks like relief now. So I speak up.

"Hi, guys. TGIF." I smile. Oh Jeez, did I just say TGIF???? What a freaking dork.

Mike finally levels me with one of his more studious looks. "Where have you been?"

This gives me pause. I check my watch and I am confused. Did I forget to "spring forward"? No, Daylight Savings Time was over two weeks ago. _Wouldn't I have noticed before now if I had forgotten to do that? Probably not…how sad._

"Um, it's 9:10. I am sorry, I know I am not usually late but I think I have more than put in my forty this week." I am offended. I come in early every fucking day and now I am going to get a lecture when I come in ten minutes late - one day in over eight damn months?

Mike looks at me sheepishly, "No, Bella…we were just worried…you're… always opening the office now and when we didn't see you here…" he trails off.

To cover my blush I duck my head to open my office and put my messenger bag on the top of my desk before I turn to them. I sigh, "I didn't mean to worry you, I guess I just didn't realize that you guys had grown accustomed to my routine, but just so you know, some things are changing. I am not going to be here as early anymore. I have been working too much and because of that I have been neglecting some things in my personal life." It was Mike's turn to blush.

Angela smiles and says in consolation, "Noodle day in the cafeteria." "Noodle Day" happens to be our favorite day in the cafeteria. They have a full bar with different kinds of pasta and sauces for us to choose from, we usually look forward to it, but I have this new lease on life so I say, "Why don't we go out and get some real Italian for lunch?"

Once she had recovered from her shock she beams. "Sure."

Angela and I have never been out of the office together but I could tell that she isn't opposed to breaking our previous pattern. I sit down and look up expectantly. "Is that it?" They both grin and turn away, effectively being shooed from my office but before they walk through the door I say, "Thanks, guys. It is nice to know that someone would notice if I disappeared, but in the future, wait at least an hour before you call in the Missing Persons, okay?" They both nod and exit.

I pull out my laptop, log into the company website and open my e-mail. Two more e-mails from Alice. God, when is she going to give up? Maybe I should open it quickly just to respond with a big "fuck off". No, if I open it I might start reading it. I have tried to block Alice but she makes it impossible. She just opens up another account and tries again like she has already done several times in the past.

Delete. Delete.

I had to smile though, Alice always was tenacious. Alice and I had been friends since the summer before our sophomore year in high school and she was the reason that her older brother and I started seeing each other.

Edward was avidly pursued by the opposite sex and I had always believed, regardless of his denial, that if I hadn't had so much exposure to him by being at his house all the time that he would have never given me the time of day. Simply, Edward was beautiful; his bronze hair was always in perfect disarray, his gorgeous emerald green eyes sparkled when he smiled, he had a strong sexy jaw that begged to be licked, and a lean and toned body. He was just as beautiful on the inside and he had a zest for life that seemed to affect everyone around him. You couldn't help but be happy when he was around. He was also very intelligent; with a 4.0 GPA he knew exactly what his goals and priorities were. Edward knew exactly what he wanted to do and what he wanted in life. Sometimes it made me feel slightly inferior because I had no idea where I was even going to college, let alone anything beyond that.

I was a year younger than Edward. I was a sophomore, he was a junior and the only girls he even seemed remotely interested in were juniors and even seniors. I was at their house constantly, their entire family had taken me in as their own and even though I had an immediate attraction to Edward I knew that it would only be one-sided, he thought of me as a sister.

It wasn't until the beginning of my junior year did Edward ask me to be his girlfriend. Well he didn't "ask" per se.

**flashback**

"_C'mon Bella, pleeeaasse."_

"_No, Alice, you are not getting anywhere near me with that pencil." I have never worn eyeliner and I was not gonna start now._

_Alice pouted by sticking her bottom lip out and her large green eyes saddened. "Bella, it is the first day of our junior year. Don't you want that certain, special someone to notice you this year?" She says with a sly smile. _

_We never talked about my infatuation with Edward, I always figured he was out of my league. Alice must have some idea though. I am sure she has caught me staring at him during family movie nights or at the table where I had spent many meals eating Esme's home cooked concoctions. Esme was a great cook and since my dad, Charlie worked mostly afternoon shifts at the station there was no need to cook at home._

"_Alice, what makes you think that eye liner is what I need to attract that perfect guy". I hated playing this game because I know she would win. She always won._

"_Trust me." For some reason, since I have known Alice she seems to never be wrong with her predictions. _

_I can tell that she sees that I am wavering and with a little more prodding she is sure of my eventual compliance...as usual. _

"_Let's just skip the bullshit and dramatics and tell me what all this morning is going to entail." I cave. _Damn that pixie knows how to get me.

_She smiles at that._

_Two hours later I am fully groomed from head to toe. The brushes and pencils and tweezers have all been put away, the curlers have been removed, and the polish is dry. I must admit that I look damn good. _

_I know this look won't last because there is no way I am spending this much time getting ready every day. I put more value in beauty sleep than beauty products._

"_OK, now...what...should...you...wear?" I look from the mirror over to her closet where I see her heaving random things out onto the floor. Alice and I are close to the same size. I am probably a few pounds heavier but I have got about an inch on her in height. I am hoping she realizes this when she is picking out bottoms. I notice that she does because they're all skirts. Short skirts. Wow, way too short skirts. I picked up one with my fingertips and held it out in front of myself. It looked like lingerie. "Alice, we're going to school, not the club." Not that I would ever consider wearing this there either. _

_Alice poked her head out of the closet to see what I was talking about. "Silly, Bella that is for me, not you." Alice was known for some of the creations that she wore to school; although some of the clothes she wore were questionable she seemed to always wear it with class and style. Some of the female student body tried to keep up with her fashions but weren't so successful in their attempts. Most of them looked like overdressed sluts and were treated as such by the male population._

_After trying on over twenty different variations of tops and bottoms Alice and I were able to compromise. I settled for a soft knit turquoise v-neck sweater that showed an adequate amount of cleavage with a simple black skirt that came several inches above my knee but I would wear it with black tights to make me feel less exposed._

_The fight began when it came to the shoes. After twenty minutes of arguing Alice backed off and let me wear black pumps with a small heel. _

_I go back to the mirror and gaze at the woman I have become. I find myself thinking that I could not wait until Edward saw me. If he didn't show some interest today, I don't think he ever will. My make-up was applied lightly, my hair was a mass of soft curls flowing down my back and over my shoulders, the outfit accentuated all of my curves. I would never look better than I did today. My own wardrobe consisted of blue and black jeans, T-shirts, and hoodies. I have my "going out" clothes (aka: Alice's hand-me-downs) but I didn't wear them often, preferring comfort over fashion._

_Edward and Emmett have already left for school so when Alice and I got there I immediately look for Edward's silver Volvo. I can't find it quickly so I get out of the car and scan the parking lot again and then I found it. There were several people standing around it, as usual and I notice him. He is watching me. I let out a shaky breath and wait for Alice to come around to my side._

"_Let's go see what Emmett and Edward are up to before we go in." I watch her expression, searching for her intentions as we normally we would have headed right into the school. She carefully conceals anything she may be thinking and I give her a nod in reply. _

_As we approach, I meet Edwards gaze. Alice giggles, "They are all staring at you." I gasp as I take my eyes from Edward and scan the group. _You have got to be kidding me! _She was right; I look down instantly and nervously wet my lips trying to concentrate on not falling over myself before we reach them. I stand silent as idle conversation is being made. I notice that all the boys are taking peeks at me and I am blushing profusely. Every one seems to be looking at me, except Edward. He has moved to my side but is avoiding looking at me. I felt like crying. _

"_Bella, is that you? You look hot girl." I turn to my other side to respond to Tyler. "Thanks, Tyler. I let Alice have her way with me this morning". He let out a snort and praises Alice for her abilities. I make small talk with Tyler to distract myself from my miserable thoughts of how I had completely failed with Edward. Tyler looked over my shoulder and made a face of pure innocence, but I didn't understand why._

_After a few minutes the first warning bell rings and we head into the building. I chance a glance at Edward, who was walking next to me. I am surprised to see the grim expression on his face indicating that he is angry. I am wondering what is wrong with him when he turns to me and grabs my arm gently. We stop. He is looking just above my head as he waits for everyone that was behind us to pass. He looks completely frustrated and I just stare at him waiting until he is ready to speak. _

_He waits until everyone is inside the school doors but he still isn't looking at me when he spat, "Did you notice that Tyler couldn't take his eyes off of your chest? I mean, were you trying to turn him on? Is that the kind of attention that you desire? I always thought you wanted to be respected." _

_I cannot believe this. After all of my expectations of wanting him to notice me I forgot about the Edward that is my brother and protector. I. Was. Pissed. This whole morning was a waste of my time and right now the person I wanted to take it out on was standing right in front of me. _

"_What the fuck is your problem? Whether I want Tyler's attention or any other boy's attention is none of your business. Stay out of my life."_

_I run in, but before I turn I notice the pained look on his face. I knew I hurt him and I feel wretched. It wasn't his fault that he didn't like me like that. I run to the closest bathroom and cry my eyes out in one of the stalls. Thanks to Alice for buying the good stuff because everything on my face was still intact after my episode. I continue despondently through my morning classes, and as deep in thought as I am, I was still able to notice that Edward is right. All of a sudden I have become a piece of meat to all of these guys. I try not to make eye contact. I didn't want conversation. It wasn't a hard thing to accomplish because, as Edward said, they aren't interested in looking in my eyes._

_At lunch we all sit together but Edward sat at the other end of the table with Jessica and didn't so much as glance in my direction. Giving her all of his sexy smirks and the laughs that I longed to have directed at me. I keep my head down, giving monosyllabic answers to Tyler and Eric's attempts at banter. When the lunch bell rang I am the first one out the door. Biology is next and I arrived first. I doodle on my notebook while I wait for class to begin. _What had I done and how the hell am I going to fix this? Is there a way I can begin to make amends with Edward without completely giving myself away? _With those thoughts I notice someone sat next to me but I didn't bother to look up. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered._

"_Bella." He half whispers, half groans. Oh God, what he does to me when he says my name like that. I look up into the green pools that I love so much. His expression is tormented, his eyes full of indecision. He is warring with himself. Is he trying to let me down easy? Is he trying to find a way to get it back to the way it was? Did I want to go back to the way it was? Wouldn't it be easier to have him out of my life than in it, but not the way I wanted?_

"_Look Edward, I am sorry about what I said today. I just think that maybe we have just gotten too close. I know you think I am part of your family, a sister, and therefore need your protection but I am not." Before I could over think it, I add, "I think maybe I should spend some time away from your house for a while." _

_He looks at me as if I had grown two heads. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. He shuts his eyes tightly and then looks away. I am devastated. Mr. Banner starts the class and as soon as the bell rang I was out the door._

_For two and a half weeks I did not have any contact with the Cullen family after school. I still sit with the group at lunch and Edward continued to sit at the other end of the table and flirt with Jessica. Every once in a while I would catch him glance my way, his eyes look like they wanted to talk to me, but he never did. I am sure that he knew me putting some distance between us would be better for me. I talk with Alice in between classes but the worst was that I went to biology and sat next to this God everyday. Thankfully, our table sat next to the window so I used that opportunity to stare out of it the whole hour._

_I cried myself to sleep each night and was slipping into a depression but I knew at some point this would get easier, it had to._

_One morning I arrive at school and notice Edward's group as I always do because I made sure my truck was parked as far away as possible. I gather up my books and climb out to find Edward standing next to me. He takes my hand. "Bella, we need to talk…NOW"._

_He leads me behind the school where we could be alone. He let go of my hand and started pacing. He finally stopped and with a look of determination on his face he said, "Bella, this is ridiculous and it is going to stop now."_

_I didn't know exactly what was going to come out of my mouth but I knew it was my turn to speak, "Edward…"_

_"Don't." He interrupts me, his eyes were pleading now. "Just don't say another fucking word." He looks like he is going to say something else and then stops. He starts again and again nothing comes forth. I sit there helpless. Then in an instant I am in his arms and his lips are crashing into mine. It was a hard and frustrated kiss but once I put my arms around him, the kiss becomes gentle but still urgent. He runs his tongue across my bottom lip and I open my mouth instantly. Our tongues dance together for what feels like hours. When I finally need to breathe again our lips break free as we remain in each other's arms._

_He tilts his head back to look me in the eye. "You are mine." Edward states simply and looks into my eyes as though searching for defiance. When he doesn't see any he smiles and takes my hand. As he leads me back to the front of the school the group notices that we are hand in hand. Alice just gives me a knowing smile and winks. Tyler looks at us both and says irritably, "What is up with you two?" Edward speaks first, "She's my girlfriend so keep your eyes and hands off"._

**end of flashback**

I had decided to make changes in my life but forgiving Edward's family wasn't on the agenda…yet, anyway. It was almost noon and I can see from my office window that Angela is approaching. Thank God, I am starving. Angela walks in my office in a frenzied state. Her eyes are apologetic. _She is cancelling_. _Crap._

"Bella, I am so sorry. They just called me in to a board meeting to go over the newly formatted expense reports. I swear those guys couldn't read Dr. Seuss without translation." I chuckle humorlessly, knowing all to well what she said is true and upset that their stupidity was interfering with my lunch plans. "Oh well, maybe next week."

"Well…" Angela says hesitantly, "I thought maybe we could go for dinner instead of lunch." Wow, the idea of going out on a Friday night, if only to grab dinner, sounded so good. "Yeah, that sounds great. Why don't we go over to Alfoccinos, since we were thinking Italian?"

"Great, I'll meet you back here at five-ish. Gotta go." She took off in a run toward the executive wing.

**AN: Please feel free to take a minute and stroke my ego.**


	4. Stop and Stare

**AN: The time is here folks. Thanks for waiting, but now that we have some history on Bella it's time to get this party started! I have been putting out chapters everyday since I started this fic because I have been so anxious to get Jasper in the story. I will start to slow down a bit, but it will still be updated probably every third day or so.**

**Thanks again for those of you reviewing, putting me on alerts and in your fav's. It means a lot.**

**Don't forget: I don't own Twilight and all that.**

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**Stop and Stare - One Republic**

…_you start to wonder why you're here, not there_

_And you'd get anything to get what's fair_

…_Stop and Stare_

_I think I'm moving but I go nowhere_

_Yeah, I know everyone get's scared_

_But I've become what I can't be_

_Oh, Do you see what I see?_

**Chapter 4 **

Thankfully, the current economy left my company only slightly impacted. I should know being the Controller and all. We were still making money but just not as much as in past years. We did the unnecessary lay-offs, because we could. And why not? Everyone else was doing it. So now, due to the needless downsizing we were left to do the work of two others. The only consolation was that each workday finished in a whirlwind. Before I know it I glance at the clock. _Fuck_. It was 5:02pm. Guess this is going to have to wait until tomorrow.

Ha! Not taking any work home tonight! That's a first in I don't know how long.

Angela arrives and we head to the restaurant and since it was Friday it was packed. We sit at the bar with our glasses of wine, making small talk while waiting for a table. I never drank much and wine always seemed to go straight to my head but fuck it. I need a break.

We finally get a table and I am having a good time so I order a second glass of Merlot with my mushroom ravioli. Angela orders shrimp fettuccini alfredo and another glass of Chardonnay.

Since Angela and I took this leap I decide to get more personal. "Hey Angie, I never hear you talk about a guy. Are you dating?" She give a very unladylike snort. _Obviously, wine got to her too_. "Random, much? Well, I have been seeing this guy, Ben, for about five years on and off. Right now were off."

"Why is it on and off? Who makes the decision?" I know I am being nosy but I don't understand dating. The only one I ever dated was Edward and the thought of eventually going out and trying to find someone again made me want to vomit…literally.

"Well, it used to be him wanting to break up. He is still in college, you know that should be explanation enough" and it is. I remember what it was like in college. My roommates bringing a series of random guys back to our dorm every week, by the second year Edward was so terrified of the possibility that I would somehow be abused by one of these guys that he ended up finding an off campus apartment for us to live in. I happened to think he just used that as an excuse for us to move in together. My dad accepted it, hook, line and sinker. Charlie always did like fishing, but I don't think he preferred being the fish.

"But now it seems more mutual. We hook up for a few months and then we split, we get tired of each other. I guess we just are using each other when we get lonely." She plasters a big grin on her face. "But it works for both of us".

Casual sex, hmmm? I wonder if I could ever do that. The thought of letting someone else touch me without a relationship seemed impossible and I definitely was NOT ready for a relationship. It looks like I am going to have to find a way to spice up my technique.

After dinner ends we sit and enjoy another glass of wine while we joke about others in the office, discuss our latest music downloads, and other various topics. She tells me about a movie she had just seen called "Little Ashes" she says the movie is slightly hard to follow and it's cheesy but she says the main character was so hot it was worth it.

We end the night by planning to do something the following Friday.

^*^

Angela strolls into my office on Monday morning. "Bella, I heard that there was a new band playing at The Machine Shop on Friday. They're supposed to be really good…interested?"

What the hell, right? I really didn't like the area that The Machine Shop was in, the bar was surrounded by strip joints and some abandoned buildings, but I guess it was safe enough since the police patrolled in regular intervals. It's not like I would be wandering around the streets, anyway. "Okay sounds good. What time?"

"The band won't start playing until about nine-o'clock but we can meet there for dinner."

"Cool, can't wait." I am excited. I am tired and lonely, and I am tired of being lonely. My body is constantly tense. Wrought with barely contained pressure and it is building to the point of bursting. I need an outlet, and I know that this is going to be just the start I need.

^^^^******^^^^

What the hell? Where did all my "going out" clothes go? I ask this question to Jack who was laying on my bed in the midst of a mountain of clothes. I try on my favorite pair of jeans and notice that they were now too big. Since Edward has been gone I have probably lost fifteen pounds and I hadn't done any shopping, except for work attire.

As I sift through my small closet I drag out a box that I had stored some old jeans in. I find a pair that I could barely squeeze into back in my early days of college. I put them on and they are still snug but are definitely looser than they used to be.

So, I do something I haven't done in nine months, I check myself out in the mirror. I notice that, as I peruse my body clad in jeans and a bra, that my ribs poke out like they never have before. My boobs are slightly smaller, my hip bones protrude through my skin above my low rise jeans and my stomach is flat, if not a little sunken. I definitely need to regain the weight, I look borderline unhealthy. I make a mental note to change my eating habits.

I decide on a short sleeve black silk top that shows a small amount of cleavage, the hem coming just above my jeans. I accent with a silver necklace and large silver hoop earrings. I finish the outfit with black knee high boots with a medium heel.

I put the same amount of make-up on as I do for work but I use darker shades. I decide to put my hair in a ponytail, it looks fun and sexy at the same time. Even in the ponytail my hair comes to the middle of my back in soft lazy curls.

I am excited and nervous about tonight. I dressed to be noticed and I want to experiment with the attention I would be getting but I am nowhere near ready to reciprocate.

So here goes nothing…

I meet Angela at a Mexican restaurant a couple of blocks away from The Machine Shop. When she gets out of the car I don't even recognize her. She wore her hair up at the office, as most of us do, but tonight she has her mahogany hair down in soft waves that rest just below her collarbone. But the biggest difference is she doesn't have her glasses on, and her grey eyes are emphasized with a smoky eye shadow/eye-liner combination. She has a deep purple top on with black skinny jeans and heels. She looks fabulous. Ben obviously did not know what he had.

She approachs me. "Wow, Bella you look great." I smile and return the compliment. "Not as hot as you honey."

We have a dinner full of calories and yumminess. I pull out my mental list: Change diet – check. We hang out there and have a few drinks until about 8:15. As we are leaving she asks, "Do you wanna walk there from here? We might not be able to find very good parking over there, anyway." While I would be okay with walking there since it was still light out, I don't feel comfortable walking back when it is going to be darker and we would have to traverse down some empty streets. "No, why don't we press our luck and try to find some parking."

After we both pull out of the restaurant parking, I thought that we should have drove in one car and then driven the other back to their car after the show. _Oh well, too late_. When we get over to the bar I notice that the street was filled with people going to the show and to the various other entertainments that this particular stretch of road provides. As Angela said, the small parking lot at the bar was already packed full, some cars were even being blocked in by others. Angela had been behind me and just as I pass a car it pulled out giving her a much better spot then I. I finally found a spot in a parking lot a couple of buildings over.

As I walk toward the bar I casually look around, checking to see what others people are wearing. Am I dressed appropriately? Are my clothes still in style?

That is when I saw him. He was standing about ten feet from me before I lay my eyes on him, and what a sight he is to behold.

He stands about 6'2, I guess. He has sun-kissed blond hair with curls that reach his chin and taper in the back and his face is perfectly shaped with amazing cheek bones and a perfect set of plush lips. Mmm.

_What is wrong with me? I am not ready for that._

I attempt to look away but he has this aura around him that captures my attention. I know I was staring but I can't bring myself to take my eyes from him. He is talking to another guy and a girl who has way too much make-up on and is dressed, to what I thought, looked kind of trashy. Something the girl said makes him throw back his head and laugh exposing a beautiful long neck that begged for butterfly kisses. I was close enough to hear this laugh and it sounds like music to my ears.

His laugh also displays a set of straight pearly whites and a soft pink tongue. _I wonder how that tongue would feel if..._

_STOP!_

That is when he looks over. Oh shit, I said that out loud. I glance away embarrassed but when my eyes drew back to him he is still looking at me. Holy shit. He has the most beautiful deep blue eyes I have ever seen. I want to move up closer and inspect them thoroughly.

His eyes dance as they take me in from head to toe. He gives me a smirk and a nod as I move past him in what feels like slow motion.

_If this is the attention that I was seeking tonight than I am in **way** over my head._

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**AN: Ah Jasper, my Jasper. If you think you love Jasper more than I do leave a review.**


	5. Sex On Fire

**AN: Ok guys, this is my last chapter until the weekend because apparently I just realized that I am grammatically clueless. I now have an editor, aka: my sister, Jill and fucking literary genius going back over my 1-6 chapters. I gave her strict orders not to change a damn word, whether she liked it or not, just punctuation.**

**Even though she is working on that I wanted to at least get this chapter out since it is pivotal to the story line.**

**This is a reminder, for the last time that this story contains mature themes and graphic lemons - to me at least – but you can decide for yourself.**

**I don't own twilight or any of their characters still.**

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**Sex On Fire - Kings of Leon**

_Hot as a fever, rattling bones_

_I could just taste it, taste it_

_If it's not forever, if it's just tonight_

_Oh it's still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest_

_You, your sex is on fire_

_And you, your sex is on fire_

_Consumed with what's to transpire_

**Chapter 5**

By the time I reach Angela, it feels like my body is going to burst into flames. I can't focus on anything; my brain is full of images of that smirk and those heavenly blue eyes.

Angela notices my tumultuous state. "Are you ok? You look like you're going to be sick." Her words are still not penetrating. This is the first time I have found an attraction to anyone since Edward, and it is overwhelming because this wasn't just a small attraction. I am having a hard time dealing with the feelings that are coursing through my body at the moment.

In the back of my mind I can hear Angela. "I knew Mexican was going to be a bad idea." She admonishes.

Her words are finally registering. "Oh, no, I just felt a little dizzy for a moment. I am fine, really."

We decide to hang out outside for a few minutes before we went in, which was fine by me.

While Angela is telling me about the reviews from others she knew had already seen the band I nod and smile when I think it is appropriate but my eyes are scrupulously searching around the crowd looking for that head of sunshine. I find him and peek around a large group beside us to steal a glance. From afar I can't see details so I am able to look at the bigger picture.

He is wearing a dark pair of perfect fitting jeans with a black dress shirt with grey pinstripes. The shirt is unbuttoned and the sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and underneath it is a black fitted T-shirt that had something on it but I am too far away to make out what it is.

I can tell he has broad shoulders and a nice v-shaped torso. He is leaning on the edge of a car that is parked along the street with his arms crossed over his chest, listening to the girl he is with. I am happy to realize that it appears that the slut and him are not together as the girl keeps touching the other guy they are with at every opportunity.

My angel has a small smile playing on his lips. The slight wind tonight is blowing strands of his blond curls into his face and then back in place. He looks completely relaxed and at ease. I wonder if he is heading to the same show. _Would I be able to watch the band with him in the same room? _Just as I finish chastising myself for asking that question I notice that his ride must be here because a black, older modeled Grand Prix with one of the brake lights out stopped in front of him on the road.

I caught him bending down to look into the vehicle. I can't see how many people are in the car or what gender they are because the windows in the car have a slight tint. He moves to the passenger window,along with the guy he was with, and they talk for a minute. All of sudden, my angel pops his head up and for some reason his eyes search over the crowd in my direction. He then looks down at the ground momentarily and then with an expression I was too far away to define, he hops into the car and speeds away. With a sigh, I turn my attention back to Angela who is still animatedly reciting accolades of the band we are about to hear.

I interrupt her. "Angie, maybe we should go in now? The show is starting in about fifteen minutes and I need a drink." Maybe I'd get a shot to calm my nerves. _Maybe two_.

Once the show starts, I am able to concentrate on the music. The band is actually pretty good. They played rock with a jazz undertone. Because of this, the band attracts young and old, black and white, upper and lower class. It is actually gratifying to see how we all blend together with the mutual respect for good talent. The band is energetic and the patrons respond by displaying a mixture of dancing, grinding, and even head-banging when the music called for it.

Music has always been my saving grace, ever since I was an early teenager, and especially throughout the last eight months. Whether it was classical to rap to heavy metal or if it was blaring through the surround sound at the house or a soft hum in my headphones. I had always been able to find peace through music. Music was always present in my life; at work, at home, in the car, through pleasure and pain.

Because we got into the bar at the perfect time we were able to snag the last two seats at a table, which enabled us to get bar service. I look at my empty glass, and then around for the nearest waitress. I understand that the place is filled to the maximum and they are sorely understaffed for tonight's event. As I wait patiently for the waitress to finish taking orders from the table in front of us, a blond head of curls flash in my peripheral vision. I stand up to try to get a better view at the head bobbing up and down but it isn't him - it isn't the right blond, it isn't the right kind of curl. It is _all wrong_. I slump back in my chair.

_Damn. I have got it bad_.

It didn't matter that he is a stranger or that I won't ever see him again. It is the fact that I _could_ be attracted to someone with that level of an intensity. My God, the desire that shot right to my core was unmistakable. I wanted him.

This terrified me.

I was shaken from my thoughts by Angela. "Hey Bella, do you want another drink?" Both the waitress and Angela are staring at me. "Yeah. Another vodka and cranberry please? Can you actually make it two?"

Angela has a wide grin on her face and the waitress smiles at that. "We usually aren't allowed to do that but because we can't keep up with the crowd tonight I will." She looked at Angela. "How about you, honey?" Angela just nods and the waitress flits away.

After a while, Angela yells across the table, "So, what do you think?"

"They're good!"

I put my hand over hers and say, "Thanks for inviting me Angie. The last couple of Friday's have been so much fun." She blushes and nods.

We continue drinking and watching the band and the crowd. I am sad to see the night come to a close. As we walk out she asks if I had made a decision about which class I was going to take and I told her I still hadn't decided. I was afraid that I was losing interest in the whole idea.

When we get outside the cool air feels nice against my flushed skin. I remove the ponytail holder from my hair to let the gentle wind sift through it. I walk with Angela up to her car. "Do you want me to drive you to your car?"

"No, I'm good. I want to enjoy this nice breeze." I am still slightly tipsy even though I stopped drinking about an hour ago. I think the fresh air will help.

"Are you sure?" Angela says skeptically, as I am sure she is remembering my fears from earlier.

I look around, and even though the crowds had tapered there are still numerous people walking along the street I did not feel any threat of danger. "No. I'll be fine. I'll see you at work on Monday. Oh and thanks again, you have been a great friend." She gives me a quick hug and gets into her car.

As I am walking back to my car, I am contemplating my new status with Angela. I guess I could now call her my friend, right? What does it take to become a friend? Did we reach that marker tonight?

"Hey, darlin'. It's nice to see you again. Did you enjoy the show?" _Fuck. Me_.

I am approximately six feet away from my car when I hear the velvet, unmistakable sound of a southern drawl.

I twist around and I gaze up to find, none other than my angel standing there in all his glory.

"I thought you left?" I say and then wince. _Oh no, pleeease tell me I didn't just say that_.

He looks mildly shocked for a split second before that smirk from earlier returns to his face. _I did_. Shit. Where the holy fuck was my filter? I blush and his smirk deepens.

He takes a step toward me. We are so close now that if I had any guts I could reach out my hand and touch those golden locks.

"Well, I came back for you darlin'. Is there anything I can help you with tonight?"

_Huh?_

I must have shown my confusion because his smile faltered momentarily. I always thought I was a pretty smart chick and all of the facts are starting to clamor in my head, telling me to wake the fuck up, but I am in denial.

_No, this is not happening_.

"Are...you...a..." I stammer and stop. Oh, now my filter starts to work? Fucking figures.

_What is the nice term? how do you call someone that? _

I become aware that he isn't going to help me out with this when he crosses his arms over his chest, and archs a brow, with that damn edible smirk on his face. Just waiting….

_Well, fuck this._

"Are you a prostitute?" I blurt. I think he winces but it is so fast that I am not sure if I imagine it or not.

That gorgeous, sexy drawl was back, "Yes, ma'am, at your service."

_If this was my angel then I was going to hell._

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**AN: Please don't hate me for this. I can't control my dreams! You're going to thank me later, or now, if you want.**


	6. Innocent

**AN: Surprise -I know I said I wouldn't have another chapter out before the weekend but this one is pretty short and I wanted to give you guys something to look forward to on Sunday. Hehehe This is not one of my favorite chapters but I thought it was necessary. I'll make it up on the next one, I promise!**

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**Innocent – Fuel**

_Satan, you know where I lie_

_Gently I go into that good night_

_All our lives get complicated_

_Search for pleasures overrated_

_Never armed our souls_

_For what the future would hold_

_When we were innocent_

**Chapter 6**

Instinctually, I took a step back. His eyes narrowed and bored into me.

_I should be sickened. I should be repulsed. I should turn around and walk away. It wasn't like I was going to take him up on any of his "services"._ But my feet won't move.

His eyes drop and glare at the ground before he lets out a sharp bark of humorless laughter, his hand roughly takes a swipe through his hair and lands at the back of his neck. All I can do is stare, mesmerized.

He looks at me again, hard, for a brief second, then pivots and starts to walk away. _Where was he going?_

My head is spinning. My emotions are running wildly through me. I am surprised that my most prominent emotions are not what was to be expected - hate or maybe disgust, but instead they are mostly and inappropriately – curiosity and guilt. _What kind of services does he offer? Can I actually ask him that?_

Without thinking, my hand extends out and grabs at the air. "Wait." He stops but doesn't turn. "I apologize," and then with all the light-heartedness I can muster I say, "I don't get out of the house much." He turns back then, and levels me with an intense look. I try a light smile but that seems to make his eyes darken.

I stare at his chest not ready to look back into those gorgeous eyes that are trying to stare right through me. _The Doors_. His shirt - I could tell it had something on it earlier but I couldn't see it clearly. It had "The Doors" on it. _He must like the classics_.

After a moment I realize w_hy am I still standing here?_

God help me…I am fascinated.

That and I just want to stare into that intoxicating face a little longer so I can remember it when I get too lonely. I feel horrible for thinking it, and I would never say it out loud, but I don't want to picture Edward all the time. Sometimes it makes me feel lonelier, makes my heart hurt.

"You sh-shocked me," I stutter. He nods and then turns around. _Wait, don't go_. "Um, I am just curious - how much do you charge?" What was the going rate in this area? Hell, what would I compare it to when I know nothing of this…career choice? My face probably couldn't be any more redder than it is right now.

He turns around again. "Well that depends on what kind of service that I could provide for you." He says.

"What kind? You do more than one thing?" I ask perplexed.

_Just how naïve was I? Goddamn._

He chuckles, "Well, to just name a few, since it doesn't look like you would really be interested, there is straight up sex, that's $200, but there are extra "perks", if you will. Any kind of oral would be extra..."

I laugh at that. "You mean a girl would pay extra to give head?" My filter officially AWOL, he must think I am a fucking nut case.

"You'd be surprised what turns certain women on." He looks at me like he is trying to see inside my soul and it makes me slightly edgy so I start again with my questions, "What else?"

He huffs as he is beginning to look like I am wasting his time with my childish questions. I had obviously been living a very sheltered life. Which he is figuring out quickly. I could tell by his answer that he is done humoring me. "Fucking in the ass, dirty talk, bondage, fantasy, spending the night..." he trails off, clearly irritated.

He glances back at the people still wandering the streets. I think at this point he is pretty sure I am not planning on using him tonight and he probably wants to get back to the small crowd still hanging about before he lost any shot at potential business. But being me, I still continue, unfazed by his unwelcoming attitude.

"Do you take your, uh, clients to your house?" He is really getting aggravated. His hospitality all but spent. "No. I share a small apartment with a couple of…co-workers. Now, it's my turn to ask a question. I see that fancy ring your sportin', so what are you doing talking to a whore? And does your husband know?"

His question almost makes me fall to my knees. I am in a fog. I automatically look down at my ring, twisting it with my fingers. "My husband is gone." Is my quiet response.

"Business?" He all but sneers, like he has heard this all before.

"Um, no, uh, he actually passed away about nine months ago."

He looks properly appalled and says, "I'm sorry, goddamn…I…" His fingers digging into his scalp once again.

I am already shaking my head vehemently - to dismiss it. I am not having this conversation with him. I am not going to talk about Edward at this moment, with this man.

Desperate to change the subject, I say quickly, "I wasn't aware that people in your...profession...could look like you." Oh man, when am I going to stop saying stupid shit? Oh, well. This conversation can't get much worse anyway.

His face changes to a look of astonishment before he graces me with a wide, genuine smile. He is too hot. That smile put my heart in my throat. "You'd be surprised at some of my competition. Men have to be far better looking because women aren't as desperate for…company as men are." The southern drawl is heavy and went straight to my groin.

What he said made sense, I guess. Emmett had screwed some homely girls in college when the ones he really wanted were not quickly attainable. He had no problem admitting that he could get it up for anything that had tits when they were in the dark.

Now understanding dawns. His female "friend" from earlier is probably in the same profession and is proof to this "desperation theory". Mentally nodding my head…she would definitely be Emmett-worthy.

I go back to the things that he told me about his profession and I take a moment to process all that he had said. Wow, as I turn around absently - _I am on Information Overload_. I start walking towards my car… I suppose I was done with my questions.

I get to my car door and open it, duh, I should turn around and say something. Goodbye, have a nice evening, thank you for satisfying my morbid curiosity, thanks for letting me stare at you so I can have a more vivid fantasy later…something.

So, I turned to him and said something.

"Well…are you coming?"

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**AN: Well….It's not like you all don't know what's likely coming up but if you review I'll give the chapter song/title, so you'll get a better idea. If I can double my reviews I will work my ass off to get the chapter out earlier, there is only 28. **

**BTW - I'd pay $200 just to see him take off his shirt, how about you?**


	7. Ten Seconds To Love

**AN: Well, this chapter was ready on Saturday but I couldn't get it to download. **

**FYI – I made slight editing changes to the first 2 chapters, requested by Jill, who is doing my editing, and I am working on the third. Jill will not read my lemons, something to do with being my sister and being disgusted… So you guys are going to have to suffer through my bad punctuation on the sexy parts. These changes were all minor and did not affect the story line at all.**

**Also, I wanted to thank Ana for the little tip she PM'd to me on Saturday, I improvised it into this chapter.**

**I do not own Twilight or any of the characters.**

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**Ten Seconds to Love – Motley Crue**

_Reach down low_

_Slide it in real slow_

_I wanna hear your engine roar_

_Before I'm in the door_

_You feel so good_

_Do you want some more_

_I got one more shot_

_Before I'm in the door_

_Ten seconds to love.._

**Chapter 7 **

I said it without thinking. I showed no emotion and I had no discernable expression on my face. I notice that he paused for a brief second, probably to figure out if I was serious, and then moved toward my passenger door, hesitantly.

I don't want to think about this - I refuse to think about this. _This one night, this one time, is for me_. I will gladly pay the consequences later.

When we are both in the car I gaze through the front windshield and ask, "Where to?"

"Um..." He appears to be nervous now. Probably seeing my inner struggle, he hesitates. "We have to go over a couple of things first."

"Ohhhkay." He doesn't understand that we have to get out of this parking lot before I begin to think about what I am doing here.

He can sense the attitude. "I'll make it fast, but I have to go over a few…rules." It is his turn to stare out of the front windshield as he recites the rules like he has done this hundreds of times. He is all business now. "I have to see the money first; no sex without a condom…if you don't have one of your own I have a supply at my room; I don't answer personal questions; and there is no kissing on the lips."

I bust up laughing at the last one. "That's a little "_Pretty Woman_" isn't it?" He still hasn't looked at me yet but he smirks. "Yeah it is, but that is why we still keep that rule - because the clientele expect it. I am very strict about the rules."

"Is that it?" I ask nonchalantly as I turn on the interior light of the car and reach back for my purse that I had tossed in the back seat earlier. "One other thing, just to ease your mind, I get tested every two months and received my last set of results on Monday proving that I am free of disease." He hesitates. "That's it."

"Just to ease your mind". _Yeah, ok that worked_. I didn't even thinking about diseases. Shit. What am I getting into?

He finally looks at me and because I am still reaching into the backseat for my purse our faces are within inches away from each other. I can smell him. He smells like coffee and mint. If I can breathe that in all night it will definitely make things easier. Him smelling so delicious and all.

I finally receive my wish to study his eyes and I find that they are more beautiful close up. They are a deep ocean blue, but I now observe that he has a light green ring around them, making them seem turquoise. They hypnotize me until his eyes flicker to my lips and then he quickly turns to gaze out the passenger window. "What is it that you want to do tonight?"

"I want relief." I shrugged. Plain and simple.

"Straight sex should get me that." I say. He had no reply. He just continues to stare out the window, not letting me see his face for any reaction he may have had to my words.

I am cursing and thanking myself at the same time that I actually took cash with me tonight. I tended to use my debit card or my one credit card for everything, but I thought I would bring cash for drinks, dinner, and all that. I pull out a wad of cash and count out two hundred dollars.

Before throwing my purse in the back seat again, I grab my iPod, plug it into the car and throw it on his lap with the cash. "After you finish counting, you can search for something to listen to. How far before we get to where we have to go?" I am hoping it isn't too far because my hands and legs were shaking so much that I am not really sure if I am going to be able to function the gearshift and clutch in my current state.

He glances at the cash but doesn't count it. _I must look like the trustworthy type_. He lifts his hip off of the seat and shoves the money deep into his jeans pocket. He grabs the iPod and begins to sift through it while he indicates to me to turn left out of the parking lot and says we are about fifteen minutes away.

After I am out of the parking lot he tells me to stay on the same road for about seven miles. As I am driving, my curiosity begins to resurface . "How long have you been doing this?" I ask.

"About six months…I don't know what to pick." He says as he hands my iPod back to me. As I flip through I decide to let it shuffle through Pink's "I'm not Dead" CD. No reason…and that is exactly why I pick it. I don't want to think about it. I am trying really hard not to think about anything.

He breaks me out of my thoughts...about not thinking. "What? No more Twenty Questions?"

I give him a goofy smile at that and then a question pops into my head. "What is your name? I...I guess I should know, right? Is that ok? Is it too personal?" I added, remembering the "rules".

I am watching the road but I can see that he is watching me for a long moment. I wish that I could look at him back; I would like to see what kind of expression he has on his striking face. "You can call me Jazz." He finally says.

_Alrighty then_, why didn't he just say that it is too personal? I highly doubt that is his real name. _Jazz_. Is that supposed to be like, some fancy hooker name?

_Whatever_.

"Aren't you going to ask me what my name is?" I ask, getting prepared to think of some silly off-the-wall name to match his.

"No."

_Asshole...beautiful asshole_.

Slightly perturbed I turn my attention to the music. "Leave Me Alone" by Pink began and I absently start singing. Not loudly, just above a whisper - it's a habit of mine. I had to stop to when I came up with my next question.

"So what do you do when you aren't attracted to a girl? Umm, do you have a difficult time performing?" I glance at him and he gives me a sexy lop-sided grin as he takes a hold of my hand and smashs it onto his stiff crotch. "Between your singing and the way you are handling that gearshift you don't have anything to worry about in that respect."

He puts my shaky hand back on the steering wheel. I could feel the heat on my face and knew that he received pleasure from seeing me embarrassed by his actions. "Darlin' we are going to be getting a lot closer than that. You are going to have to calm down a bit." He chuckles again as his finger grazed my cheekbone and I flush once more.

"Turn into that apartment complex" He says as he points to a large building on his right side. _We are here_.

_How am I going to go through with this?_

As I pull into a parking space I take off my seatbelt, and as he begins to take off his, I turn and put a hand on his arm to detain him.

I am petrified.

"Look _Jazz_," saying his fake name sarcastically, "I obviously have never done anything like this before and I am not sure if when it comes down to it that I will actually be able to go through with it." He starts to speak but I stop him. "If I can't, I will still expect you to keep the money that I gave you for your time."

With that being said, I opened my car door and got out. He rounded the car and put his hand lightly on my lower back to navigate me. I shivered at his touch as it felt like an electric current ran through my body.

The building was clearly going through some renovations but it is still nice enough. It doesn't appear seedy, like the brothel that I had imagined in the short time that it took us to get here. He directs me to an elevator that shows that the building is ten stories. He presses the button indicating his apartment is on the fifth floor, and up we go.

"How do you know your, uh, co-workers won't be here?" I ask timidly.

"The three of us work separate days and times. I am the only one working right now."

"Oh." Is all I can manage to say. Once we arrive at the fifth floor he leads me down a dimly lit hallway to his apartment. He unlocks the door, ushers me in and as he turns on lights I stand by the front door wondering if I should bolt right now…he has the cash…why would he care?

Once the apartment is illuminated, his eyes fall on me, and I am practically plastered to the front door. He trys to break the tension. "Would you like something to drink?"

Honestly, I just want to get this over with. Now that we are here in his "workplace" I am ready to jump out of my skin. My mind is beginning to stray to places I don't want it to go. Like what my dad would think of this, what Edward would...

"No, take me to your room." I say just above a whisper. He holds out his hand and leads me to a short hallway with several doors. I am assuming they are his friend's rooms and maybe a bathroom. The apartment is small, but considering what they are using it for, it is more than enough. He leads me to a small room that barely fits the king sized bed and small dresser. There is nothing else in the room, except in the corner I notice a large stack of what seems to be multiple sets of clean sheets. Well, that is comforting_. Another thing I didn't think of. Goddamn._

He turns and just watches me for a moment and then speaks. "Would you like me to undress you or would you like to do it yourself?" I must look like a deer in headlights because he starts to speak again but I stave him off by putting out one of my hands.

"Let's just do what comes naturally." I say. _Ha_. Well, I hadn't said anything idiotic in a while and it was bound to happen soon. _Is there anything "natural" about this situation, you dumbfuck?_ "I'll just undress myself." I say stupidly.

As I bend down to unzip my boots I almost have a panic attack.

_What bra and panties am I wearing today???_

When you have no one to impress you tend to lean more toward comfort than sexy, but then I remembered I have on a black lace bra that latched in the front and black boy cut panties. _Phew_.

As I continue to remove my boots, I peek up through my lashes at him. He is standing just a few feet away from me. He has removed his shoes and socks and his outer shirt, leaving him in his T-shirt and jeans. His head is down and he is kneading the back of his neck with one of his hands.

With my boots and knee-highs off I knew the time is here. I pull my top over my head. He snaps his head up and takes in the sight. His eyes travel from my bare feet up my jean-clad legs to my bare mid-drift, to my still covered breasts and lands on my face.

The look on his face goes straight to my sex. My panties are getting wet and uncomfortable. He takes off his T-shirt and unbuttons his jeans, without taking his eyes off of me. My eyes scan his naked torso. He is magnificent. His arms are not big, but chiseled..._just right_. He has a tattoo that lays just over his toned right pectoral, I have to guess that it is some type of tribal symbol.

And fuck, he has a nipple ring. I could cum right now. I decide that I have had enough of this. Yes, I don't know what I am doing and yeah, I feel a little dirty but I am in this all the way now so I am going to try and enjoy it.

I take the three steps that are between us and raise my right hand to his chest, my fingertips wisp across his collarbone and then flatten atop his tattoo, my eyes following my hands to his nipple ring. I feel him stop breathing for a moment and I glance up, his eyes are shut. I continue my exploration down his tight abs while I watch his face. His mouth opens and I can tell he is barely breathing as my hand drifts to a sexy belly button that I just want to plunge my tongue into and then drift lower over the small patch of hair disappearing into his boxers. I hesitate there for a moment and when I spot his eyes begin to flicker open, I become bold and move my hand over his erection rubbing it, in long sure thrusts. His eyes flutter closed again and he lets out a little hiss.

He is very hard and very big I note dully. It has been so long since I have had anything close to that size in me. Is it going to hurt? I start to get scared, my mind racing. I have unknowingly stopped my movements and I feel his hands ghost up my arms and stop at my shoulders where his thumbs are making lazy circles across my collarbones.

I stare into his chest as he moves to close the distance between us, his hands move to my back and his head lowers to my shoulder where he begins to place open mouthed kisses along my shoulder and up my neck. It feels amazing. I am getting lost, and I can't control my thoughts. I am starting to panic when my mind starts making me feel things - like guilt and shame.

"Oh God, no, I can't." I start to pull away but he grabs my elbows to keep me from moving. My eyes probably look frantic. "I can't. I can't do this. I am so sorry."

He pulls me into an embrace and whispers in my ear. "Yes, yes you can. Just try again. You need this, don't you? Just feel. Feel how good this feels." He moves his hands along my waist and up my sides skimming the sides of my breasts. "Oh, please…" I moan, not know what the hell I want.

"Don't think, just feel. Come here." He sits on the edge of the bed and drags me to stand in between his open thighs. He rubs up and down my jean-clad thighs. I appreciate that he is trying to comfort me and the movements he is making are very relaxing. I peer down into his flawless face, his eyes look at me almost pleadingly. I bring both my hands up and finally push them into his luscious curls.

_So soft._

His head bent back leaning into my ministrations, his eyes shut. I look down at his lips. They are perfect. It is too bad I am not allowed to touch them. Well, I guess I can touch them just not with my mouth. So I untangle one of my hands from his hair and bring it to his lips. His eyes snap open and his lips open a fraction as he takes a sharp breath. I can feel his warm breath against my fingertips. His eyes are now full of undiluted lust. He stands up and his movements are now sudden. He quickly unhooks my bra and discards it on the floor. He sits back down and unsnaps my jeans and swiftly lowers them down my body taking my underwear with them. I step out of them and stand there completely nude. His eyes shut.

I start to feel very uncomfortable. What the hell? I am getting angry, maybe irrationally so, but still this is awkward for me and I don't know what is going on with him. Does he find my body _that_ repulsive? I know I am too skinny, I know my bones pop out a little too much right now, but he must've seen worse…_right_?

_Did he not find me attractive? Wait. What am I saying? _

_I am paying him to find me attractive._

_Open your eyes motherfucker and make me forget how wrong and messed up this is. _

As if he had heard my thoughts his eyes pop open. They are darker, almost a midnight blue and I am transfixed. Examining his perfect eyes is quickly helping me come undone.

_That's what I am talking about baby._

It is my body talking now. My heart and mind, like Elvis, had left the building. As soon as he told me to just feel and not to think, my heart and mind went out to wait for me in the car. Now it was just him and my sorely neglected libido.

His hands are urgent as they skim over my stomach up to my breasts. He takes one in his hand, pinching the nipple gently and puts his mouth on the other, suckling. I moan as my hormones go into overdrive. I think I am leaking my juices down my leg and he confirms it when his fingertip runs up my inner thigh and rubs the moisture over my clit. I sigh.

He groans and pulls me down onto the bed where he inserts a finger inside of me, pumping slowly in and out while he attacks my neck with lips, tongue and teeth. "Oh Jazz." I moan. He inserts another finger and is moving them in and out faster, preparing me. "That feels so...holy shit…so good." It feel like I am about to cum.

He jumps off the bed and movsd quickly to the small dresser, he grabs something, strips free of the remainder of his clothes and then returns to me. As he moves on top of the bed I take in his naked form, my goodness, his cock stood long and proud. I sit up, reach over and grab it. "Shit." He hisses. He freezes as I lightly trace my fingers over his vein then grab it at the base and slowly stroke it to the head, rubbing my thumb over his balls on the downward strokes. A pearl of moisture beads up at the slit, and now I knew what he meant earlier…about how girls paid to give him head. I would love to lick that moisture off of him right now. I settle for swirling my thumb over the tip and am rewarded with him bucking up into my hand with a loud groan.

He moves over on top of me and starts trailing kisses from my neck down to my breasts, giving each one time and attention. He kisses, he sucks, he nibbles, he is a fucking proficient. He has my body quivering, the desire was shooting sparks through me and I fell the need to be filled. He must be reading my mind because he raises himself onto his knees and tore open the condom he must have gotten while he was up.

Once it was on, he falls back on top of me. He inserts himself between my legs and slowly presses his dick into my dripping, wet pussy. "Oh God." Is all he says. I guess any more than that would have constituted dirty talk and I hadn't paid for that.

I was tight and there is a twinge of pain. He senses my discomfort and retreats before he inches back in. I get impatient and push my body up into him. He gets the hint and pushs his cock in to the hilt and begins pumping torturously slowly. There is a thin sheen of sweat forming on both of our bodies, not from exertion, but from the heat that we created in each other. I feel like my body is burning from the inside.

He raises his head from my shoulder and stares at me intently. I want to turn away, but I can't.

He is too close. This is too intimate. I just want relief…_don't I_?

I shut my eyes, I don't want to be so attracted to this angel. He lets out a frustrated growl. I know it isn't meant to be, but it turns me on. A lot. I moan and dig my head into the pillow as I bring my pelvis up to meet his thrusts, my eyes are still squeezed shut. It just felt so good to be filled again.

He picks up his pace and his pubic hair was rubbing against my clit in a fury of motion. It is driving me crazy. Illogical fear set in making me yell "God, so close…please...don't stop!" _As if I could get this beautiful specimen to cum prematurely. _

He knows exactly what I need because now he is slamming into me furiously and the friction is catapulting me into oblivion. He knows I am on the edge because he moves his hands to either side of my head and raises himself up. He brings one hand to rub my clit as he pounds into me.

I want to open my eyes, I know he would look like a God right now; his eyes dark with desire hovering over me, sweat trickling down the side of his face and neck. I want to lick it off, I want to caress and fondle his entire body but I keep my eyes pinched shut settling for my less potent imagination, deciding that I surely don't deserve to have everything I want.

_So, so close._

"Open your eyes." He says thickly. But I can't, because those words, in that tone, with his fuck- me-now voice, sends me into a mind-blowing orgasm. In the throes of my pleasure I vaguely hear a "fuck" as I felt him buck and shudder on top of me. He buries his head in the crook of my neck for a split second and then raises himself again. God, he smelled delicious, the coffee and mint mixed with sweat smelled extremely manly. He hesitates for a moment before he quickly rolls onto his back next to me.

I finally open eyes and glance at him. He looks…disappointed? NOT what I was expecting. Immediately, I imagine that I had done something wrong. I grab the sheet quickly and covered myself, turning my face away in shame, my eyes watering.

_I am not going to do this here. I am NOT going to do this in front of him. I will get home and then I will feel._

I fell weight shifting on the bed, and then gone. I look over to find him getting dressed with his back toward me. Once he is finished he leaves me without saying a word, to allow me to get dressed in private.

After I dress I walk out to find him sitting on a small couch talking to someone on his cell phone. "Yeah, nine-o'clock is fine. I'll be here. Talk to you then." He hangs up.

I come fully into the room. "Hey, did you need a ride or anything?"

"No, thanks. I am just going to spend the night here." He is picking at non-existent lint on his jeans.

"Well, I am going to get going, um, thanks." Wow. He really laid on the charm when he was on the clock. Is this the real him?

I leave the apartment, tears blurring my vision, and make my way to the elevator. As I am waiting for it to arrive, I am willing the tears not to fall. Once I hit the bottom floor I make a mad dash out of the building.

_He couldn't even say goodbye?_

I jump into my car and pull out of my spot. As I am turning out of the apartment parking lot I look in my rearview mirror and see him standing just outside the apartment doors watching my retreating car.

I just kept on going.

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**AN: So, my very first lemon EVER written down on paper (excluding the small solo lemon I did in chapter 2). I have to admit it was a little scary. What did you think?**

**As a beginner, your reviews are like a drug to me. They have definitely kept me motivated.**


	8. In A Darkened Room

**AN: I don't know what is going on with this website but I haven't been able to update my profile since last week. Ugh! Very frustrating!!**

**Thanks again to all the readers, you don't know how much it means to me that you are taking time out of your day to read my story. I really appreciate the reviews on the last chapter, they were very supportive.**

**I don't own twilight or any of it characters. **yawn****

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**In A Darkened Room – Skid Row**

_All the precious times have been put_

_To rest again_

_And the smile of dawn_

_Brings tainted lust singing my requiem_

_Can I face the day when I'm tortured_

_In my trust_

_And watch it crystallize_

_While my salvation crumples to dust_

**Chapter 8**

_What have I done?_

I know exactly what I had done, I paid for someone to have sex with me.

Damn. I don't even know how I made it home last night. All I know is that I woke up on the sofa, Robbie laying across my back, in the same clothes that I had wore to the bar. The clothes that _he…Jazz, _had stripped off of my body. I run to the bathroom and vomit. I undress and get into the shower. I turn on the water as hot as I can handle and then turn it even hotter. As water burns skin, I sink to the floor of the tub and bawl like I haven't done in over six months.

_So much for progress_, I thought.

I crouch in the corner of the tub until the water had turned cold and I am convulsing uncontrollably. I turn the water off and crawl out. Wrapped in a towel I stumble to my bed and cry until I fall back asleep not wanting to face the reality of what I had done.

I wake up mid-afternoon and force myself to get out of bed. I would have liked to wallow in my misery but I throw on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and go to feed the cats.

_What should I do?_

I stare at the TV, but I am not watching. Annoyed by this, I get out a book, but after a half hour I still haven't gotten past the first page.

_How could I have done that with him?_ I used to have morals...and values. Why did they desert me yesterday? It was him. It was like he had some power over me.

_I didn't even know his real name for Christ sakes._

I hate myself with a passion. I hate what I did to Edward's memory. Edward was my first and he was supposed to be my last and I tainted it by screwing a whore.

_A beautiful, glorious whore...Shut up!_

I thought maybe I would try some Internet surfing. I sit at the computer and my mind cannot conjure up one topic to Google.

I am not even going to attempt to do any of the work I brought home on Friday. I can't count the many freakish ways that I could fuck that up, and it is not worth the effort when I know it can't accomplish what I so badly need right now, it can't remove the images, sounds and feelings that were pulsating through me.

_The hands, the lips, suckling, nibbling, moans…Oh God...please stop!_

I go to my bedroom, frustrated, and snatch my keys and my trinket from the nightstand. I decide to go for a drive. I was absently flowing through the weekend traffic. Stopping at lights and stop signs distractedly, shifting from gear-to-gear mechanically, with no specific destination in mind.

After driving for over twenty minutes it finally registered where my subconscious is taking me. I pull into the drive. I know where to find him. He is the one resting under that big elm tree.

My Edward.

I park the car and slowly walk over to where my soul mate now resides. I notice the fresh flowers.

Esme is diligent about making sure Edward always has fresh flowers. In the beginning I used to try to match her flower for flower thinking that it was a competition to see who loved Edward more. I stopped when I realized that I had nothing to prove to her. My heart knew that the love I had for Edward would never be matched by anyone else. Besides, Edward didn't even like flowers.

I hadn't even realized that the tears have started flowing.

Oh God, I am broken. I lay down on top of the cold ground that served as his blanket and sob openly and with abandon.

_Oh Edward, what have I done? How will I ever make this up? How will I ever be a good person again? What am I doing trying to exist without you? I am doing everything wrong and I don't know how to fix it._

I take the plastic quarter out of my pocket and twist it in my hand.

**flashback**

_About a week after the funeral my dad is still staying at my house. He is being a good parent - he takes care of me, making sure I get out of bed, and that I eat. He keeps the house straightened and feeds my cats, even though he hates cats. _

_We are sitting down for dinner - eating one of his specialties, a Digiorno Pizza. He is about as good of a cook as I am, and we are both grateful that he had gotten it out of the oven before it burned - too much._

"_So, when are you thinking about going back to work?" He says after he swallows._

"_I'm not sure. Probably next Monday. I don't even want to think about what is going to be waiting for me when I get there. I can't even keep up on a daily basis." I frown at that and then swiftly remove it from my mind, not wanting to dwell on the likely possibilities, but before my mind could close the subject, I quickly envision me at my office door, prying it open only to find stacks of reports and documents strewn about as if a tornado had landed in one fell swoop, right over my office. Daaaamn. I physically had to shake my head to remove the image._

"_Well, I think I am going to be heading back Sunday then, if you think you can handle it."_

"_Sure, dad, you know I…" I am interrupted by a soft knock on the door. As he rises, I gave him a look that said unequivocally - NO company._

_He nods his head and moves to the front door. I can hear the all too familiar voice of one of my most recent nemesis'. Esme. I move toward the door just so I can tell her what I silently told my dad before he answered the door - but I won't be as genteel._

_I move in front of my dad to glare at her. She has a paper bag in her hand that has a seal on it. Did she smell the burnt pizza and bring over Chinese as a peace offering? I am ready to slam the door in her face when she says, "These are Edward's things. The things that he had with him when…" She does not continue, just trails off. I almost feel bad for her, almost, but then I remember what she had done, what they all had done. I still didn't even know why or what happened but I don't feel like being enlightened at this moment. I won't trust anything she told me at this point anyway._

_I whisk the bag from her and I say scathingly, "Did you help yourself first? Did you leave anything for me this time?" The utter shock and hurt at my statement is apparent on her face. I take that moment of speechlessness to crash the door in her face. It didn't matter, whatever she might have said wouldn't have gave that particular scene a different ending._

_I take the bag, with my dad trailing behind me nervously, into the kitchen and set it on the table. I try to ignore it and him as I start nibbling on my piece of pizza. _

_Charlie clears his throat. "Umm. You really shouldn't be so mean to her, she is hurting too." _

_Up to this point my dad had kept his mouth shut about the cold shoulder that I was treating Edward's family to. I raise my eyebrows and give him the look that only women know how to give and even though my dad has been without a woman for a while, he recognized the look instantly, put his head down and went back to eating. I sigh. I know he is right but I am nowhere near going there at this point._

_He gestures toward the bag. "Are you going to look?" _

"_Not right now, dad." We both left it at that._

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_My dad is leaving tomorrow. After he leaves I will be spending the day getting ready to go back to work. The unopened brown bag is still sitting on the kitchen table, it is the big, fat pink elephant in the room. For probably the hundredth time in the last three days, my dad's eyes roam to it. I have made a decision to take the bag with me into the bedroom tonight and open it up. Charlie will understand that I need to be alone, but at the same time, not ALL alone, in case I decide to have the mental breakdown that I know I am capable of having at any given moment._

_^**^_

_After dinner I make sure he is looking toward me, and away from the Tiger/Yankee game he has on, when I casually pick up the bag and say I am going to bed. The only thing he did to acknowledge me was incline his head and say, "Goodnight Bells." Before I exit he adds, "I love you, sweetie."_

_With tears in my eyes that I know would be falling shortly, "I know Dad, I love you too."_

_I sit atop my bed and stare at the bag. I decide to take a shower first. I then proceed to clean out my medicine cabinet, file my nails, look through a magazine and then finally, I give in. I take in the hospital seal that closed the bag that holds precious belongings, no matter how small and insignificant they really are. I slowly pull off the tape and open the bag. I take a deep breath and then glance in to the sack, only to see a few items. I know it wouldn't have been much. Edward didn't like to have his pockets full and he had stopped carrying his messenger bag some time ago. I decide to just turn the bag over and empty it onto the bed. The biggest thing was his wallet. I open it and pull out his driver's license and let out a small hiccup when I look at his picture._

_Everyone takes horrible driver's license photos, but not my Edward. He was perfect, as usual. He had that damn sexy smirk in the photo, even when they told you specifically not to smile. How did he get away with it? I am sure a girl was taking the photo. Next to his identification was a picture of him and me when we had taken a trip to New York last summer. Both of us had wide smiles with the Statue of Liberty positioned behind us. I put the wallet down on the bed reverently and sift through the other things on the bed. His cell phone, a pen, a paper clip, some loose change…I notice that there is a coin that was out of place. It looks like a quarter but is way too big to actually be one. I pick it up and realize that it is plastic. What is this? Holding it in my hand I peruse the rest…a napkin, and then I realize what the purpose of the peculiar coin is because underneath the napkin were two cards, a Queen of Diamonds and an Ace of Spades that are conspicuously joined together in the corner._

_They were props for the magic tricks he promised to show me when he got home that night._

**end of flashback**

I cried myself into a slumber that night and when I woke up I still had the coin in my hand. There had been many nights that started and ended that very way for months afterward, but at some point I was able to keep the coin on the nightstand. During some of my more difficult nights, I would revert back to rubbing the coin with my thumb until I calmed down and fell back asleep.

I will never come to know how these tricks are supposed to be performed but I feel a little bit of magic when I hold the coin because I know it was one of the last things he touched alive and I know that when he touched it, he did it with a smile on his face, humor on his mind and love for me in his heart. I can picture him anticipating showing me what he had learned.

If I know Edward at all, he was probably going through the procedure over and over in his head to make sure he would get the most ideal reaction out of me.

I lay there on top of the cold ground until the sun was almost down. Before I left, I promise him that I will atone for my sin, and for the sake of his memory, I vow never to think of that angel again.

No matter how much I want to.

^**^

In the month that followed, I am getting on with my life. I don't dwell on negative subjects.

Actually, I don't have the time to dwell on anything but my current schedule.

I have yoga on Monday and Thursday nights, Latin dance on Tuesday nights and swimming on Saturday mornings.

And for all that was worth, I still have nothing to do on what I now refer to as "Fuck-me-Fridays". I never allow myself any thought time to figure out why I call it that.

Angela and I have gone to the movies on one occassion and dinner on another. She asked me to go to The Machine Shop a couple of times but I always politely refuse.

Even though I am in perfect control, and I have no partiality for anything - or anyone - in that area, I don't see the need for even the smallest of temptations.

I walk into the office on Friday morning and attack the work on my desk. I am looking forward to my swimming class tomorrow, we are going to learn the breaststroke and even though I have done it in the past I was never real good at it.

I feel like my life is really returning to something normal. Well, normal as it could be without Edward.

I am actually somewhat happy, almost giddy for some reason, and I can't understand why. It is like I am keeping a secret that everyone else wants to know. With a smile I take a sip of my drink and began to silently singing Bon Jovi's, "You Give Love a Bad Name", which is currently playing through my iHome.

Angela walks into my office with another stack of papers that I am likely going to have to get through before the end of the day. But, still in a good mood, I say, "What's up, woman? Are we still on for chick flick night at your place tonight?"

"Hell yeah! Jeez that Hugh Grant is fuckhot!" She plops the papers on an empty corner of my desk and makes a space to perch herself on the edge of it. I chuckle at that, _to each there own_. She starts to say something and then she stops and grabs my drink.

"Hey, I notice you have been drinking Starbucks the last couple of weeks. I didn't think you drank coffee." She sniffs it. "Oh, MY favorite! Mint Mocha Latte…coffee and mint taste so good together, don't they?"

I start to respond, "Yeah..."

_Oh, God…yes, yes they do. _FUCK.

Angela shrugs and continues to say whatever she was going to say before she unknowingly pointed out my unconscious betrayal - but I am oblivious.

_Getting better_? No, I am not any better - I have been delusional.

I have just realized that all the activities that I recently added to my life were created for this reason. I was gone almost every night and when I got home I was so tired all I wanted to do was crash. And all for what? To make a cover for the fact that I hadn't forgotten one fucking moment of that night.

I had subconsciously been swallowing the flavor of _him_ every day.

I am losing it!

_Fuck, fuck fuck. What do I do now?_

* * *

**AN: Well, we all knew that Bella was going to have to throw a pity party. She wouldn't be normal if she didn't. But I didn't want it to last too long. I loved this flashback because I adore Charlie. He was one of my favorite characters in the movie. Billie Burke is a bit of a hottie. Maybe it's just me. What did you think? Please tell me your thoughts.**


	9. Losing My Ground

**AN: Ok guys, I got this out early because I was hoping that I would get to send another one out before I leave for Vegas next week.**

**By the way, if you guys haven't noticed, I have a poll on my profile page that asks what "extra service" of Jazz's that you want to see Bella fork out the cash for in a future chapter. Take a few seconds to vote, I am very interested in your opinions.**

**Of course, I don't own twilight or any of it's characters. **

* * *

**Losing my Ground – Fergie**

_Is that me in the mirror?_

"_Cause I thought it was somebody else_

_Well, it's a realization, when you find out_

_You don't even want to look at yourself_

_Where do I go? What do I do?_

_Who Do I turn to? I'm losing my ground._

**Chapter 9 **

Everyone in Michigan, or anyone else that lives in an area that requires them to drive on ice occasionally, must know that in order to right yourself when you are spinning on ice, you have to steer into the spin and not away from it. That is what I have decided to do about Jazz. Yes, I am now allowing myself to say his name, because I am going to steer myself into that night and not away anymore. I had been avoiding it like the plague and I am now sure that wasn't the best course because it's left me spinning out of control.

I just got home from my swimming class and I have found that perfecting my breaststroke is apparently going to take more than one lesson. I've got a great teacher though, he knows what he is doing and he is incredibly nice.

It also doesn't hurt the he is hot. Jacob has long jet-black hair that reaches just below his shoulders, too long to be in style but he pulls it off fabulously. His eyes almost are almost just as dark as his hair. I don't think I have ever seen eyes quite that dark before and he has a great smile, but the most obvious thing about Jacob's appearance is his physique. He swims in competitions when he isn't teaching, and you can tell. He has a well-built chest and sexy legs. I never considered myself a "leg-woman" but damn, you couldn't ignore those thighs. And Jacob in the pool…his hair slicked back and water glistening on his face and shapely chest is a wet dream waiting to happen.

He is completely opposite in looks from Jazz. _Ah yes, back to the issue_.

_Oh, Jazz…_

A month ago I told myself that there was no way that I could have someone touch me without being in a relationship but in that very same week I had sex with Jazz. And loved it...that is, until the guilt hit.

Maybe I am ready for a relationship.

Ugh. No way, the thought of starting a relationship almost sends me into a full blown panic attack. I can't even take off my ring yet. I mean, I haven't dated a whole lot but I am pretty sure that's a deal breaker.

So, no relationship…but I enjoy the sex. I know where this is going and I have to stop myself because I can't do it again.

_I can't see him again_.

It is just so easy with him - no relationship, no feelings, just wonderful unadulterated, mind-blowing, fuckhot sex.

Maybe if I just _think _about him.

I have been keeping myself so busy with work and classes that I fall into bed every night. I haven't masturbated since before _that _day. If I just took care of myself than I won't go to him.

I sigh. Just thinking about it sounds unappealing, but now that I have started thinking about Jazz again, the vibrations and tingling are ever present, sending shivers down my spine.

When I lost Edward I went to see a therapist for a month because my work paid any expenses that my insurance wouldn't cover. I quit seeing her as soon as I knew that I wouldn't get shit from everyone for it. She was nice enough but she always wanted to talk about my feelings and I am just not into bearing my soul to a stranger. One day she told me that I could not ignore my needs. I mean, at that time she was talking about stuff like eating and sleeping - but wasn't sex a need, too?

Memories, that I now allow, assail me. I picture Jazz looking like an angel in the dimly lit room, his eyes gazing up at me as I stand over him threading my hands through his soft curls, him bucking into my hand as I stroke his arousal. That straining cock moving in and out faster and harder…

_Ugh! I am making way too much out of this._ The more distant the memories become the more I am convinced that I am grossly exaggerating that events that took place that evening. I mean, the band wasn't that great...were they? The night wasn't that hot…Jazz wasn't that gorgeous…the sex wasn't that amazing…_right_?

I mean, I am treating him like he is a God or something. I didn't even treat Edward like that and there is **no one** hotter than Edward.

I betcha if I saw him again I won't be impressed.

_Perhaps I need to see him again to get over this obsession_.

Frankly, I was sick of denying myself. It is making the urges worse because I am telling myself I can't.

Am I trying to justify going to him again?

I mean, before Jazz, I had only had sex with Edward. Won't the experience I will ultimately gain from spending some time with Jazz be an asset to my future relationships? I have to admit that I could use some knowledge in this category and who better to teach me than someone who does it for a living?

Won't it be nice to start a relationship without having to worry about satisfying him in bed? I can remain impartial…leave my feelings out of it.

I spend several hours contemplating this. _I could do this_.

This was right, wasn't it?

**^^^^^**************^^^^^**

_Oh, this is so very wrong_.

I sit in my car parked down the road from The Machine Shop. There is no show tonight so the streets were not that crowded. I have been here for about a half hour and hadn't seen him yet. He could be conducting business right now. So, how long would that take?

_This is wrong on so many levels_.

I have no intention of actually communicating with him tonight; I just want to see him again. To see if he was actually as fucktastic as my memory recalled.

_Oh yeah? Than why are you wearing your best bra and panty set?_

Would he recognize my car if he saw it? How many Infiniti G-37's come to this area, late at night? It's not a real popular model to begin with. But surely, in the last month and a half, he has been with numerous women, so he will have likely forgotten me and my car by now.

So I set my seat back so I could rest more comfortably and sip on my Mint Mocha Latte.

I only had to wait about twenty minutes before I spot him.

_Holy shit_.

My memory has not done him justice. Just looking at him makes my stomach clench and my pussy contract. He had just walked out one of the many bars located on this street with the same guy friend from the last time.

I am quite a distance away but I can still see him with perfect clarity as he stands under one of the adorning street lamps. With the light shining down on that golden hair he looks like the angel that I remembered. His friend was tall, like Jazz and pretty good-looking, but standing next to Jazz he just looked ordinary.

Jazz, I'm sure, isn't good for his business.

Testing myself, I thought about maybe having a go with his friend instead, if all I need is sex. _No way_. I am not going to try to figure out why that thought repulses me so much.

Jazz must have said something funny because he is grinning widely, showing off his beautiful smile, and his friend busts up laughing. It is just then that he turns his head slightly and looks over in my direction. It looks like he starts to look back toward his friend and then he snaps his head back to my area again, as if doing a double take. However, I am still confident that he will not remember the night where I had requested his services. So, regardless of his strange reaction, I sit, waiting to see what he will do.

He says something to his friend and then starts moving in my direction, his eyes are fixed on me. _Oh Shit_.

_No, no, no, no. I am not ready_.

He is closer now, and I am sure that he can now see me in the interior. He starts to smile and jog the rest of the way. I panic. I start the car and peal off in the opposite direction. I look in the rear view mirror and watch him as he stops and frowns, watching my car ride off in the distance.

_Crap_.

**^^^^^**************^^^^^**

I lay in bed that night thinking of what an ass I am. I can't believe I did that. What does he think of me now?

Oh, why should I care? I think morosely. And with those tender thoughts I fall into a fitful sleep.

The next morning I wake up wondering if hookers did morning shifts. I wait until lunchtime and go back to wait in the same place as I did yesterday. Again, I sit back with my Mint Mocha Latte and wait patiently.

_I am fucked up. I am a fucked up prostitute stalker_.

It takes about a half hour before my stomach starts growling. Shit.

There is a Panera restaurant a few buildings down. I can grab a sandwich and bring it back to the car to continue my stalk…my waiting.

I jump out of the car and high tail it to Panera, but just as I was outside the door - I feel it. The feeling of someone watching you - that skin crawling, coupled with that hot sensation that runs down your neck. I turn my head to see Jazz. He has come out of a small grocery store across the street from where I am. He is with the girl from that first night and he has a bag in his hand. When he noticed me, he must've stopped in his tracks. His friend turns back when she realizes he is no longer following her and she has a look of confusion on her face.

I note that she looks different. She didn't have any make-up on and her hair was flat. She looks...normal…better even, than she did the other night.

She should look like that when she works. Well, who am I to say what drunk, horny men like.

He breaks away from the stare first and continues to walk toward a newer model GMC Envoy. He loads the bag into the back seat behind the driver's door. He starts to look back toward me and then about halfway turns his head back to the car, as if forcing himself not to look again. He hesitates momentarily before he gets in the vehicle and drives off without a backward glance.

Shit. I _had_ pissed him off.

I sullenly walk into Panera and decide that since I am no longer waiting for someone I can eat inside of the restaurant. I order my usual, a cup of broccoli cheese soup and a Greek salad. I had just sat down when I spot Jazz walk through the door, stare down the room, and then look directly at me.

_If looks could kill_…

How could he have gotten back here so fast? Was the girl still with him? Without breaking eye contact he strides over toward me purposefully with a glower on his face. _Oh, boy_. _Here we go._

"So what brings you back to this area?" He says scathingly, taking as much of me in as possible with those gorgeous eyes. "I had some business over in this area." I lie. He didn't know what I did for a living. He didn't even know my name for Christ sakes.

"Did you have business in this area at about eleven last night, too?" He has me there. But I continue the lie. "Yes." I say in a small voice as he looks at me skeptically.

He growls in frustration and turns to walk away. "Wait!" I almost yell. He swung back around the anger making his face slightly flushed and tight. "I came to see you." I admit.

He lets out a hard, cynical chuckle and turns to walk away again. I get up, leaving my food untouched at the table, and follow him out the door. He swings around almost running into me. He apparently wasn't aware that I am right on his heels. He takes a step back as if I had cooties. "Did you come to see me like you came to see me last night? Because I can go without being left in the middle of the fucking street again."

I flinch. "I am sorry about last night. That is not how I wanted things to go, I just panicked…please." I say stretching my hand toward his forearm in some form of consolation.

I glance at the car and notice that the girl is still in the car. He had turned around and left in her in the car. _To see me_. He sighs and looks at me and I can tell that his eyes have softened, but the frown is still in place.

"Are…are you working?" I stutter, looking just to the right of his shoulder, too self-conscious to meet his eyes. He doesn't answer so I look at him. His ocean blue eyes are stormy, like he is trying to make a decision. "No, not until tonight."

With that, he walks away.

^*^

I came back at seven-o'clock in the evening. He knew I would be there and I promised myself that I was not going to fuck it up this time. He notices me right away. God, he looks gorgeous. He was wearing black jeans with a light grey pullover, due to the chilly evening air. I pull off to the side and wait for him while I was getting my money ready. I continue to watch him, watching me. He isn't getting any closer. _What is he waiting for_? I understand that he doesn't want a repeat of yesterday so I pull my car out onto the road and stop directly in front of him. He has two new friends with him so I stare out the front windshield, embarrassed.

Still, he does not approach the car. I get it now. I really hurt him yesterday, and as punishment he is going to make this difficult for me. Knowing that he had a reason to didn't make it any easier to accept. With those thoughts, I get out of the car and stomp over to him like a petulant child. Taking his hand in mine to bring it palm up, I slap the money into it.

"Just get in the fucking car already."

His friends laugh, he smiles and I pout.

* * *

**AN: Uh oh. Who invited Jacob into my fic? I hate that guy. Anyone smell trouble coming up? **

**Not in the next chapter though…it's all about the nookie.**

**Please review, you all know how much I appreciate your comments.**


	10. Race Against Myself

**AN: Well guys, I am leaving for Vegas tomorrow so the next chapter won't be out until Friday or Saturday. Enjoy this one, it is my favorite one so far.**

**Remember that I have a poll on my profile page for you to let me know what "extra" service Bella should pay for in a future lemon. Your opinion matters so just click on my name above right now, so you won't forget then double back and read the chapter.**

**Thanks again to everybody for reviewing and adding me to their alerts and favs.**

**Chapter 3 & 4 were edited for punctuation. I am catching up, that shit takes forever because I hate doing it.**

**I do not own twilight or any of the characters.**

* * *

**Race Against Myself – Offspring**

_(And I want)  
I've tried as hard as I can  
(And I need)  
I've taken all I can stand  
(And I fall)  
But I am running a race  
Against myself  
Against myself, yeah_

**Chapter 10 **

"Now don't be like that darlin'." He says this with a big smirk on his face as he gets into the car and straps himself in. Now that I had served my punishment he is ready to forgive me for yesterday. With those thoughts, my mood becomes jubilant. I give him a sideways smile and take off toward his apartment.

"I hate to do this to you but we may have a minor issue." He says warningly. "What?" I reply, confused.

He smiles, "Well _as you know_, I just started working when you picked me up…"

When he paused I said, "Yes???"

"Well, James might not be, uh, finished yet." James. Well, _at least I know one of their names._

"OK?"

"Do you mind if I run up there first and see if they're still there?"

"God no, please go ahead." I say, appalled. As if I want to walk in on anything that was going on up there. Unwillingly, I picture James performing some of the "extras" that Jazz had mentioned on some generic girl. Ugh.

He lets out a small laugh when he seems to know what I am thinking. "They'd be in his room, darlin', you wouldn't see anything."

"Well than how are you going to…evaluate the situation?" He laughs again and then he is serious, "By sound."

I don't ask.

My stomach growls then. I was so busy thinking about coming tonight, _literally_, that I didn't eat dinner, and well, lunch had been a disaster. After I talked to Jazz, I had gone back into Panera but someone had already discarded my tray.

I don't think he heard the offending sound that came from my stomach, if he did he doesn't comment.

"So how many times a night can you...do...this?" This time he lets out a heartier laugh.

His eyes are light and playful when he looks at me, "Well, there's my curious monkey."

The way he said _my_ curious monkey makse my heart clench. Just then we pull up to the apartment building. I let him out in front of the door and I pull into a nearby parking spot.

Not even a minute later, he comes back out with a small bag. "They should only be a few more minutes." He says. I shiver. I pull out of my current parking spot and head toward the back of the building. I don't even want to see them come out of the building together. Yuck.

My mood cannot have been better though. I know what to expect tonight and it is making me fucking giddy! Not only the pleasure, but what I will consider to be my first lesson. Once I park, I look again at the bag he has clutched in his hands. "Watcha got there?"

"I thought you might be hungry." He says with a knowing smirk. Guess he did hear my stomach. He pulls the contents out of the bag. There is a Tupperware dish, two forks, one piece of paper towel and two cans of Pepsi. He opens the container and it appears to be steaming.

_They must have a microwave up there_. I did a mental shrug.

He hands me a fork, which I gladly accept and dug in. It is a generous piece of lasagna and it looks scrumptious. I take a mouthful; it is hot so I had to roll it around my mouth for a second. Jazz is watching me intently for some reason. Once I start to chew I could not believe how good it tastes. "Oh my God, this is incredible!" I moan slightly and grab another bite. "Where did you get it?"

He looks down into the Tupperware container. "I made it."

"Seriously?" I say skeptically.

"Yeah, it is a family recipe." _Wow, a domestic Jazz_? He just became infinitely hotter.

"Do you like to cook?" I say. He hesitates, still looking down. He has a strained look on his face and then, unfortunately, I understand.

"Too personal." He said, reminding me. _Dumb rules_.

He grabs my iPod and starts scanning through it. He must not like the Dixie Chicks, which is currently playing.

"Edward's playlist." He read. "Was that your husband?" Jazz saying Edward's name forces me squeeze my eyes shut for a second. Guilt flits through me but I tamp it down immediately, my mood will not be ruined tonight.

"Too personal." I respond like he did to my last question. However, I supposed he knew my answer from my reaction.

All of the sudden, I am no longer hungry so I put down the fork and take the piece of paper towel to wipe my face. When I bring the napkin to my face, he grabs my hand and brings his other hand up to my face to wipe the corner of my mouth with the pad of his thumb. His thumb lingers while his eyes go unfocused. Does he want to kiss me? Oh, how I want to do that. He breaks the moment by looking down, to continue to look through the catalog of music on my iPod.

"I don't know what to pick." He starts to hand it back to me. "Why not? Don't you like music?" I ask the question like it is unheard of.

"No, I love music." _He loved music._ Why does this make my heartbeat accelerate? I shouldn't care.

"I just don't know if you would like anything I would choose." He says. I snicker at that. I decide to tease him. "How could you pick something I wouldn't like? It's _my_ iPod. I like everything on it or it wouldn't be there." I snicker again and sock him in the shoulder for good measure.

He looks at me in shock and then in mock hurt grabs his arm and says, "I think you may have broken it." I laugh and give him a little jab. "Well, that is what you get for being a dumb shit."

He laughs at that. His laugh is so genuine and sexy. I wonder what it would feel like if he laughed while he was inside me…*sigh*

Led Zeppelin's "Communication Breakdown" begins to play out of my speakers and I look over at him. How fitting, I think a little sadly. I was surprised he put them on. My dad was a fan and I had learned to like them through repeated exposure.

"Led Zeppelin is a little old for you, isn't it?" I wonder how old he actually is. I know better than to ask. He looks about my age, but could go a couple years either way.

"No, my band is…" He stops abruptly. He's in a band? _He he he_. He just told me something personal, even if it was by accident. I keep a look of pure innocence on my face but internally I am doing a happy dance.

I am starting to learn some personal things about Jazz today and I am, as usual, fascinated. I am discovering that I am becoming more interested in him than in his chosen profession and I have to put a stop to it. The thoughts I am having are not only ridiculous but completely impossible. I cannot start to show affection for someone that could not possibly return these feelings, nor someone who had no inclination to do so.

We don't speak for a minute, breaking into a comfortable silence. _How can I be so comfortable with him?_ We hardly know each other. He finishes his meal and places the tupperware and plasticware back into the bag.

"So…what have you been up to the last five weeks?" He says, looking down at his hands.

_He remembered how long it had been?_

I cannot count the many ways that it would considered stupid and dangerous for me to think that he missed me in some way. _That is insane_.

"I've been pretty busy. I work a lot and I take some classes." Why did I feel like I should justify why I hadn't seen him until now? I saw the curiosity on his face but I know he won't ask me about my classes. Little did he know he is the reason that I had ultimately decided to take all of them.

To lighten the mood I revert back to my insatiable need to ask questions of his choice of work. I don't remember, at all in my life, being this curious. Not even as a kid. "So how much do you charge for "extras?" I say, light-heartedly.

"It depends on what you want." His blue eyes sparkled.

"You mean you don't have a price list that I can peruse?" He lets out another one of those sexy as hell laughs. "No, but I'll look into doing that."

We both are smiling when he suggests that we should see if James was still...entertaining. I move the car around the parking lot. Jazz didn't know which car they are here in so he quickly ran back upstairs and when he came back down he just opens the front door and signals me in. I park and meet him in the small lobby.

As we make our way up the elevator and into his apartment I can feel the butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. When we are in his room he turns on the lamp and then comes straight to me, removing his shirt along the way. This time he doesn't ask the question, he just comes over to me and removes my top. His eyes rake over me and then he starts to unbutton his pants. I follow suit and remove my shoes and jeans.

He is in his boxers and I am in my bra and panties. When I start to remove my bra he stops me by gathering me into his arms. "Let me, darlin'." He says breathlessly, right into my ear, in his sexy southern drawl. The words feel like velvet, I just want to rub up against them. So I press my body up against him as his lips skim down my neck. He places open-mouthed kisses along my shoulder and over my bra strap.

His hands are at my back, deftly undoing the small clasp that holds my bra on my body. He removes it quickly and smashes my naked breasts to his chest as his grip on my back tightens. He rapidly moves us over the bed and pushs me lightly where I fall onto it. My breath is already coming out in quick pants. The atmosphere is combustible.

I lay on the bed with Jazz standing over me with an almost animalistic look in his eyes. I am already coming unglued. I don't think I have ever experienced anything like this before. Where Edward's and I coupling's were usually sweet and sensitive, with sometimes an occassional "quickie", it had never been this intense. Jazz drives me crazy with the looks that he is giving and all I can think about is how fast I could get him inside me.

I reach up to him and yank on his boxers, removing them in one fell swoop. I am eye level with his swollen cock as it is just inches from my face and I can feel my mouth watering. He stands frozen in front of me. I want to take him in my mouth to see what he tastes like but I know I am not allowed, so I breathe him in through my nose and open my mouth slightly so I can caress him with my warm breath, his dick twitches and he lets out a tortured groan. He pushs me back onto the bed and then falls onto me. His mouth is open and hot along my collarbone, his hands effectively teasing my nipples into hardened nubs. His mouth follows his hands and suckles one of the nubs, then breaking away and flicking it with this tongue. After spending several moments there he moves to the other nipple, laving it.

The real thing blew the memories I had of the previous encounter away. I am writhing underneath him, I have to get my panties off but his hands are all over me. Palming my calves, thighs, stomach…

He is acting like he is just as desperate to join as I am.

_Boy, he is good_.

And I am going to soak all of this up like a sponge. I have a feeling that Jazz is going to teach me a lot of things.

He stands up and moves away from the bed. I know what he is doing this time. He comes back and holds out the foiled package in a silent question. _Hell yes, I would put it on._ I grab the package from his hand, open it and apply it quickly. While he removes my panties, I have a thought. He starts to lower himself over me and I move out of the way, making him fall onto the bed. He turns his head to look at me with one brow raised in question. "I want to be on top." I say in sultry voice. Did I really say that? _When did I become so wanton?_

He turns over so he is lying on his back, there is a fire blazing in his eyes. I can see that he is not opposed to this. I climb on top of him and he starts to position himself but I put my hand on his and whisper, "Not yet." His hands move to rub my thighs as I slowly slide my wet core back and forth over his raging hard on, turning him and myself on. His breath ise coming out in large pants. I can tell he is coming undone and I love it. He is so beautiful like this. I am making it my mission to get him to cum without all of his well-placed control. I want to see my angel writhe in desire, too. _I_ want to be the whore and him my customer.

I hold his cock while I take him inside me inch, by slow inch. When I am fully seated on him I lower my mouth to that damn nipple ring and take it in between my lips and do some suckling of my own. I let go and raise my head within an inch of it, pinching it with my fingers, I whisper thickly, "This is so fucking sexy." He emits an agonized groan and threads his fingers into my hair. I lean back to look at him as I slowly move up and down, milking his cock. His face is so angelic in all its passion.

Internally, I am smiling because I know I am in the process of successfully breaking his carefully built façade.

He still has his hands in my hair and it is lightly brushing over his face and chest. I have never, in all my life, wanted to kiss someone so badly. _Goddamn rules._ I feel like I won't be able to survive without a kiss so I shut my eyes and pray my imagination is vivid. I picture his soft lips on mine - firm and gentle as they move over mine. His tongue darting out to touch my lips, begging for entrance…that is as far as I get because I start clenching and I know I will be done soon.

I have to do something fast so I lower my lips to his ear, I suck the lobe in my mouth then whisper breathlessly, "God, you are so fucking hot underneath me. I wish I could fuck you all night."

He moans and then grabs my hips roughly and starts moving me up and down his length feverishly. I can barely stay atop him so I hold onto his shoulders for dear life. We both have sweat dripping down our bodies and the sensations running through my core told me I am on the brink. So I bend down and take the nipple ring and his little nub in-between my teeth and bite down gently. He shouts, "Cum!...Cum now, damnit…Ah, FUCK!" As he spilt his seed into the condom.

The combination of everything that had just happened sent me over the edge, and when the most powerful orgasm I have ever had is done I fall on top of him, breathing heavily into the crook of his neck.

Feeling an extreme amount of confidence in what just happened; I catch my breath and turn my lips to his ear. "My name is Bella, by the way." I lift my face so I can see how he takes that but his eyes are closed tightly.

Again, the urge to kiss this man underneath me is overwhelming.

Ah well, I am not going to dwell on that after I have just had the best sexual experience of my life. So I decide to tease him again instead. "Sooo, it didn't seem like you were too into it, did you like it?" I say with a smirk. Obviously hearing the laughter in my voice, he opens his eyes and they are full of mischief. "So, you think you're just all that now?" I shake my head up and down in exaggeration.

"Oh, yeah? Well what do you think of this?" He grasps my sides and starts squeezing. I try to tuck myself in, to try to cut off access to my ticklish spots while I laugh uncontrollably. He has somehow reversed roles and now he is hovering over me tickling me ceaselessly. I am begging for him to stop and eventually he has pity on me and rolls off me smiling. We both lay there with smiles on our faces before he sobers up. Without looking at me he said quietly, "Can you drive me back?" _Back to reality._

"Yeah, sure." I mean, the man _is _working, after all.

We both get dressed and leave his apartment. The car ride is silent. I stop to let him out and he glances at me. He doesn't know what to say and neither do I. All I know is I didn't want this evening to end on a bad note - but I am not able to form words. I finally force a smile and say in the most cheerful voice I can muster, "Bye, Jazz. Thanks for tonight."

He pauses like he wants to say more but instead just decides on, "Bye, _Bella._"

_He said my name_. I could have died right there.

He gets out of the car and as I pull away I watch him, watching me, disappear into the distance.

How many times a night can he do what we just did? I had asked that question earlier and he never did answer. That was okay. I am pretty sure I don't want to know anymore.

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**AN: Well, like I said, this is one of my favorite chapters so far. How about you? Did you like the bonding between Jazz and Bella in the car? Was the lemon sweet or sour? Oh, and wish me some luck in Vegas, I will need it. **


	11. Addicted

**AN: I'mmm baaacck. Thanks for everyone that wished me well in Vegas, I had a great time and I only lost two-thirds of my money, so that is a "win" in my book.**

**I just wanted to advise anyone that, if you get concerned about how this story will end, please visit my profile page. I "bolded" a specific area that you will be interested in if you are looking for some reassurance. While your there and click on the poll to vote on which "extra" you'd like Bella to put the cash up for in a future chapter.**

**Again, I have no ownership in Twilight or any of it's characters, but please join me in a round of applause to Stephenie Meyers for creating some fuckhot characters that we all love to read and write about.**

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**Addicted – Kelly Clarkson**

_And I know I let you have all the power_

_And I Realize I'm never gonna quit you over time_

_It's like I can't breathe_

_It's like I can't see anything_

_Nothing but you_

_I'm addicted to you._

_It's like I can't think_

_Without you interrupting me_

_In my thoughts, in my dreams you've taken over me…_

**Chapter 11**

I have never been more grateful for my yoga class. The class leaves me so sore that I have no desire to do anything but come home and fall into bed.

This is my second class this week so I can hardly move. When I fall into bed I glance at the coin on my bedside table but I don't pick it up. I haven't picked it up since the day I went to visit Edward, but I look at it every night. One of these days I have hopes that I will be able to move it into one of the drawers in my nightstand, but I still have worries that I will wake up and need it and it won't be there.

Looking up to the ceiling, I reflect on the turns my life have taken recently and sigh.

In bed, every night this week, I thought about last weekend. _I am not addicted_. I go through all five of my senses remembering every detail. _I am not addicted_. I think about how I am going to make him cum next. _I am not addicted._

I am anticipating my next visit with him like a druggie to his next fix and I get edgy and nervous when I think about having to wait another day to get it but I _am not _addicted because I never give into my desires, I never go to _him_.

I chalk it up to just being young and healthy.

_I have desires and there is no shame in that,_ I think guiltily.

I am a walking contradiction.

_I refuse to let this consume me!_

Maybe I should wait a couple of weeks before I go to see him again. Prove to myself that I am not possessed by this angel. My plan is to see him every fuck-me-Friday, which means that I would have been going to see him tomorrow.

Shit, what was I going to do then? Sit home and twiddle my fucking thumbs thinking about how I could be getting thoroughly screwed at that moment if I wasn't such a fuckwad and learned to deal with things rationally, instead of going overboard with my hormones, making my emotions totally freak out on me.

If I am being honest with myself I will have to admit that most of my troubles does not have as much to do with the sex as they did with Jazz. _He_ is the crux of the issue. _He_ is what I look forward to, it is _his_ looks, the way _he_ touches me, the way _he_ speaks to me, the things _he_ says, the personality that _he_ carefully trys to conceal, which is slowly leaking and becoming less of a mystery and God help me, I like it, I like _him_.

He is funny, he is considerate, he is sensitive, and he is charming. Of course it could just be an act, but I know deep down that last weekend he was showing me pieces of the real him.

Shit.

Well, since I don't have any plans now, tomorrow is going to decidedly resemble Hell. Maybe Angela would be up for another night of pizza and chick flicks.

_Fantastic_.

^^^^^^^^^********************^^^^^^^^

I wake up feeling really tired on Saturday. Angela had agreed to the movie marathon but I think I had worn out my welcome. After watching Bridget Jones one and two, Must Love Dogs and then Never Been Kissed I talked her into putting in Clueless…because that movie is just fucking epic.

Well, that, and I didn't want to leave until I was sure that I wouldn't go anywhere but straight home. It was about two in the morning when I finally left her house. On the way home I had to blare Drowning Pools "Bodies" to stay awake.

Hopefully I didn't deter Angela from doing movie night again with my lack of social etiquette. I will have to apologize. I can buy her some new movies, that is, if I can find some that she doesn't already have. That girl has a damn Blockbuster in her basement.

I arrive at my swimming class five minutes late and I notice that everyone is in the pool doing the warm-ups. I see the teacher, Jacob, catch his eye and he winks at me. I give him a tentative smile, pull off my shorts and jump in to the tepid water.

I like being in the water, feeling so light…you know, with that whole lack of gravity thing going on. But what I prefer most is that when I am in the water I don't think about anything else except being in the water. It made me feel carefree, like I have no worries.

When we finish exercising, Jacob tells us to line up in groups of three in each lane so that we can practice the breaststroke that we began to learn last week. There are fourteen other people in this class with me. The age range varies from fifteen to sixty-two. Without crunching the numbers I will have to say the average age probably falls somewhere around my age.

There are three boys and the rest are girls. I think that the teacher has something to do with the girl to boy ratio.

I had overheard some of the girls saying that this is their second time taking the class. These are the same girls that flirt with Jacob unabashedly. I have to chuckle at there lack of decorum. I give them credit, though for having good taste. Jacob would certainly be a catch for any woman.

I am in the last of the five lanes and I am the last to go out of the three in my group. I sit on the edge of the pool with my feet dangling in the water, waiting for my turn. Jacob tours the length of the pool studying each swimmer's form. Once it is my turn I wade through the water slowly, making my way gingerly to the other end of the pool.

_I hate the breaststroke_. I know my form just sucks and it's confirmed when I look up and Jacob is looking down at me, fighting a smile. _What the hell?_ Is that acceptable teacher protocol to laugh at their students? I huff and continue to the other side.

I am about halfway back to my group when I feel someone plunge into the pool directly behind me. I stutter in my movements when I feel someone grab my foot. I struggle a moment in shock and then calm when I realize I am not in any danger. I look behind me to find a watered down Jacob. Unlike most other things that are gross when watered down, a watered down Jacob is a very good thing. I blush when I notice that he now has his hands on my calves effectively stopping all movement.

"Bella, your leg form is all off. Let me help you." He informed me. Still burning from being made fun of, I say with a note of irritation, "What? The joke is over? You are all done laughing at me and _now_ you're ready to teach?"

I am instantly sorry for what I said. Not only did he not laughed back there, he had tried his hardest to not even smile and the worst thing is that I said it loud enough for everyone to hear. He looks appalled. His eyes are as round as saucers, his mouth is open but no words are coming out.

_Fix this, Bella…fast_.

"I am sorry, this is a difficult stroke for me and it is very frustrating. I lashed out at you, when you did nothing to deserve it. Please accept my apology." I make sure I say this loud enough for everyone to hear. I have to try and salvage our amiable student/teacher relationship. He seems satisfied with the apology because he gives me a full-on smile. _Wow, he is one handsome dude_.

While I am receiving my extra lesson the other students occupy themselves by starting a game of dodge ball in the pool. "OK Bella, now kick your legs up." He instructed. When I do this he puts his hand on my stomach to keep me from sinking. Then he reaches for one of my legs and moves it in an odd pattern.

"You need to move your legs like this." He said as he repeated the motion over and over. "Now try to mirror this with your other leg." I probably look like a frog swimming in water, because that is what it feels like. "Good…now keep going." I just reach the edge of the pool in time to see Brenda, the sixty-two year old, pop Lauren, twenty, in the head with a ball. _Ouch_. I chuckle. _That had to hurt_…her pride, as well as her face. She glances up at Jacob to see if he witnessed the "take down" by a lady three times her senior, but is seemingly satisfied that he is paying no attention to her. However, she quickly changes her mind when she notices where his attention is. _Me_. She gives me a scathing look before turning it on Brenda, who is sporting a big smirk.

^*^

I just leave the locker room and am getting ready to leave when I notice Jacob walking around the pool gathering swimming paraphernalia. He is dressed in a tight, mouth-watering black v-neck T-shirt, jeans that slung low on his hips and white Converse. His hair is still damp from having to jump in the pool to help me.

With the recollection of the scene that I had caused, I decide that my public apology was not good enough. I am almost to his side before he notices my approach. He looks like he is in deep thought. When he focuses on me I can tell that I have taken him by surprise. When he first sees me he looks back down to the slippery tiled floor surrounding the pool, as if he thinks he will be receiving another lecture for his unsuitable behavior earlier, but he picks his head back up and smiles.

_Wow, what a smile_. Jacob could stop traffic with that smile.

"Bella, I am glad you came to see me. I am so sorry about today. You just looked so cute in the water today that I couldn't hold back my smile." He says timidly.

_He was smiling at me because he thought I was cute?_ I thought he was making fun of me and he just thought I was cute. Shit. I feel like such a twat.

"Jacob..." I start but he interrupts. "Please call me Jake."

"OK, Jake, I have had so much on my mind lately. I know that is not an excuse for acting like a dip-shit today. I hope you can forgive me." I look at him imploringly, hoping that I am conveying my sincerity.

"I think I can do that, but you'll have to do something for me." he teases.

"What's that?" I say readily.

"Go out to dinner with me next Friday." He winces, as if he is waiting for rejection. I look over into the pool, thinking…hard.

_Huh? Fuck-me Friday? Didn't I have some kind of plans? Oh yeah…Jazz._

Jazz could wait. This guy is actually in to me and I don't even have to pay him to pretend.

I look back at him. "Sounds like a plan. I can't wait." I lie, wishing that it didn't have to be.

We exchange phone numbers and I get in my car and just sit there with the car idling.

_This is good. Yes, this is good. This _is_ what I want._ I need someone who needs me and I _would_ see where this would go with Jake.

Am I ready for this? Wait. I am making way too much out of this. It is just dinner. One damn dinner. That would hopefully move slowly to other things.

So the bigger question…Will I see Jazz again? I shouldn't, but it's not like I will be having sex with Jake anytime soon, if at all. I'm sure it would take us some time to be exclusive, if this worked out, so it isn't cheating. No, I will not stop seeing Jazz yet. I still need his experience.

_Fuck waiting two weeks_. I need him tonight.

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**AN: Ok, so I know some of you are not thrilled about me putting Jacob in this story but there should be no worries. **

**Let me know what you thought. We work for your opinions, and reviews are our tips.**

**Also, the chick flicks that I mentioned in this chapter are my absolute favorite. If your gonna review, let me know what your favorite is. I am always looking to expand my collection.**


	12. Time Is Running Out

**AN: Another chapter and it isn't Wednesday. Don't kill me Jill. (She's the editor and she thinks I update to much.)**

**It's my birthday today and I decided to celebrate it "reverse style" and give you guys a present. Thanks for being so good to me. Before I get started though, I just wanted to address a couple of questions.**

**One - Some of you are asking for Jaspers POV, and I don't blame you, believe me. I am seriously considering doing this story again in just Jasper's POV. He has a massive story to tell and if this story turns out as good as I think it will I am going to do it. I am excited about the prospect of doing this but it won't be decided until I get your reactions from you guys at the end of this story.**

**Two - Some of you don't like it when Jasper isn't in every chapter but Bella has got a lot of shit going on and she has to get through some things. Please be patient. It will be likewise, if and when I redo this story from Jasper's POV. There will be some chapters that don't include Bella.**

**Three - According to the hits on my profile the last couple of days some of you are concerned about Jacob's involvement in the story. All I can say is what is a fanfic without some drama. If you are having a problem with this, it is going to be a rough ride, but I promise it will be worth it.**

**BTW - The poll will be open for a few more chapters on my profile. Please go and vote for what "extra" service you want Bella to pay for in a future chapter.**

**Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to read this. It makes my day to see how many hits I have. I guess I was truly naïve because I never realized that people would be reading this story, based out of Michigan, from all different countries around the world. It truly blows my mind.**

**That is enough. Yeah…I don't own twilight or any characters.**

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**Time Is Running Out – Muse**

_I think I'm drowning_

_Asphyxiated_

_I wanna break the spell_

_That you created_

_You're something beautiful_

_A contradiction_

_I wanna play the game_

_I want the friction_

**Chapter 12 **

I am there at seven p.m. on the button, even though I don't know if he is working or not. I think I am going to cry if he isn't. I need my relief. It looks like there is a show tonight - some country western band. It is kind of funny; the crowd is laced with cowboy hats, tight jeans with big belt buckles. I am admiring a girl who had fringe running down both sides of her from head to toe. It isn't her outfit that I am admiring; it is her courage for wearing said outfit for which I am impressed.

I start searching the crowd when I spot Jazz in a Caddy STS that is just passing by my car. He is in the passenger seat and there is a woman driving. I can't get a good description of her but I can tell that she is a little older, maybe thirty, but what is striking is her long beautiful red hair. She has the drivers' window down and strands of her hair are dangling out the window like flames.

Jazz has his head down so I don't know if he notices me or not. They pull a few cars ahead of me and I can see their shadows in the car, he opens the car door to get out immediately but she detains him. I want to look away but I can't, my eyes are glued to the scene in front of me. I can see her lift her arm and thread it through his hair. _My angel's hair_. I am hurt. I am pissed. I am _jealous_.

_He. Was. Not. Mine._

_Son of a bitch_. I fist my hands and slam them against the steering wheel.

He is not my boyfriend, nor will he ever be. Fuckin' A. Why am I doing to myself? I am jumping headfirst into this…this…what the fuck is this? What do I have with this man? I am a goddamn business transaction to him and I am jealous because...why? I am not going to waste my time exploring this anymore.

I know this thing with me and Jazz, whatever it is, has an expiration date. The _situation_ between us is too fragile, with him being my first since Edward and the small little fact that he is a prostitute and all. But that time is not here yet and I am going to enjoy every second we spend together until I decide it is over.

So I wipe any expression off of my face to conceal my emotions before I approach him. I am still trying to control my raging emotions so I don't even notice when he slides into the passenger seat. When he buckles up he doesn't even look at me and he has a grimace on his face.

Does he not want to see me? Does it matter? _Yes. It does._

I stare down into the steering wheel. "Do you want me to come back some other time?" I say quietly.

He snaps his head around and I can feel his eyes bore into the side of my face. "No." He says almost angrily. He grabs the money I laid on the console and shoves it into his pocket roughly.

What is _his_ problem? I should be the one with the problem. I am the one being considerate and he is acting like the offended one. What sense did that make? I can tell you right now, he doesn't want to fuck with me. I am in no mood to placate the person that I am paying to fuck me senseless.

With those thoughts running through my mind we take off to his place in silence. When we get there he walks at a hefty pace in which I have to practically run to keep up with, so my frustration is ready to explode when we make it into his "love nest".

I stalk past him into his room and whirl around to face him, leveling him with a look of unconcealed annoyance, but again he isn't paying any attention to me. I open my mouth to speak but he starts first.

"Don't. Don't try to make me feel bad, it won't work. This is my job." He demands.

_What?_ "I don't know what you're…"

"You aren't going to save me. I'm not changing for you or anyone else. I don't have to explain myself to you." He is pacing and his face looks determined.

I tried to conceal my emotions when he arrived at the car but it is obvious that he can tell that I had been disturbed seeing him with the redhead. He probably is upset that it bothers me and is pretty much putting me in my place for thinking, even for a second, that he could be mine. He is telling me it is this or nothing. _I choose this_.

I come straight up to him and say, "I know, I know. I am not trying to change you. I happen to like you just the way you are." I say smiling as best as I can.

When I am afraid the smile is faltering I quickly grab him in a hug so he can't see the pained look on my face. He stiffens and then relaxes; wrapping his arms around me and hugging me back.

We sit there in an embrace for several moments. We have seen each other nude and writhing but somehow I feel that this is the most intimate thing we have ever done. I don't want to notice but if feels so damn good being held in his arms, like I am meant to be there.

_Bella, you're becoming very foolish._

He squeezes me tight for a moment and then whispers into the top of my head. "Do you mind if I take a quick shower?" Does he want to shower for my benefit? His way of assuring me that he is clean?

I pull away reluctantly. "No, go ahead. I have plenty of time." I say with a wink. He smirks and then leaves the room. I hear the shower go on and snicker when I can hear him singing, "Stay Together Forever" by Blink-182. With a sigh, I go over to the bed and start pondering my predicament. I am getting too far into this and I need to get out soon but I know I won't be able to force myself to leave. I can only hope that this date I had next week with Jacob would lead to something more significant.

The mood had already been destroyed and I want to make sure that when he gets back I am in good spirits. Enough for the both of us. So I start contemplating what I am going to do to him tonight. God, I love to watch him come undone. His forehead scrunches, his eyes squeeze shut, his mouth parts with his head thrown back…ah God, he better hurry and get back before I have to take care of myself. I wonder what he would do if he came in while I was pleasuring myself?

_I am so very evil._

But, before I can act on that thought he is back in the room. He is clad in nothing but his boxers. Water is trickling down his neck and back from his still dripping hair. He is so sexy, I just want to lick him. _And I will_.

I am sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed. He comes over to me on the bed and mirrors me with our knees touching. He isn't making a move toward me, is he waiting for me to make a move? Why am I nervous all of a sudden? To cover it up I start my usual round of questioning.

"I think since you made me wait you owe me something." He raises a brow questioningly but doesn't say anything. "I have questions for you."

He chuckles. "Surprise, surprise."

I know he isn't going to like this. "I think I should get to ask five _personal_ questions."

He looks at me warily and then resigned, "Not too personal and I have the right to refuse."

"Fair enough." I agreed. "Okay, first question. You had mentioned that you were in a band. What is the name of it?"

"Too personal." I look at him suspiciously, if he won't answer that then what will he answer? But I can tell he isn't going to budge. Then I realize that he probably is afraid that I would stalk him.

"Okay. Well, what is your role in this band?" I ask instead. "I play the guitar."

"What type of music does your band play?" Again he answers, "Too personal." What a brat.

"How old are you?" He hesitates but answers this one, "Twenty-four." He is the same age as me. I will be twenty-five in less than a month. I wonder if that makes me older.

"Do you have siblings?" I ask cautiously. "Yes." He says and leaves it at that. I can tell he is teasing me and I lean over to give him a charlie horse but he blocks my efforts. "Okay, okay…you brute…I have one sister."

I have a question I am scared to ask but I want to know. "Why...why…do you do this?" He looks away, I know he is going to tell me it is too personal but then he shocks me by saying, "I have a lot going on and this job gives me the time that I need to do more important things. The money keeps my bills paid, I work my own hours and I work for myself." I would have liked to know what these "more important things" are but again I know he won't tell me.

I am getting ready to ask my next question when he continues staring unfocused into the bed spread. "I mean, I'm twenty-four. Most guys my age are sleeping around anyway; I just get paid for it." I can tell he is getting flustered and defensive. Since this is my last question I am desperate to lighten the mood.

"Do you have any pets?" I ask with a smile. "I have a cat." I want to ask the cat's name but I am out of questions and he knows it. _Butthead_. He is looking relieved.

So I lean over and did something that I wanted to do when he came in the room. I lick him on the shoulder. He tastes fucking amazing. He still smells like coffee and mint and I want to swallow him whole.

He pushs me back onto the bed and returns the gesture by licking my neck.

I lean up so he could remove my shirt and bra, he then bends back on his knees in front of me and removes the rest of my clothing.

When I have nothing on he removes his boxers and bends back over me. Licking, nibbling and kissing everywhere on my body, except the place I want it most…my lips.

He kisses and palms my tits until I can't think straight. His free hand is moving down and inserts two fingers in my wet core. This is not going to take long at all. His fingers are still working me over and he starts kissing down to my stomach, pushing his tongue in my belly button. He moves a little lower… he hesitates and then with a tormented groan he nuzzles his entire face with force into my abdomen, he turns and lays his head on it's side. "You smell so fucking good." His southern accent coming out heavy. _Was that considered dirty talk?_ He is warring with himself but eventually, he moves back up to my breasts teasing them heedlessly. I think he wanted to go down on me. Oh, how I would like that.

I look down at his straining erection that is twitching and reached over and fist it, pumping it up and down while he continues torturing me. He moans into my breast sending a shiver up my spine. He grabs me by the wrist and moves me away, stopping my ministrations. "I'm not letting you get a way with what you did last time." I give him a pout but he just smiles, he turns me around so that I am on my side, facing away from him. _Okkkaayy? _Then I feel him move behind me and spoon me while he reaches his arm over to wrap around my waist and pulls me closer. It feels incredible to be held like this again. For the second time tonight it is feeling way too intimate.

His hand moves to my folds and replaces the two fingers that he had removed earlier. His thumb stroking my clit. He brings his other arm underneath me and focuses that hand on my breasts. He is driving me to the brink when he removes his fingers from inside of me and rubs them across my shoulder. He starts placing hot kisses over it. As his fingers return to massaging my clit he licks my juices off of my shoulder blade.

That is all it fucking took and I let go of a potent climax. When I am done, I can hear him tearing something, then he moves my leg up and behind me to lay, bent on the top of his legs. He positions himself and enters me gently, allowing me to adjust. The awkward position is making me feel real tight. He starts to move slowly, his heavy breathing in my ear repeating my name like a mantra, "Bella, Bella, Bella." I moan, the pressure already starting to build again from him saying my name like that. He starts moving faster, driving in and out until we both cannot take anymore. He screams out and bites into the back of my neck as he drives into me one last time as we both came. Hard.

We lay like that for several moments, catching our breaths. As my bearings start to return and I come back to reality…_he bit me_!

I throw my head back onto his shoulder and bust out laughing. "You bit me!"

He buries his face in the crook of my neck and I can feel that he is smiling and most likely blushing. I could stay like this for the rest of my life.

_Silly, stupid Bella._

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**AN: Thanks again for reading. Please leave a review. They are truly humbling.**


	13. Life On The Moon

**AN: Thanks again for everyone for continuing to read and review. You know your comments mean the world to me. Each chapter it seems like I add a few more readers and that is awesome!!**

**My poll will be on my profile for another couple of chapters so go out there and quickly vote for which "extra" you prefer that Bella pay for.**

**I do not own twilight or any twilight characters.**

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**Life On The Moon – David Cook**

_Life on the moon couldn't be any stranger_

_Life on the moon wouldn't feel so far away_

_The life that I knew, it's through and I'm gonna need you_

_More than ever_

_I'm alone in this crowded room, It's like life on the moon_

**Chapter 13**

_How much slower can this week go?_

I sit at my cluttered desk on Wednesday confounded with conflicting thoughts. First, as always my mind goes to Jazz and the amazing sex that we had the past weekend. Before I left, Jazz had actually given me his cell phone number so we wouldn't have a repeat performance when I went to go pick him up the next time.

I smile mischievously at that.

But then my thoughts of him always began to travel down forbidden paths; the paths where monsters and feral animals waited in the shadows to attack me without a moment's hesitation. The thoughts that led me to believe that I wanted more than just sex from him.

Last weekend was remarkable. Jazz knew how to take care of my needs. But, why wouldn't he? _God, it always goes back to that - w__hat he did for a living._

It is always then that my bubble bursts, thrusting me into the reality of what could never be. I know that our days together are numbered.

The second place my mind travels to is that I am anticipating my date with Jacob on Friday with a mixture of trepidation and…_hope_. I really need this to work for some reason. This will be an opportunity for me to move forward. Jacob is the type of guy that I can see in my future.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I thought of Angela, who I consider to be my friend now, but there is no way that I could confide in her about Jazz.

If it wasn't for her I would never have even met him. Even in the turmoil that I am in, I recognize and decide that I sincerely owe Angela for that.

If anything, Jazz brought me back to life by adding excitement and desire to it. I wouldn't give any of that up for the frustration that I am going through now or the despair I am sure to be in later when I chose to break things off with him. Once I give my body to Jacob or someone like him I will have to be done with Jazz.

^*^

Angela and I decide to go to a little bistro for lunch and I pick up the tab. It is a small, silent thank you that she will never catch on to.

It is there that I spill to her about my date with Jacob and she is ecstatic for me. She shows her excitement by letting out a shrill scream that can be heard across the restaurant.

I bow my head. "Angie, I have not been on a date in so long. I don't remember what to do." And then I add as a thought just occurs to me, "I don't even know if this is a date. Oh for fucksakes, what have I gotten myself into?" My face is buried into the palms of my hands.

Angie stops my rant with a sharp laugh. "Bella, come on, he asked you out…to dinner…that is a date. Even someone with your limited experience should know that, right?" She says consolingly, trying to remove my hands that are still hiding my face. I shake my head grudgingly but remove my hands.

"Sooo, what are you going to wear?" That leads Angela and I to spend the rest of our lunch hour discussing different outfits and debating the merit of sexy under things on a first date. "You never know what is going to happen." She says, and I disagree. "Nothing like that is going to happen, I promise you."

_That would mean…_

I refuse to finish that thought. When Angela and I get back to work we notice that there is a bouquet of red roses on my desk. Mike is standing over them curiously. "What are those for?" I said. Mike jumps at the sound of my voice, like he just got caught with his hands in the cookie jar. "I dunno…they're for you."

Trying to decipher why he is acting so forlorn, I move my way over to the flowers and pluck the card from them, eyeing Mike suspiciously, all the while. The card is in a little envelope so Mike wouldn't have been able to see whom they were from. _Jacob_. The card simply read, "Can't stop thinking about Friday, See you then".

I turn to Mike and Angela and say with forced happiness, "They're from Jake." I don't read exactly what the card had printed on it. Angela has a big shit-eating grin on her face and I just wave her off. "Yeah, yeah, it's a date." She walks out chuckling.

Mike hasn't moved from his spot yet. He just stares at the card still in my hand. "Jake?"

"Yeah, he's my swimming teacher." I state and shift uncomfortably. _Why is he looking at me like that?_ _What am I missing here?_

"I didn't realize that you were dating yet." He is playing with the bottom of his tie.

"Um, well, I am not really...dating. I...I...mean, this is a date. I just…um, well this is...um, my first date." Woooooow. Way to go, stupid ass. I can't even speak a coherent sentence in front of my boss.

He absently hands over to me some journals that have to be reviewed. "Oh, I didn't think you would be ready to date yet." He mutters and then ducks out of the office.

What is up with him? Why did he look so disappointed that I am going on a date? _Oh no_, he probably thought I am dating too soon. Is it ill-mannered that I haven't waited a full year, which is considered a respectable mourning period? And isn't he right? What am I doing?

_No. I am not going to do this_. I am looking forward to tonight and I am not going to let vile Newton ruin it.

^^^^^**********^^^^^

I am nervous as I wait for Jacob to arrive. I will be seeing Jazz tomorrow, since I don't know what time I will be getting home tonight. I wish I could have seen him earlier today; it would have taken the edge off. I roll my neck from shoulder to shoulder trying to ease some of the tension.

I decide to wear a "little black dress" that I had purchased a couple of years ago to attend a wedding of one of Edward and I's college friends. I stand at the kitchen counter petting Patty, who is nuzzling her head into my hand, purring loudly. When the doorbell rings I bend down and kiss her on the head whispering, "Wish me luck."

The sight that greet me is stunning. Jacob cleans up real good. He has a white dress shirt on that emphasizes his biceps and nice fitting black pants, which fit perfectly around his yummy thighs. He is actually very good looking, his hair is thick and glossy and it looks so soft. I wonder what it would feel like between my fingers.

"I have to get my bag. Would you like to come in?" He pokes his head in and says, "No, I can see you have cats and I am pretty allergic. I'll just wait out here."

_Uh oh_. Oh, well, that didn't matter - there is a ton of good allergy medicine out there. I should know, I am allergic to cats as well, but with my handy-dandy prescription you can't even tell. _Positive attitude_.

I grab a wrap and my clutch and I meet him outside. He is standing by his truck. He drives a four door, dark green Chevy Avalanche. He helps me up into the cab and swiftly makes his way to the driver's seat.

As soon as he is settled in I says, "Thanks for the flowers, it was a very pleasant surprise." He gives me a beautiful white smile that matchs his shirt and makes him appear even darker than he already is. He puts his hand on the top of mine. "I meant what I said on the card. I haven't stopped thinking about taking you out all week." I blush and notice that he doesn't remove his hand from mine for the entire ride.

When arrive at the restaurant he holds my hands as I lower myself from his truck. He releases one and held the other to lead me in.

It is a Japanese sushi restaurant. Shit, I hate seafood _cooked_. Ugh. The thought of it being uncooked made me vomit a little in my mouth.

I hope there's a steak on the menu.

Once we are seated, I open the menu instantly. I think that before we order drinks I should make sure there is something edible that I can eat. I am hungry so I know a salad alone isn't going to cut it.

Yep, they have a NY Strip. _Sweet_.

After we order we make small talk, talking about my job, swimming, people in our class, college and sports. I am surprisingly very comfortable around him. I like to watch him talk, his face lights up when he speaks about his dog, Sparky, a four-year-old German Shepherd.

It is easy for him to smile and joke. There is no animosity, tension…

I can barely hear it but they were playing Kanye West's "Heartless" by the bar and I start mouthing the words, because that's just what I do. "Do you know this song?" Jake says, forehead crunched. "Yeah, Why? Don't you?" _Didn't everyone know this song?_ "Naw, I don't listen to music too much."

"Did you just say…" I trail off, completely at a loss for words.

_Oh...,oh…ok?? No, this is..this is ok. Yeah. Sure. Focus...focus dammit. He's saying something_.

"I have been waiting to ask you out since the second class." he says shyly. _Shake it off, you can think about this later_. I had to physically shake my head. "Really? What took you so long?" I wonder.

"You never seemed available before and even though I still wasn't sure I decided when you came to talk to me after class that it was the perfect time to try." He is too cute!

"You decided to take a chance, huh?" I tease.

"Well, I knew you wouldn't say no." he smirks. How did he get that idea? Did he catch me checking him out?

"What makes you think that I wouldn't have politely declined?"

"Well, look at me." He waves his hands over his torso, "I am quite a catch, y'know." He smiles and winks. I know he was teasing but I can't help but lean into him and say, "Well, Mr. Conceited, you're not really my type, I like my guys a little bit more in shape, and well, you're just a little too skinny for me." He throws back his head and laughs.

He knows damned well that he has a body most guys would kill for.

"Well, it looks like we might have to go out to eat more often so you can make sure I can gain enough weight to please you?" At this point we are both leaning into each other, both of heads resting on our hands, smiling widely.

"Does that mean you want to go out with me again?" I ask with mock surprise.

"Does that surprise you?" he retorts.

"Well, no, of course not…look at me." I lean back and allow my hands to wave in front of my upper half, then I lean in closer and whisper seductively, "I am quite a catch." We stare at each other for a moment and then our food arrives, so we dig in. I try not to breathe through my nose because that shit he is eating stunk. Other than the foul smell the conversation is light, flirty and thoroughly enjoyable.

When he pulls up to my house he asks me out again next Friday and I accept. I know better than to offer to have him come in, at least not until he got on some good allergy meds.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow in class?" He is tracing lazy circles on the palm of my hand with one of his fingers.

"Sure, unless you're plan on laughing at me again." I give him a fake scowl. He smiles and says, "Believe me; I won't make that mistake again."

It was time to say goodbye and I am anxious to get into a warm bath. He leans in and it looks like he is going to kiss me. He is still tracing patterns on my hand then I notice his hand stills and he stops leaning forward. I am confused as I watch him look down quickly and then he looks up, smiles briefly, and brushs his lips along my cheek. It seems like he got the impression that I wasn't interested. I am not sure how he could have come up with that conclusion since I was more than up for joining him in a good lip-lock.

When I get into the house, I immediately go to the bathtub and start filling it with hot water. I return to it after I feed the cats and shed my "going out" clothes. I sunk in letting the heated water work over my achy muscles.

All in all, the night was a success. Jake isn't perfect, but who is? I am not going to let a few bothersome things get in the way of a potential relationship. Something was off there in the end, though. I keep going over those last moments in his truck. What happened there? It is when I go to grab the soap that I realize what it was. It is my ring.

_I am still wearing my wedding ring._

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**AN: So what did you think of the date? Should they go out again? Most of all - are you ready for some drama?**


	14. Stranger

**AN: Ok guys, big news. I am doing a one-shot for "The Love of Jasper" contest. It will be based on this story. It will consist of Jasper's POV of the first time that Jasper sees Bella (chapter 4).**

**I will be posting it sometime tomorrow or Saturday, so keep a watch out for it or put me on Author Alert.**

**Please check it out and let me know if you think it is good enough to enter into the contest. The one-shot will be called "Finding A Girl".**

**If anything, it will give you a sneak peek of what "Finding Forgiveness" will be like if it is decided that I should re-write "Finding Relief" in Jasper's POV. Please note that if this is the case, this one-shot will be condensed in "Finding Forgiveness" and not as detailed.**

**You'll see why.**

**Thanks again for reading and reviewing. As always your opinion means a lot. Thanks to Maj (missmaj) for convincing me to do the one-shot. Thanks to my editor/sister, Jill (CoreysGal) for proofreading my chapters. I know it's a lot of work.**

**This is one of my favorite chapters so far – so enjoy**

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**Stranger – Secondhand Serenade**

_You call me a stranger, you say I'm a danger_

_But all these thoughts are leaving you tonight_

_I'm broken, abandoned, you are an angel_

_Making all my dreams come true tonight_

**Chapter 14**

It has been three weeks since my first date with Jake. Since then I have been seeing him once a week. We've been to dinner, the movies, a concert at DTE, we even went out dancing one night, even though Jacob doesn't like it. He let me practice some of the "Tango" moves that I learned during my dance classes.

I still haven't taken off my wedding ring and I know that it is hindering our progress in the physical department but I don't feel ready to take it off yet. He knows that I had been married before. I told him briefly about Edward but I think he is genuinely surprised that I failed to remove it for our date. It is apparent that Jacob is planning on keeping our relationship at a "friend" status, until it is gone.

This weekend, Jacob has a swim meet out of town and won't be back until late Sunday. Thankfully, all my classes are ending. I may continue my yoga class but I am definitely not going back to swimming. Once the girls found out that Jacob and I were dating I was considered an outcast. I was a pariah. The girls barely suppressed their contempt, but thankfully just chose to act it out by ignoring me.

I saw Jazz once a week also. I didn't have to pick him up anymore. All I had to do was call him and then I would go straight to his place where he was waiting for me. I wonder if he gave anyone else the VIP treatment or if it was just me. Weak Bella chose to believe that it was just her that received this special privilege and Realistic Bella, well…knew the truth.

Seeing Jazz is bittersweet. I am learning more and more about him each time I saw him. It isn't that he started divulging any more information, it is more than that, I am starting to see how he works. I am starting to notice all of his quirks. I could tell what kind of mood he was in by his facial expressions and hand gestures. Hell, I could tell you what kind of mood he was in by the color of his eyes. When his eyes were a topaz blue he was happy and his mood was light, when his eyes turned midnight blue he was angry or highly turned on.

Last week when I arrived he was acting like a little kid when I came in.

^*^

_I look at him strangely. "What is up with you?" He smiles. "I have something for you." My eyes go wide. _He bought me something_?_

_I follow him into his room. He goes to his dresser to retrieve something and then swivels around and thrusts it at me. I giggle at his impishness. _

_It looks like a laminated card of some sorts, when I turn it around I gasp. It's the "menu" of his services that I had requested only the second time we had been together. _

_It isn't that he remembered that I had asked for it, or that he paid the cost to print and laminate it on nice paper, but what stood out the most is the time it must have taken him to put this together. _For me_. It has my name on it and I know it is more of a memento than anything else. I think it is more of a joke, because some of the prices are outrageous. _

_My eyes begin to tear up at the thought of how much he had put into it. To prevent him from seeing my emotional breakdown, I attack him. He laughs as we both fall on the bed._

^*^

I absolutely adore being with Jazz but I am always depressed or frustrated when I leave. I try to act like it doesn't bother me but it is eating at me. However, it is not enough to make me stop seeing him. I can't even consider it. The time is not upon us yet.

It is Sunday night and I am getting ready for work the next day and checking my emails. I get one from my dad, which brought to mind the tormented week I am about to have.

This week used to be one of special occasions, and celebrations. This week is not only a combination of Edward and I's birthdays but we had also decided it would be cool to get married in between these days, so our anniversary was right there in the middle. Edward and I normally took that week off and went on a vacation, but there was no way in hell I am going to take that week off this year. So, tomorrow is Edward's birthday, our anniversary is on Thursday and my Birthday is on Sunday, which meant that the office birthday party I am going to be subjected to would be not be until next Monday. This was good because apparently I am going to have enough to deal with this week without singing co-workers.

^^^^************^^^^

The week has flown by so quickly due to my heavy workload and tight schedule. Employee reviews are due at work and I somehow had to fit in the time to process seven reviews and still maintain my other duties.

When I arrive at work on Monday I have another email message from Alice. I think about opening it, just in case she is informing me of when they are going to see Edward, but since I don't plan on going that night anyway I promptly delete it. _Sigh_.

I know that part of what this week will mean is that I will have to deal with run-in's with Edwards family. To avoid that at all costs, I didn't visit him the night of his birthday, since I expected most of his family to be there throughout the day. I decided to go today, our anniversary. This was _our_ day, so I would think that they would stay away, out of courtesy.

So after work, I head down to see Edward. I frown as I detect the fresh flowers leaning against the headstone. I tamp down the usual feelings that bait me when I think of Edward's family.

I have my coin in my pocket; I pull it out and start rubbing it as I normally do. I sit down cross-legged on top of the plot, which is my habit, and think about my Edward. The memories I choose to bring forth today are ones of joy and laughter, not the consistently sad and almost terrifying ones that I typically entertain. I have been doing this more and more lately as it is getting easier to think of Edward in better times.

I don't feel the excruciating pain that appeared when any images of Edward arose, instead just a dull ache; one that I don't think will ever completely disappear, but I am okay with that.

I know, know, know in my heart that Edward would want me to move on, to be happy eventually, and I am trying. I am finally starting to try. Edward would have liked that I have taken on some classes and I think he would be happy that I am seeing someone. I think he would have approved of Jacob, very much.

My life isn't perfect yet; I am still making some mistakes. I have to stop seeing Jazz. It is as simple, and as hard, as that. It has been weighing heavily on my mind lately because I know the clock is running out and I will have to make a clean break. The idea of that makes my heart clench painfully, I know the signs…I am starting to fall for him. I know Edward would be disappointed in me. What started out with Jazz as plain survival is turning into something akin to deep caring.

_Oh Edward. How I miss you._

Edward always did give the best advice. He would be able to help me get out of this mess. The problem is that I don't _want_ to get out of this mess. I am at an impasse - one that I am sure that I will struggle with for some time.

I hear some rustling and I turn around to see Esme approaching with caution.

_Seriously? You have got to be fucking kidding me._

I stand up ready to do battle. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Obviously my respect for her had completely diminished at this point.

She held out her hands to fend me off. "Bella, please…I just want to talk to you. Please let me explain what happened. This has tormented all of us for too long. Please?" She is begging and there are tears shimmering in her eyes.

My eyes are completely dry. I feel nothing.

"I am glad that it is tormenting you. What you and your family did was unjustifiable. There is nothing you could say or do to make me forgive you." I stalk up to her then and sneer. "You coming here today, Edward and I's day, just proves to me how little prudence you have."

"Of all days, did you think that today would be the day that I would choose to listen to you? Boy, Esme, I never realized how stupid you are." I shake my head in disgust and with that parting shot headed off to my car.

I know it was harsh and I had honestly never spoken to another elder in that fashion. I am remorseful, but I am not sorry for saying it, just that I was put into a situation where I was forced to say it.

I had meant every word.

^^^^************^^^^

Friday is finally here and I have already phoned Jazz letting him know I am on my way. Holy shit, I really need him today. I had all this pent up frustration that had to be released soon or I am going to go off the deep end. I am looking for my relief, and my angel is waiting to give it to me. It feels like forever since I have seen him last and I am looking too damn forward to this. My panties are already getting moist.

When I get there he lets me in, and he looks amazing as usual. He is wearing red plaid pajama bottoms that are slung low on his hips and a plain white t-shirt. He smiles and says without crass. "You look like hell."

I look at him tiredly and then swing around and discard my purse onto his kitchen counter. "Thanks, asshole." He smiles and hugs me from behind, his nose and mouth on my shoulder rubbing back and forth. My senses are already going into overdrive. _How does he do that to me so fast?_

I reach in my back pocket and put the two hundred dollars on the counter. Once I did that he quickly releases me and heads back toward his room, his face unreadable.

I don't follow him and tell him I have to use the restroom first. When I get in there I look at myself in the mirror. Holy hell, I do look like shit. I wash my face and hands, and with a shrug I go to his room.

The lights are dim and he is sitting on the bed, his back against the headboard, his long legs stretched out. All I can think about is what it would be like to come home to this every night. It saddens me that I have to quickly rid myself of these thoughts. I want to dwell on them but I knew it will only make things worse for me in the end.

He looks petulant. _Well, what's up his ass? All I did was pay him. _Sometimes he can be so moody, but I have an inner smile because, for some reason, I always know how to pull him from his inner struggle, whatever it happens to be.

I go over to his dresser, open the top left drawer and pull a condom out of the box. I have gotten pretty comfortable with this room in the last few weeks. He is watching me so I saunter over to him with an exaggerated swagger.

His lips start to turn up and I can tell he is trying really hard not to let the smile come forth but I know I can make it come out. I come up beside the bed, throw the condom on the bed and bring my hand up to stroke a lock of hair that is laying on his forehead.

"Now Jazzy baby, are you ready to play?" His lips quirk, he is still holding back. "Yes, ma'am." His accent is thick, so I know he is getting turned on. I take the hem of my shirt and slowly bring it over my head. By the time I get it over my head his eyes have already turned two shades darker. I remove my shirt and grabbing an end with each hand I bring it around his neck and straddle him. I sit down on his rock hard cock. "Oh, you are all ready to play." I say seductively. He finally smiles but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

He puts his hands on my waist and gives a small squeeze. If I wasn't so attuned to his hands being on me I may have not even felt it. Without thinking, I pull him closer by my shirt that hung around his neck and our lips touch accidentally. I wouldn't necessarily say that it is a kiss, just a mere bumping of his lips against mine, but I screwed up. To cover, I quickly toss the garment on the floor and start placing butterfly kisses along his whole face.

When I look back down at him he is looking straight into my eyes. His eyes are so hot I feel a wave of heat run through me. I start rubbing my panty clad pussy over his erection and let out a small moan. He returns the moan and his hands come up to wrap around the back of my neck, under my hair. His thumbs are brushing along my cheekbones as I continue rocking back and forth against him. My motions are getting erratic so I move myself off of him with him following me, placing himself over me. He assaults my neck, nibbling, kissing, licking, then moving down and kissing my breasts through my bra, trying to suck my nipples through the lacey material.

He is fantastic. Who is ever going to match this, let alone top it? _That is a bleak thought._

His hands are moving to my back so I hoist myself up so he can get to the clasp of my bra. He makes quick work at discarding it and then slides down to take care of my panties. The expression in his eyes when he looks down at me is full of passion and I know my own mirrored his.

_God, I want him_.

Dammit. I have tried so much to keep these thoughts from surfacing, but because of my vulnerable position and the object of my desire standing in front of me in all of his naked glory, the thoughts cannot be contained any longer.

_I want to be with him_.

I pinch my eyes shut, trying to get the thoughts out of my head. He lets out a growl, I hear him put on the condom and then felt him move over me, entering two fingers into my hot, wet folds. He leans over me. "Look at me." He says quietly but urgently, his breath hitting my face.

_No._

"Bellaaa." He drags out my name, clearly frustrated. He takes his fingers out of me and quickly replaces it with his dick. I grip at his shoulders as he penetrates me, smashing his pelvis against mine over and over. The friction feels wonderful. He moves with long sure strokes that is driving me crazy. I am tightening, my orgasm rapidly approaching. I can feel him raising himself onto his arms over me as he continues his slow torturous movements. "Look at me, Bella." His southern accent comes out in full force, and having the impact that I have come to know and expect. My head pushs back in the pillows and my back archs off the bed.

"Why can't you look at me? Is it because you are thinking of Edward right now?" He hisses.

_Ohhh, No…OH, NO he didn't! _

My eyes snap open and my right hand came up and my palm cracks against his cheek making his head turn to the side. I raise my hand to do it again but he takes hold of it and traps it down on the bed. I swing my other hand and he snatchs it before I have time to give him a matching one. He holds me pinned to the bed.

_I had slapped him_. I had slapped him while he was buried deep inside of me. It is the most erotic fucking thing I have ever done in my whole fucking life. My hands are pinned to my sides, both of us breathing heavy, our chests heaving spasmodically. How can I love and hate him so much at the same time?

He looks furious, his eyes are on fire, he lets out a hiss of rage and defeat, then his lips come crashing down onto mine.

My lips part in shock, his tongue fills my mouth instantly. Holy fuck, I have never tasted anything so sweet in my life. His lips over mine, his tongue probing endlessly, he starts to move inside me again. He lets go of my wrists and they immediately fist in his hair brutally and his hands did likewise, scratching at each other's scalps. Finally, with a need to breathe he removes his tongue and places open, hot kisses all over my mouth before delving back in for another go.

It is a primitive mating. The chafing on my clit, his throbbing cock pounding in and out of me, the hot, wet kiss, are all consuming me to the point of nirvana.

I surrender to my climax, exploding, I cry out. He moves his lips down my neck and let out a guttural sound as he shudders above me. We lay like that for some time. Trying to figure out what to do next.

After a long moment he breaks the silence. "I'm sorry." He whispers into my neck and then he quickly rolls off me and leaves the room. I put my hand to my lips remembering that kiss. It stung slightly from the abrasions left from his stubble. My fantasies didn't even come close to the perfection of that kiss.

"Fuck." I spat. I don't want him to think I am still mad. As soon as I had slapped him I was done being angry. Well, _almost_ right after. Hastily, I put my clothes back on and venture out to look for Jazz. He is outside on the small balcony. The patio door is still open so I make my way through it and wrap my arms around him from behind as he had done to me earlier. Of course, I can't rest my head on his shoulder as he had so I just lay my head on his back. When I make contact with him he jumps. Apparently, he assumed I would be making a fast getaway.

"Jazz, I'm not mad. I was at the time, but it's over and it's forgotten." I try to turn him around but he doesn't budge. "Please, look at me."

He turns around, but his eyes are looking somewhere above my head.

"Bella, I think you should stop coming to see me." His voice holds no emotion and he looks at me with a blank face, but his eyes betray his nonchalance, they are an inferno of midnight blue.

_What?_

Is this the opportunity that I need to make my clean break? Maybe this is the time to move on.

_NO! Not yet_. My mind screams.

"Why?" I say confused. I mean, I know why _I_ need to break it off, but I don't know why he is suggesting it. "Is it because of the kiss? It won't happen again, I promise."

He snorts and turns facing away from me. "It's not like you had too much of a choice." He mutters, putting both of his hands through his hair.

I am getting upset. I move around him so he can look at me. "It's not that time yet. I'll let you know when I am ready to be done." I raise myself onto my tippy-toes, give him a peck on the cheek and walk out before he can respond.

I am done discussing this subject.

When I pull into my driveway I lay my head on the steering wheel. That was a golden opportunity to cut things off and I couldn't do it. I knew exactly what the problem was.

_I was falling for him_. It was going to kill me, but this _would_ end soon.

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**AN: Oh, Hell yeah. Bella got a kiss. Well, what did you think? A few different things going on in this chapter. Please review…it DOES matter.**


	15. Burning Bright

**AN: So a couple of things: "Finding A Girl" is out now. If you haven't already checked it out, please do so. This one-shot is an insight of how Jazz felt the day he met Bella. Don't forget to let me know what you think.**

**Unfortunately, I will not be entering this one-shot into the "For the Love of Jasper" contest because after the contest administrators read it they requested that I expand on Jazz's issues, like "the incident". I didn't feel like I could do this without compromising the suspense of "Finding Relief", as well as the possible future of "Finding Forgiveness". So I gracefully bowed out. But It wasn't all for naught, you now have an idea of what "Finding Forgiveness" will be like, if it is written.**

**I respect their opinions and have no hard feelings. I hope that each and every one of you go out and vote for your favorites, there are already some good ones out there. Voting begins October 5, 2009.**

**Also, the poll will be on my profile page until Saturday. If you haven't picked the favorite "extra" that you would like to see in a future chapter, now is the time. Take a second and vote.**

**Last but not least I want to recognize a fucking awesome thing that someone did for me this weekend. Mistyhaze420 pimped me out on her fic, "An Imperfect Love" which resulted in a substantial increase in activity on my story yesterday. If you have not read her fic, you are missing out. This is definitely not your typical Jasper/Bella, Vampire/Human story. It is crazy fun and very well written. She is an original, for damn sure. **

**And you're right Misty, we do have to stick together.**

**This is a blast and I am glad you are all enjoying the story. Sorry so long… (I promised if I ever wrote a fic I wouldn't have these long ass authors' notes. I promise to stop after this.)**

**I do not own twilight or any of the characters.**

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**Burning Bright – Shinedown**

_I feel like there is no need for conversation  
Some questions are better left without a reason  
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation  
Now and then I consider, my hesitation  
The more the light shines through me  
I pretend to close my eyes  
The more the dark consumes me  
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright_

**Chapter 15**

"…Happy Birthday to you…" They finally finish singing. _Oh God_.

I plaster a big, fake smile on my face for the sake of my co-workers and blow out the twenty-five candles on my birthday cake. As employees retrieve a piece and return to their cubicles, they nod their heads and wish me a happy birthday. Angela comes up and gives me a hug.

She smiles but she has a touch of sympathy in her eyes. I don't know if it was because I was just subjected to possibly the worst rendition of "Happy Birthday", me being the center of attention, or that she knew this year I really had nothing to celebrate. If I had to guess I would say it is the latter.

She takes one of the pieces of cake that I had pre-cut, cuts it in half and then takes off. That left me and Mike. Things have been really strange around Mike and me, since he found out that I was seeing Jacob. He never brought it up again but I could tell that it still bothered him.

I am not going to bring it up because I really didn't know what to say that would make him feel better. Mike had not lost someone like I had, he had not lived the year that I had. For my sanity I had to try to move on and try to create some semblance of a life. If Mike had an issue with me not waiting until a more proper amount of time had passed to start dating, well then, tough shit.

"Bella." He starts. He seems so uncomfortable, a trail of red creeping up past the collar of his white dress shirt. Seeing him in this situation would have been really funny if I didn't know what it is that is causing him to be this way.

_Well, it looks like _he _is ready to have this talk_.

"What's up, Mike?" I say, not looking at him. Hopefully, he would get the hint that I was not in the mood to talk.

He sits down in one of the chairs at the front of my desk and grabs the paperweight that I had received as a Christmas present from an employee last year. He tosses it from one hand to the other repeatedly. Ever since Mike quit smoking a couple of months ago, he had to constantly do something with his hands.

I am pretending to scan through my e-mails, ignoring him thoroughly.

"Bella, about, um, well, I just wanted to say that I am happy that you are dating again." I sit back in my seat and look at him, shock apparent by my wide eyes.

_Well, I wasn't expecting that!_

"Actually, um, ah God." My eyes can't get any bigger as comprehension begins to dawn. _How can I stop this from happening? _

"I was hoping that maybe we could go out sometime." His face went completely red and then goes ghostly white in a matter of seconds.

_Kill me now._

"I mean, it's not serious between you guys, is it?" He asks.

"Mike, wow, um…no, it's not serious, but ah…you and me…" I say, waving a finger from him to me and then back again, "Probably not a good idea...I mean you're my boss. It would be uncomfortable if things…y'know…didn't work out."

Mike shakes his head as if he understands. He is rising from the chair and he is beet red with obvious embarrassment. I can't let him leave like this, so I quickly weigh the possibility of him turning in his resignation, and being satisfied that I was at least ninety percent sure that he wouldn't, I threw him a bone. "Hey Mike, if you weren't my boss I would have definitely taken you up on that." I wink at him.

That seems to placate him as he leaves with a huge grin on his face.

_Peace restored._

Boy, what a day this is turning out to be. I check my e-mails and am surprised that I don't have one from Alice from yesterday or today. Did she forget it was my birthday? My God, am I upset Alice hasn't sent me an e-mail?

There was an e-mail from Charlie. I am meeting him tonight to celebrate my birthday at The Post, a sports bar that has plenty of flat screens so he wouldn't miss any of the Tigers/Indian baseball game. I am okay with that, it means less conversation.

As I am leaving, I duck into Mike's office. His head is buried in his laptop. "Hey, Mike?" He looks up at me and I say, "We're cool, right?"

"Of course. I really do understand - I just couldn't help myself." His smile seems genuine, so I believe him.

^^^^^***********^^^^^

It was the bottom of the fifth inning with no score when we took our seats. For some reason Charlie seems out of sorts. He isn't paying any attention to the game and he keeps on playing with the sugar packets on the table.

I decide that if he wants to talk about it he will bring it up. It isn't worth the effort to try to coax things out of Charlie; the more you tried the more he would close up. That must be where I get it from; we are both stubborn like that.

He orders the chicken wings and I order a big juicy bar burger and fries. I had almost caught back up to the weight that I had been before the accident. Although now, I was more toned due to all my extra curricular activities.

Charlie must notice too, "You're looking good Bells…you look healthy again." I blush. "Thanks Dad, I've been working on it." As if on cue, my burger arrives and I lick my lips in anticipation.

We eat mostly in silence until I hear clapping coming from the kitchen. I turn around in my seat and notice five people come out with a little cake and a sparkler poking into the middle of it. I turn back to Charlie and give him a venomous look. I wait until they are done singing and everyone around us turns back to their own meal before I grab the sparkler from the cake and snuff it out in Charlie's ice water.

He should have been mad since he was drinking that water but he thinks it is funny. Yeah, my dad and me are a lot alike. It makes me wish I could talk to him about other things…

^*^

Almost as soon as I get home from dinner there is a knock at my door. It is already after nine-o'clock. When I answer I am surprised to see Charlie at the door. I give him a puzzled look and move aside so he can come in.

"Is everything okay dad?" He is staring at the ground. "Dad?"

"Bella, we need to talk." With a look of determination he says, "We need to talk about that night."

_What???_

"Bella, this has gone on too long. All of us thought you would have gotten over it by now." The last part he says almost to himself.

"_All_ of you?" So my dad had been fraternizing with the enemy.

"Bella, I was there…at the hospital." He says. I almost fell down. _Wait._ _This was not happening_.

"What? Why?" My mind would not form a coherent thought.

"You should sit down." He starts to move me toward the living room but I yank my arm away, "No. What do you mean…_you were there_?" I glare at him waiting for him to speak while his mouth keeps opening and shutting. I supposed he was trying to find the right words.

"Bella, I had heard it over my radio in the cruiser…y'know, about the accident…when I heard them say where the accident was, what kind of car and that it was a male, I went straight to the hospital." He stopped to take a shaky breath and then he starts again. "Bella, when I got there Edward had just arrived. He was barely hanging onto life. Carlisle had just gotten to him too and was taking him away on a gurney into surgery. I followed them until they wouldn't let me. I told him I would call you and…and…" He was so choked up he could hardly speak.

I feel like I am going to pass out, throw up or both.

"Bella, Edward heard me…and I am not going to go into details but…but he spoke," Charlie swallowed hard. "He told us not to call you, yet. He...he…" Tears are now streaming down Charlie's face, I have never seen Charlie cry and the impact on me was staggering. My chest felt like it was going to cave from the crushing pain he was unknowingly inflicting on me. "He didn't want you to see him like that. Bella, he was so banged up and in so…so much pain, the noises he was making…" He dug his palms into his eye sockets as if he was hearing him all over again.

"I...I have never seen anything so horrific. Edward didn't want you to see him like that. Don't you see Bella? There…there were parts of him that weren't intact. I would never have wanted you to see that. It was the worst day of my life. I don't want you to have the memories that I have, I don't want you to see what I see, what I haven't forgotten, what I will never forget. I was protecting you…Edward was protecting you."

"He never came out of the operating room." He finished.

I was paralyzed. There aren't any tears yet, but I know they would be coming. I awaken from my trance, "Why weren't you there when I arrived?"

"I left about five minutes before you got there. Carlisle and I were going over our options and he suggested that I leave since they planned on telling you everything that night and he wasn't sure how you would take it. When you fainted at the hospital they decided it would be a good thing to wait. Then you saw the death certificate and..." He took a shaky breath.

"Once they saw how you reacted they told me not to tell you that I had been there because you needed me…Bella. And they were right. You wouldn't have survived those first couple of weeks had you been mad at me. I would do it again if I had to. I would never have wanted you to ever remember Edward that way."

He wipes his tear soaked face with the sleeve of his pullover and waits for me to speak.

"I think you should leave now." I say quietly.

"Please Bella." He begs.

"Dad, I just need some time to sort this out. Please do not call me until I call you." I think I had said the same thing to Alice. I shiver at the thought.

He opens the front door and turns back. "I love you, Bells. We all love you." And with that he shuts the door.

I start pacing around the room. My breathing is erratic. I sit on the sofa but jump back up, as if it burns me. I can't sit still. I need to get out of here! I grab my keys and hop in the car. I just drive, not knowing where to go.

I want to be distracted…by someone who I know will make me feel better. For one of the first times in my life I feel like I need someone. I pull out my cell phone to call him, to see if he would be there.

It takes two rings before he answers. "Hello?"

"Hi. Jake?"

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**AN: So, what happened the night of the accident was finally revealed, not resolved but revealed. I am dying to know so please, please tell me what you thought of that. Also, I am not into torture…usually, so instead of just sending the song/title for the next chapter when you review, I will also send you the first paragraph of the next chapter. This might help you understand the final decision that Bella made at the end of this chapter. Thanks again everyone.**


	16. Permission

**AN: I know I said I wasn't going to do a long authors note so I will keep this short. I just want to address the reviews that I received on my last chapter. I want to thank you very much. There was such a variety of strong opinions on the subject of what happened the night of the accident that it really gave me pause. This was going to be a really short chapter but you guys inspired me to dig a little deeper and make it better. Thanks again.**

**If you guys are interested in a little slashy fun:**

**My buddy, missmaj's one-shot "For the Love of Jasper" contest is out there. It is called "What Happens In Vegas" It is a Jas/Pet story. Please go check it out. It is HOT!**

**Also, I am coming out with another one-shot "For the Love of Jasper" contest that will not be related to this story because it is an Ed/Jas fic. It will be called "Burnt Marshmallow's" and should be out this weekend…hopefully. Look for it!**

**Thanks to JaspersBella for featuring me on her blog this week, as well as adding me to her communities. I strongly urge you to go to her profile and log onto her blog. The Jasper images are awesome and the content is fantastic. Sign up for the communities to get great Jas/Bel stories.**

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**Permission – Sixx: AM**

_Well how long have I  
Been sitting here, I must have drifted off  
I cannot finish any of my thoughts  
Forgive me for my wayward shot_

All of my devils are free at last  
And all my secrets revealed  
And your permission is all I  
Need to heal

**Chapter 16**

I pull up to Jacob's apartment, turn the ignition off and just sit there for a moment, trying unsuccessfully to gather myself. I know I must look like shit right now but I don't care.

Calling Jacob wasn't my first instinct, but I didn't feel like fucking…and talking wasn't on Jazz's "menu". Just to make sure, I lean into the backseat and grasp the laminated card. _Nope…no talking_. I hang my head and squeeze my eyes shut. _Fuck_. I sigh and get out.

Jacob had the door opened before I exit the elevator and is peering down the hallway. He is a sight for sore eyes. He has on grey jogging pants and a plain white T-shirt. His feet are bare and he has his arms extended, urging me to be pulled into his massive chest. I stumble into them and register how warm and cuddly he is right away.

The warmth and comfort of his embrace instantly opened the floodgates to the tears I have been holding back. He drags me into his apartment and leads me over to his sofa where he keeps his arms wrapped around me while I blubber uncontrollably. When I called Jacob from the car while I was on my way, I told him that I had a falling out with Charlie regarding Edward, and that was it.

His head is bent to my ear and he is whispering soothing words like, "It will be alright", and "Shh, honey. It's ok". I continue to weep into his shirt, which is now tear soaked.

"Bella, come on honey. You're going to make yourself sick, carrying on like that" he says as he pats my back gently. I know he is trying to lighten the mood and I appreciate it. I let out a hiccup and a little laugh. The sobs subside temporarily as I just rest there in his arms.

He begins stroking my cheek, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Can we wait? I am just really comfortable right now." I respond, burrowing myself further into his chest.

"Sure. Hey, Bella?" He lifts my chin so I am looking directly into his dark eyes and says huskily, "You know I am always going to be here for you…right?" I bob my head up and down, mesmerized by the look in his eyes and the tenor of his voice. He leans down and kisses me on the nose, then pushes my head back on his chest.

We sit there for about twenty minutes or so, in dead silence. He seems okay with it, but it is odd for me since I usually have some type of music on. Really, the only time I go without noise via music, TV, Wii, et cetera, is when I am sleeping. So naturally, my eyes start to drift shut. Realizing that it is just a matter of moments before I start drooling all over poor Jacob, I figure it's a good time to relay the day's events.

I sit up, "So are you ready to hear about my bad day?"

He turns on the sofa so that he is facing me and nods his head in the affirmative. He listens intently while I start at the beginning of the day with my horrid office birthday party, and then continue with a blow by blow of Mike's advances, my birthday dinner with Charlie, sparkler and all, and then finally, the conversation we had after I arrived home.

It is surprisingly easy to talk to Jacob, and by the time I finish I feel like a huge weight is lifted from my shoulders.

"Wow." Is all Jacob says at first. "Bella, that is…WOW." He pulls me into a bear hug. After a while he releases me with a laugh and looks at me, shaking his head from side to side. I stare at him in confusion. _What's so funny?_

"A _bad_ day? How much worse could that have fucking been?" He says. I have to smile.

_It was a pretty fucked up day._

He sobers up, and grabs onto my shoulders and holds me at arms length while he gazes into my eyes. "Bella, I don't mean to take sides, but can you blame your dad for that? My God, if I had been in his shoes, or Edward's…" He trails off, shaking his head again. "Bella, I wouldn't want you to ever see me like that. If I knew I was dying, I wouldn't want you to remember me like that." As he says this he shakes me gently, to get his point across, I assume. Apparently, Jacob feels pretty strongly on his view.

He stops and takes my face in both of his hands. His face is serious and intense. "Bella, you have to forgive them. Right or wrong, they thought they were doing what was best for you. They are your family and that fact doesn't change when they make mistakes…even big ones." He says hoarsely.

He enveloped me in his arms once again. "You didn't have to be there to watch him die to tell him that you loved him. He knew it." He says this with complete conviction in his voice. "He knew you lived for him, he knew he was your life, just as you were his." He pulls away to look down into my tear streaked face and says, "Take the time that you need, but keep one thing in mind, honey…something you should already know; life is short and can be taken at a moment's notice."

^*^

When I arrive home, I put on some pj's and decide to watch some of the TV programs that I have recorded on my DVR. As I sift through the list I notice that I have over a hundred shows that I have yet to watch. Feeling completely overwhelmed in having to make a decision from such a vast amount of choices, I click the off button. Maybe I will just try silence, like at Jacob's house.

After about five minutes I get antsy, so I turn on my stereo and put in a Garth Brooks CD. I sit in Edward's recliner, and start to look through the latest People magazine, flipping through quickly because I don't see anything of interest_. How many articles can someone read on Brangelina, for crying out loud?_ Disgusted, I throw the magazine on the floor next to me.

_I can't avoid it_. It is going to happen sooner or later. Why not now…while I am alone, in the privacy of my home? Instead of ignoring it until it festers, infecting me until I blow my mind at the most inopportune time. Maybe it'll happen when I am at work, while I am in an important meeting or maybe I will be in a crowded restaurant placing my order, when my emotions decide to ambush me.

My mind goes back to the scene that played out earlier in this very room. My dad crying…

My eyes squeeze shut at that memory. _Ugh, I don't think I can do this_.

I steel myself because I have to. This can't be put off, because "it" refused to be put off. It's not like I have to make any life altering decisions tonight, I just need to hash it out a little…wrap my brain around this new development.

Okay…I had pretty much given up the idea of ever knowing what really happened that night. Then finding out the reason, and it being something I never could have imagined, was shattering.

_Edward didn't want to see me. No, that is not the way to put it. He didn't want me to see him. Big difference._

Even if it may have been wrong, could I blame him for it? Could I blame them? I know that he had only mere seconds to think it through and utter that statement and the family had only minutes to process what he said and to act on it. Of course, their first instinct would be to listen to him, _right_? And in the time it would take to process any reason or guilt to go against his wishes, it would have most likely been too late.

Not only did Carlisle and Charlie have to live with his death, watching their son and son-in-law die in such a gruesome way, they had to live with the pain that I consciously and unconsciously inflicted on them, daily. Carlisle, the pain I caused with my outright animosity toward him and his family and Charlie, the pain of watching his daughter not able to move on.

_And Esme_. Oh, I don't even want to think of the things I have said to her while she was mourning her own son's death.

All of them knew my aversion to blood but was that any reason to make the decision for me? "What a goddamn joke - there wasn't any _decision_ to be made." I say out loud, bitterly. What loving, devoted wife would say that they didn't want to be with their husband for the last moments of his life? What kind of fucking woman would do that?

I imagine what it would have been like…to be with him. I don't know what Charlie meant by "he wasn't intact" but my body starts to recoil and my stomach churns at the thought. Would those visuals have been something that I would have carried with me for the rest of my life? Would those images haunt me day and night, overriding all of my other memories? _Oh god, the answer was yes_.

_Yes, yes, yes_.

I start to sob again. _There is just no fucking winner here._

Nobody is right and nobody is wrong, or everybody is right and everybody is wrong. I am at an impasse.

I think about everything Jacob said earlier. He is very intuitive - much more than I had ever thought. He said that Edward _knew_. Did he?

_Please tell me he fucking knew_.

As if my stereo reads minds it starts playing Garth Brooks, "If Tomorrow Never Comes." This initiates another bout of bawling. Deep down, I know the answer to my question. There is no doubt in my mind that Edward knew he was, and still is, everything to me. I also do not have any fear that those feelings were completely reciprocated.

Wow. I have so much to think about.

It will take some time to consider everything but I promise myself that I will figure it out soon. I know I can't waste any more time being angry about what happened. Especially now that Charlie is involved. It is one thing not to talk to Edward's family for this long, but I know I could never do that to my dad.

My mind wanders to Jacob again and how he helped me tonight. I owe him big time. He definitely proved how much he cares for me and, like he said, he would be there for me.

I would find a way to show him much I appreciate him and what he did for me tonight.

And I knew exactly where I would start.

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**AN: Thanks again for the reviews. Let me know what you think. And don't worry Jazz is back next chapter. I didn't forget this story is about them.**


	17. I Might Get Over You

**AN: Thanks for everyone that has added me to their favorites and alerts and for everyone that is reviewing. Your words are like gold to me.**

**As I said last chapter I wrote a one-shot called "Burnt Marshmallow's", if you haven't read it, please go check it out. BEWARE! It is a Edward/Jasper slash fic, so if you don't like the couple you probably won't like the fic. **

**I don't own twilight or any of it's characters.**

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**I Might Get Over You – Kenny Chesney**

_Oh, I never thought I'd see it  
But I think I see the light now  
I know that what I have to do  
Is get on with my life, but I can't fake another day  
I can't face another night, so I just take another breath  
And let it go_

_If I could ever feel the way I felt  
I'll take a chance with someone else  
And if my heart takes chances too  
Someday I might get over you_

**Chapter 17**

Jacob and I saw a movie on Wednesday because he had another swim meet this weekend and would be gone the rest of the week. We went to see "Transformers". It really isn't my type of movie, but it was all right.

Jake had been very attentive since I went to see him on Monday. He called me a couple of different times just to make sure I am doing okay. We didn't talk about anything special, he was just there for me. _Like he said he would_.

I know that Jacob deserves more. He deserves a whole woman not the half of one that I have been giving him thus far. I know that in order for me to do this it is going to take several steps. Three steps being leaps and bounds more difficult than any of the others.

I am ready to complete one of those steps tonight. I get out of the car and walk over to him.

_My Edward_. He will always be _my_ Edward, no matter what my future holds for me. I will never stop coming to see Edward and I will never stop loving him, he will always occupy a large piece of my heart, but I am ready to start sharing.

Pictures of him run through my head. My eyes water but not in the usual way. It isn't the heavy self-pitying breakdown that I have indulged in the past. It is the tears of the loss of a true love, one I will miss terribly the rest of my life.

"Oh, Edward." I say on a sigh. Touching the ring on my hand. "Just because I won't be wearing this anymore doesn't mean I've stopped loving you or forgotten you."

"I know that you want this for me, you want me to move on. I know, because you were never known for being selfish…even up until the end. By you not wanting me to see you on your last day proved how altruistic you could be. You sacrificed any time we could have had together in the last couple of minutes of your life to protect me and even though I may not agree with it, I forgive you, Edward, and I love more for it."

Sitting cross-legged, I talk to Edward for some time - like he is an old friend. I even chuckle when I tell him about Mike's advances. "You were right." I have to say. He had always told me that Mike had a thing for me and I just told him that he was paranoid.

For the first time, I leave him with a small smile playing on my lips.

I make my way back home. Once I am there, I grab the ring box that had carried this ring over six years ago and place it in there once again.

That night, I lay in bed and allow myself to cry over it – _just one more time_.

^*^

Jake calls me the next day at work to tell me Seth, his best friend, won four tickets to a concert to see an old alternative band at The Machine Shop next Thursday. He asks if I want to go and maybe set Seth up with Angela in the process. I tell him I will talk to her and let him know.

I know Angela will be on board. She is cool like that. What I need to do is make sure that Jazz will not be working that night. I will be seeing him tonight and I would find out then. That would be an awkward confrontation and I am going to do everything I can to make sure that it does not happen.

Breaking it off with Jazz is one of the steps that I need to accomplish my goal to completely give myself to Jacob, but I just took the ring off last night. I can only handle one step at a time and I am not ready to take the next step yet.

Angela, as expected, is thrilled at the idea of a blind date with Seth. She trusts that I won't set her up with a dog.

I call Jazz to let him know what time I will be there but he asks that I pick him up at a diner next to The Machine Shop because he had lent his vehicle to someone for the night. Wow, that was a pretty generous thing to do. It would have to be someone that was close to me for me to do that._ Another good quality_.

When I approach him on the street I can feel my breath becoming shallow. The sight of him never fails to take my breath away. He jumps in with a wide smile on his face. "Hey there." I say and lean in to give him a kiss on the cheek. He seems surprised at that, but lets it go. I am surprised as well. _Why did I do that?_

He automatically takes my iPod and puts on some Aerosmith. I am sensing a pattern here. I wonder if it has something in common with the type of music his band plays. Hmm. As I was thinking about this I saw him glancing into the backseat. "What are you looking for?" I ask.

"Nothing." He replies but has a big ol' smile on his face. I can't help but smile in return.

When we get to his place the TV is on and I can hear the Tiger/White Sox baseball game is playing. Without being able to see fully into the living room area I mouth to Jazz, "Is someone here?"

"No, James has been staying here the last few nights. He had a fight with his girlfriend." _Girlfriend_? Oh, I couldn't let that go.

"Girlfriend? You guys can have girlfriends? Does she know what he does?" I question curiously. Irrational jealousy rearing it's ugly head. Jazz better not have a girlfriend. Wait, that shouldn't matter to me. _I am so confused._

He appears to be upset…offended more like it. "Yeah, Bella, we can have girlfriends. We are human. We do a job, just like you do. Some of us have people we go home to."

I want to ask him if he is one of those people but I back off. "Okay, okay." I hold my hands up in surrender.

I start to pull my money out but I remember what happened the last time and I don't want Jazz to become all sullen again, but I am confounded because I don't really know what I did to cause the attitude back then. _What to do?_

I pull the money out slowly and then smile to myself. _Oh baby_! I count out the money in front of him so he can understand, then I set it on the counter.

"Three hundred dollars?" He questions bewildered.

"Well, according to your "menu" that you gave me I believe oral for you and me was one hundred and fifty, each." He is visibly taken aback but he quickly takes my hand and starts to walk swiftly toward his room.

Oh, but I want to drag this out. He looks way too excited.

"Hey angel, can we watch the rest of this game? There is only a few more innings left and this is an important game." At least that is what I heard a bunch of guys at work saying.

_Whoa, hold up. Did I just call him angel? What IS wrong with me today?_

We both get comfortable on the small couch and I lean into him so I can breathe him in. I glance at him and notice that it looks like he is pouting. How cute!

Feigning interest in the game I keep taking glimpses in Jazz's direction. He isn't even watching the game and is staring out the patio door. Then I look down and notice the bulge in his jeans.

_In due time, angel_.

I decide to tease him more. I casually put my hand on his thigh and give it a little squeeze as Brandon Inge hits it out of Comerica park. "Yes!" I exclaim. He surprises me by putting his hand on the back of neck and massaging it in a slow sensual rhythm.

_Oh that feels so good_.

I look at him suspiciously to see if he is just trying to beat me at my own game, but he genuinely seems lost in thought and not aware of what he is doing.

Then he suddenly gathers his thoughts. "Look, that homer pretty much sealed the game. Are we done here?" He is brooding. I can hardly hold back my laughter.

"Well, I don't know…if they don't win this game, they won't make it to the play-off's." _I think_. I watch him run both of his hands through his hair. I attempt to stifle a giggle but he must have caught it. He finally realizes that I have been playing with him. He lets out a playful growl, rises and grabs me by my knees and hoists me over his shoulder. "You think you can play with me, huh, I'll make you sorry for that." He says as he spanks my exposed bottom. _Uh oh_.

When we make it to his bedroom he dumps me unceremoniously onto the bed and stands at the edge staring at me. His eyes are blue flames, hot and dark. I never want to forget this look, his look. Thoughts similar to these cross my mind fleetingly and I squash them. I hate that whenever I am with him I start to get nostalgic knowing that this is not going to last much longer. It is like whenever we are together we are just here, for nothing more, than to make memories.

He begins to remove his shirt but I raise to my knees quickly and put my hands on his. I want to take it off. I take his shirt by the hem and slowly lift it over his shoulders and head. When he is free of it I let it go to land on the floor, where eventually all of our garments will land on top of each other, intermingling, like it is perfectly natural for our clothes to be mixed together. His hands weave through my hair and I think for a second that he is going to kiss me, because our lips are so close. I lean in closer to him but he quickly turns his face to the side before I reach his perfect lips and instead end up placing a kiss on his jaw.

_Way to be subtle, asshole_.

I continue to place open kisses and nibbles along his jaw, neck and collarbone. His hands continue to work themselves into my hair, getting tangled. I lower my fingers to unbutton his fly. When I do, I am met directly with his arousal. _Commando_. "Fuck." I whisper against his tattoo, my mouth moving more urgently against his chest and nipples. His pants drop to the ground and he kicks them into the growing pile. He is now completely naked. I look down at his hardened prick, the tip already glistening. My mouth is watering, I am finally going to be able to lick the moisture off him and I was over eager, to say the least, to find out what Jazz tastes like. I bend my head but his hands are still in my hair and he pulls me back up and bends it back so that I am looking into his face.

"Slow down Darlin', we have plenty of time." He whispers against my exposed neck and then traces his tongue from collarbone to ear. He took my lobe into his mouth suckling and then whispers, "You have got way too many clothes on."

He quickly divests me of my clothing and we fall back on the bed together. We both let out a small moan when our naked bodies collide. His cock nestles right into my center. His arms are around my shoulders and we are breathing on each other. I shut my eyes and then open them instantly. I now know that he does not like it when I close my eyes, but it is so hard when he is this close because I just want to kiss him, I just want to stick my tongue down his throat and now that I know what it is like I need it that much more. So instead of shutting my eyes I turn my head to the side and kiss his shoulder and bicep.

He gazes down at me for a long pause, seemingly satisfied that I am keeping my eyes open, and then he begins to trail kisses down my chest. He goes through the motions on my breasts, effectively driving me to distraction with passion and lust, but now he starts to move lower, he has only gone this low once in all the times that we have been together. It had been since the time that the temptation was just too great, when I could tell that he was restraining himself from breaking his own rules. He is tonguing my belly button while his fingertips are still lazily swirling around my hardened nipples.

I am already soaking wet, my cunt is salivating at the chance to make out with Jazz, directly. He licks a trail from my belly button to my hipbone placing fiery kisses across it, licking directly over my mound and then to the other hipbone giving it the same treatment. He pulls up on my legs so that they are bent. His mouth goes straight passed where I want it and begins kissing my inner thigh at the knee and is slowly trailing his lips and tongue toward my pussy. His mouth is hot and wet on me and it feels so damn magnificent. I want to scream, to cry, to beg…no one has ever been able to pull emotions out of me like Jazz did. I watch him as he makes his way closer to the mark. Seeing us in this position together suddenly has my eyes welling up with tears.

_I want this every fucking day_.

He glances up and catches my gaze. He stares hard trying to decipher my raging emotions. I just shake my head. He buries his face in my thigh and bites a little too hard, for a little too long, but I welcome it. The physical pain takes away the repercussions that I had over yet, another foolish revelation and brings my focus back on the activities taking place.

Oh man, he is starting to drive me crazy. He is nipping on my inner thigh and his hands are moving underneath me. His hands settle on my ass and lift it slightly. His head is bent on the target but he just bends close enough for me to feel his hot breath hitting my clit.

_He was good at this, he was real good_.

Fuck. I am going to cum before he even touches me. _What fun is that?_ "Jaaazzz." I drag out his name to stress my frustration.

"What do you want darlin'?" He whispers over me, his hot breath fanning my weak spot. Oh, shit. The way his breath caresses me makes every part of my body shiver with passion. I let out a low growl and I bring my pelvis up to meet his waiting lips but he backs away before I can make any contact.

"Please…" I moan.

"Please what? What do you want Bella?" He asks thickly. _Oh no_. This is my pay back for teasing him earlier, and begging seems to be his choice of punishment. At this point, I am not adverse to that. I will do anything to get him to touch me with that perfect mouth of his.

_Stupid, sexy hooker_.

"I want you to fuck me with your tongue…please Jazz…" He goes easy on me and he does not request any further pleading. His tongue finally makes an appearance. He brushes his tongue over my folds and lifts to my clit. The first touch of his tongue sends electricity pulsating through my body, touching every nerve. My eyes roll back in my head. "Oh God, Jazz…that feels…so…shit…please." He finally gives me my wish and darts his tongue in and out of me in quick little thrusts. _Oh, fucking fuck_!

My body is starting to show the telltale signs of an impending orgasm. He lifts his head to demand, "Bella, scream my name. Don't forget to scream my name." He is now French kissing my cunt with vigor, and when he lets out a groan against my clit, I am done. I did as he requested. "Jaaazzz!!" I scream out as my body convulses repeatedly against his mouth.

_I am in heaven, with Jazz, my angel._

I am so tired now, all I want to do is take a nap, but I still have something to do and the thought of finally being able to wrap my mouth around Jazz's cock is quickly reviving me.

When he is finishes licking up my mess he crawls up and lays next to me on his back breathing heavily, his forearm resting over his eyes. I turn my body into him and lay my cheek on his chest. He puts his other arm around me and we just lay there, both of us trying to calm our breathing down. I finally manage to respond to what happened between us, "That was wonderful. Thanks Jazz."

"Your welcome." He whispers. I look up at him to see that he has now lowered his arm and his eyes are shut. He opens his eyes when I am sure he feels my eyes on his face and we stare at each other. I lift my hand to move a stray lock of hair off of his forehead while our eyes continue to try and penetrate flesh and bone for a small glimpse at each other's mind and soul.

It isn't uncomfortable, for some reason. Like it is perfectly natural for us to study each other's eyes intently. It is like Jazz and I had lost all of our inhibition toward one another.

Ready to start the second half of the festivities I smile at him deviously then as I begin to slide down his body, sinuously, I say, "Jazz, that wasn't a very nice thing to do…you know…teasing me like that." I am kissing him as I work my way down to the prize. "And it wasn't very smart…seeing how we are in this position now…don't you think?" I whisper that last part into his belly button after which I swirl my tongue in it. He groans, his head bends back, in pleasure I hope. "Would it help if I said I was sorry?" He croaks. I chuckle, "Nope." I answer with a pop. Which earns me another one of his enticing groans.

I finally reach his erection, a pearl of moisture glistening on the tip. I did as he had, and breathed on it. It twitches so hard that it bumps my nose, I have to stifle a giggle as I run my nose along the length of him back and forth a few times, relishing the scent and feel of him. He was so very soft and so very hard at the same time. Oh, I want to taste him – _but not yet_. I skim over his balls with my fingers, tickling his sack, and he jumps at the contact. "So, what do you want Jazz?" I know he isn't supposed to talk dirty to me so I am wondering how he is going to respond to my tormenting.

_I so want to see Jazz lose control again_. He has not lost it since that second time that we had been together. He is always carefully in charge of every situation. Only for the few seconds while he is submitting to his own release do I see Jazz relinquish power over himself.

He has his head propped on a pillow so he can watch and he is staring down at me with those midnight blue eyes, silently begging me to give in. I take the underside of his cock in my hand and caressed it while my mouth moves down to his sack and I begin to suckle one of the balls gently into my mouth. I let it go and purr, "Jazz, I am waiting for you to answer me." I gaze up again and see that his eyes are squeezed shut.

He opens his eyes and attempts wordlessly pleading with me again. His hands come up my face, the pads of both of his thumbs stroke my mouth and then he takes my head in his hands and gently guides it to his dick. Since he can't see me, I smile into his swollen prick. _It figures he would find a way_.

I graze my teeth along his length and then lick the tip of his cock. Man, he tastes wonderful. _Was there anything about this guy I didn't like_?

I suck him fully into my mouth and move up and down finding a rhythm, savoring the texture and flavor as my tongue swirls, my teeth graze and lips caress. "Oh God…Bella." I never really considered myself good at giving head but throughout the course of this blowjob his moans and grunts are making my self-confidence skyrocket. I try to deep throat him now, and I can feel him grow impossibly larger. I have to pull out a little because I am starting to gag from the sheer size of his appendage. But by the sounds he is making it doesn't seem like he noticed my choking. I grip what I can no longer fit in my mouth and pump to the same pace as my mouth.

"Bella, God…I am going to cum so fucking hard." I take him out of my mouth hastily and repeated his words. "Scream my name." I go back to sucking him off, bobbing my head up and down at a rapid rate. It is just another minute before he screams out my name. _Good boy_. I swallow down all of his cum. His essence is absolutely delicious and I can't get enough. I suck him until every drop has been consumed.

He puts an arm around me as I climb up him and fall on his chest, completely exhausted. I listen to his heart for a few minutes, slowing down to a steady beat and then I hear the sound of even breathing. _Did he just fall asleep_? I look up and sure enough, he is sleeping. I'm pretty sure he isn't supposed to do that. I put my hand over my mouth trying unsuccessfully to stifle a giggle, silently shaking in my mirth.

I can't help but stare at him as he sleeps. Never did he look more like the angel I have come to think him to be. He looked so at ease, so carefree. I briefly wonder what he would look like in the morning, just after opening my eyes.

I lay back on his chest wondering what to do. I know I am not going to spend the night. According to his "menu" that shit is expensive.

I am so fucking tired though. I don't want to fall asleep on my way home. Well, since he is sleeping I don't see the harm in taking a quick shower to wake me up for the ride home. I quietly slip from his arms, put on his t-shirt and take off to the shower.

Once I am in the steamy water, I notice that there is only one bottle of shampoo, one bar of soap, and a soap dispenser on the shelf. Did they all share? And what is in the soap dispenser? Curiously, I pump the top to gain a few drops on my hand and quickly rinse it off, whatever it is it doesn't smell very good. I stick my head under the hot water and let my hair get completely soaked. While I am under the spray I feel arms snake across my waist. I hold my breath, _please be Jazz_.

"You weren't supposed to let me fall asleep, darlin'." _Phew_.

"You looked so peaceful…" I trail off, because his mouth starts placing hot, wet kisses on my shoulders and the back of my neck. His hands had moved up and cupped each of my breasts with his thumbs skimming back and forth over my nipples.

_What? A freebee? Really_? I am not one to question good fortune_._

I lay my head back on his shoulder and he uses that opportunity to assault my neck. I can feel his hard on throbbing into my backside. He brings one of his hands up to my face to stroke my cheek. His fingers make there way to my lips. I part them to let my tongue come out and lick the tip of his finger. Before I knew what is going on he has his hands under my ass and is swinging my legs up. I wrap my legs around his waist as he props me up onto the tile wall. I watch as he positions his cock into my entrance. He already had a condom on.

_Cocky son of a bitch_.

He plunges into me. With his hands on my ass he gyrates me against him slowly. His head falls back and his mouth is open slightly. _He is simply amazing_. Just looking at him makes my heart and body tighten. The pressure in my core is building at a frenzied pace. I run my hands down his chest, massaging his pecs while I do my favorite thing and just watch the expressions on his face.

I watched him like I always do, staring at him like it was the last time I would ever see him like this. Trying to memorize every detail.

He is looking down at what I am doing to him and then he gasps and his eyes shoot to mine. Suddenly, he props me against the wall, pumping faster, seemingly losing all semblance of control. "Bella, you feel…fantastic…why do you make me lose control?…Oh…fffuu…cum on my cock, darlin'…please." His head set in the crook of my neck. His hand falls between us and starts rubbing my clit furiously. _Oh, Lord_. And that was the last thing I remember thinking before we both fell into oblivion, my walls contracting over and over again onto his pulsating shaft.

We stayed there for a minute catching our breaths and holding each other tightly. With our heartbeats back to normal, I hear him chuckle into my shoulder and then lifts his lips to my ear. "Happy Birthday Bella." _Huh??_

"How…How did you know it was my birthday?" I ask puzzled.

"When you picked me up I noticed that you had a couple of birthday cards in the backseat and a gift bag." He gives me a shy smile.

"Oh, well, what an unexpected, but very welcome gift." I say in my most seductive voice, and giving him the kiss on the cheek that I wanted so badly to deliver on the lips.

Staring directly into each other's eyes, he whispers, "How old are you, darlin'?"

I could have refused to answer…it was personal, but he very rarely asked me a personal question and I am desperate for him to know any small fact about me. For some reason, it also became important to me for him to know how close we were in age.

"Twenty-five." I whisper back, smiling.

We both continue to smile in one another's eyes for a minute before he sighs and then carries me over to the water and holds me underneath the still, hot spray. I tilt my head back to let the water run down my face, hair and between our bodies. "So, darlin'? Care to tell me how you ended up in my shower?"

^*^

I am gathering my things and getting ready to leave. My mind racing with thoughts I usually never allow myself to entertain, but I felt it again, tonight, we broke through another barrier. Tearing down, yet, another one of Jazz's carefully constructed walls.

Did he feel this to? Had his feelings changed tonight? Does he feel this connection?

Reality revisits. Jeez. Of course he doesn't stupid ass. He's paid to make me feel like this.

_Do. Not. Forget. This!_

How many times do I have to remind myself of what he does for a living? Regardless of anything I may have feel, I knew that these feelings are more than likely one-sided.

Why couldn't I put myself out there? Why can't I take the risk and say something to him? Because I know that if I did he may tell me what I didn't want to hear. He may tell me that he has no feelings for me. He may tell me that we shouldn't see each other again due to my feelings. And I couldn't have that.

So a little sadly I had to ask, "So, are you working on Thursday?"

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**AN: What? A double lemon? It must be because you guys are fucking fantastic. So, do you think it's time for Jazz to see Bella on her date with Jacob?**


	18. Say It Isn't So

**AN: I have a new Beta, Cullen818. This girl is the bomb so if you haven't checked out her profile or her great stories I urge you to do so. She also has a new blog out there that keeps you up to date on everything she is working on. Go check it out.**

**Also, I want to thank my old Beta, Jill, for all of the hard work she did on my first 16 chapters. I know it was a lot of extra work for you.**

**Last but not least I want to recognize 3 people: Anushca, shelbron and HarleyGreen. You guys have been with me from the beginning and you have hung in there with all my silly twists. I hope that still rings true after my next one… **

* * *

**Say It Isn't So – Outfield**

_I'm not so tough,  
but if you let me down (I'll tell ya)  
I'd give you just one day to explain  
I'd like to know if there's somebody else in this game_

_Say it isn't so, tell me I'm the only one  
Say it isn't so, without you I can't go on  
How was I to know, if you keep me guessing I don't understand_

**Chapter 18**

_Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive - Havelock Ellis_

_He who desires jealousy, inspires tragedy – Deb, TfT_

So I had confirmed that Jazz wasn't working on Thursday. _Fuck_! Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong tonight?

I have this nagging suspicion that something is going to go wrong. I am taking Jacob precariously close to my double life and I don't feel comfortable with it whatsoever.

The thought of Jake and Jazz meeting is like the light of day meeting the dark of night. By appearances, Jazz is the light and Jacob is the dark, but inwardly it is the opposite. Either way they clash, never to be considered allies, or even acquaintances. I briefly picture the two of them standing together and I shiver.

Why did I feel a surge of guilt…like I am cheating? And who am I feeling guilty about cheating on? In both cases it is ridiculous. Jacob and I are not exclusive and Jazz and I only have a sexual relationship. To even think of the word "exclusive" in the presence of Jazz is laughable - or miserable, depending on which way I look at it.

After what Jazz and I shared this weekend, it left me thinking about him all week. The oral was phenomenal but it was the sex in the shower that intrudes my mind at all times of the day. _Why had he given that to me?_ I know it was my birthday, but he is so adamant about not breaking any of his rules, and getting paid for sex was definitely one of the top rules on the list. I mean that rule alone makes him what he is.

So it leaves me to wonder. Does he have some type of feelings for me? I am always so confused when it comes to Jazz. It's like he is sending me mixed signals. _What does he want?_

He had let go of his façade again in the shower, saying things he normally wouldn't say. Even admitting that he loses control. He gave himself to me, not only with abandon, but again, _for free_.

_That has to mean something…right?_

My heart and mind do battle once again. My heart is trying to persuade my mind of the merits of trying to convince Jazz of the benefits of finding new employment so we can pursue a relationship with together. My mind is laughing deliriously at that. At least it _had been laughing_…but as the week progressed my heart is starting to make more and more sense.

_Do I love him?_ _Yes_, is what my heart sings; _please no_ is what my mind cries. But I know what the answer is.

I am setting myself up for some major heartbreak, but I am sure that if I don't take a chance with him I will regret it. The fact is I want to be with him, and not just sexually. I want to learn all of his secrets. Things I haven't previously been able to ask him: Where his accent comes from, what does his tattoo mean, what led him to his current life, what he wants in the future, was I in it? What his real name is for fucksakes...

The list goes on and on.

I also, want to share things with him about me. I want to share my day with him, my nights with him, my thoughts and secrets with him. My past, present and hopefully, future.

_Oh God, this is impossible._

But it doesn't seem to matter to me anymore, the fears I have pale in comparison to what I could get out of it. Maybe it will take some time and patience, but I am not going to give up on the idea that Jazz and I can be together one day, no matter how moronic it sounds.

All I have to do is get through tonight. If it isn't for Angela's excitement I would probably cancel on the bunch of them, but she is so excited about her blind date with Seth. She has been preparing since I told her about it…shopping for the perfect outfit all week long. She finally found one last night and had animatedly described it in detail during a company meeting.

I am actually excited about her meeting Seth. I met him once when he stopped into on one of my swimming classes. He is dark, like Jacob. It is obvious that they share the same heritage. Even during that brief encounter I could sense the closeness between the two of them. It seemed like they could read each other's unspoken thoughts. _Weird_.

I feel so bad for leading Jacob to this point, but it had only been a handful of dates. Surely, someone can't get hooked that fast. Then I think of my situation with Jazz, and when I started to have feelings for him. It had been almost right away, if I was completely truthful.

_Bah! That wasn't the same thing. _

I never promised Jacob anything. He is a great guy and deserves a hell of a lot more than what I can give him. My heart has been given to someone else and as much as I would like it to be otherwise I can't change the way I feel, just to avoid the heartache that is sure to come. My only hope is that Jacob and I can remain friends after this is over. _I may need him_.

I am in the process of going through my closet trying to find something that isn't completely out of date. I finally come across a simple hunter green v-neck nylon shirt with black skinny jeans and black pumps. I just let my hair hang loose and put on minimal make-up. It may seem like I am not trying, but Jacob likes simple, and I feel like being accommodating since this will be our last date.

I am excited about the prospect of pursuing Jazz and it is making my mood soar. I am humming Sugar Ray's, "Someday" while I straighten up the kitchen, waiting for Jacob to show up.

It is a few minutes later when I hear a horn honking in the driveway. Jacob never bothers to come up to the door since he has no intention of actually coming in. He has still not started taking any medicine for his cat allergy, so my feline infested house is still off limits.

Jacob and Seth are waiting in the truck. Both of them are looking extremely nice. Jacob in a black button up and dark jeans and Seth is wearing a simple white button up with faded Lucky jeans.

Next we stop by and pick up Angela. She looks as hot as she predicted she would. She had on a silver halter top with a mini black sweater over top, black form-fitting capri's and heels. I chance a glance at Seth and his mouth is hanging wide open, in shock and awe.

"Well, get out and open the door for her doofus." Jacob exclaims laughing. When Seth gets out Jacob squeezes my thigh and winks at me. "Looks like this was a good idea, babe." I cringe slightly at the use of the term of endearment. It reminds me of how close Jacob thinks we are. I grab the hand that is on my thigh and clutch it. _Please forgive me._ I feel remorse for leading him on. I know that if I didn't know Jazz I would have really tried to make this work between us.

He looks down at our joined hands for a moment and then into my eyes, an intense expression on his face. I raise my eyebrows in question at his change in demeanor. Confused I ask, "What?"

"Your ring? You're not wearing your ring." He states as a huge grin spreads across his face.

_Well, shit._

^^^^^^^^***********************^^^^^^^^

When we arrive at The Machine Shop the street is crowded. Apparently, the band we are going to see is pretty damn good. I made sure that I googled the band before we came just to make sure it wouldn't be Jazz's band. It didn't have any pictures of the group, but I am fairly confident that this is not his band since the article I found said the guitarist is thirty-two years old.

I am happy that it is a busy night, hoping that I will not be recognized as we make our way through the masses. I keep my face lowered, just in case. I clasp onto Jacob's hand so I can be guided through the mob without crashing into some unsuspecting individual.

To my relief we make it to the bar and to an open table without confrontation. Seth and Angela are lost in conversation regarding some movie that they both saw recently. They seemed to be getting along very well, and the body language is positive. They are both leaning into each other and every time Angela says something she puts a hand on his sleeve. I am thrilled that they are hitting it off. Angela deserves so much better than her on-and-off relationship with Ben.

I glance at Jacob who is also watching the pair, with a smirk on his face. He turns to me and we both smile at each other, knowing that we have done well. Jacob and I start talking about the band. He doesn't know much about them so the topic changes quickly to something he does know very well, his swim meets, mostly about the one coming up this weekend. He is complaining about one of his teammates, Eric, who apparently isn't holding his own during the competitions due to some personal issues.

We all order drinks and have a few laughs before the show starts. The music is awesome. Angela and I dance in our seats as Jacob and Seth watch us with grins on their faces. By the time the night is over I have had about four or so drinks in me and I am feeling no pain. I am not driving so I don't have a limit tonight. Jacob, being the responsible person that he is, had two drinks in the beginning of the night before he cut himself off completely.

When we get outside the breeze is chilly so Jacob puts his arm around me for warmth. I cuddle into his burly chest, accepting his body heat graciously. Seth did likewise with Angela. I can see her smiling into his chest. She looks at me and I can tell she is doing a mental Macarena. She is happy, and that makes me happy.

Again, keeping my head down we head toward the car. I peek through my lashes to see if I can spot James or the girl that he and Jazz share their place with but I can't see either of them. I chuckle to myself; it is almost like finding a needle in a haystack. Realizing this, I pick up my head and just as I did that, I spot him. Not James…Jazz. Go figure. But there is only thing running through my mind at the time…who the fuck is that?

Because Jazz is walking with his arm around a blonde and to say that she is gorgeous would be a gross understatement. She looks like she had just walked off a magazine cover. She has beautiful blonde hair that came midway down her back, beautifully shaped eyes, sculpted cheekbones. She had a pale complexion with ice blue eyes, not as magnificent as Jazz's but equally as intimidating. Her body was amazing; she was wearing a white, form-fitting dress. I could take all of the yoga, swimming and dance classes I wanted but I know I will never have a body like that. I also realized that hanging around Alice long enough gave me the knowledge that the dress she is wearing is designer, one she easily dropped a grand on. This girl had money written all over her.

Jazz looks amazing as well. He is dressed in a dark gray button up shirt and black slacks. Worst of all…he looks so fucking happy. His smile is wide and his eyes are dancing.

_Damnit, he didn't look like a hooker at all_. If I hadn't known better I would have thought he was affluent. Maybe business was good. Fuck!

It looks like they had just finished a meal since he is carrying, what looks like, a carry-out container. They stop on the passenger side of what I know to be his Envoy. She turns to look up and smile into his eyes; she throws her arms around him and gives him a big kiss...on the lips…on the_ fucking _lips. The lips I never have access to. My heart feels like it is sputtering and I can't inhale. My lungs not accommodating air.

_Okay. Who the hell is this chick?_

Did he have a girlfriend like James did? Is it a regular, like me, but with more privileges? Did he care about her? How long have they been together? It had just been a chaste kiss, but I am never allowed to go there. They are still smiling into each other's eyes and she is saying something to him.

I was seeing green and red. I was jealous and mad as hell. Couldn't he have told me he has a girlfriend? Bad for business to advertise you have a girlfriend? Probably.

I feel so foolish that I entertained the thoughts that I did this afternoon.

I don't realize that I have stopped in my tracks and am stuck in some state of paralysis. Not moving a muscle, I was entrapped in the scene unfolding before me. I finally turn to look at Jacob. He has turned to me and is staring at me with confusion clear on his face.

I have to think fast so I blurt, "I thought I forgot my purse back at the bar."

"Bella, it's there on your shoulder." He says humorously.

Yeah…I was never real good when it came to thinking fast.

I'm glad he can find humor at my expense, especially since I feel like my world is falling apart right before my eyes, because they had traveled back to Jazz and his stunning girlfriend. We continue to walk as I persisted to watch.

Jazz just finishes depositing her into the passenger side and he is making his way around to the driver's side. He looks up, still grinning. The smile disappears when he notices me staring at him. We have reached the truck and Jacob has the door open for me, my hand still tucked into one of his.

I can't think straight. I am illogically angry at Jazz. My mind knows it is unreasonable to be mad at him, but it cannot persuade my heart to change its course. I have the urge to stomp over to him and slap him hard across the face but this isn't his problem, it is _all_ me. But I am still bitter and it makes me grab Jacob by the arms, as Jazz watches. I reach up and press my lips to Jacob's. He takes the kiss to the next level by moving his lips over mine and when he flicks my lips with his tongue, I oblige by opening my lips to allow him entry. His tongue slips inside and moves languidly around the inside of my mouth as his arms snake around me, swallowing me in a massive embrace. We eventually pull away when we hear hoots and catcalls from the backseat of Jacob's Avalanche.

When I look in Jazz's direction I notice that his Envoy was still in place but he isn't standing there. It is too dark outside to see if he is inside it or if he even noticed our kiss, but I gather that he is in the vehicle because it is only moment's later before it speeds off, squealing the tires in it's haste to be gone.

"Can we go back to my place?" I hear Jacob say roughly. _Oh yeah...Jacob_.

_The one who said he will always be there for me._

I watch as the taillights disappear in the distance before I turn back to him. As tears begin to form in my eyes I whisper, "Yes, I would like that."

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**AN: You guy's trust me right?**


	19. Crying

**AN: I just want to say that you guys fucking amaze me. I truly adore you all. I was really worried about that last chapter, but you all are just rolling right along with me. I fucking love it!**

**To repay you for your support I put this chapter out super early and I recently renamed my JPOV one-shot from "Finding A Girl" to "Finding Forgiveness". Yes, I have determined that Jazz has his side of the story to tell. As a consolation or peace offering, if you will, you may see a few chapters post before the end of this story while Bella goes through her struggles of getting her shit together and forming a fucking clue. So look for those new chapters.**

**If you don't have Finding Forgiveness in your fav's or on alert – you may want to do that so you don't miss any of the new chapters.**

**Thanks again to my new beta, Cullen818. Remember to check out her profile to read her stories and go to her personal blog or the Jasper's Darlin's blog which is also on JaspersBella profile page, as well. Both of these blogs are super cool.**

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**Crying – Yngwie Malmsteen**

_-no lyrics-_

**---**

**Chapter 19**

I feel like I am walking on a high wire, a hundred feet above the ground with no net to catch me when I fall. _And I know I am going to fall._ My heart is pounding and my breath is coming out in small pants.

We drop Angela off first. Seth gets out with her and walks her up to the door of her condo. It looks like they are handing each other their phones to program their numbers in and then he gives her a light kiss on the cheek. I assume tonight has been a victory, where they are concerned. When Seth climbs back in it is confirmed, as they have set up a solo date for next weekend.

On the way to Seth's apartment he is barraging me with questions about Angela, her dislikes and likes, so that he can set up their next date properly. I appreciate the intrusion on my thoughts and focus solely on each and every question that he asks. I think it is adorable that Seth wants to make sure that he doesn't disappoint Angela on their upcoming date.

After dropping Seth off at the entrance of his apartment building the truck becomes silent. This is the first time that I notice that Jacob has been uncharacteristically quiet since we left the bar…well, since the kiss. I peek over at him and observe that he appears to be deep in thought. I don't want to disturb him so I let my mind wander to the scene I witnessed between Jazz and that amazing girl he was with.

Fuck! What ever made me think that I was someone that could catch his eye? Not everyone knew what he did for a living, so between his looks and personality, him finding someone of that quality should be no shocker. But the thought of Jazz having sex with me and then taking her out to nice restaurants and other outings makes me physically ill and madder than hell. I understand that may be his way of life, but I am not accustom to seeing my lover out with other women.

Wait a minute. Wasn't I out doing the same exact thing?

It doesn't stop me from having completely unfounded feelings of being jilted. Jazz did absolutely nothing wrong, but my heart cannot rationalize this. My heart had welcomed him in and now it feels utterly betrayed. I know I am not thinking clearly, I am angry and hurt. I should not be making such decisions under these circumstances, but my mind does little to prevent me from moving forward with my plan to rid myself of my stupid thoughts of Jazz and I actually having a future together.

I turn my head to gaze at Jacob. He is what I need. I grab his hand to prove this. He turns his palm up and squeezes my fingers lightly. _See, I can handle this._ I don't need the explosion of lust and desire and the adrenaline coursing through every fiber of my being that I get every time I looked at Jazz. I scoff. I don't need to have the insatiable craving, the stomach dropping, jumping off a cliff feeling that I get every time he looked back at me.

I don't want that anymore. I want to fall in love gradually, like a slow walk through the park, like floating in a lazy stream, or like a Sunday afternoon nap.

Like in a Barry-fucking-Manilow kind of way. That is how I want to fall in love.

I hadn't even realized that Jacob is parked and staring at me. "Have you changed your mind?" His head is looking down into his hands now resting on his lap. When had he let go of my hand? I look down at the hand that was holding his and I can see it is clenched in a tight fist.

"No, of course not." I regain his hand and pump it reassuringly.

_But who is here to reassure me?_

We stride hand-in-hand to into his apartment. I walk in to find an empty apartment. "Where is Sparky?" I ask. He smiles at the mention of his dog's name. "He is visiting my parents. They have a large piece of property and have five dogs of their own. Every once in a while I let him stay over there for a few days. It's not good for him to be cooped up in this apartment all the time and he gets along well with my parents dogs."

My anxiety is starting to return in full force. I clasp my hands together forcing them to cease shaking. My remaining buzz, left from the four drinks I had, is dissipating quickly and I am starting to regret my decision to come here. Sensing my hesitation Jacob is over to me instantly. He pulls me into his huge arms and offers. "Can I get you a drink?" _Ohhh, why not?_

"Sure." My voice has a tinge of despondency to it so I add cheerfully, "Whatcha got?"

He opens a small cupboard under the sink that has a small variety of bottles. None of which look too appealing since I have never considered myself a hard liquor drinker. I must've shown my dislike for his assortment because he mentions, "Or I have some Bahama Breezes in the fridge."

"That sounds perfect." He grabs me one and snags a beer for himself. We go to the sofa where we sip on our drinks in silence. I get about halfway through my drink before I feel his hand creep to my upper back and rub lazy circles across my shoulder blades. He stops to drag his hand to my cheek and turns my face toward him. He leans in and grazes my lips with his own. _A kiss…he wants to kiss me._ My eyes shut involuntarily. He takes this as encouragement and bends down and places his lips on mine again, this time with added pressure. I pucker in an effort to find some kind of a spark. He begins to move his lips over mine and his tongue comes across and licks the seam. I unconsciously open them. His tongue explores the recesses of my mouth leisurely, while I sit there and do nothing.

I have to snap out of this fucking depression _right now_. I turn fully to Jacob and put my arms around his neck pulling my body in closer to his. He lets out a small whimper into my mouth and I turn my head to the side so I can intensify the kiss. I allow my tongue to press against his eliciting another groan. _He loves to kiss me._ I dig deeper searching for more. Wanting to hear the pleasure that my kisses wring from him. I am desperate to hear his desire, to see if it will rub off on me.

_God, I want this. Goddammit, I fucking wanted to want this! Please. _I am begging myself to comply.

He starts to kiss down my neck as his hands roam my back and sides. One of his hands come around and up to my breast while his mouth returns to mine. He starts massaging my tit as his tongue dances with mine. I think I should probably be doing something with my hands so I move them from around his neck to his chest and massage his massive pec's.

His kisses start to get more urgent and his massaging a little rougher. I know the signs, he probably has a major hard on right now. I should probably touch it, but as soon as I complete the thought he suddenly releases me and stands up, his eyes silently begging for me to come with him. I stand and clutch one of his hands. I really hope he can't feel how damp they are.

We travel wordlessly to his bedroom. When we enter the room he begins scrambling around to pick up some of the clothes scattered around the room.

"It's okay, you don't have to do that." I seat myself on the bed and wait for him to return to me. _Boy, he _was_ messy_.

He finally returns to the bed and sits next to me. I climb on top of his lap instantly. At this point, I just want to get this done. I pull off his shirt and stare unabashedly at his bare torso. I think about how Jacob has a wonderful body as I let my hands roam across his chest and nipples. When I do it, I hear him suck in a breath. I start kissing down his neck and nip his lobe with my teeth. I feel his hands dance across the hem of my shirt before he slowly begins to lift it. I unlatch my mouth from his neck and raise my hands so he can pull it off. When my shirt is thrown to the floor Jacob stares openly at the newly exposed skin. His eyes are hot and horny and I feel like a sheep in the presence of a wolf. I feel like I am getting ready to be devoured and there is nothing I can do to prevent it.

He moves his hands to my back to unfasten the clasp of my bra and my head starts spinning. I think I am going to be sick. _No, not now_. Is this the alcohol or are we moving to fast?

We've been dating for almost two months now. It is time for us to take the next step. We are, after all, adults here. As I am mentally debating this my bra has been removed and Jacob is feasting again on the newly revealed flesh. I can feel his arousal pressing into my core as I straddle him. I remember the plan, so I start rubbing my pussy against his erection. Our mouths mold together again as my hands weave through his long thick hair and his are stroking my nipples.

He stands up from the bed taking me with him. He unbuttons my jeans and takes down my zipper. Panic is taking over again, but I push it aside and repeat his gesture by undoing his pants and lowering his zipper. He pulls away to finish removing his pants, so again I copy him.

He moves me back toward the bed and once the back of my legs hit it, I fall back on to it. Jacob climbs onto it and hovers over me. Starting at my belly button, his tongue and teeth make there way up my body. As he progresses further up his free hand plays with the edge of my panties and then lower, kneading my core through the lacy cloth. The friction feels good on my clit and I moan. Jacob sits back on his knees and hooks his fingers into my panties to drag them down my legs.

Once my panties are gone he kisses my ankle and begins placing open-mouthed kisses all the way up my calf. As he reaches the inside of my knee I am starting to shake and it isn't from pleasure. No, I was not ready for him to kiss me there.

_Enjoy this! Fucking, enjoy this…please!!_

I am trying! But things are starting to invade my haze. Things like consequences and repercussions.

_STOP!_

Jacob halts in his actions and I realize I had said that out loud. Again. _NO! I will not remember the other time that I had done that._

"Are you okay?" Jacob is breathless and I cannot help but notice his tented boxers. Fuck! There is no way that I can get out of this.

I feel like I had gone too far and was obligated to finish this. In this moment, I fervently prayed that Jacob practiced instant gratification.

"No…I mean, yes…I just…I just want you right now. I can't wait." I hope that I say this convincingly.

I decide that I must have because Jacob quickly gets up and removes his boxers and goes to his nightstand to pull out a foil package.

Jacob's member is quite impressive and I wish that we are doing this under better circumstances. He places the condom on himself and then moves on top of me again. His tongue is delving in my mouth while his finger presses into me. It hurts a little since I am not as wet as I should be by this time. I hope that the condom is lubed, otherwise this could potentially be quite painful. He removes his finger and smashes his groin into mine. That is when it hit home, what is going to happen here. I start to tense up as I feel the pressure of his head invading my opening.

My mind starts screaming at me…_NOOOOO! _But it is too late. He is almost fully inside me now and he is slowly lowering his arms so that his chest is connected to mine.

When he is seated fully inside me, my mind and heart sob. My outward appearance is stoic, not giving away any of my inner turmoil. As he is moving over me he is groaning and saying sweet words. Words like "beautiful" and "amazing". Words that would normally make me feel special. Instead they make me feel like complete junk.

He lifts his head from my shoulder and leans on one of his arms so he can slide his other one in between us to massage my clit. I know what he is looking for and there is no way he is going to get it.

_Can I fake it?_ _How??_

Would it be wrong to think of Jazz to get me through this? I can just shut my eyes and imagine it is him over me. But then I am reminded of how hurt Jazz was when he thought that I was thinking of Edward and I know I can't do that to Jacob so I keep my eyes wide open but instead of looking at him in the face I stare at his heaving chest.

To progress things further I decide to stick my hand between us also. My hand brushes past his as I cup his balls and roll them around in my hand. This is a little trick I learned from Jazz. Jacob lowers his head into the side of my neck and lets out a loud groan.

_Well, what do you know? It looks like my time spent with Jazz wasn't a complete waste._

I can see the signs of his impending orgasm, which he verifies when he states, "Oh…God, I'm gonna cum…please…" He pleads, rubbing my clit, while he drives into me. I can't tell him that I am not going to be able to, so for the first time in my life I am going to try and fake it.

Not really sure of what I need to do to pull this off I squeeze my inner thighs together as hard as I can and let out a long, strangled moan. I can hear him moan with me in unison, in the throes of his climax.

I must have had tears forming in my eyes because when I pinch them shut two twin tears dribble past my temple and disappear into my hair.

When I open my eyes Jacob is propped up on his elbows staring at me with a smile. I smile back, almost apologetically. I know what a sad fuck I must have been. I will have to make it up to him sometime when I didn't have so many other things on my mind. He brings up his hand and brushes it across my cheekbone before he climbs off me to clean up.

^*^

When Jacob drops me off he gives me a sweet kiss and we make plans for when he returns from his swim meet on Sunday.

I enter my house and make it all the way to my bedroom before I fall on the bed. I am finally able to release my tears, and I let them go with a vengeance.

At three in the morning I swallow a couple of sleeping pills, which is something I hadn't needed to do for some time. But I am dreading tomorrow because I know what I have to do. I pinch my eyes shut and curl up into a fetal position.

_How many times can a person die inside? _

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**AN: Would you believe me if I said this is going to be a good thing…eventually? Tell me you don't hate me! :(**


	20. Burn

**AN: Thanks again to Cullen818 for beta-ing this so freaking fast. She is truly awesome.**

**Finding Forgiveness – chapter 2 is out. Please go check it out and let me know what you think of JPOV.**

**I just wanted to remind that even though there may be some twists and surprises in this story, whom Bella will end up with is not one of them. I am 100% Team Jasper. Please enjoy the ride while I get them there.**

I** have noticed that there are a couple of great writers reading my story now (and I am totally freaking stoked about that) but I am making my plea now for someone to write a good Jasper/Bella human story. They are going on the endangered species list and I need your help before they are extinct. I am just putting that out there...**

**I have no ownership in anything related to Twilight.**

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**Burn – Usher**

_I don't understand why  
See it's burning me to hold onto this  
I know this is something I gotta do  
But that don't mean I want to  
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just  
I feel like this is coming to an end  
And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you  
I gotta let it burn_

**Chapter 20**

I sit in my car and wait, and wait, and wait. It has been two fucking hours. I am here watching the area he normally hangs out while he works but there is no sign of Jazz. I try calling him several times but he doesn't answer, so I just decide to come and find him.

There are several other ways that I can handle this break up. Since he isn't actually picking the phone up, I could have just left him a voice mail. I could've sent a text message, or I could've done nothing. It is just business after all…to him, but it wasn't to me. Jazz meant more to me than that, and I can't just not see him ever again without having some kind of closure. It is going to be hard enough to move on from this.

I know I have fallen in love with him. I didn't exactly know when it was or how it happened, but it did.

I won't deny it; I did get something out of this botched, solo love affair. Jazz woke me up. He made me start to live and open myself up to feeling again. He made my heart beat fast again, made me feel hope and desire. I will forever be grateful to him for that.

I had to do this now. The only thing that would come out of me trying to salvage things with Jazz after last night would be a deep-seeded pain, one that I did not want to touch.

What I wouldn't give – or pay – to have one more night with Jazz. I would make it special. I thought about the last night we were together in the shower. It had been special, but it wasn't a goodbye. If only I would have known, I would have done more, I would have held him tighter, I would have said more, I would have made it last longer.

_What good would that have done?_

He didn't feel that way about me. He had an ice princess, a goddess for fucksakes. They looked like a perfect couple, but even worse than that they both looked so damned happy.

It didn't matter anyway. Much to my consternation this is the road I meant to take. I promised myself yesterday that I would commit myself to Jacob and try to make that relationship work. He has done a lot for me and I owed him the effort. With Jazz out of my life the task seemed easier.

Shit, it is getting late, and it is obvious he won't be returning here tonight. I pull out of my spot and take off. Apparently, I am going to have to wait until I get a hold of him. Whether he liked it or not he was getting a goodbye. I pass by his work apartment and don't see his Envoy, so I drive home.

Tomorrow is another day…

^^^^^^^^^^^********************^^^^^^^^^^^

I tried calling Jazz all day yesterday, but to no avail. Jacob was due home in a couple of hours and I told him I would come over when he got back, but I was hoping that I would have had this all behind me with Jazz.

I am beginning to think that Jazz is avoiding my calls. I am sure he has caller ID. I mean, who doesn't? _Why doesn't he want to talk to me_? Normally, I would have requested his services on Friday or Saturday, so him expecting a call from me seems only natural.

I drive to where I used to meet him to see if he is there, yet again. I don't see him but I see his goddamn Envoy so I know we will finally be having this confrontation. It is parked in front of the same restaurant that he had been with his beauty queen.

Just in case, he is thinking about evading me I get out of my car and wait by his so that he can't manage a quick escape. I only had to wait about ten minutes before he comes out of the restaurant carrying a bag with a couple carryout containers in it. When he notices me he stops in his tracks. It looks like he is seriously abandoning the food and making a run for it.

_So, he is avoiding me. Fuck! What happened here?_

Was this because I saw him with his girlfriend? What difference would that have made to him? Was it because of Jacob? Was he jealous? My breathing became erratic with that thought. If he cared about seeing me with Jacob than that would mean that he had feelings for me. Would I drop Jacob if he did.

_In a heartbeat._

As he stares at the ground in indecision I walk over to him, taking the choice away from him. I have to cross the street to get to him. Never taking my eyes off of him I make my way around some stray traffic. When I am about ten feet away from him he picks his head up and his eyes, blue as midnight embers are intent on mine. My knees get weak, like they always do when he looks at me. I stop then, so my legs don't give out on me.

His eyes look wary, it didn't look like he had shaved for a couple of days, and his posture is tired and defensive. He looks magnificent.

_My angel. My beautiful angel._

He isn't going to be mine anymore. It was worth crying over, it was worth killing over.

"I'm not working." He states briskly.

"I…I didn't come here for…that." I stutter.

He shifts his weight and lets out a puff of breath, like he was bored. "Well, what is it that you came here for?"

_Don't do this._

"I…I just wanted to…to tell you how much…I appreciate everything…" I swallow hard. Why can't I get out a sentence? Why was this so fucking hard? Why did it feel like someone was plunging a rusty knife into my gut.

_I know why. Because I don't want to do it._

"Jazz…" I start, but he interrupts me.

"Don't." He says, shaking his head. "This is unnecessary, Bella." His eyes are darting around. Looking at anything but me.

Can he see my heartbreak? Can he see this is killing me and he is embarrassed for me? Why does he look so pained? Is it pity? Is he going to miss the cash? I know I am being hard on myself. There is a part of me that knows he has some kind of feelings for me. I am not that naïve am I? He seemed to like me…a little.

"I saw you with your boyfriend yesterday and I happy for you...I am happy that you moved on." It sounds like his voice cracks on the last part.

"That's why you took off your ring." _When had he noticed that?_ "For him." He finishes by clearing his throat.

"Did you sleep with him?" He asks, still not looking at me. I ignore the question, preparing to ask one of my own. He had decided that he didn't want to know the answer and had taken a couple of steps toward the curb, ready to cross the road to his vehicle.

"Wait. Was she…I mean, is she…your…girlfriend?" He continues to walk passed me, not saying anything. I guess that answers my question, but I am not about to let it go yet. He stops just short of crossing the road, checking for oncoming cars. _Why won't he answer my goddamn question?_

"Was she? What? Is that too fucking personal?" My voice was raising at each question. We are starting to draw attention from passersby, but I don't care.

He turns to me, his face pale, his eyes sad. "Bella, you were never my girlfriend. You never will be. I didn't cheat on you."

_I know that. Why…? _

He turns to walk away again. He is just going to leave? No goodbye? No thanks for your business? I know he must have felt something for me at some point. It couldn't have all been one-sided, could it have? Everything?

_Say something._

"Say something!" I scream, as he is halfway across the street. "Say something, goddamn you. Did it mean nothing? At all? At any point did you feel anything?" Tears are coming and I know that I will not be able to fend them off for much longer.

_He is walking out of my life. And I am pissed. I am pissed at stuff like destiny and fucking fate._

He is at his car and he is frantically searching for the keys in his pocket. Most likely anxious to get a way from the crazy lady.

"So, is that how it's going to be then? You're going to pretend like you didn't give a fuck?" I chuckle bitterly. "Fine, have it your way!" I start toward my car and am almost there before I am whipped around and crushed into a violent embrace. He holds me hard, his breathing is labored and his whole body is quivering. He holds me until I start to sob into his chest. When I do, he pulls away abruptly and presses a brief kiss on my forehead. He lingers there before he whispers into my hair, "Be good." His voice quivering also.

He turns quickly, before I can look at this face one more time, and walks away.

"Don't…Don't…" I beg on a sob. I thought he was too far away to hear me, but I saw his hands clench at his sides as he strode away.

_Don't go. Stay with me and not that lovely girl you were with yesterday. I will make you happier than she can. Fight for us._

I sag against my car while I watch him drive away from me. Once he disappears I slide down the driver's door and plop onto the ground. Onlookers are beginning to get concerned; someone comes and asks if I am okay. I tell him I am fine and he gives me a hand to help me up. I am too tormented to be mortified by my very public display.

_I had just lost my angel._

Nothing else mattered.

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**AN: It is painfully clear at this point, that these two are not ready for each other. Don't you think?**


	21. What I've Done

**AN: I want to thank everyone for all of the reviews you have sent in. I can honestly say that the overwhelming response that I have gotten just has inspired me to make sure I am putting my best into every chapter for you all. You guys are truly wonderful.**

**With that being said, this isn't one of my favorite chapters but it needed to be done. I believe this is the catalyst to get Bella off in the right direction and that direction happens to be wherever Jazz is.**

**Which reminds me chapter 3 of Finding Forgiveness, Jazz's POV will hopefully be out on Sunday. You'll find this weeks lemon there.**

**I want to give a shout out to Generation Klutz, Ladydread and FadedImport. These guys have made it a habit of talking about my story around the water cooler at work. There is nothing more fucking awesome than that.**

**I don't own twilight or any of it's characters – for fucksakes. I hate having to remember this every time.**

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**What I've Done – Linkin Park**

_So let mercy come,_

_And wash away_

_What I've done_

_I'll face myself_

_To cross out what I've become_

_Erase myself_

_And let go of what I've done_

**Chapter 21**

From my confrontation with Jazz, I immediately drive to Jacob's house. I should have called him to tell him I would come over tomorrow night instead. I am in no state to be with anyone but I have a strong need to be near someone. I feel so alone, like I have no one - again. That thought scares the crap out of me. So, because I am selfish, and to appease my ridiculous fears, Jacob will be made to suffer my less than desirable company.

Besides, we needed to talk anyway.

When I arrive at Jacob's apartment I study my face in the car mirror, ineffectively trying to remove the streaks left from the tears on my face. Giving up, I make my way up to his apartment to find him waiting for me at the door. He leads me in where I am instantly downed by Sparky.

"C'mon Sparky, down buddy," he chuckles as he clutches his collar in an attempt to drag him off of me. Once that has been accomplished he places a light kiss on my lips. Again, I briefly notice that there is nothing there, but I dismiss it instantly, refusing to acknowledge it. My mind is clouded for the time being, I am not thinking clearly.

_This has to work. It's all I have._

He pulls me to the couch where he has a recording of his last swim meet on the television. He likes to watch previous events to study the form of his opponents, as well as his own teammates. Jacob is seriously into this swimming thing.

He presses the pause button so that he can talk with me without missing any details of the competition. "So, I was beginning to think you weren't coming." He mumbles with his eyes downcast.

We hadn't really spoken but a couple of words since the night we had sex. I feel like I have to assure him that I am still interested. I turn to him and put my hands behind his neck. "I'm sorry Jake, I should have called. I had a lot of errands to run today and it took much longer than I thought it would." I grimace at the reminder of what delayed me.

He seems to be appeased because he gives me a glowing smile. I frown again.

_Why couldn't I have fallen in love with him? It would have been so easy._

When I notice his smile faltering, probably due to the expression on my face, I give him a kiss. A brief one at first but he insists on extending it by putting his hands on my rib cage and opening my lips with his tongue. He dives in and our tongues rub sinuously against each other. _Jacob is a fine kisser_. _But I didn't have much to compare it to, did I? Just one fuckhot, irresistible…_

When his hands start to rise to my breasts I start to hyperventilate.

_Too much._

My nerves are raw from this afternoon and I know intercourse will be a very bad idea. I gently pull away from Jacob and ignore his hurt expression by petting Sparky who is sitting at our feet patiently waiting for a good rubdown. I decide to get down on the floor and oblige.

"Jake. I know we haven't talked much since Thursday and I just want to say that I really enjoyed what we did," I hide my face in Sparky's neck to avoid him from seeing the evidence of my very blatant lie. "But I don't think I was quite ready for that. Do you mind if we take it a little slower?" I look up just in time to see his face fall.

_He was a man, after all_. Could I blame him for it? He could be a little more considerate though, my mind argues.

"Just for a little while." I add.

He seems satisfied with that because he crawls on the floor next to me and gives me a really sweet kiss. I stay for a couple of hours and we just chat and make out a little bit. I cut him and myself off before it gets too serious. I never thought of myself as a cock tease and I am not going to start being one now.

God, Jacob is such a nice guy and he has real feelings for me, I _should_ consider myself lucky to have him. _Maybe one day I will._

_^*^_

I wake up at two in the morning, sweating from a nightmare that I just had. Realization dawns, and I recognize that it isn't a nightmare, it really did happen. I was dreaming about the previous afternoon's events.

_How could I have let it go this far?_ I try to be strong, but eventually give in to the tears. I finally fall asleep wishing that I could rewind yesterday and do it all over again.

Once the light of day hits I am not any better. I have a migraine that will not go away. It feels like the MSU Spartan marching band is playing the fight song in my head.

I am, for the thousandth time, going over every detail of the conversation I had with Jazz. It may be my warped mind, but some things are just not adding up. And if I have learned anything doing my job it is that _everything_ needs to add up.

I am starting to question some of the things he said and did yesterday.

Like when did he notice that I took off my ring? Then it comes to me - I know exactly when. I remember that in the shower he had looked down at my hands that, at the time, were giving his chest a rubdown. It was then, that he had suddenly propped me against the wall and lost his carefully placed control.

_Did he think I had taken it off for him?_ I gasp at the thought.

_Did I?_

He also asked me if I had slept with Jacob. _Why would he ask me that? Did he care?_

And what about when his voice broke? Or when his hands clenched? The bone-crushing embrace? I begin to shake uncontrollably. I am getting a very uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. After analyzing everything that had happened, and what was said, I am beginning to think I have made a mistake.

Call me crazy, but I am beginning to think that Jazz had cared, at least a little. I immediately pick up my cell and dial Jazz's number. I will ask him straight out if he cares for me. If he says he doesn't then I will pick myself up and do my best to forget him. If he says he does then…I don't know, we will have to figure it out…_together_.

The phone rings four times before an operator-recorded message comes on saying that the phone has been disconnected. _To hell with that_.

_He really didn't think I would stop at that, did he? He doesn't know me very well._

I went to Jazz's hang-out. I don't see Jazz, but I see James. I wait for a little while before I get out of my car and make my way over to him.

He smiles at me like I am a potential customer and I cringe at the thought. I realize that he has never really seen me up close and probably can't identify me.

"You're James, right?" He now looks at me warily.

"Yeah, who wants to know?" He replies.

"A friend of Jazz's. Is he around?" I say. He eyes me suspiciously.

"If you were a friend of Jazz's you'd know that he quit the biz." He responds.

"What??" I am starting to feel light-headed. _A mistake?_ I made a catastrophic fucking mistake.

^*^

I sit in my office making a chain with paperclips. The work I have accumulated on my desk this week is mountainous. I can't think about anything but how the hell I am going to find Jazz.

When I asked James where I could find him the bastard just laughed at me. I knew he was going to be of no help. I had gone back every night just to see if he had been lying, but the only ones that I ever recognized was him and the girl that they both worked with.

_Did Jazz quit "the biz" for the blonde? Damn it, would I ever find out?_

I have to face the fact that I have lost him but it is tearing me up inside.

Angela has just come in the office to drop off yet another assignment that is just going to sit on my desk untouched.

She plops down in the chair opposite me and reaches out to put a hand on mine. "Bella, _what_ is going on with you this week? You are really scaring me." I know she is remembering the Bella from almost a year ago. I shiver, remembering too.

I decide, right then and there, that this shit needs to end. Now. I never needed to spill my guts more than I do right at this moment. "Angie, can you leave for an early lunch? I need to talk to someone." I can even hear the desperation and urgency in my voice.

I can tell from her expression and her answer that she hears it too. "Yeah, just let me grab my bag and we can leave now." She leaves my office in a hurry and returns in record time.

^*^

Angela is in the mood for pizza so we went to Primo's. They have an excellent deep-dish pizza. I would normally have been thrilled, but I haven't eaten much this week, so my empty stomach isn't too excited by being filled with greasy pizza.

Nonetheless, we order a vegetarian pizza, because that somehow makes us feel like we are eating healthier.

I wait for my Pepsi to come before I speak. I take a large gulp trying to figure out how I am going to tell Angela about my issue. I continue to guzzle my pop, noticing that I am either quite dehydrated, or stalling for time. I look over my glass to see Angela stare at me in confusion and worry.

I put my glass down and sigh. _How am I going to expect her to understand this? Won't she think less of me?_ Nothing matters at this point. I need to get this weight off my chest. I am suffocating.

We stare at each other for a long moment. "Angie, I don't know how to say this." I begin. Shaking my head, not knowing how to tell her I am head over heels in love with a prostitute, or ex-prostitute, whatever the case may be.

Her eyes widen, she covers her mouth with her hand to cover her gasp. She leans over the table and whispers, "Oh my God, are you prego?"

"Whaaatt? Hell, no!!!" _Goddamnit_. Let us just dispel that topic straight away.

"God. FUCKING. No!!" I emphasize, just in case she didn't get it the first time. She holds her hands up in surrender and apology.

I give her the look that, under no uncertain terms, says she better be fucking sorry. _Holy shit_. I can't even imagine…

Getting my bearings together, I calmly say, "I met a guy."

A flicker of disappointment flashes in her eyes before it disappears. "Aren't you seeing Jake?"

"Well, first of all, we aren't really exclusive and second, I met this guy before I started going out with Jake." I am suddenly feeling defensive. _Calm down Bella_.

I take a deep breath and continue. "Do you remember the night we went to see the show at The Machine Shop?" I ask.

She nods her head and smiles in remembrance. "Well, I met him that night." I watch her expression closely.

She looks appropriately shocked. "What?? How come you never told me about him?"

"Angie, I don't think you'd understand the situation." I hedge. _Should I just come right out and say it?_

She is staring at me, obviously waiting for more information.

"He…he…approached me when I was walking to my car." I don't think I can get any more uncomfortable than I am. "He is a…I mean, he was a…" I stutter. Angela is getting impatient, giving me the, spit-it-the-fuck-out look.

"He was a prostitute." I whisper the last word.

Angela continues to stare at me. Undoubtedly, not believing what I just said. Waiting for the punch line, like this is some sick joke. Finally, after several moments of silence she opens her mouth, "He was _a what_??"

Now I am getting agitated. _Was she really going to make me say it again?_ "Angie, you heard me the first time." I huff. "Can I talk to you about this, or no?" I stare hard at her.

She starts fidgeting, "No, no, I am just…shocked. C'mon Bella, without even knowing what the hell happened between you and this…this guy…I mean…to make you this sad lately, this is a lot to fucking process." I did understand. It was almost laughable. _Well…not really._

She continues, "So am I to assume that you…you…left with him that night?" I don't say anything for a moment, and then I just decide to nod and let her take that in.

She sits for a moment; you can tell by her face that her mind is going a mile a minute. I can see her visibly calm down. "Okay, okay, well, what the hell happened? That was months ago?"

"Yeah…well…"

I go on to tell Angela the whole story. I tell her about meeting with Jazz almost every week, our verbal interactions – minus the details about the actual sex act, going out with Jacob, and seeing Jazz on our double date last weekend.

Then I continue to tell her, minus the details, about having sex with Jacob and then the terrible "break up" with Jazz on Sunday. The only time I pause in my story is when the waitress brings our pizza and then when she comes back to retrieve Angela's empty plate and my half eaten piece.

Angela has been leaning over the table listening and when I am done she reclines back in her seat, letting out a large gust of air. I feel like I can breathe again.

_Angela will help me figure this out_.

"Well, Bella, don't you think this is for the best?" She asks. _Okkaaaay, maybe she won't help_.

"Maybe, but Angie, I can't stop thinking about him. Wondering if he felt the same way." I am so confused.

"He doesn't. Bella that was his job. He is supposed to make you feel like that. You have Jake and he is a great guy. Seth tells me that he is really into you. Why would you want to give that up? Jake is good for you. I could tell on our double date that you guys are perfect for each other." She can tell that I am going to intervene with some sort of argument so she doesn't hesitate before she adds, "Bella, you deserve someone like Jake, he'll make you happy."

I am registering what she said. She is right and Jacob doesn't deserve this. I have two choices; I can leave Jacob, too or I can grow the fuck up and get over Jazz.

Be a real girlfriend for fucksakes, and stop pining over someone else.

Going back to my irrational fear of being all alone I chose to go with the latter of the two choices. I will give Jacob the chance he deserves and put some effort into the relationship. Since Jazz is no longer going to be in it, clouding my judgment it should be easier. I am not stupid enough to think that I can do it overnight, but I will try to purge Jazz from my mind.

Angela talks the rest of lunch about us doing another group date next week. I just sit in silence, brooding as I picture my future.

^*^

It was a couple of weeks later I pick Jacob up from swim class on a Saturday since his truck is getting new tires installed. We are going to go to see GI-Joe at the AMC. _Uchh_. It is not a movie that I am really looking forward to seeing.

_Why couldn't we ever go to anything that I wanted to see?_

By the time the movie is done his truck will be ready.

We are in my car, on the way back from the movie, when I hear a song on the radio that I need to buy off I-Tunes. "Jake, there is a pen and paper in the glove box. Please get it out and write this down." I point to the radio where it displays "Teenager by My Chemical Romance." Jacob rolls his eyes but gets out the pen and paper.

"My Chemical Romance? Is that the name of the song?" Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. He really had no clue about music.

He starts to put the pen and paper back in the glove box. "Wait, butthead. Don't put the piece of paper back in there, put it in my purse, so I'll actually DO it." I don't look at him since I am driving but I know he is looking at me. I smile inside, and I don't know why. For some reason it makes me happy that I have possibly irritated him. Eventually he whips the pen back in the glove box, while his head is still facing my direction. I swear it takes everything in me to fight the full-toothed grin that threatens to spread across my face. His eyes finally leave me when he turns around to the backseat to put the paper in my purse.

He is looking in the back seat for several moments before he swivels back into his seat. "What's this?" He asks. I glance over and then I do a double take. SHIT! He found the "menu". I quickly grab it out of his hand. "Oh, this was just a gag gift that I got from some of my co-workers for my birthday." I try to shrug it off, but my chest aches at having this reminder of Jazz in my hands.

He grabs it back and then peruses the list. He lets out a sharp bark and tosses it onto the backseat. "Wow, that guy is expensive. Listen, I'll give you a deal. I'll only charge you half." He giggles and adds, "And I'm sure I would do a much better job."

_Not a fucking chance in hell._

* * *

**AN: So what did you think? I live for this shit, and you guys know it! Personally, Angie pissed me off in this chapter. **

**If you ask nice you might see Jazz in the next chapter. :)**


	22. Baby Come Back

**AN: Thanks everyone. Wow, you guys absolutely amaze me every chapter. You made me tear up this weekend. I keep on telling you to trust me but I should take my own advice and trust you. I get so worried when I put out a non-Jazzy chapter, but last chapter I received the most comments on a chapter yet. You cannot know how much that means to me. **

**Thanks to beta-queen Cullen818 for helping me get another chapter to you out so quickly. **

**I…do…not…nor will I ever…no matter how many chapters I write…ever…ever…own Twilight…or…any of the characters. Geez. **

* * *

**Baby Come Back - Player**

_All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado_

_Trying to keep up the smile that hides a tear_

_But as the sun goes down_

_I get that empty feeling again_

_How I wish to God that you were here_

_Baby come back, any kind of fool could see_

_There was something in everything about you_

_Baby come back, you can blame it all on me_

_I was wrong, and I just can't live without you_

**Chapter 22**

Going through the motions. Yes, that is my life. Nothing too good, but nothing to bad. Should I complain? I mean, I guess it can be worse. I am trying to be happy, I really am.

Didn't I ask for normal? Didn't I want someone safe? Didn't I say I could go without the passion? The fire? The love?

_Oh God, please help me._

It has been a month since the confrontation between Jazz and I. I still think about him everyday. He is never absent from my thoughts for long. I lay in bed at night trying to fall asleep, I sit in my office trying to get work done or in a meeting trying to deliver a presentation, I am driving in the car trying to get through rush hour, I'm with other people trying to have a fucking conversation and I still wonder what he is doing…where he is…if he is okay…if he is happy.

I know it isn't fair to Jacob but I still drive down to Jazz's vicinity, about once a week, to see if he is there. I don't know what I would say if I saw him, or if I would say anything at all. I just feel the need to make sure he is okay.

Jacob and I had resumed our sexual relationship a little over a week ago and it is good.

Well, it is okay.

Shit, it fucking sucks.

Any other girl would probably be ecstatic with Jacob's performance in the bedroom but I knew better.

What my slow mind is beginning to figure out is that Jazz's lessons did more damage than good. What a brilliant idea that was. He ruined sex for me for all-time. The likelihood of me finding someone close to his mad skills in bed was against all fucking odds. I was destined to have mediocre sex for the rest of my life…_if I was lucky_.

We are hanging out with Seth and Angela a lot. Their relationship appears to be flourishing. Angela is glowing and Seth can't keep that shit eating grin off of his face. I am happy for them but it makes me feel worse about being with Jacob. I feel content and secure, but I am bored.

Jacob and I are on our way to Angela's for game night. Yippee! Yeah…that's me being sarcastic.

We are in my car and I have XM on the Boneyard channel. "Amazing" starts playing by Aerosmith and again I am reminded of Jazz. My throat constricts at the memory of the last time Jazz was in my car. He had grabbed my iPod and selected this song.

"Can we turn this down a bit? Geez, I can't even hear myself think." Jacob says.

_What??_ My volume was on level five…of, like, fifty!

He doesn't wait for me to answer but turns it down to level two. I can barely hear the damn song now. Oh for the love of all that is holy. How the hell did I end up with someone that doesn't like music - of all damn things?

Since there is no music to listen to I decide on conversation. When searching for a topic I think about something I had pondered earlier in the week. "Hey, Jake? What do you think about us taking some motorcycle lessons?"

"Why? You don't have a motorcycle." He says.

_Well, no fucking duh._

"I know. I don't have one because I don't know how to drive one. Maybe if I did, I would have one." I know I sound condescending but I don't really care.

I can tell he is done discussing the subject so I move on to my next suggestion. "Well, what about bungee jumping or cliff diving?"

"What is up with you Bella?" He is looking at me like I am crazy.

_I am going crazy. Don't you see that?_

I know he isn't measuring up because I keep on comparing him to Jazz and who could possibly contend with an angel?

_What am I going to do?_ I. Cannot. Move. On.

^^^^^^^^^********************^^^^^^^^^^^

It was a few weeks ago that I had asked Jacob to join me in motorcycle lessons and I am still really peeved that he just blew me off.

When we went over to Angela's that night and we are all sitting around the kitchen table playing our second game of scrabble, there is laughter and conversation aplenty…which I contribute to…but I have this nagging feeling of being left out. It is like I don't fit in with them. I try to shake it off but the feeling lingers. I am not alone…but I am lonely.

That was a week ago, and the feeling hasn't completely disappeared and I am starting to wonder if it ever will. Tonight is another game night. Seth, Angela and Jacob are coming over to my house tonight and Jake offered for me to cook. When I explained for the umpteenth time that I don't cook and that I would order pizza, Jacob just laughed it off and said that I would need to learn sometime.

He asked me to make fajitas, which is his favorite, but I didn't feel like making fajitas, so I found this recipe on-line for chicken fettuccini. That seems easy enough.

I had an off-site conference today on "Budgeting Methodologies". My annual gynecological exam was more enticing than that seminar was. The speaker was so monotone and the subject so boring, that for the four long hours the speech lasted, I found myself going over the different ways I could fuck up chicken and noodles.

I came up with twenty-three ways.

There are a few things that I need to pick up to make my dish tonight so I search for a grocery store in this unfamiliar area. I find a Wingert's which I am pretty sure is one. I park and run in. I am relieved when I walk in the door to see that I was correct in my assumption, I grab a cart and start hunting through aisles for my ingredients. I am almost done, so I pull the recipe out of my purse to make sure I haven't missed anything. Perusing the list I see that I have everything but the mushrooms. I pick my head up and my world stops.

_What are the fucking chances?_ My angel. My dream and my nightmare, my happiness and my depression, my lover and my stranger.

He has a plastic bag in his hand and he is picking apples and tossing them in the bag. I can only see the back of him but there is not a sliver of uncertainty that this is him.

_Should I go talk to him? Is there any way that I could leave her without talking to him?_

I make my way over to him and I stop about five feet away from him and stare at his back waiting for him to turn and acknowledge me. What if he doesn't recognize me? Stupid Bella, of course, he will. He's not turning around and I am getting very nervous, anticipating his reaction. I decide that before I hyperventilate that I should make the first move.

"Hey stranger." I say shakily. He visibly stiffens at the sound of my voice and his hands are now frozen. He slowly turns to me and his eyes look…scared. His eyes find my face and I watch as they darken a couple of shades.

Oh, the memories come rushing back of the times I had with him when his eyes were that color…hmmm. Pain and pleasure hit me at once.

Everything I feel for him, that I have previously tried to tamp down, comes flooding to the surface. But this time it is much stronger, the feelings have intensified over time because I know just what I have lost…what I am missing now…what I want so fucking desperately to have back.

"Bella." He says breathlessly. _Oh, fuck…fuck…fuck me._ The sound of his voice, saying my name makes my heart flutter.

_Well, he remembers my name. That's a good sign, right?_

"Hi, Jazz…how are you?" I am taking in as much of him as I possibly can and he is doing the same. His eyes are roaming over me again and again. I note that he looks like he has lost some weight, his cheeks are a little sunken, there are dark circles under his eyes, his hair is in disarray and he looks like he hasn't shaven in a couple of days. He looks amazingly, heartbreakingly, perfect.

He looks back into my eyes and his face is wary. "Great Bella, how are you?"

"Yeah…me too." I know he is lying, just as I am.

His eyes are mesmerizing me, his smell hypnotizing, his lips entrancing. Everything about Jazz draws me in. Making me remember things…feelings and desires…unrequited love and frustration.

I want to put my hand on his stubbled cheek, bring his face down to mine, brush my thumb over his lips as I kiss both his tired eyes shut. I want to hold him in my arms as I ask him what is wrong. What has happened in his life to make him look so worn? What can I do to make him better?

He clears his throat to bring me out of my reverie. "Bella, I have got to get going…" He trails off and he looks at me sadly.

"Don't go…not yet." I say quickly, he looks agitated for a moment and I look away, not wanting to see the irritation. Stalling for precious time, I mumble, "So what are you making for dinner?" I try to act light hearted, as if my heart isn't beating out of my chest. My eyes drift to his shopping cart perusing his purchases. Cat food, a bag of chips, butter, Pepsi, flour…

"Bella…" He starts and then pauses to rake his hands through his beautiful hair. His eyes look tortured. "I can't…I can't do this with you. I have too much going on right now and I can't go through this again." He says, waving his hand between the two of us.

_What did he mean by that?_

"What do you mean by that?" I ask.

"You're going to make me actually say it?" He says angrily. "What is with you Bella? It was pretty clear that the thing between me and you was completely one-sided. Right?"

Wow. I am at a loss for words. He just cut right to the chase and came right down to the issue. My infatuation. So he knows…the secret is out, the fucking beans have been spilt. I was obsessed. Is he trying to humiliate me? I always figured it was one-sided but to hear him confirm that the feelings were never mutual is devastating.

"Goddammit Bella, just say it…tell me I am right. Tell me you always knew it was." He sounds like he is pleading with me. His eyes have so many emotions going through them and they are so jumbled I can't identify not one of them. It seems like he wants me to deny it and say he is wrong. Why? Will it make him feel better, so he won't think he broke my poor, pathetic heart by falling for him?

I still love him but it is apparent that he doesn't harbor those feelings for me, and he never did. This is a lost cause. I can't convince him to fall for me, not when he has already been with the likes of the blonde beauty. Why should I put myself out there? He has the power to crush me here and now, and I won't allow it. But I won't lie to him, so with all the courage I can muster I give him the answer he isn't looking for.

"Yes…yes, it was one-sided. Okay??" I admit sullenly. Both his hands go through his hair furiously and he turns and faces away from me. Why does he look like he is in so much pain? My heart is the one has been stomped on but the feelings he is emitting is torturing me further.

My eyes instantly fill with tears, I extend my hand automatically, wanting to touch his back in some form of consolation but I fear the rejection I know will come immediately.

"Jazz…" I plead, completely drained. I am raw and I am looking for the least bit of affection. I haven't stopped thinking about him and I just want some recognition that he cared even the slightest.

He dispels that quickly. He doesn't turn around but says throatily. "Bella, just leave…please." I pull my hand back like it had been burned. I stand paralyzed. I know I need to walk away but my feet won't move. His head is bent down and his hands are clenched at his sides.

I know that I am the only one that had feelings in this relationship but I still didn't want to end it this way for both of our sakes. I didn't want him feeling guilty about this later. But if I stay, will he embarrass me further by bringing up my fascination of him? I don't care. "Jazz…" I start again, and again he interrupts me. "Please Bella. Leave me with some sanity…please, goddammit." He whispers the last part.

With the frantic sound of that plea I flee from him. I scurry to grab the mushrooms that I need for my dish and then try to find the shortest line. I realize that I forgot kitty litter, something I would absolutely need. I turn my cart back to the pet aisle and then return to line within seconds. I keep my head down not wanting to make contact with anyone, not wanting anyone to notice the tears on the verge of falling in rapid torrents down my face.

I glance up through my lashes so that I don't bump into anyone. I pick the closest check out line to the fruit aisle and I bravely lean over my cart to see if he is still there. I didn't see anyone…him…but why would I? How long does it take to gather some apples and move on? But as I started to turn back to the check out something catches my eye. I run over to it, leaving my purchases in line and when I reach the apple display I inspect the abandoned grocery cart. I recognize the contents. They are Jazz's items. The apples have been left in the plastic bag on top of the display. He just left them there.

_Is it because of me? Of course it is, but what does it mean?_ My mind makes quick work of going through our brief reunion again and everything that was said.

Then I fucking wake up.

_You have got to be kidding me?_ If I am right than I have fucked this up so royally.

When he said it was one-sided I am now pretty sure that he was saying that he is the one that had the feelings and not me. How could I have misinterpreted that?

Worse yet, how could he not have noticed that I had been falling in love with him?

What seemed so obscure before now, appeared to be a clear as a goddamn day.

Forgetting my purchases in line I run outside and I scan the parking lot for the last vehicle I saw him driving, a black Envoy. I don't see it.

With a slumped posture, dragging feet, and a hurting heart I go back in to pay for my purchases…and his apples.

I can't believe I lost him again!

On my way home I promise myself that if I ever get lucky enough to see Jazz again I will not leave until he knows exactly what my feelings are, regardless of my fear of getting my heart trampled.

There is another thing I promise myself on the way home.

I am not pretending to be happy for anyone else anymore.

* * *

**AN: I really liked how this chapter went. Let me know what you thought.**


	23. Changes

**AN: Thank you for reading, reviewing, adding me to your fav's and alerts. Your support of this story truly amazes me.**

**I want to thank everyone for adding me to their communities. I was just added to ****MaitresseStAndrie ****community called "Totes J/B". She has already got a lot of great fic's in there, and you can count on her to pick the best. She really knows a good one when she reads it because she is also a fantastic writer. Check out her profile to read her story "Unbreakable Road" and join her community so you can get the best of J/B delivered right to your email.**

**I do not own twilight or any of its characters.**

* * *

**Changes - Tesla**

_Faces, strange faces cloud my mind  
Empty traces, make it hard for me to find  
Somewhere in the distance, is there someone who awaits  
For that moment I am taken over by the hands of fate  
Can't you see, the world is changin' me_

_Nothin' ever stays the same, it's always gonna change  
I'm on my way, yeah yeah_

**Chapter 23**

Recognition.

Realization.

Reclassification.

Redemption…_ahh, sweet fucking redemption_.

This week my mind is doing some very much needed housecleaning. There are too many people controlling my life, at present - and I am taking it back; effective immediately.

I am starting with what I consider the easiest of my tasks associated with brain scrubbing. Charlie. As I sit in his driveway behind his cruiser I think briefly of what I am going to say.

After spending a lot of time thinking about this from his point of view, in truth, I can find little fault with what he did. Parents are always trying to do what is best for their children and there are many times they aren't right in their decisions. And that night, Charlie had displayed a protectiveness only a father can feel for a daughter.

Charlie always has a hard time showing emotion, and I don't think he has ever shown me that he loves me more than doing what he did for me that night.

Right or wrong. I can't and won't hold this against him any longer. I am at the point where I can't wait to tell him that I forgive him and give him a long overdue "I love you".

Obviously, he can't wait either, because he has since stepped out onto his little porch, and is patiently waiting for me to exit my car.

Looking at his expectant, but wistful face makes my stomach twist. _How much turmoil have I put him through this year?_ With no desire to put this off any more, I run to him and throw my arms around his neck. I didn't realize that I have started balling. Charlie is holding me tight and croons, "Shhh, Bells, please don't cry." He leads me into the house that I grew up in and goes into the small kitchen to fetch me a glass of water.

He sits down next to me on his small sofa and grabs my hand. "How have you been doing Bells? I have been so worried about you…that maybe…what we talked about may have set you back or something. I didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to wait." He shrugs nonchalantly, but his face is etched with despair.

"I know, Dad. I'm sorry I haven't come by sooner. There has just been a lot of stuff going on and I have been trying to deal with all of this information, y'know?" I pat the hand that is holding mine.

He nods his head in agreement. "Dad, I know we don't say it often enough and nothing you can do will ever change it…I love you." I choke up again and try to stop the flowing tears. I notice that Charlie's eyes are also misty. "I love you too Bells. More than anything."

"I know that. I do know that, now." We manage smiles for each other.

I can tell that we are both sick of crying and being sad, so as our gazes remain on each other I start laughing. _Laughing_. My laugh is infectious and he begins to laugh too. For what? Neither of us probably knows for sure. It was most likely because the massive wall that had been between us has now collapsed and turned into dust, disappearing, as if it never existed.

When is the last time I laughed with my dad? Charlie stands up, a cheerful expression on his face. He is ready to move on with his life too; to try and get past this. I want to transmit to him that I have the exact same feelings.

"Look, I just pulled a Digiorno out of the oven. Have you eaten?" He asks.

"No. I would love a piece." We get up and head toward the kitchen.

As we sit down and start eating I observe little things, like some knick knacks behind the sink and some kitchen towels hanging from the cabinets with flowers and fruit on them. My brows come together as I contemplate the possibilities.

_This is extremely suspicious._ "What's up with the knick knacks, dad?

He looks at me sheepishly. "Well, Bella, um…I started…um…seeing someone…a while ago."

_What??? Seriously?_

"Dad, that is freakin' awesome…Oh, my God. Do I know her?" I am flabbergasted. Wow. I just realize that I have left my chair and am towering over him, waiting for him to answer my question.

My dad has been alone for so long, it will be so nice not to have to worry about him finding someone…or wondering if he will always being alone. I could fucking jump up and down I am so happy for him. _Well, what the hell?_ I grab his hands, as he remains seated and jump up and down.

"Tell me…tell me…tell me!!" I nag. Obviously I have reverted back to being eleven years old again.

The grin he exhibits lights up his entire face and a shine to his eyes that I haven't seen in years. It is a sight for sore eyes. He obviously, cares for this woman a great deal. "Bells, please calm down. Sit and I will tell you."

I do as he says, and I take my seat. He hesitates as if he is picking the right words. "Spit it out dad or I am going to start jumping up and down again." I fake like I am getting ready to get up again and he stops me by holding out his hand.

"Okay, Okay…Do you remember Sue Clearwater? She was Harry's wife." I remember her name and I know that her husband died many years ago of a heart attack, but I don't ever remember meeting her.

It doesn't matter as long as I know she is making my dad happy.

"I am so happy for you!" My grin must be from ear-to-ear. I don't remember the last time I felt a smile this wide on my face. It must have been at least a few months ago when…nope, not going there.

"Well, that's not it Bells…we're…kind of…engaged." He winces.

I sit back in my chair, cross my arms over my chest, while I stare down Charlie and take a moment to ponder this. Than I decide, what the hell? I get up and start jumping up and down again, but this time I pull Charlie up and make him jump up and down too. Charlie decides to humor me and here we are, me and my dad, my only family…and the only one I need, dancing around the small kitchen table.

Oh, how I wish there was a fly on the wall that is equipped with a camcorder because I would love to look at this later.

^*^

I think my smile is permanent until I remember my next stop. _Carlisle and Esme_. Fuck! How am I going to do this? I had no plan, this isn't well thought out. I am flying by the seat of my pants here.

I now know that there was no spite, no malicious intent and no selfishness involved in their decision that night. I have just felt that way for so long it is just so hard to see them differently.

The fact is, at the end of the day, they didn't give me the choice. While I can see my dad's biased point of view, I still cannot fathom why they didn't make an effort to reach me before Edward's death.

My anger has receded and developed into a keen hurt. Forgiveness will be forthcoming, but I will not forget. Ever. I will be able to converse with them, even get along, but I will have nowhere near the relationship I had with each of them previously.

I will never again be Emmett's little sis.

I will never again be Alice's BFF, shopping buddy and dress-up doll.

I will never again be Carlisle and Esme's naïve and innocent daughter-in-law.

Our relationships are permanently damaged. Altered, to be nothing more than casual acquaintances…at best. Contact will be minimum, but cordial.

I am sure Charlie has already told them that he had filled me in on everything. I am also sure that they know I would be her to visit them at some point.

When I arrive at there house my palms are sweaty and I am shaking. Nervous does not define the anxiety that I am feeling. _Maybe I am not ready for this._

No…I am taking back control, I remind myself.

_Taking back control. Taking back control. Taking back control._

I repeat it over and over as I walk up the steps to their large upscale house. I take a deep shuttering breath before I ring the doorbell. I wait a few seconds before I hear the vague sound of foot steps on the marble floor and see the foyer chandelier light up.

_Here we go…_

Carlisle is the one who opens the door and immediately steps back to invite me in. His expression is devoid of any emotion as he shows no reaction to seeing his dead son's wife in almost a year. "Hello, Bella. How are you?" He inquires.

I decide for the honest approach. "I don't know how I am doing anymore."

He stares at me for a moment before his eyes soften infinitesimally; he gives me a small smile and nods his head. He hesitantly pulls me in for a warm hug. He lets go to invite me into the sitting room.

Esme is already in the room, sitting on a small settee. The settee faces away from the entryway into the room so I cannot see her expression, but I notice that her back is ramrod straight. The closer I get in my approach I notice that her hands are entwined in a death grip. Her knuckles - white.

_Shit. There will be no making this right._

I move to the loveseat that Edward and I used to read on together. We would lie all over each other pretending to be studying when all we really wanted to do was attack each other. I rub the fabric of the empty seat next to me as I remember. Esme notices the action and quickly averts her moist eyes to a picture window that displays acres of trees.

I know that she will not speak first. Some of the things that I have said to Esme over the past year have been irreversible. It didn't matter what I will say now, nothing will change the reality that I had disrespected her by slamming the door in her face and even going so far as to call her stupid. I wince at the thought.

I am not the only one that would be forgiving, but not forgetting and I had to keep that in mind. They aren't the only ones at fault in this fucked up situation.

"Carlisle and Esme, I really don't know how to begin. I…I guess I can just start by saying that after finding out what had happened that night…I am still suffering from shock. I never thought the reason that you didn't call me would be that Edward didn't want me there...but…but…you listened to him and that was so, so wrong." My breath hitches when I notice the reaction from Esme and Carlisle at the mention of their beloved son's name. Esme grabs her stomach, pain twisting the features of her face. Carlisle is looking out the window casually but his fingers are tapping the sofa arm in frantic, rapid motion, trying to maintain his pretense.

_Didn't they ever talk about it…about him?_ It is clear that they are not healing. Fuck!

I have been so selfish! Did I think that I had been the only one experiencing the excruciatingly piercing pain of his loss? The affect that this revelation has on me is a staggering one.

Tears are streaming down my face now, but I ignore them and press on, because I am desperate now to get this all out.

"But…but I was wrong too." I wail. "I didn't listen to you, I wouldn't answer your pleas to resolve this, and instead I was belligerent and rude. I offended you and your family on a daily basis when you had been going through equal amounts of pain yourselves." I pause to wipe my eyes and catch my breath from my outburst.

"I don't know how to atone for that and I don't know if I will be able to fully understand why you didn't allow _me_ to make the decision to override Edward's declaration. You took that away from me but all I know is that I can't move on until this has been resolved to the best of our abilities."

Carlisle is now standing up, facing the window. Esme has resumed her straight posture but is now lightly crying. I can't work up the will to go to her, as much as I would like to, I will not find comfort there and I am sure she won't want me to anyway.

I stand up, I have said what I came to say and I am determined to leave on a good note. "But I will say thank you for what you did give me. You gave me your son. The son you made together, the son you raised together. He was a fine man and I will miss him until the end of my days."

I walk up to Esme, bend down and kiss her on the cheek. "You gave him your bronze hair and green eyes. You made him compassionate, loving, considerate, sensitive and kindhearted."

I walk up to Carlisle and clutch his arms. "You gave him your height, your nose, and cheekbones. You made him intelligent, strong, goal-oriented and dependent."

"Thank you, for all of that." I finish.

I stride swiftly out the door and almost make it to my car before I hear, "Wait!" I turn to see Esme running toward me.

She takes me into her strong arms and then pulls away, but still holding on to my arms. "You, Bella, gave him things too. You gave him the moon, the sun and the stars. You were the love of his life, the love of all time. You had just as much a part in making him who he was."

I wrap my arms around her and we cry in each others arms. I cry for the loss of Edward, my ignorance of the impact that it had on everyone else around me and relief…relief that this feud is finally over. I glance up to see Carlisle leaning one arm on the window with his head down.

I feel so bad for them. _Please, start healing_. I beg for them.

I really feel like I am.

^*^

It floors me that Esme had said that I was the love of Edward's life because it was as true as true can be. I was the one and only for Edward, but I know now that it won't be the same for me.

So, I have finally finished the three steps that needed to be achieved before I could give myself completely to Jacob. To be a "whole woman" again. I took my wedding ring off, I gave up Jazz and I had forgiven everyone.

I am too young to be alone for the rest of my life, and there is something to be learned from the disasterpiece that was last weekend when I saw Jazz at that grocery store, and that is that I refuse to have the runner up. I want the winner. I don't want normal and I don't want safe. I want _everything_.

And after all has been said and done, and the goals have been accomplished, what the fuck am I left with?

That is the burning goddamn question.

The answer: A lukewarm relationship, with a healthy dose of tepid sex, and a cold fucking look at reality. I sigh.

My changes are not complete.

Recognition. Realization. Reclassification. Redemption… I repeat again.

When I get home Jacob is waiting in the driveway. He has a bag of movies and popcorn. I forgot with everything going on that Angela and Seth are coming over for movies. I just want to soak in the fucking tub and hit the hay. I am spent and my head is throbbing.

I guess what I need to say to Jacob will have to wait until later. What is another night of acting out this charade?

^*^

We are into the second movie when the doorbell rings. Jacob is the closest one to the door so he opens it. It's Alice. He moves aside so she can come in and she takes a couple of wary steps, waiting to see my reaction. I give her a tentative smile and her face lights up. I notice Jacob is behind her and is checking out her backside, but it doesn't bother me. She comes in further and wraps her small arms around me. Jacob's eyes finally travel to mine and they have a question mark in them.

I remove myself from Alice and she turns to look at Jacob and then back at me, silently asking for an introduction.

"Jake, this is Alice, she is…" I trail off. _What is she now?_

"I am her friend." Alice finishes for me as she holds her hand out to Jacob for a handshake.

I then hook a finger at Jacob. "Um, this is my…friend, Jake." Jacob raises his brows at my choice of words and takes Alice's hand. Except he doesn't shake it, he brings it up to his mouth and kisses it.

I really hope he isn't trying to make me jealous. I smile internally. _It's not going to work._

I introduced Jacob as a friend, because that's all he is and that is all he is ever going to be. I am elated that I have finally figured the main source of my discontent and ecstatic when I realize the farce is about to be over.

Jacob is perfect. He is sensitive, charming, friendly and hot. He is always there for me…just like he said he would…but he isn't perfect for me. I didn't get to choose who I fell in love with and unfortunately it isn't Jacob.

I mentally shrug and ask Alice if she wants to join us. She accepts and sits down next to Jacob. They are chatting throughout the movie and Angela keeps on looking from them to me anxiously.

I notice the popcorn bowls are empty so I go in to make more. Angela shows up to help.

"Bella, why is your ex-sister in law hitting on your current boyfriend?" She asks.

"Is she? Because it kinda looks like it is going both ways." I respond.

"Well, are you going to do anything about it?"

I glance at her and then back at the popping corn as it cooks in the microwave.

"No." I start to walk away and she detains me by touching my arm. "Why not? Bella, you can't let her get away with it." Again, I notice that she is only blaming Alice.

"Why Angie? They both seem to be enjoying themselves and I don't think that Jake and I ever said we were exclusive." I know we have never said we are exclusive but I think the last month or so it has been assumed that we are.

"You know that's bullshit, Bella. You guys are made for each other." She replies. Now I am royally pissed.

"No, Angie. I think he is made for you." I am too mad to stop because I finally realize why I have been graced with all of Angela's pep talks, and additional "support". _My fucking ass!_

"He is made for this little fucking world that you have built around us, but did you ever consider my feelings." I lower my voice so they can't hear in the next room. "When I needed you, you were thinking about yourself. You could tell I was starting to get depressed and was unsatisfied, but instead of helping me, like a real friend, you fed me line after line about Jake and I being the ideal couple. And why Angie? I will tell you. Because it was convenient for you. I am sorry if I ruin your fucking game night."

I look hard at her. I look at her like she better tell me the fucking truth. "Tell me Angie, do you really think we are really _perfect_ for each other?"

A tear slides down her cheek and I start feeling real damn guilty.

_Fuck_! I don't want to do this tonight, but she's baiting me and I am not in a mood that anyone wants to mess with.

I know Angela and I were going to eventually have this conversation but I didn't expect it to be with others in the next room.

"Angie…" I start but she interrupts me. "No." She declares. _No, what?_

She plops down in a kitchen chair. "No Bella, you and Jake are not perfect for each other. You are so right. I could tell that you were unhappy; I thought I was helping you, but I was only helping myself. I didn't want to ruin what we all had."

"Just because Jake and I won't be together doesn't mean that you and Seth will break up too." I reason.

I sit down, exhausted, in the chair next to her and she immediately reaches out and grasps my hands. "Bella, I am so fucking sorry. What can I do to make this up to you?"

_Help me find my angel._

I lay my head down on the table and groan, completely defeated by that thought. "There is nothing for you to do, but support me in my decision."

As if she had read my previous thought, "Bella, can you go to him? Is it too late?"

_Oh God, I am so fucking tired._

"I have tried several times. He is nowhere to be found." I lie, because I really, really didn't want to rehash the events of last weekend. The actuality is that I screwed up – again, and I had no way of finding him to do some damage control.

Seth came into the kitchen. "We were wondering if you guys were ever going to come out of the kitchen." He stops in transit when he notices our positions. I still have my head on the table; Angela is holding my hands and her eyes and nose are red.

She stood up quickly. "Seth, Bella and I are both really tired. Let's take off and go back to my place."

After Seth and Angela leave Alice starts to rise intending to depart as well, but I waylay her. I do not want to have this talk with Jacob tonight. She stays for about an hour longer; catching me up and then I tell her about Charlie's engagement. We went over some wedding ideas that she wants me to pass on to Charlie and Sue and I tell her I will relay the information. Alice is high into fashion and design and planning weddings is right up her alley. She knows where to get the best quality at the best prices. I am sincere in what I say because I know that Alice's expertise will be an asset in many ways to the planning.

I have stalled long enough, and when Alice yawns I allow a lull in our conversation so she can leave.

After Alice is gone Jacob helps me clean up because he is good like that. However, I am not persuaded in changing my course.

"Jacob, we need to talk." I murmur.

The look on his face is a sign that he knows what I want to talk about.

* * *

**AN: Okay, so Bella's demons are gone. FINALLY!! She is completely free to move on with her life. Oh baby. You know we all write to hear your comments, so take a few seconds to tell me what you think. **

**Do you guys think it's time we bring Jazzy back? If I get more comments than ever I promise that Jazz will be in ALL of the next 5 chapters with at least 3 lemons. So even if you don't have any comments on the chapter tell me what you think of the story so far. **


	24. I Go Crazy

**AN: OK, so you guys more than met the review challenge that I put out there. I knew you would but if you knew me at all by now then you knew I would have given it to you regardless. So what I did on top of giving you Jazz for the next 5 chaps (w/3 lemons) I added two additional chapters to the story (32 chaps instead of 30) and I combined chapter 24 and chapter 25. Yes, this chapter was actually supposed to be two different ones. I put a page break when this chapter was supposed to be over. **

**Thanks to everyone for reviewing last chapter - you are truly the best!**

**I also want to acknowledge and thank all of the readers outside of the US. I had quite a few people put my story on alert or in the fav's this week that are in other countries. It blows my mind that people are literally reading this little story I wrote all over the world.**

**I bow down to QueenBeta Cullen818. (Remember to check out her profile and blog. The third story of her trilogy just came out - so don't be the minority and go check it out)**

**I do not own Twilight or any of it's characters.**

* * *

**I Go Crazy - Paul Davis**

_I realize that I was blind  
Just when I thought I was over you  
I see your face and it just ain't true  
No it just ain't true_

_I go crazy  
When I look in your eyes I still go crazy  
That old flame comes alive, it starts burning inside  
Way deep down inside  
Oh baby, you know when I look in your eyes I go crazy_

**Chapter 24**

It has been six months since I broke up with Jacob. It was surprisingly easy to do. It seems that he had realized that I had only existed in our relationship. The break up was amicable and more than I could have expected.

Jake had even made the comment that our relationship had been doomed from the beginning, and the break up was inevitable since he was my first relationship after Edward. I agreed but I knew deep down that Jacob had been my second.

He was right about being the rebound relationship though – just not for Edward. We separated ways and we both asked about each other occasionally to our respective friends.

I never really figured out at which point I had stopped mourning Edward and started mourning Jazz. I almost think it was even before Jazz and I broke it off.

_Talk about doomed._

My life is seemingly returning somewhat to normal. I work as hard as ever. When Mike had found out that Jacob and I broke up he tried to ask me out once again and I refused, using the same reasons I had the first time. _Was he not listening to me before? Nothing had changed since the last time. He was still my boss._ In any case, the entire scene was irritating and I hope that we don't have to have that conversation again.

I just left from a meeting I had with him and several other executives. He continued to throw me puppy dog eyes at every opportunity. I find it is very difficult to present materials to upper management under those circumstances, so I am in my office trying to think of who I can set Mike up with to get him out of my hair when my phone buzzes. It is a text from Alice.

_Hmmm, Alice_…no, Alice would eat Mike alive.

The relationship between Alice and I has improved. We text and send emails and when she is in the area we even meet for lunch occasionally, but we never really "go out".

**A**: Hey B?

**B**: Hey A. What's up? Lunch?

I am hoping that she wants to meet for lunch since I only brought a PB&J sandwich and chips, and even though it sounded like it would fill me up this morning, my growing appetite and noisy stomach is telling me otherwise.

I would ask Angela but she is on vacation this week. Her and Seth decided to go to some resort in the Caribbean to celebrate. Seth just completed his Master's in Engineering and has an internship at Chrysler's, which he starts next week.

There is quite a pause but Alice finally responds.

**A**: I can't I am on the other side of town. I wanted to ask you something.

**B**: OK? Shoot.

**A**: I am hoping you won't mind if I took some swim lessons. Please?

_What???_ Wooow. I don't even know what to think about that. Alice wants sloppy seconds? I decide to bide my time by playing stupid.

**B**: You? Get your hair wet? No way! Why do you want to do that?

**A**: I ran into Jake over the weekend, and I would like to get to know him better, but ONLY if it is okay with you.

_Well there it is._

_Did I care?_ I try to gather some offense, some annoyance, some pain, some anger…

I find I can't scrounge up a scrap of any of those things. I really don't care. I start to type and then I stop.

Well, I did care – as a friend, and I know Alice's track record with men. She goes through them like a monkey goes through bananas. I sidetrack myself with that thought, giggling when I picture a cute little monkey devouring a bunch of bananas. I shake my head and finally return to the phone message.

I can picture Alice tapping her toe, in that irritating way, waiting impatiently for my answer.

**B**: You have my blessing. Just don't hurt him. He did take care of me.

**A**: My intentions are completely honorable. TTYL.

I believe her. If she is willing to get her hair wet for a guy she must see more potential than just a one night stand.

**B**: TTYL.

I put down the phone and sigh. At least somebody is going to be getting some. I hadn't had sex since Jacob and to say that I am horny as hell is an understatement. I had taken care of myself a few times, imagining the last time Jazz and I were together in the shower. Which happens to be my ultimate fantasy.

_God, I still miss him._

I have given up on trying to find him. I stopped going to the area where we met specifically to try to locate him for about three months now. _Where is he? And why am I not over him yet?_

Some of the girls at work invited me out to a bar for some dancing tonight. There will be a local band playing and I hear that they are pretty good. I check the Internet again…hoping…

But the band's website has a picture and I definitely don't see any angels amongst the group.

I think about declining, but I really do need to get back into the dating scene, so I tell them I will go. The girls coming along are huge flirts so there is a good chance that I will be in the midst of several different men throughout the night. My stagnant life needs some rejuvenation, and I am hoping that a little bit of flirting will do wonders.

^*^

Irina, Jane, and I pile into Kate's Navigator and head out to the Royal Oak Music Theatre. We are running late so when we arrive the band is already playing and the drinks are already flowing. As we enter the bar, half-drunk men are checking us out, slurring pick up lines and trying to grab at us.

The dance floor is crowded with patrons eager to listen and watch the band up close. We opt for sitting rather than standing, so we find two small tables and pull them next to each other so that we can all sit together. We haven't been here five minutes before all of us have been approached by a couple different guys each.

It is a couple of songs later that the band decides to take a break, but another band comes out in its place. I am not paying much heed to it because a boy that looks like he is about eighteen is currently hitting on me. I try to ignore him and concentrate on the music.

_Wow, this is a great song._

My full attention is on the band now and I glance up on stage and…oh…my…GOD! I rise from my chair, push the kid aside without so much as an acknowledgment, and head off toward the stage. I bully my way around several more people dancing before I am smack dab in the throng, staring fixedly at my angel.

I study every feature of his face, as he is absorbed in what he is doing. His beautiful hair is hanging low in his eyes, gorgeous blue eyes, that are unfocused as his fingers nimbly pluck the strings of his guitar as his other hand moves up and down the spine of the instrument to hit the various notes.

In the back of my mind I note how good of a musician he is, but at the forefront I am consuming him. His appearance looks rough; he looks older. I didn't think he could get any better looking, but he is truly magnificent. My eyes feast down his length. He looks like he has lost a little weight, but his muscles still stand out in his short-sleeved, thin T-shirt.

The second song is a ballad and I am mesmerized as I watch him stroke his guitar reverently. My eyes move off of him, for the first time since I saw him, when I hear a girl next to me scream to her friend.

"OMG!! That guy is totally hot!" Tramp one yells over the music.

"No kidding! But he has a totally hot girlfriend." Tramp two replies.

I look to see if they are talking about Jazz and sure enough both of their eyes are on him. I back away slowly, so I can assimilate this information and process seeing Jazz again.

I head back to my chair to find that the boy that had been hitting on me has now moved onto Jane. I slowly lower myself into my chair as my thoughts are running wildly through my mind.

_"He has a totally hot girlfriend," tramp two had said. And why wouldn't he? My God. Look at him!_

_Fuckin' A_. My insides feel like they are twisting in knots and my heart feels like it is going to explode. I have to at least say hello. I promised myself the last time I saw him I wouldn't let another opportunity pass.

"Hey, you okay?" Kate leans over to whisper.

I look at her but my mind still isn't in a state to process any additional information so I just stare at her.

"Earth to Bella…" She waves a hand in front of my face, hoping to knock me out of my stupor.

I finally manage to speak weakly. "No, I am fine. I just need to find the restroom. Do you know where it is?"

She points me to toward the back corner of the bar, near the stage. Jazz's band had just finished their set so most likely he would be in one of the rooms back there.

_Please help me_. I plead to myself as I go to search out Jazz. My mind had come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter that he has a girlfriend because if anything, I just want to see him and make sure he is okay…

…and maybe tell him I love him and lock him in my bedroom so he can never leave me again.

Maybe his girlfriend is new and he isn't too attached. Maybe I could steal him away from her if she is not as hot as those tramps think she is. I mean, what did those little girls know?

I find the restroom, but I walk past it down a long hallway. There are several rooms. The doors are shut to most of the rooms but one is slightly open with voices coming out of it.

I glance in and find that all of the members of Jazz's band are present including himself. I walk in tentatively; I struggle with myself to move one foot in front of the other. Jazz is bending down loading his instrument into his case and his back is facing away from me.

Laughter fills the room along with hearty chatter as they talk about the success of the set. I walk in further and notice there are also some women in the room. Some of the guys from the band have noticed me now and I realize that there is no backing out. So I lift my head up and straighten my posture, determined to get through this with a little of my pride intact.

"What can I help you with little lady?" The singer of the band says lewdly. Jazz doesn't bother to turn around to check out whom his band member is flirting with.

"I…I…came…by to s-s-say hi to friend." I stutter stupidly, staring as Jazz's back.

Upon hearing my voice he immediately straightens up, his body tensing, but he doesn't turn around.

"Hi, Jazz." He starts to turn and then out of nowhere the blond goddess from my nightmares is in my face.

_Oh, no. Not her._

_How can I compete with her?_

She moves to stand in between Jazz and I, and get's in my face. "_Jasper_," she stresses, "is busy at the moment. Who the fuck are you?"

There are no words. I can only think about one thing. _Jasper. Jasper. Jasper. He never fucking lied about his name._ I want to wrap my arms around him and never let go.

"Move away, Rosalie." Jasper says warily, but his girlfriend holds her ground.

She moves closer. We are almost nose-to-nose and I refuse to back down even though I know that this chick can wipe the floor with my face. "Listen, you little fucking whore chaser. He doesn't do that anymore. So get lost before I knock all the teeth out of your scummy little head."

I take a step back instinctively from her threat. My face is burning and must be scarlet with embarrassment.

Jasper finally awakens from his trance. "Rosie! STOP!" He fairly screams at her.

She backs off, glaring at me the whole time. I try to forget she is there, and everyone else for that matter, while I gaze into Jazz's eyes. I give him a tiny smile, but he doesn't return it. His body appears to have a relaxed stance, but I see the muscles working in his jaw and his eyes are blue torpedo's.

I am so exhausted when I look at Jazz, thinking about all the time I spent looking for him. It seems like a hundred years, and I have walked a thousand miles to look into this beautiful face.

The silence is getting awkward. I glimpse at Rosalie, who is now seated on top of an amplifier with a satisfied smirk on her face. His mouth is closed tightly so I know that there are no words forthcoming. If he had felt anything for me before, I have no doubt that he no longer has any feelings for me now.

_I can't take this_. My knees are starting to give way and I have this sudden fear of collapsing. I have to get the hell out of here.

"I just came by to tell you that I heard your band tonight and I think you guys are really awesome. My friends and I…well, we really enjoyed it." I couldn't look at his face anymore so I shut my eyes in defeat. "Well, I won't keep you." I mumble with my eyes still shut.

As I turn away I open my eyes to look at him once more and Jazz's mouth is now open, as if he is trying to say something but doesn't have the words and his hand is stretched out between us, and is shaking slightly. His eyes look stormy and glassy, but he says nothing.

_He fucking says nothing. He couldn't give me anything? Any hope?_

I try to move at a normal pace but as the door gets closer my steps get wider and faster.

I rush out the door and shut it. I lean back against the door with my eyes pinched shut and both of my arms wrapped around my abdomen.

_What a mistake._ My sob is unexpected and it scares me in its intensity. It had been building up and could not be contained any longer. I stagger a few feet from the door before I hear a loud bang and crash come from the room Jazz is in.

"Oh God." I exclaim on another sob, running down the hall. I quickly cover my mouth to prevent myself from vocalizing anymore of my torment. My body wants to scream, to wail. I want to hit something, I want to crush something. My body decides to heave and I dive into the bathroom before my stomach releases it contents.

I crouch down in the corner of the bathroom trying to regain control over my body and emotions so I can find the girls and get the hell out of here.

Where did I go wrong? _Was I ever right?_

It is on those pleasant thoughts that the door to the bathroom opens and it is none other than the blond bitch herself.

She opens the doorway only to peer in. She sees me in the corner and enters the room slowly. She shuts and locks the door.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*****EOC******^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I stand up, preparing to defend myself, if need be. She approaches me, but as she gets closer she doesn't look hateful. Her ice blue eyes carry remorse or pity.

"You're her." She says simply. "You're Bella. Aren't you?"

I don't know what I am getting into but I nod my head, confirming her statement.

"Fuck! I am so fucking sorry about what I said back there. I am very protective over my brother. He has been through a lot of shit." She paces the floor.

_She is his sister!_ I could have jumped for joy. Does this mean Jazz has another hot girlfriend or did those tramps come to the same misconception that I did when they saw this woman before me. She is literally in a league of her own.

It all made sense that she is Jazz's sister. They are two of the most beautiful people that I have ever seen in real life.

"What do you mean when you say that he has been through a lot of shit?" I ask.

Rosalie dismisses me with a wave of her hand. "That is not for me to share with you. That is Jazz's story to tell."

She strides toward me and stares long and hard. "Bella, I am sorry that things didn't work out between you two. I just wanted to thank you." She pauses as she grabs my hand. "Thank you for giving me back my brother. He had been so distant for so many years and you brought him back to life. He has changed in so many wonderful ways."

Well, isn't that just fucking great? I should be happy that his life is back on track, that him and his sister have resumed their previous relationship, that he is happy and has moved on, but what did it cost me to give Jazz…Jasper his freedom?

I have been through a lot too. How long is it going to take for me to hit pay dirt? I know I am being selfish but part of me wants to wallow.

She moves to the door and she stops, she turns back to me and tilts her head. "I know at that time, there wasn't too much to like about Jazz, and with what he was doing at the time I can understand why you wouldn't harbor the same feelings for him that he had for you, but you cared about him anyway, didn't you?"

I nod and ask, "What do you mean about having feelings for me? Jazz doesn't…didn't have feelings for me."

She laughs. It is a warm sound and similar to Jazz's. _How could I not have seen the similarities? They are practically twins._

"Bella, he was crazy about you. I mean, I don't know if he still is, because I am not allowed to talk about you, but I know that he was."

"You're wrong." I demand, shaking my head in denial. "He said it was one-sided." I add for proof.

"Yeah, he said that his feelings were one-sided and that you had agreed. I think there are some major communication gaps between you two. I've only known you for about fifteen minutes and I know he was wrong."

"Bella, you should know that the night that he saw you kiss your boyfriend we were out celebrating his retirement from the business. He wanted to date you. He wanted you to be his." She shook her head sadly. "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be." She winks mischievously and exits. Daring me to defy her.

I slowly move to the sink and rinse my face off. I pat my cheeks with a paper towel and throw it away. I glance at my reflection in the dirty mirror.

_What had I done?_

_Goddammit!_

How much time have I fucking wasted with my terrible mistake? One more night, that was all I needed. If Jacob and I were scheduled to go to that concert any other fucking night, Jazz and I would have been together this whole time. He was celebrating for fucksakes. He was giving it up – for me. Maybe Rosalie is right, maybe we aren't meant to be.

_Well, now that just doesn't fucking work for me._

This shit stops now. I leave the bathroom determined. I start toward the room Jazz was in but I stop and turn around thinking that I should probably check in with the girls and let them know where I will be.

I take a couple steps the other way.

"What are you doing here?" I swivel around when I hear my angels voice, thick with his southern accent. He is angry.

He stalks up to me and grabs my arms roughly, but contradicts himself by shaking me gently. "Answer me." He hisses. My eyes go wide with shock and I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out.

He is watching my lips before he squeezes his eyes shut. When he finally opens them they are filled with moisture. I gasp and he immediately let's me go like he has been burned and takes a step back.

"I was… I am doing fine Bella."

_Oh no. We are not doing this again._ I take a step toward him, and it is his turn for his eyes to go wide.

"No. No you're not." I hadn't realized that tears are streaming down my face in a steady flow, but I am smiling. I don't know what this man has been through but I do know that I want to be a part of his life, and when he feels comfortable he can tell me all about it.

But there is one thing I know for sure, I won't leave here without him.

My mind is screaming for me to say that. _Tell him how you feel dumb ass. Tell him that you haven't forgotten him and that you love him and that you don't want to be apart again._

_Open your fucking mouth goddammit._

I don't have any more time because all of sudden he grabs my arms again. There is a tight expression on his face and his jaw muscle is moving spasmodically. "Are they guys or girls?"

_Huh?_

I am perplexed and I am trying to decode his statement when he gets impatient. "Your friends…are they guys or girls?"

Still confused, I wonder if he wants to know if I am here with a guy. He growls in apparent frustration and backs me into a wall.

He stares at my lips, clearly a battle going on in his head. He looks at me with resolve. "Fuck it. It doesn't matter Bella…it doesn't fucking matter."

His lips crash down on mine. They feel so damn soft and wonderful, but he doesn't want to be gentle, his tongue forces its way into my mouth as if it is desperately searching for its soul. I respond by rubbing my tongue along his. A moan escapes him and he lets go of my arms to snake them around my waist. My hands immediately go to his face and then slide into his soft blond curls.

The kiss slows down, our tongues languorously swirling and dancing together. His hands frame the sides of my face, our eyes are gazing into one another's as he takes my upper lip into his mouth and then does the same thing with my lower lip.

The kiss stops but our mouths are within an inch. We stare at each other, sad and happy at the same time. Sad that we had lost precious time, but happy that we are able to finally be together.

To finally answer his question I look at him deeply. "Girls, Jasper. I am with girls."

His head falls into the crook of my neck and I wrap my arms around him tight. I can feel light butterfly kisses all along my neck, jaw and ear.

_My angel._

"I missed you." He whispers urgently into my neck.

"Not as much as I have missed you." I whisper back.

He brings his head up for another scorching kiss. He lifts me off of the ground and I wrap my legs around his body.

"Bella?" _Shit._

I turn to see Kate looking at me strangely and I smile. She smiles back – a wicked grin. "Well, who's this?" She says as if she is going to try and steal him away.

Looking at Jasper I say, "He's my boyfriend." _At last._

Jasper looks at Kate and then back at me. It seems like he is gauging my expression to see if I am just joking.

The look that I try to convey to him is complete sincerity and utter promise.

He responds with a shy smile and buries his head in my shoulder again as we hug tightly.

Kate chuckles. "I think you have had way to much to drink my friend."

I can feel Jasper's shoulders shake with silent mirth and I join him in full out laughter.

I am home. I am finally home.

* * *

**AN: Woohoo. They are finally together! They almost fucked it up again, but thanks to Rosalie we have fluff coming up before we get back to the drama. So what do you guys think of my Rosie, so far? A couple of you asked me in Finding Forgiveness why I chose Hale over Whitlock and now you know why. Rosalie Whitlock didn't sound right. I love Whitlock way more than Hale but it didn't fit into the story.**

**Remember to thank me for not cutting it off when Rose locked Bella in the bathroom. That would have been mean - and totally something I would have done.**


	25. Fallin' Faster

**AN: OK people I told you all I sucked at fluff but you wanted it anyway. I am going to try to get through the next couple chapters quick so we can get back to the good stuff. Thank you for all of the reviews. Your comments truly rock my world.**

**If you guys never listen to my music you at least have to listen to the song I selected for this chapter. This whole CD is awesome.**

**Also some people took my advice and created some Jasper/Bella human fics. Support "all human" Jasper love and go check them out.**

**Carousel by Lilly Monroe**

**Somebody to Love by mommybrook (not all-human but very good.)**

**What Lies Beneath by Becky03**

**Carousel by Anadabyel**

**I don't own Twilight or any of the characters.**

* * *

**Fallin' Faster – Burn Halo**

_I've never said these words before  
You're the one that I adore  
My angel in disguise  
Heaven sent you here to me  
I know that baby we could be something perfect_

_Believe me  
This could be our chance  
Believe me  
Cause its you I want and it's you I've gotta have_

_Please let me keep on falling  
I'm falling faster everyday for you  
Please let me keep on falling  
Cause I know you'll catch me when I do  
I need someone  
Someone to hold on to  
And if I'm gonna fall in love  
I wanna fall in love with you_

**Chapter 25**

When we get to his place clothes are flying. We can't rip them off each other fast enough. His hands are everywhere. My hands are everywhere. All five senses are on high alert; the _smell_ of coffee and mint fills my nose, the _sound_ of his sweet murmurs and soft hums, the _taste_ of his soft lips and velvet tongue as we delve into each other's mouths, _seeing_ his soft blue eyes turn to midnight blue, the _feel_ of his blond curls running through my fingers.

I am relishing each and every emotion surfacing between us. Our hearts our pounding, our breathing is labored; our eyes are hot for each other, conveying all the intensity that we share between us. Most importantly, it's the both of us together, sharing the feelings, showing that this is a mutual attraction, adoration and affection for each other.

This isn't one-sided. It was never one-sided. His hands are on my breasts, massaging feverishly. He steals the moan from my mouth as our tongues collide and do battle. I grope his back and push my body further into his, trying to fuse them together.

Not satisfied anymore with this minute contact I reach down between us and stroke his very erect member, the tip already beaded with moisture. His head falls back and he lets go of a feral groan.

"Please Bella." He says urgently.

_What the fuck do you want angel? I'll give it to you. I'll give you anything and everything._

Moving us over to the bed and lying on top of me; pressing his straining arousal into my thigh as he rotates his hips with his need of friction and release. I arch my scorching pussy up into his waiting hand and we both groan at the contact. He thrusts two fingers inside me. I scream out at the urgent and possessive contact.

There won't be any pleasantries tonight, not this time. We have waited to long to be with each other and the need is too great. But there is tomorrow, and the next day, and the fucking next.

He goes up on his knees, ogling me from head to toe. Gazing at him like this, in the dim light, is breathtaking. The soft light is coming from behind him making him look ethereal. All he is missing is the fucking halo. _My_ angel.

_He is mine. He is all fucking mine!_

His hair is disheveled, his eye's are at half mast, blazing with love and desire, his lips open, staring at me openly with emotions oozing out. Could anyone display any more passion than he is right now? I don't think so.

His naked body is fucking beautiful. A masterpiece. His chest is rising and falling at a fast pace. His flat abdomen quivers as I let my fingertips graze the skin there. His gorgeous cock, fuck, standing proud, thick and heavy with need.

"Darlin', I need you." He whispers. Music to my ears.

_Mine_, I think possessively again.

God, I have got to cum now. I need him inside of me. He moves to get off the bed, but I stop him by grabbing onto his throbbing cock. He lets out a strangled moan but for some reason it sounds muffled…blurry…

Wait a minute. What are we doing _here_?

Better yet, what is my dad doing here? And why is he wearing a _pink tutu_? Huh?

_Oh, Goddammit._

_Wake the fuck up, Bella!_

I roll over and groan into my pillow as my fist pounds the bed in total and complete frustration. I open my eyes to confirm that, yes, I am all alone.

"Dammit, Dammit, Dammit." I whine.

I trudge to the kitchen. I put some bread in the toaster and then feed the cats.

I sit at the kitchen table chewing petulantly on my toast as I contemplate my current status and wondering how the hell I am going to make it through another fucking day pretending it is okay that I am NOT GETTING LAID.

Jasper and I have been together for two goddamn months and he still hasn't touched me below the neck. I know that he has good intentions, and while that is all fine and fucking dandy I am ready to kick this relationship up a notch.

After the night that we had reunited we hung out at the bar together enjoying each other and the music. When we managed to keep our lips off each other we were asking one another twenty questions, and then some. We learned simple things about each other. I was very careful not to bring up anything too personal yet. I didn't want to frighten him by asking him about something he wasn't ready to reveal.

I decided I would be very patient with him about that. Well, that _was_ the case, until he said that he wanted to wait to have sex until I got to know him better. Some of his secrets, I supposed.

I know he is just as frustrated as I am. I very rarely have an evening with him where he isn't sporting a boner for most of the night. But he is determined to prove that our relationship is not just sexual. And it isn't. The more we come to know each other, the more we realize how much we have in common. I have even more in common with Jasper than I did with Edward.

We both have cats. We like the same movies, same bands, and food. We both like darts and pool, we have the same mentality, the same sense of humor. We have the same hopes for the future.

We do everything together. We go to shows and movies, concerts and bars with friends. I watch him practice with his band and accompany him to his gigs. We go out with Angela and Seth.

We are the picture perfect, happy couple. Anyone that observes the two of us together knows we are crazy about each other and has to think that we must be fucking like rabbits.

_Oh, how I want that._

Well, not quite. I don't want to _fuck_ Jasper. I am ready to _make love_ to him. I want to show him how much I love him.

I love him more each and every day we spend together. He is charming, funny, boyish, playful, he is compassionate, sensitive, caring, loving, he adores my cats, and I his. He even tolerates my attempts at cooking when he is practically a chef in the kitchen.

He is still moody on occasion, but I am always able to lift his spirits and make him smile.

He is my perfect partner, and I know it.

_So why doesn't he?_

We haven't had a fight or even a tiff yet and that kind of worries me. It's not that I am worried that Jasper will run out on me or I him, but we are both not the best at facing arguments in the most efficient way.

I have not told him that I love him yet. I don't want to scare him away. Jasper has issues when it comes to being worthy. He is working on it and he is alot better, but he still doesn't feel like he deserves me, and now I know why.

About a month ago I brought up the subject again about having sex. _Go figure_. He sighed and said that we needed to talk. We turned down the radio, sat on the sofa and he went through his entire life; growing up in Texas, his parents, Rosalie, what happened with Claire, Sarah, James and pretty much his life up until a month ago.

When he was done I was quiet. I had no idea what to say. Jasper had told me some horrific things and he blamed himself for a lot of events that were not under his control and while that would be obvious to most, Jasper had been tormented by numerous judgmental people who had no facts, just small details and warped imaginations.

While his family moved away from Texas and the censure for Jasper's benefit it did little to assuage the guilt that plagued him on a daily basis, which had only been compounded with James. Rosalie didn't help the situation when she blamed Jasper for her having to move away from her school, friends and warm climate.

Both of the major incidents in Jasper's life were not his fault. But to deny his involvement would be futile and senseless. Jasper was linked to both, but could not have prevented either of the two from occurring.

Jasper and Rosalie started attending counseling about three months ago. Rosalie told me that, between James and I, we were the catalysts that convinced Jasper to finally take the steps to deal with his issues. She said that I had made him want to be a better man. Be whole.

The counseling, Rosalie said, has restored their past relationship almost completely. In some ways she considered them even closer now than before. Claire had torn them apart and now talking about her is mending them.

I knew he has yet to forgive himself. In his head, it is guilt by association. He will always carry that blame with him.

Jasper had also started attending school at MSU six months ago, pretty much right after I saw him at the grocery store. Again, Rosalie claimed it was my doing.

He is in a program to become a social worker and even though he still has issues of his own to work through, I know that he will be able to assist a lot of young kids that have problems, and help them not to fall into the spiral of destruction and despair that he did. With Jasper's compassion, fervor and experience this was the ideal career path for him.

I shared the details of my life with Jasper as well. He knew about Edward, Jacob, Charlie, the Cullen's and all of the struggles that I have had to face.

So now all of the secrets were out. We held nothing back from each other, but still - no sex.

In all of the months that I had previously gone without sex, it is nothing compared to these last two months. Being with Jasper, but not being with Jasper has my head spinning. Everything he says is a turn on, every expression on his face makes my pussy contract, every movement he makes wets my panties, every luscious kiss brings me another step closer to an orgasm.

Whenever he has his shirt off, his tattoo and nipple ring fuck with my head, like they have voices that are taunting me. My insanity reaches a new level each day and I need some fucking release.

I got on the pill when Jacob and I were having sex and when we broke up I continued to take them. I was dead set on getting life. Jasper has no idea that I am on them and I wonder what he will think when I tell him. I know Jasper has received a clean bill of health from the doctor, so I know when the time comes we can go bareback.

I am brought out from that wonderful thought when my phone plays, "The Way I Am" by Eminem. _Rosalie_.

Rosalie and I have become pretty good friends. We have taken on a similar relationship as Alice and I before the accident. She buys me lunch at restaurants that she likes. We shop at stores she likes, and buys me clothes that I will never wear. She plans spa days where she insists on services I really don't like.

And I love it. And I love her. She is egotistical and self-absorbed, but the few people Rosalie chose to care about she gave the world to.

I pick it up and read:

**R**: Hey B. Lunch at Andiamo's. 12:10PM.

_Andiamo's again? Really?_ I know it is useless to complain.

**B**: Yep.

I throw down the phone to get ready for work and try to face another day. Maybe I will try to enlist some advice from Rosalie about how I can get Jasper to come around.

^*^

"Well, it isn't _that_ fucking funny." I admonish, as Rose practically falls off the seat in all of her laughter. I smile at her laugh though, because it reminds me of Jasper's laugh, and I can't help but grin at anything that reminds me of my angel.

"No…Bella…it…it…" She starts and stops as another bout of laughter ensues. Now my bad mood is returning. I raise my eyebrows and cross my arms over my chest to impatiently wait for her humor, at my expense, to expire. Finally, it subsides and she continues. "I'm sorry, Bella, it just explains a lot." She finally sobers up completely.

"You both have been in really shitty moods lately. Jazz and I can't have a decent conversation and you have a permanent grimace on your face."

And here I thought I was doing a super job of hiding the moods brought on by my forced celibacy. I guess I am not as good of an actress as I think I am.

"Y'know…he never seemed to have this problem with Sarah." She baits me.

_Sarah_. Ugh. I don't know whether to feel sorry for that girl or to be jealous. She had been used by Jasper in his attempt to rid himself of the pain caused by our previous "break-up". Needless to say, when he realized she wasn't doing the job he ended it.

"That was a low blow, even for you." I accuse. She raises her hands in surrender.

"So what have you done so far to…y'know…get the balls rolling?" She laughs again, at her double entendre.

"You're such a fucking smart ass Rose. Are you going to help me or what?" I huff but answer her question. "I haven't done much of anything. I am trying to give him what he needs – space and time."

"Space and time? He needs to get his fucking rocks off, and this is how you're going to do it. And if you fail I am going to come and kick both of your asses."

"Do you remember those jeans I bought you last week? Well…"

^*^

_This isn't going to work._

And now I have added pressure because I have to worry about getting my ass kicked on top of it all. I know Rosalie isn't joking so I am going to have to step up my game here.

When I walk into his kitchen, his head is deep in his textbooks, studying for an important exam. The stereo is on as usual. He's listening to Papa Roach, which is one of the bands he deems his "study music".

"Hey, angel." I greet him. He picks his head up and he has got those damn fuck-me glasses on, which I am sure I can see laughing and pointing at me. _Insane. I am going fucking nuts._

My stomach flips as it normally does when he focuses those blue eyes on me. "Hi…" He trails off and I can see that his eyes are roaming over my outfit that Rosalie suggested…I mean, _made_ me wear. The top is tight, low cut and comes about a half inch above my tight form fitting jeans. I removed my flats at the door since they didn't add to the sex appeal, so I am barefoot. His face remains impassive but his eyes turn dark.

Already knowing that I am affecting him, I saunter over and place a chaste kiss on the top of his head, innocently shoving my tits in his face.

I move away quickly in order to not give myself away. "Something smells really good." I turn around to face him. He had removed his glasses and is in the process of scrubbing his face with both of his hands as he breathes long and strained. I smile to myself.

_I am not fighting fair anymore._

He lets out one more large breath of air before he responds. "Yeah, I made lasagna."

_Yum_. "Sweet. You want me to make the salad while you study?"

"Sure." He buries his head back in the books, but he does not put the fuck-me glasses back on.

I start chopping veggies, I'm singing quietly and swaying my hips to the song "Carry Me" when I feel arms wrap around me.

Jasper kisses my neck and breathes in heavy. "What are you doing to me darlin'?" Instinctively I push my hips back into his rock solid cock. He groans and pushes into me. He kisses my neck and his hands move along my arms that are now motionless. My hands frozen, one on the knife and the other on the counter top.

His right hand travels down to mine and he puts it over top of mine. We continue cutting the tomato together. His other hand is massaging my shoulder as he places soft kisses on the side of my neck.

"Bella." He groans again and then moves away. _Fuck, Fuck, Fuck_.

Okay, time for my next step. _Plant the seed_.

I move away from the counter quickly, purposefully knocking over my purse and spilling the contents. "Shit." I exclaim, pretending to be perturbed. I glance at his expression since I am weary now of my acting skills but he seems to believe me as he crouches down and starts helping me pick up everything. I stay away from the object that I most want him to see and it doesn't take long for him to take notice of it.

"What's this?" He holds up the little compact.

"Oh…" I say as I grab it away from him and say absently. "Those are just my birth control pills."

"Fuck."

* * *

**AN: Bella won't be telling Jasper's secrets. His POV is for that. Thank you for putting up with my fluff. Now please tell me it didn't suck that bad and if you liked my pseudo lemon. **


	26. All I Want

**AN: Thanks to everyone reading this story and thanks to all of you that are reviewing. I absolutely love hearing everything you guys have to say.**

**Thank you!!**

**QueenBeta Cullen818 rocks!**

**I do not own twilight or any of its characters.**

* * *

**All I Want - Stain'd**

_I can't live without,  
All I think about,  
All I want is you,  
You're all I dream about,  
I can't live without,  
All I want is you,_

**Chapter 26**

I barely hear him whisper the obscenity. I think I finally have him, but I still have to play this cool. So I replace my purse on the counter and begin to set the table.

He is clearing his books away slowly, but the message in his eyes clearly states that he has something else on his mind, and I am pretty sure I know what it is.

I verify that when I look down and check out the huge bulge pressed against the fly of his jeans. I'd laugh if I thought this was funny, but it is like some sick fucking joke.

"So what class are you studying for?" I ask casually as I bend down to retrieve the lasagna from the oven giving Jasper a perfect view of my bottom.

I turn around feigning innocence and put the lasagna on the table. He is looking at the table, his mouth is open slightly and I can see his chest moving up and down in rapid succession. I smile inwardly.

"Jazz? Angel? What class are you studying for?" I repeat.

"I have a test on Friday in my Pscyh class." Jasper has a full schedule and he is literally putting everything into it. He is at the university from morning to evening, six days a week. Jasper is more than ready to get out there and start helping children. I wish I could alleviate some of the pressure he constantly hoists on himself to become someone he thinks is worthy.

I forget about the seduction momentarily as I come over to move the hair off of his forehead. He looks up at me. I can still see the unbridled lust, but I can see love. I so want to tell him I love him, but I know he still isn't ready to hear it. There will be a time and a place for it, and I just know that I will be able to identify that time when it comes. Instead I pour my love into a chaste kiss on his forehead.

He rises from the chair and helps me set the rest of the table. As we consume the best lasagna ever, we maintain light conversation by talking about school and work. After, both of us clean up the kitchen side by side.

Jasper leaning against the kitchen counter, with a dish towel hung over his shoulder, while he waits for me to pass him a dish is one of the sexiest things I have ever seen.

We sit down for a little bit of television before I am supposed to depart for the evening. I am not watching because I am trying to figure out how to get this seduction going again.

"Darlin'?" He breaks me from outweighing the odds of success based on different methods of past turn-ons.

"Um…I have something for you." _He bought me something_?

He pulls out an envelope. I open it and it contains two tickets. I pull them out as I flash a bright smile at my angel. Concert tickets.

_My man loves music! _I will never take that for granted again.

The tickets are for the Offspring at DTE. I am so excited, the Offspring is one of our favorite bands, but what made me all teary eyed is when I look at the date. The concert is still three months away. He isn't going anywhere and he doesn't believe that I am. That is a really good sign..._isn't it?_

I go to put the tickets back in the envelope so I can jump him, when I notice that there is something else in the envelope. I turn it over and dump it into my hand.

My hand now holds a key. _A fucking HOUSE key._

"Jazz?" _Oh my God. Oh. My. Fucking. God_. I try to remain rooted to my seat.

He is looking down at his hands. "I thought you might be able to use that since sometimes you get here before class lets out." He still hasn't looked up and I can see the blush covering his cheeks.

_Okay, now COME ON!!. This is totally grounds for sex…right?_

I put the key and concert tickets down on the coffee table and scoot over to what is now known as his side of the sofa, but I know I can't make it sound like this is a big deal because my angel is scared of taking huge steps.

"You're right. It would be nice to get dinner started before you got here." I say cautiously.

"Ohh nooo, maybe I should take it back!" His face mocks horror as he teases me for my lack of culinary skills.

"Very funny, smart ass." I straddle him and start to tickle his sides. I know where all of his weak spots are and I attack them with both my hands and mouth mercilessly. He yelps and throws me back on the couch, finding my ticklish areas. He falls on top of me and we are both laughing uncontrollably.

Our hands still when we both realize the position that we are now in. His breath is hot in my ear. One hand is on my ribcage, just below my breast and the other on my hip. It only takes a few seconds for his dick to rise to the occasion and it begins to twitch right on my center. Right where I need it…_so, so fucking bad_.

He stiffly gives me a small peck on the lips and rises, sitting back in his previous position.

_You have got to be kidding me?_

I stare at him, his face looks tortured and he is inconspicuously trying to press his palm into his hardened prick, I assume to ease some of the pressure.

_Why is he doing this?_

Frustrated at my complete and utter failure, and fearing my next encounter with Rosalie I barely watch the television, petting Bruiser, who now considers me his best bud. Bruiser is like a big dog. I have never seen a cat as big as this one. He must weigh about 30 pounds.

After an hour I am completely defeated, I stand up to draw Jasper's attention; I shake out my leg that had fallen asleep while Bruiser lay on me. He breaks away from staring blankly at the TV. I am sure that Jasper was paying just as much attention to The Mentalist as I was, and that said a lot because that is one of our favorite shows.

He stands up looking confused. I honestly do not know how much more of this sexual tension that I can take. I had to get out of here tonight and regroup. I need to come up with how I am going to convince Jasper that I am not leaving him, that I never plan on leaving him; that I want this…I want us.

"Angel, I have got a long day tomorrow. I probably should get going." I don't know if I sense disappointment or relief from him.

"Thanks for the concert tickets. I can't wait to go. And the key…thank you so much. That was very thoughtful." I take the key out of the envelope and put it on my key ring. _Right next to my house key_.

Now, I wonder how I am going to be able to give him a copy of my key. I know that he will think that I feel obligated to since he gave me his. Ugh! Sometimes, our communication skills get in the way and we are both going to have to discuss this at some point.

Our relationship is still so new, that I am not willing to fuck with it at this point. Jasper is still seeing a counselor in between classes and I can see a major decline in his self-deprecation. I know it is just a matter of time before we get this communication gap closed.

My intention is to give him a light kiss on the lips, but he has different ideas. His hands came up to grip my shoulders, then his fingers slide into the hair at the nape of my neck. His lips move urgently over mine, accepting nothing but complete surrender. Our short and sweet open-mouthed kisses turn into fuck-me-over-the-kitchen-counter tongue kisses. Both of our breaths become shallow pants as our tongues fight against each other for supremacy. Neither of us is giving in tonight. Our heads move from side to side as we deepen the kiss again and again.

He breaks away and I almost growl in disappointment. We stare at each other, our chests heaving, his eyes almost black, but slowly he lowers his hands from my face and they fall to his sides.

_Fuckin' A. _Both of our pent up desire is out there on display for each of us to see, but we deny each other over and over again. I could fucking cry. When was he going to realize this isn't about the sex? Didn't he realize my feelings went deeper than that?

I look toward the television so that he would not see the tears forming in my eyes. "I will call you tomorrow," I all but croak. Tomorrow was the only day that Jasper and I do not see each other. He could only meet his literary requirement by taking a nighttime class, so it would be futile to come to see him for an hour or so before I would have to leave.

When I look back at him his eyes are pinched shut, but he opens them quickly and I can see them shining, and they look regretful.

I walk out the door and get into my car. I start to drive off and I have to stop because the tears that are flowing are obstructing my view of the road. I pull over to the side, cover my face and ball. I don't know what to do. I have tried to reason with him, I have tried to seduce him. Maybe I should tell him I love him.

No. I just know in my heart, if I did that he would take two steps back. He feels like he has to prove some things to me first. The fuck if I know what they are, but I know he wouldn't take it well if I blurted out exactly how I feel about him and how important he is to me.

Maybe I should force the sex issue. Would he push me away?

I have no idea what I am going to say or do but I turn the car around and head back toward Jasper's house. I know if I go home I will not be able to sleep.

I get to his house and I notice that all the lights are out. I turn the door handle and notice that his door is locked. I decide to use my key, just for the hell of it.

It works.

All the lights are out and it is quiet. I can hear the ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner and the sound of Bruiser nibbling on his Kibbles and Bits.

Not wanting to surprise him I call out, "Jazz?" I don't get any answer. Is he not here? I was just here fifteen minutes ago. Did he go out?

"Angel?" I say again, louder – but nothing. I open the door that leads to the garage and his car is still there.

Maybe he is in the shower. As I navigate toward the bedroom and peer in I see no one. Not only that, but the adjoining bathroom light is off. Where in the hell is he? I turn to leave the bedroom when I notice that the French doors that lead to a patio are ajar. Did he mean to leave them open?

I make my way to the door intending to close it, but I see a light on the deck and see Jasper's blond tresses peeking over the back of a chaise lounge chair, facing over the five acres of property. As I approach, I halt when I notice that he is completely nude. _Oh shit._ One of his hands is playing with his nipple ring and the other is slowly stroking his cock from base to tip, his hand twisting on the head.

_Well, hey now. My angel has been cheating._

The hand that is pinching his nipple is now slowly moving across his tight abdomen and grazing over his hip to cup his balls. His eyes are shut, and his mouth is open. He stops stroking to rub the precum off of his tip. When he does this he lets out a moan. _I think I just had a mini orgasm._ My breath hitches at the erotic picture he makes and his eyes snap open. Midnight brands level on me.

"Bella!" He ceases all movement and grabs his discarded boxers that lay next to him.

He covers himself, but I do the exact opposite. I take the hem of my shirt and lift it over my head.

"Belllaa!" He begs but his eyes are eating me up.

"Don't worry, angel. No sex, I promise." I pull down my jeans and step out of them so I am standing in front of him in a sexy pale pink bra and panty set.

I remove my bra and panties and stand in front of him naked. "You are so beautiful my Bella. My God…" His boxers lying over his crotch stir from his dick twitching. I walk to stand beside him. He gazes up at me with passion…_and fear_.

I can't help but smile at the sheer terror in his eyes.

I put my hand on his shoulder and tell him to scoot up. When he hesitantly lifts his back off of the seat, he scoots up so that his knees reach the edge of the lounge chair. I move behind him and stand on my knees. I pull his shoulders back so that he is leaning back on me.

My wet cunt is flush with his spine and my breasts are pressed just above his shoulder blades and my lips are bent to his ear.

My right arm wraps over his arm to massage his nipple and I snake my left hand under his arm to reach his straining erection.

I breathe in heavily and whisper in his ear. "Just this angel…just this." His back is leaning into my chest and I have a perfect view of everything that I am doing to him.

I take over where he left off, stroking his lubed cock. From base to tip, I do soft slow strokes, and then switch to fast and hard, before I slow it down again. His head is bent and he is watching everything that I am doing to him. His hands reach back and rubs the length of my thighs.

"Oh…God…Bella, oh fuck…that feels…ah, God…you are wonderful." His head falls back on my shoulder and his hands squeeze my thighs. I nibble, kiss and lick the column of his exposed neck. His moans and pants are making me horny as hell. I start rubbing my tits along his shoulder blades and my aching clit along his spine, looking for delicious friction.

"Oh Bella, fuck…I am not gonna last." My strokes on his dick become faster as I apply more pressure. I can't reach his balls so I settle for skimming my thumb over them on every downstroke. His hips are moving erratically now and the movements are creating pressure on my body, urging me to undulate against him. My hips are moving in a disjointed rhythm against his backside. Both of our breathing is frantic. _Oh fuck! _My teeth bite down on his neck and that pushes him over the edge.

His cock gets impossibly harder and stiffens as pearly liquid explodes out of his slit. Watching his cum shoot all over his abdomen and chest as he makes low guttural noises does me in, and I finally find release as I bury my head into his neck.

I move so that I am now straddling the lounge behind Jasper and he falls back on me. The back of his head nestled in between my boobs. We are trying to catch our breaths.

"Bella? Will you stay with me tonight?"

"Sure."

_I will stay with you forever._

* * *

**AN: You didn't think he would give in that easy. My Jasper is stubborn (and a little masochistic). You still got a lemon though. Thanks a bunch to missmaj for sending me the photo that inspired this lemon. That was hot!**

**Seriously though, sexual tension is one of the most potent and desirable things you can put in any fanfic (or book for that matter). Don't you agree? How long should it last is the question.**


	27. Hot

**AN: Okay, so this is the other bonus chapter. The next chapter will get back to the original story. We have five more chapters left so make sure you let me know how you liked my story. I really appreciate everything you guys have said to me.**

**Also, I am on twitter now so come tweet me. My twitter account is on my profile page.**

**Thanks to the best beta out there – QueenBeta Cullen818**

**I do not own twilight or any of its characters.**

* * *

**Hot – Avril Lavigne**

_You make me so hot, make me wanna drop  
You're so ridiculous, I can barely stop  
I can hardly breathe, you make me wanna scream  
You're so fabulous, you're so good to me, baby baby  
You're so good to me, baby baby_

_Kiss me gently  
Always I know  
Hold me, love me  
Don't ever go, yeah_

**Chapter 27**

"So, you got laid? It is about fucking time." Rosalie says at lunchtime. I hadn't even sat down at the table, so it must have been a post-coital glow even though we didn't exactly go "all the way".

"Well…not exactly, but we definitely had some major action." I say as I grin from ear-to-ear.

Yesterday night and then waking up with Jasper in the morning was euphoric. I feel like I am floating on clouds today.

Rosalie looks somewhat complacent. "Okay, well I guess oral is close enough."

Not wanting to bring out the black belt in her I decide not to tell her that she isn't quite right.

"So, do you need me to be at the wedding early?" She asks.

Charlie and Sue's wedding is in two weeks and I am scared shitless. Jasper will not only be meeting Charlie and Sue, but he will also be meeting all of the Cullen's, Jacob and Mike.

Charlie asked me in advance if it would be okay for him to invite the Cullen's. Charlie spent numerous holidays with me and the Cullen's when Edward and I were together. I would never begrudge them from sharing in Charlie's joy, especially since I know that they sincerely care for him.

Jacob will be there because Alice and he were now dating...exclusively.

I also invited Mike and Angela. Mike is bringing a woman he started seeing recently named Reneesmee, or something like that, and Angela, of course, is bringing Seth.

So, pretty much, Jasper and Rose will be meeting everyone that had anything to do with my life. I am not worried that Jasper will make a good impression, but I know it has been weighing on Jasper's mind lately. His usual fears of not being good enough are surfacing again. Little did he know I am more worried about him not liking them, than the other way around.

But thankfully, Rose will be there and we are both going to need her support.

"Yeah, if you want you can drive with me and Jazz. I need to get there about two hours early and set up the flowers."

"So, were finally going to meet the Cullen's, huh?" She smiles wickedly, rubbing her palms together.

"Yep." I say with a pop.

Her attitude alters a bit. "Are you nervous about Jazz meeting the ex-family-in-law?" She says with scorn. Obviously, she picked up on my uncomfortable vibe since she brought up the subject.

"A little. I don't think I would be normal if I didn't care." I say defensively. "Do you have any idea how I feel about your brother?" I add, tears stinging my eyes.

Her eyes turn soft. She grasps my hand. "Yes Bella, I do." We stare at each other for a short time before she tries to lighten the mood by changing the topic…slightly.

"So, tell me more about this Emmett guy."

^*^

I get back to the office to start on the shitload of work that I had dumped on me during the morning meeting.

I jump when I suddenly hear the sound of Ted Nugent singing "Free for All". That is my ringtone for Charlie. I picked that song for the simple reason that we both love it.

"Hey dad." I answer.

"Hello hon." I am surprised to hear the soft voice of Sue instead of the gravely voice of Charlie. "Your dad and I were wondering if you and Jasper wanted to come over for dinner tomorrow night. We thought it would be easier for him and us to get to know each other, instead of waiting until the wedding."

"Uh…I'll check with Jazz, but I am sure he won't mind. He's been looking really forward to meeting you." I am glad she isn't here in person because I don't think I can say that without cringing.

_I mean, who really wanted to meet the parents of their significant others?_

She lets out a small chuckle, not believing me. She is smart enough to know that I wasn't being completely honest, and cool enough not to throw my words back in my face.

I like her and she is perfect for Charlie.

"What does Jazz like?" She asks.

"Uh…food." Really, he is a man. I don't think I have ever seen Jasper decline any offer of food. It is amazing that he is in the shape that he is.

She chuckles again. "Okay, see ya then."

I barely set the phone down when I hear Aerosmith's, "Angel".

"Hey angel." I answer.

"Hey darlin'. I was just hanging out in the library waiting for my next class to start and I just thought I would call to see how you were doing…and tell you that waking up with you this morning was fucking awesome." I could _hear_ him smiling.

"I know. I don't know how I am going to sleep by myself tonight." I say seductively and am rewarded with a growl on the other end of the phone.

That gives me a great idea. Something I have been thinking about for a while. I get up and shut my office door.

I take my heels off and get comfortable in my chair. "So, Jazz, I feel really bad about leaving you with that morning wood that you had pressed into my backside this morning…but I could possibly help you with that now…if you want."

"Belllaa." I love when he stretches my name out like that. It means he is excited already.

"Jazz, when we were in bed last night, I had a dream. You want to hear about it?" I say quietly, but eager.

All I get is heavy breathing. No words.

"Jazz, I want to tell you so fucking bad. Will you listen?"

A pause.

"Yes." He whispers.

God, he sounds so sexy like that. He says it like he doesn't think he deserves it, but he wants it so bad anyway.

"Oh angel, I am so fucking wet just thinking about it." I slip my hand under my skirt and feel my panties to confirm that I am not lying.

"I pushed you on your back Jazz, and I climbed on top of you. We were both naked and your hard cock was nestled in between my wet folds. Jazz, oh God, my finger is there right now. Right where your dick was." I am not lying, my finger presses horizontally between my folds.

"Goddammit…" He croaks.

"I started moving my wet cunt all over your dick coating it with my juices. It was so damn slick. Jazz, do you know what I am talking about? It's almost like when you lick your hand and stroke your own cock. Will you do that so you can see what I am talking about?"

I hear some shuffling and I smile to myself.

"Tell me angel, tell me when you are doing that."

A few seconds later, "Oh..ffuu…okay…umm."

"I bent down and covered your tattoo with kisses before I sucked your nipple ring into my mouth while I sipped on your succulent nipple. Fuck Jazz, do you know how amazing you are? Your hands were all over my tits, massaging and pinching. Oh fuck, Jazz that feels so good."

"Are…are you doing that Bella? Touching your nipples? Pinching them?" He asks breathlessly.

"Of course Jazz. Oh God. You know exactly how to touch me." I moan.

"Oh darlin', I am not gonna last through this dream…ung…" He groans.

"I moved my way down to your cock and it was so fucking beautiful. It was thick, and long, the head was big with drops of cum sparkling on it. You were all ready to fucking burst so I took it into my mouth…oh, fuck…unh…Jazz, do you know…do you know…oh, shit…how good you taste?" My hand is moving rapidly in and out of my pussy, my other hand swirling my hard nipple.

"Belllaa…I-I am going to cum." His voice is strained and thick with lust.

"Jazz, you're so big in my mouth and…and…and your head gets huge like it always does…ah…right before you come. Then you start making those fucking sexy noises and you fill my mouth…"

"Ahhh, shit…unf..ffuucckk." He grunts. I join him in heaven, climaxing all around my finger.

I gather my breath. "Jazz, I don't mind waiting for sex until you are ready, but the next time I see you I will be playing out that dream for real." I warn.

He is still breathing heavy, but I hear him moan a little.

"By the way, we have dinner at dad's tomorrow."

I don't give him a chance to answer. I click the phone shut.

_I love you angel. _

_^*^_

I pull up to Jasper's house the next day anticipating his reaction to our phone call yesterday. I had talked to him on the phone since then, but I want to see him.

I am kind of embarrassed. I had never had phone sex before and I don't think he has either. I know it isn't listed on his "menu" and he had so few real relationships in his life.

But I wanted to try phone sex. It was just like when I got him off the other day. In the past, he was always doing stuff for other women, but no one ever did anything just for him. I mean, it's not like I didn't enjoy it, but I still wanted to let him know that I want to do things for him without requesting or expecting something in return.

We are going over to my dad's for dinner so when I pull up to Jasper's place he runs out with a backpack and a brown paper bag.

As soon as he gets in the car he clutches the back of my neck to bring my lips to his for a long, searing kiss. He ends it and his eyes delve into mine. "What you do to me…" He trails off with a shake of his head. "I am just glad that I was in the corner…alone."

I give him a warm smile because he makes me all warm inside.

"Do you want to drive?" I ask.

"Sure. Do you want to take my car?"

"Nope." I just love to watch him drive my car. Sigh.

He pulls out a CD. "I just got the new Breaking Benjamin CD. You want to check it out?"

"Well, yeah!" _Duh._ He loads it in and rests his hand on the gearshift.

"So, what do you got there?" I ask pointing to the stuff that he had loaded in the backseat.

"Well, I bought a bottle of merlot for you girls and I bought a six pack of Bud Light for me and your dad." Awww. He remembered that I told him my dad drinks Bud Light. So cute.

"And…the back pack…umm…has things for tomorrow. I thought maybe I could spend the night at your place." _Oh, hell yeah!_

I had my stuff packed in the trunk, I was hoping that he would let me stay at his house tonight, but that is even better.

He reaches up and skims my cheekbone with his fingertips and then grazes my jaw. "Is that alright, darlin'?"

Would it sound too eager if I say "fuck yeah"? Oh, I don't give a shit.

"Fuck yeah!"

He chuckles and squeezes the back of my neck before his hand settles back on the gearshift.

"Are you going to be okay with dropping me back off tomorrow morning?"

"Sure. It's not like I haven't dropped you off plenty of times before." I tease. Except he doesn't take that as a joke. I cringe and he becomes silent.

When we get to Charlie's I notice that Jazz's attitude gets better as Charlie and Jasper talk about the latest sports news and Sue drills him about school and how all of his classes are going.

After dinner we sit around the table chatting away. Absently, Charlie's hand comes on top of the table and clasps onto Sue's. It is so romantic – and infectious because I raise my hand and do the same to Jasper. He smiles at me briefly, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

Somehow I feel that sex is going to be out of the question tonight.

When we get back out to the car my fears are confirmed. "Darlin' I am kinda beat. Do you think you could just drop me off?"

"Sure." I say solemnly. The ride home is getting awkward. The silence is tense. _This is bullshit!_ I hope he realizes that I don't plan on just leaving him there.

When I pull into his driveway he turns to give me a peck on the cheek, but I am already out of the car.

"Bella, what are you doing?" He asks irritated.

I fake innocence. "What do you mean? I thought you wanted to stay here tonight?"

"Yeah. Alone." Ouch. That hurt...but I have been waiting for this day.

_Our first fight._

"Yeah, no…I don't think so." I say unpacking the trunk.

He seems surprised at my sudden bravado. "I am not in the mood for company."

"Since when the fuck did I become _company_?" I yell.

Before I cause a scene I go to the front door and let myself in with the handy-dandy key that he gave me. He storms in behind me and slams the door. Throwing his bag to the side, he starts pacing the room. His hand clutching the back of his neck.

"What is your problem?" I ask. I know that Jazz is used to bottling stuff up and he is just learning how to express himself through counseling, but it is still very new to him. I plan on giving him a lesson tonight.

He continues to stalk around the house, looking for escape.

"Let me guess. It was my little comment in the car. Are we supposed to pretend that part of your life didn't exist? I can't. I can't forget that is how we met. I can't forget all the times we spent together. I. Don't. Want. To."

I stalk up to him and stand a few paces away from him. He is looking at anything but me.

"Do you Jazz? Do you want to forget the day we met? Or the first time we came together?" I ask. "Do you want to forget the shower?" I whisper.

He lunges at me; pressing me flush against him and the front door. Both of his hands are on the door on either side of my head. He bends down low. "I remember every fucking day, in perfect clarity, Bella, the first day that we met." He dips his head into the crook in my neck and whispers. "I remember every second of the time that we spent together."

"Exactly. Jasper, I am not going to forget what you were. It is the reason I met you and I will thank God every day that you were doing what you did. Right or wrong, angel, I am never going to be ashamed of you."

His arms wrap me in a fervent embrace. His lips and tongue make a quick trail from my ear, across my cheek to my waiting mouth. His tongue consumes my mouth, filling it.

He bends down to pick me up and carries me to his bedroom. Bruiser scatters off the bed as we both fall onto it.

Jasper is half on top of me. He takes his free arm and rubs it across my forehead, passing along my cheek and lands on my neck. I moan and arch my back into his body.

"Now, about that dream you had…I had one, too…" He whispers.

"Oh God!"

_Survive first fight – check._

* * *

**AN: Don't worry, their time is coming. If you want to find out what Jazz's dream was about than you have to read his version of this story. Thanks again and please let me know what you think of this chapter and the story so far.**


	28. Put Your Arms Around Me

**AN: Ok, so I hope you enjoyed all the fluff. Thanks for everyone still subscribing to the story by alert or adding me to your fav's. Thanks for all of your wonderful comments, they are truly priceless.**

**FYI - Jaspers Darlin's are having a "Home for the Holidays" with Jasper contest. Check out any of the Jasper Darlin's profiles to get on their blog for contest rules and prizes.**

**Thanks to QueenBeta Cullen818 for getting this chapter back to me so quickly. **

**I don't own Twilight or any of its characters.**

* * *

**Put Your Arms Around Me – Natasha Bedingfield**

_That original feeling never went away  
That's why I'm standing here today  
Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh  
So many ups and downs and nothing's changed  
That's why I know I'm here to stay  
Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh_

_So put your arms around me  
And then stay there forever  
Let it always be this way  
You and me together  
So put your arms around me  
And I'll never let go  
I know they're easy words to say  
But I mean it more than ever_

**Chapter 28**

Jasper and I have not slept apart since our first and only fight. We trade days of me sleeping at his place, or him at mine. Although, we have had the pleasure of exploring each other's body fully, we still haven't taken the plunge.

I can't say that I am as frustrated as I was before, but the ache is definitely still there, and even though we are taking care of each other's basic needs, until he gets inside me I know this dull pain will remain. I want so badly to feel his naked cock fill up my core and his searing cum to shoot up, deep inside me. I know that it is going to be a feeling like no other.

And to watch him while he enters me with no condom_…oh, God._

I am pretty sure Jasper has never had sex without a condom, and I am so anxious to see if he finds it very different.

Today is the day of Charlie and Sue's wedding, and it is the first time I wake up in almost two weeks without Jasper lying beside me. I smell food, so I know that he didn't leave. I get up and patter out into my living room adorned in only his t-shirt. He is leaning on the frame of the living room window staring outside with a cup of coffee in his hand. He is wearing pajama bottoms only; his naked chest is startlingly beautiful, sculpted to perfection, and his pj bottoms hang low on his hips revealing those tantalizing bones and his sexy "v".

I can't help but stare at him.

_After all of this time_, I can't believe he is in my living room. After everything we both have been through, and all the time apart. This gorgeous, beautiful man _wants_ to be here. To be with me. I am truly amazed.

It looks like a small frown passes across his face before he abruptly swivels around and catches me staring at him. "G'morning Darlin'." He smiles, but it doesn't quite reflect in his eyes.

_Uh oh._

"What is wrong angel?" I ask. I see a brief flicker of pain flash in his face. I stride up to him immediately and rest my hands on his cheeks. "Angel? Talk to me."

He removes my hands from his face and holds them in his hand. "I don't know if I can do it." He says, shaking his head.

"W-w-what?" _Oh fuck!_ This is worse than I thought.

"I don't think I can go to the wedding?" He says quietly, looking down at our joined hands.

"What?…Why?…Jazz, why not? Everyone is looking so forward to meeting you." I search his eyes, but he is avoiding direct contact.

"Jasper, please talk to me." I implore him desperately. This cannot happen today.

I drag him over to the sofa and we both sit down; our hands still clasped together. He glances up into my eyes briefly before lowering them…in what suspiciously looks like an expression of shame.

"Bella. I shouldn't go with you…not good enough to be with you…I'm being selfish."

"STOP!" I interrupt him. Tears are welling up now that I understand his plight.

His face distorts into a grimace and he loosens one of his hands to catch the stray tear that rolls down my cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I'm so sorry, darlin'."

"Well, how did you think I would feel when you tell me you _think_ you aren't good enough to meet my family and friends?"

"Fuck! I don't know." He digs both of his hands in his hair, frustrated.

"Angel, please don't do this to yourself. You have more of a right to be there than anybody else today. You are very important to me. You are my family. You and Rose both. If you were not there, I would be alone. I don't have anyone if I don't have you." I smile through my tears at the cheesy saying, and so does he.

_How much more could I beat around the bush?_

_I love you._

He looks at me sheepishly. "You're right. I know it…most of the time. God, I am so sorry. What the hell am I doing to you when you have so much on your mind already?" I get up and straddle him and he puts his hands on my hips. I rest my forehead on his, as I push my fingers through his hair. I draw back to tentatively touch my lips to his, but when he responds I pull away.

His eyebrows shoot up and I give him an evil grin. I lower my lips to his again, but right before they reach his I pull away again. He growls and within a split second I am on my back on the sofa and he is hovering over me. His eyes are midnight.

"Bella, neither one of us are going to make it to the wedding if you keep teasing me like that." He says in his sultry southern accent.

We are silent as we smile into each others eyes. Then his get intense and the smile fades from his face. God, that look is so hot. He is looking at me like he wants to tell me something.

Something like "I love you." _Say it_. _Say it out loud_. I dare him with my stare.

I see it in his eyes, but instead of voicing his thoughts he cups my cheek with the hand that he isn't leaning on and rubs his thumb over my bottom lip before he swoops down and claims it with his own lips. He nibbles and sucks on it for a moment before his tongue peeks out and slashes across my mouth. I open mine and immediately push my tongue into his mouth. I never get used to kissing him. I feel that rush of heat and the tightening in my stomach every single time. His tongues swirls with mine and then vibrates when he groans softly into my mouth.

Having Jazz on top of me like this is my own personal heaven. The hand on my cheek roams down my arm to the hem of the t-shirt and he lifts it up enough to rest it on my hipbone, he gives a gentle squeeze. My lips disengage so I can show him my pleasure with a small moan. He lifts his head for a second, trying to pull away and then he loses the battle and his lips crash back down on mine. Things get heated as he tilts his head to the side to deepen the kiss. The hand on my hip is getting painful as his grip tightens. He is pushing his erection into my thigh. I lower my hand to try and grasp it…relieve it…but he captures my wrist, finally able to regain some semblance of good sense.

"Dammit Bella. We have to stop. We are going to be late." I smile when he says "we".

I am glad that we had this small talk. I am excited that Jasper is finally learning to talk about his problems. He is starting to open up about things instead of holding them inside and letting it get out of hand.

He takes a shower while I get dressed in a baggy t-shirt and jeans. My shoes and dress have already been packed up and are in the Envoy. I am grabbing items out of the bathroom drawer that I will need to prepare myself after the small church gets set up. I turn around just as Jasper opens the shower door.

_Fuck. Me. Til. Tomorrow._

I actually have to shut my eyes and block the image of a naked, wet Jasper. _Fuck_! I swear I am going to violate this man. It is obvious that he is not trying to torture me too much because when I open my eyes he already has a towel around his waist, but his head is down and I am sure I can see a devilish smirk on his face.

_Paybacks are a bitch. _

^^^^^^^^^^^^**********************^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Where do you want these Bella?" Rosalie asks. I turn around to see that she is handling the candles.

"Oh, those go on the table at the altar." I explain. She heads over to the table.

"What about…" Clunk. I turn to see what she dropped and I see her standing there staring at the front door of the church with her mouth in an "O", and a candelabra at her feet. In one piece, thank God.

"BABY BELLS!" Ah, that is what she is looking at. I chuckle and turn around to the sound of that booming voice.

"Hi, Emmett." I know I will not be able to avoid the eventual bear hug so I tense up waiting for the impact. He strides over and lifts me up, swinging me around in a tight embrace.

"Ahem" I hear a throat clear. I look over to see it is Jasper making himself known.

Emmett recognizes the scent of jealousy permeating the air and continues to hold onto me while he grins at both of us mischievously. He then notices Rosalie for the first time and practically drops me on the ground.

"And who are you?" He says as he saunters toward her. She just raises her eyebrows at him.

"This is Rosalie." I say when I notice she doesn't plan on answering him.

"Well, hey there Rosie." He says seductively, _I think_.

"My name is Rosalie, dickweed. Do you have a problem with your hearing?" I hear Jasper chuckling right behind me. He has moved over to me, his hands are now resting possessively on my hips, and I feel his breath in my hair.

Emmett looks at her confused for a moment and then he gives her a wide grin as he shakes his head. "Well, Rosalie is just going to be too formal for us. You and me are going to be much closer than that. So you'll have to think of something else if Rosie won't do."

For the first time ever, she is stunned speechless. She is staring at him with wide, unblinking eyes. Eventually she must have decided that he isn't worth her time because she looks away from him, ignoring him and his prediction completely.

"Bella, it is time for us to get ready." She laces her arm through mine as she drags me away from Jasper.

I look back at him worriedly, but I can see that he is okay. His hand is shaking Emmett's. "You must be Jasper."

"You must be Emmett." Jaspers replies with a chuckle.

Emmett lets out a huge roar of laughter. "Tell me what Bells has told you about me. Better yet, tell me about that blonde."

"Well, you help me unload all of the stuff out of the car and I'll tell ya anything you want to know."

"Lead the way man." Emmett says as he slaps Jasper on the back.

^*^

An hour later I have been primped and am ready to walk down the aisle. Rosalie has coiffed my hair in a perfect bun and applied my make-up, all the while drilling me with questions about Emmett.

I walk into the church and notice that almost all the guests have already arrived. Only about thirty people were invited and I am so happy that Sue and Charlie wanted such a small ceremony.

I didn't know half of the people because they are related to Sue in some form or another. I am standing at the entrance surveying the small group when a woman comes in and moves to pass me. She looks familiar, but I don't know where I met her. She smiles at me slightly, but she doesn't look like she means it.

"Hi," I greet her. "Are you a friend of the bride or the groom?" Hopefully, her answer might hint as to how I might know her.

"Oh, I am Sue's boss." Oh, okay. I guess I don't know her. She swings her hair back in an irritating way, and takes off down the aisle to find a seat.

Whatever.

Almost everyone is seated and ready for the small ceremony. I can see Carlisle and Esme, Alice and Jacob, Seth and Angela, Mike and his date, whatever her name is. They are all sitting together with conversation and smiles being passed around to each other.

Rosalie and Emmett are sitting together, talking. His head is bent toward her and he is smiling. I knew that was going to happen. They really look stunning together.

I am brought out of my thoughts when I smell the particular aroma of coffee and mint.

_Mine_.

I turn around to see Charlie walk in with Jazz. Charlie's hand is on Jasper's shoulder and Charlie is saying something low to him. Jasper busts out laughing and draws the attention of the guests.

I am admiring how wonderful they look together. My dad, and my love. I could weep with tears of joy. I walk up to them and intertwine my hand with Jasper's. He looks down at me smiling. I can see that he is very happy and it makes my heart swell. He leans down and as he lowers his lips to my ear he has a roguish smirk on his face. "I want you, darlin'." He pulls back so he can see the expression on my face and he giggles and adds a snort to it for good measure. Clearly, my expression is better than the one he had anticipated.

I am just trying to figure out which room we can steal into for some serious alone time. He puts his finger on my jaw to push my mouth shut and then he reads my mind. "Not now, darlin'…later."

"You promise?" I wonder if I should get this in writing.

I felt Jasper stiffen and his breath hitch. _What did I say?_ When I look up I see that annoying woman.

"Oh Jasper, this is Sue's boss…Oh, God, I am sorry I didn't get your name."

"Victoria." But it isn't her that says it. It is Jasper.

Than it all comes back to me. Flaming red hair.

_Well isn't this just a small fucking world._

* * *

**AN: Uh, oh. What do you think Victoria is going to do? **


	29. I'll Never Let You Go

**AN: Sorry I am late on this guys. I was working on my one-shot for the "Home for the Holiday's" contest. Please go check it out. It is called "A Delicious Experiment". It is a Jasper/Edward fic so if the thought of these two hotties getting it on makes you queasy you may not want to read it.**

**To all the writers: Take a break from your regular fics and create a one-shot for the contest. To all readers who haven't started a fic: JUST DO IT! It is a very rewarding experience. A one-shot is a perfect place to start. To find out the contest rules check out one of the "Home for the Holiday's" profile. **

**I also want to acknowledge Edwardobsessive who was my 1000th review, and I want to thank everyone that helped make that possible. Raise your hand if after reading the first five chapters you thought that this story would make it over 1000 reviews. Yeah…my hand isn't up either. Thanks everyone !!**

**QueenBeta Cullen818 is the best.**

**I do not own twilight or any of the characters**

* * *

**I'll Never Let You Go – Steelheart**

_Angel eyes  
You have angel eyes  
Such a smile that lights up my life oh  
You're a dream come true  
Now I'm holding you  
And I'll never, never let you go  
I will never let you go_

_First time I laid my eyes upon you  
All my dreams were answered  
First time I kissed your tender lips  
My love to you I surrendered_

_I'll never let you go  
You're always on my mind  
You're the only one for me  
You're all I need  
And I'll never, never let you go_

**Chapter 29**

_Oh shit!_

"Jasper is it?" Victoria sneers.

Charlie and the others look confused at Victoria's blatant animosity.

I glance around us and notice that everyone, I mean everyone, that I know is staring.

Every person involved in my life is watching this little display unfold.

_Please do not say anything_. My eyes silently beg her.

Her eyes widen in shock and then she chuckles bitterly. "You know." She says it as a statement and not a question.

Charlie looks from me to Victoria perplexed. "What do you know Bella?"

Victoria looks at me with her eyebrows raised. Jasper is silent. I don't know what to say. I am at a loss for words. I may have thought about telling my dad about Jasper's past at some point, but it would have definitely not been today.

And I didn't have any plans on telling the Cullen's or Jacob, Seth, and Mike at all, but here they all are; ready to hear about Jasper's dirty little secret.

"You haven't told your father about _Jasper's_ last career choice. I have to say that I am surprised…he was very talented." She takes a long look at Jasper from head to toe and then licks her lips.

I can't help feel the jealousy.

Rosalie has been puzzled up until now, but Victoria's last comment cleared up any confusion she may have still had. _Hurry Rosie_. She rises to her feet and heads directly for Victoria, but, unfortunately, she doesn't get there in time.

"You mean you didn't tell your dad that your boyfriend was a prostitute." There are gasps in the crowd.

I automatically drop my hand from Jasper's, and take a step back. The look on Jasper's face makes my heart drop. A look of hurt and shock pass across his features before a mask of cool indifference takes its place.

_Oh Fuck. That is not what I meant. Oh God, what did I do?_ I am paralyzed by my own stupidity.

Charlie looks at Jasper. "Is this true?"

He turns to Charlie and I don't hear what he says because just then Rosalie comes up behind Victoria, turns her around and sucker punches her right in the nose. Victoria lands in a heap on the floor.

When I turn back around Jasper is heading out the church doors.

_NOOOOOO!_

Rosalie starts to go after him, but of all people, Emmett gets up and races after him. As he passes me he gives me a quiet, "_Bella_", before he sprints out the door. He said it in the form of astonishment and disbelief. Even Emmett had taken my actions as an insult.

If Emmett is upset at how I handled that, how the hell is Jasper going to feel.

I just told Jasper a couple of weeks ago that I would never be ashamed of him.

For fucksakes, I just told him this morning that he is my family.

_He is my family. _

_What the fuck have I done?_ My heart is breaking. My movement away from him had been spurred by instinct alone, but to him it meant abandonment and betrayal.

_Oh my God. _

_How do I make this right_? I mean yeah, my boyfriend is an ex-prostitute. I don't scream it from the rooftops, but if it was brought up I always thought that I would stand beside him. Not pull away, as I had done.

I look at Rosalie who is now looking at me with contempt.

_No surprise there._

I have no doubt that she plans on dealing with me as she had done with Victoria. I have to make her understand that I am just a fucking idiot, an idiot that loves her brother more than anything in the whole world.

I finally find my wits, as my world comes crashing down around me. I run up to Rosalie and I grab her upper arms frantically. She is still looking at me with hatred, but she doesn't push me away as she could have easily done.

Not believing that this is actually happening, and not caring what any other person is thinking in this room, but Rosalie. I shake her. "Rose, tell me what just happened? What the fuck just happened? How do I fix this?" When she raises her brow questioningly, I add desperate for her to understand. "You know I love your brother. I'll do anything for him. I promise. I will do anything it takes to make this right."

I turn around to see everyone is now watching. Carlisle overcomes his shock and his MO kicks in. He goes to help Victoria stop the bleeding.

I turn back to Rosalie. I still have a death grip on her arms. "Help me Rosie. Tell me you don't hate me. Please. I am begging you." The last words slip out on a tortured sob.

Finally, I see her expression change to remorse and pity. "Bella, of course I don't hate you. I love you. How can I not love you? You loved my brother when he was at his lowest. You brought him out of the depths of hell and showed him that he could have a good life and that he deserves it. I have no reservations that you will fix this; you just need to go to him. Fast. Before he makes decisions that he will regret."

I turn quickly to locate the man of my dreams. Charlie still hasn't moved from the position that he was in when he the chaos began. He grabs my arm. "Bella, are you serious? You aren't going to go after him are you?"

I go to pull Charlie outside to talk to him, but than I change my mind because I _want_ everyone to hear what I have to say, so that there is no confusion later.

"Yes. I am going after him. I love him." I hiss.

"Bella, he was a prostitute." A look of disgust on Charlie's face makes my face twist into one of reproach.

"Yes, he goddamn was. Thank God! Otherwise I never would have met him. Dad, if he was an average guy he wouldn't have stood a chance with me. I wasn't ready for anyone normal. I don't know if I ever would have been. He saved me. He is the only one that could have reached me…dug me out of the hole I buried myself in. He has done so much for me. He cracked the shell around my heart. Now, I don't just exist. I live to love, to dream, to breath. Without him…" I shutter. "I can't think of how I would still be living my life."

I grab Charlie's hands. "We needed each other Dad. He has changed, too. He doesn't do that anymore. I am filling the voids in his life, too. I need you to understand Dad, because I can't live without him. He is going to be around."

He stares at me hard. He lets out a gust of air. "Well, he isn't going to be around if you don't go and get him."

I give Charlie a weak smile and turn to go find Jasper, but then Victoria finally rises and spits, "You're her, aren't you? You will regret this." Her eyes are flashing angrily. "I will get you back for this."

I stalk up to her and slap her face so hard that my hand has an intense pain shoot through it. Then I hear a gasp from behind me. I turn to find Sue standing there complete in wedding gown and veil.

I don't know how long she had been there. "Get that piece of shit out of here." She says as she waves a hand in Victoria's direction.

Victoria looks stunned before Rosalie utters, "my pleasure," and escorts Victoria out the back entrance of the church.

I head outside and look around. They are both standing by Jasper's Envoy. As I head toward them I notice that Jasper is pacing, and Emmett is leaning on Jasper's car door, effectively ruining his chance at a getaway.

I can see that Emmett is speaking to him, obviously trying to calm him down.

I will really have to thank Emmett for this one day. A simple "thank you" is not going to be near enough.

By the time I reach them I am out of breath from running. I study Jasper while I gasp for air. He won't look at me, and really, I don't blame him. It was a misunderstanding, but I would have come to the same conclusions as he had.

I just did what he always thought I would do. Desert him, when it got complicated.

"Took you long enough." Emmett mutters.

"Yeah well, I had some things to take care of back there."

Emmett looks at me approvingly.

He turns to Jasper. "Can I leave bro? You gonna hear her out before you decide to up and leave?" He questions.

Jasper gives him a scathing look before he turns his head back away, but nods. Emmett stares at him, judging him for truth and then decides he believes him.

When Emmett walks by me to return to the church he grabs and squeezes my hand briefly.

"Jasper…" I stop. I shake my head because I just don't know what to say...where to start...how to make him see…shit, that I fucked up!

I take a step toward him, but he must have saw the movement in his peripheral vision because he holds out an arm that wordlessly tells me not to get any closer to him. My breath catches at his uncaring action, and he snickers humorlessly.

"Bella, I knew that this was never going to work." He states, his back still to me.

"No…it will work…it works…Jazz…please listen to me." I plead.

"I can't live like this Bella. I can't always look over my shoulder, or worry that I am embarrassing you. You told me, Bella…you told me you wouldn't be ashamed." He accuses.

He tries to look at me, but then he looks away. He starts to pace like a caged animal looking for an escape from his torment.

He shakes his head. "Bella, I don't want to do this anymore...I-I don't want this anymore." He whispers brokenly, and I can see that there are tears in his eyes.

I am losing him again. I cannot lose him.

From what Rosalie says Jasper has not cried since he was fifteen, but right now, he looks like a dam that is about to break.

_Let it go._

"Jasper…please don't do this. I made a mistake in there. I am not ashamed of you. It was my body reacting to us being under attack. It was a defensive move but it was not done with the intention to advertise to everyone that I was embarrassed by you. I would have explained to everyone…I would have made them understand, like I have. But everything happened so fast and I froze."

"I know what you saw and I don't blame you for feeling like you did, but your wrong, Jasper I am not ashamed of you. They all know that now. Please…don't." I will grovel, I will get down on my hands and knees before I let him walk away.

His actions make it obvious that he is fighting for control of himself. His jaw is clenching and his hands are in tight fists.

I begin to think that if I can get him to lose his control that it just might set him free…but I don't know how. He looks so sad…so lost.

"Bella, I am not good for you." He says with his head bent. "We've already played all our cards here. The game is over and we both lost."

This game is hardly over. I know he does not want to end this. I know in my heart he would not survive without me, just as I would not without him.

"Is that right?" I demand.

His head snaps up when he sees my attitude adjustment. Tears are threatening to spill over in his eyes.

_Let it fucking go._

"Well, fuck you! Just. Fuck. You." I scream. He looks shocked before his impassiveness comes back. _Well, fuck that._

_Please let this work._

"When did you become so fucking selfish that you only think about yourself? Y'know what? You're right Jasper, I can't walk on eggshells around you. Sometimes I say and do things without thinking. I can't always second-guess myself…" He turns away from me and I see a hand briefly swipe at his face.

Than I go for my final blow. My ace.

"I guess seeing Victoria was a good thing. I guess it saved us both a lot of time and trouble." I lie atrociously.

He whips around, pain etched in his face and the tears finally stream down his cheeks. He actually believes this...believes my lies. I think I've gotten to him, but instead of begging me to reconsider, he pushes passed me to get into his car. I try to reach out to him but he wrenches free.

He is beyond conversation at this point. I know his heart is breaking and so is mine.

I realize that he is worth more than any game, I forget my strategy and go for honest begging, "Jazz, do you want to give up everything?"

He laughs bitterly as he reaches for the handle of his vehicle. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"You're a fucking liar." I accuse. His hand stops on the handle.

"Are you going to tell me our relationship doesn't matter? Are you telling me that I don't fucking matter to you?"

He pauses, lowers his head but opens the car door slowly.

Suddenly he swivels around. "Goddammit Bella. Why are you doing this? You. Can't. Fix. Me." Each word stabs me in the heart. His words are killing me. Does he really believe that or is he trying to protect himself?

His eyes are averted, staring at anything but me. I am not having any of that, so I put my hand on his cheek and force him to look at me. His midnight blue eyes are shining and they delve into mine. He is looking for something.

_Please tell me what you want. I will give you anything._

I can also see that he is shaking. Hs vulnerability is at an all time high and I don't think he knows how to handle it. I just want to hold him.

"Belllaaa, this just can't work. You can't heal me. I was crazy to think that I am getting better."

"You are better, and yes, I can heal you. I know I can."

"Why?" He says quietly. His eyes probe me for the first time with what looks like hope. He doesn't want me to give up. He wants me to fight for him. He wants this…us.

Grabbing the lapels of his jacket. I bring my body within an inch of his.

"I can heal you Jasper. You showed me how, because you…healed...me. You made me love you. I love you angel! I want to make love to you. Tell me that you don't. Tell me you don't love me Jasper. Tell me you don't want to make this work. Then I will let you go, and I will never bother you again."

The thought of that makes my stomach lurch.

I shake him by his suit coat. "Do you not want to see me ever again? Think about it, Jazz. Think about what that would be like."

He contemplates that for split second before a look of pain and torture crosses his face.

"Oh, God." He lets out a guttural cry, as he falls to his knees. He wraps his arms around my middle squeezing me tightly, as if he is afraid I will run away from him, his face is buried in my abdomen.

My hands run through his hair. It makes me nauseous to think that a little while ago I thought I would never be able to do this again.

We stayed in that position for several moments.

He looks up and his wet eyes meet my wet eyes. "Did you mean it darlin'?" I know what he is asking me. I get down on my knees so we are closer to eye level. "Of course angel, don't you see how much I love you?"

He pulls me into a tight hug. His voice fervent, "You better mean it Bella. Because I will never let you go again."

He brings his wet lips to my wet lips and we meld them together into a searing kiss. He breaks away to press small kisses all over my face. In between every kiss he says, "I love you. I love you. I love you."

Abruptly, his hands cup my face and he stares deeply. "I love you Bella. It scares me how much."

"I know angel. But it is okay, because I am never going to leave you."

"Will you make love to me Bella?"

I felt my stomach drop, but whole body awakens, and it blooms with love and desire.

Suppressed declarations, pent up need, unnecessary yearning are just some of the things that are now gone forever. I am finally going to have him entirely, and he is going to have me completely.

I realize that I still haven't answered him but I am sure he knows what my big goofy grin means. He has that sexy smirk on his face. We gaze at each other for a minute, before we both start laughing through our tears.

Finally, I give him the verbal affirmation. "Yes, but not right now. We have to see my dad get married first." He stiffens.

"Angel, don't worry about it. Have faith in the people that love me, and the people that I chose to have in my life. Please."

He stands up, and then helps me up. He wipes the dirt off of his knees and I look down to notice that my nylons are torn.

I hide behind his car and rip them down my legs. I glance up at Jazz watching me with hot eyes. I chuckle.

"Later." Is all I have to say.

We walk back to the church hand in hand. I pat my hair with my free hand to make sure most of it is still in place. "You look gorgeous darlin'."

Yeah, right, now that is true love. I don't have to look into a mirror to know that my face is blotchy and red and my make-up smeared, but I didn't give a shit. I was fucking ecstatic.

^*^

I have already had a few drinks. It had been a long fucking day. They just finished clearing the food away and we were enjoying conversation. I am glad that Charlie and Sue had decided on a small wedding and dinner at their favorite restaurant afterward.

When we got back to the wedding you would never have known what anything had happened. It was like Victoria had never been there. The ceremony had went along as planned and everyone treated Jasper with friendship and respect.

We are now sitting at the end of the long restaurant table with Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jacob and Angela and Seth.

Jacob, Alice, Angela and Seth were having a conversation regarding the movie that they had all just gone to last weekend.

Jasper went to the restroom so I took the opportunity to say what I needed to Emmett. "I owe you a big thank you Emmett, but I have to ask what made you decide to do that?" Rosalie and him both know that I am talking about him going after Jasper.

"Well, I had to fix it. He's going to be my future brother-in-law, and I need him to be happy." He says with a goofy grin.

Rosalie looks at him with a raised brow, and lets out a very unladylike snort, but I notice that both of them have hands underneath the table, and I am pretty sure that they are connected.

When Jasper gets back he keeps looking down at something, but I can't tell what it is.

After about another half hour of doing that approximately twenty times I finally figured it out.

"Are you ready to go home darlin'?"

He's been looking at his watch. _Oh, hell yeah!_

* * *

**AN: Jasper's story will have more on the return to the wedding since he would be more nervous about going back to the church. Well, we all know what is coming up next, but if you think the drama is over, you still don't know me very well. Thanks everyone for reading. A couple of good chapters are coming up. Please, please let me know what you thought and remember to check out my one-shot!**


	30. The Luckiest

**AN: Thanks everyone for reading. **

**I just want to remind everyone that Finding Forgiveness (Jasper's POV of this story) is out. Please check it out. If some of you have not read it because you think it would be too similar – believe me – it isn't. **

**Thank you to everyone who checked out my E/J slashy oneshot "A Delicious Experiment". I appreciate all your support.**

**For those of you that read and enjoyed my other slashy one-shot "Burnt Marshmallows" I will be posting another chapter soon. I am shooting for this weekend.**

**Also, my ficmate, missmaj posted her new J/B human story. Check it out – it is a great story! The name is "A Change in Course."**

**QueenBeta Cullen818 is the best beta ever. **

**I hope you guys are all working on your "Home for the Holiday" one-shots!**

* * *

**The Luckiest – Ben Folds**

_I don't get many things right the first time  
In fact, I am told that a lot  
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls  
Brought me here_

_And where was I before the day  
That I first saw your lovely face?  
Now I see it everyday  
And I know_

_That I am  
I am  
I am  
The luckiest_

**Chapter 30**

The car ride is silent and Jazz looks like he is in deep thought. I never did tell him how simply beautiful he is in his tailored suit. I'll have to remember to do that as I am taking it off of him tonight.

As I think about today I am reminded about how much I love the people in my life. When Jasper and I arrived back at the church not one person acted any differently toward him. Several people shook his hand after the ceremony, as I introduced him properly. Esme had gone so far as to pull him into one of her infamous hugs. Maybe they realized that everyone makes mistakes and also, how far I had come, because of this man beside me.

I look over at him and he looks like he is concentrating on something desperately. He glances over when he feels my eyes on him and smiles at me warmly. I return it, and then watch as his expression becomes distant again.

_I hope he is thinking about tonight._

I do a mental happy dance, and turn back to my thoughts. Jacob was the only one that wasn't exactly friendly tonight. He wasn't rude by any means…just…_removed_. He probably didn't want to get on Rosalie's bad side. I chuckle at that thought. Jacob is a big muscular guy, but I would still put my money on Rosie.

I found out later what his deal was. He had pulled me aside to ask me if I had been seeing Jasper at the same time as him. I guess when he heard me tell Charlie at the church that Jasper helped me get through all of my issues Jacob mentally did the timeline. I told him the truth in that I had been, but stopped when we had sex, and had not seen him again until well after our break up. He seemed pacified somewhat, but I guess I can't really blame him for having some hard feelings.

I think about starting a conversation with Jasper to lighten the mood, but I am too afraid that my stupid filter will stop working and I will say something that will offend Jasper. Then again, he knows I have no control over what I say most of the time and is going to have to learn to deal with whatever may come out of me at any given moment. So, to ease some of the tension in the car I try to come up with something I consider a _safe topic_…which means completely avoiding all mention of any pre-wedding ceremony events.

He starts talking before I can think of something. "I really like Emmett. I can't believe he came out and stopped me from leaving."

I stare at him in shock. He just delved into the topic I was trying so hard to avoid, for his sake.

_I am so fucking proud of my man. _

He glances over again when I don't say anything. His eyes widen innocently at my expression of pure awe. "What?"

I just shake my head at him. _Can I love him any more?_

"I owe him." Is all he says. He stares at me until it becomes unsafe for him to continue to do so, and his eyes have to return to the road.

"Yeah, well, I think you paid him back with your sister." I joke, but I agree; I will find a way to pay back Emmett for what he has done for us.

_Who had I been kidding? I will always be Emmett's little sis._

He chuckles. "Yeah, were they holding hands under the table?"

"I think so."

He grabs my hand and holds it the remainder of the way home.

When we arrive at his house I notice that his demeanor has changed. He appears jumpy and uncoordinated. I really thought I was going to have to unlock the front door myself. He fidgets with the keys and drops them twice before he gets the door open.

He puts the keys down on the table and drops our bags by the door. He stands facing away from me. His hands rub along his thighs as if trying to rid himself of perspiration, and lets out a ragged breath.

_What is wrong with him?_ He's done this more times than I can ever dream of counting.

_Is that true?_

How many times has he "made love"…if ever? How many people has he taken to bed that he truly loves…if ever?

He suddenly swivels around, jerking me out of my thoughts and into the present. "Would you like something to drink, Bella?"

I had to stop myself from laughing out loud. This man is a nervous wreck. I walk up to him and put my arms around his waist. "So formal?"

His hands automatically circle around my middle. "I-I just…I don't…I haven't…" he shuts his eyes and shakes his head, sporting a crooked grin; trying to put his jumbled thoughts together into one cohesive sentence.

I have a flashback of something he told me the first time we were together. A time when I was so full of anxiety.

_"Don't think, just feel."_

That was what pushed me over the edge to go through with it, to make me trust him. I decide to give him the same advice.

"Don't think…just feel." I whisper. His eyes snap open, and they are hot. All of the emotions play across his face in a beautiful symphony. Shock, desire, devotion, wonder, love…profound love.

_He remembers, too._

"Do you remember everything Bella?" He whispers urgently. His hands are touching every inch of my back, as he rubs his hands up and down in a soothing pattern.

"Yes. They were the best moments of my life." I know at that moment that I am not lying. My time with Edward was precious and wonderful, but Jasper _is_ my "love of a lifetime"…my soul mate.

I will cry over that discovery one day…but not here…not tonight. This is about us.

Besides our recent declarations of love and an understated key exchange, Jasper and I have not made any major pledges to one another, but I have every intention of making him mine in every way, someday.

He did tell me today that he will never let me go again and I plan on making him stick to that. It will take time, but I know that one day, I will get the ultimate commitment from Jasper.

To see him finally let go today was such a milestone in his road to recovery. It was such an amazing breakthrough. Jasper has been through more than anyone his age could ever imagine and he hadn't shed one tear. Not until I falsely agreed that our relationship was over. It told me how strongly he must feel about me…about us.

I clutch his hand and lead us into his bedroom. When we get into the room he turns me into his embrace, he buries his nose in the crook of my neck and we sway gently back and forth, just relishing in the comfort of each other's arms.

I start to feel a fire burn through me as his lips drag across my neck to suck on my lobe.

"I love you." He whispers softly into my ear. I suck in a breath as the onslaught of emotions makes my heartbeat quicken and my skin flush.

I can't find my voice in this very moment, but I promise myself I will make up for my silence later.

The whisper of his breath fanned through my hair as his hands run up and down my arms, slowly and sensually.

Every cell in my body has awakened and is on high alert. I suddenly realize that we have way too much clothing on. My hands run up his abdomen and chest to push off his jacket. I begin unbuttoning his shirt, as he lowers the zipper on the back of my dress. "You looked magnificent tonight angel." I tell him.

As I unfasten each button I place a kiss on his chest. I push the snow white shirt off of him and pull the hem of his t-shirt over his head revealing his sculpted torso.

His mouth is blazing as he trails his tongue and lips from my neck down to my shoulder. He nips the skin there, and moans as I return the favor on the skin stretched taut over his heart.

"Not as beautiful as you, darlin'. I couldn't take my eyes off of you." My dress falls to the floor and he takes a step back to enjoy the view of me in my skimpy and very sexy lingerie. He whispers an obscenity and closes his eyes.

I had taken special care when I purchased this set, hoping that I could seduce my reluctant boyfriend. I chuckle internally; there is not an ounce of reluctance in his eyes now.

"I don't know how long I am going to be able to last." His voice is rough.

I close the distance between us and run my fingertip over his open lips. "It's okay, we have got all night."

"And tomorrow…and the next." He adds, as he strokes my cheek.

I run my fingertip across his bottom lip again. He pokes his tongue out and licks my finger. I rub it along the velvety surface and he sucks my tip into his mouth, as his eyes search for my soul.

"Oh fuck." I whisper as I close my eyes, and let the sensations of having my finger in his mouth take over my body.

My free hand ghosts over his cock through the material of his pants before I grasp it, massaging gently.

He removes my finger from his mouth. "Oh God, Bella. That isn't going to help." He exclaims through gritted teeth.

I lower his zipper and push his pants over his ass. I give his tight cheeks a squeeze which gently brings his hips forward to bump into mine. I feel his erection against my stomach and it makes me sigh.

He kicks off his pants, and then sits down on the edge of his bed, dragging me to stand between his open thighs. His hands settle on my hips. His eyes travel up and down my body before they land on mine. I become lightheaded as the memories assail me of the very first night Jasper and I were together. I had stared down at him, just like I am now, and I remember that I had wanted to kiss his lips so badly. Then, I had rules…

_But now…_

_Now there were no limits._

I brush my thumb over his lips, as I had done then, but this time I lower my head and put my mouth on his.

His hands come up to hold back the hair that had fallen in our faces, as our tongues do an erotic dance. He frees one of his hands from my tresses to cover my breast. He drags his lips away as he watches his hand massage my breast through the silky material. His touches and the emotions playing across his face makes my head fall back on my shoulders and I let out a moan.

_What he can do to me with those eyes. _

He begins to untie my corset, his hands moving quickly and expertly. I chuckle at his nimbleness. Within moments my breasts are free from their confines. He makes no effort to restrain his need, as his eyes are eating me. I can see his cock throbbing in his boxers as his eyes wash over the exposed flesh. He pulls me closer so that I have to lean on him for support as his tongue comes out and laves one of my nipples, gently pulling it into his mouth as he sucks gently, swirling the tightened bud with his tongue.

I weave my hands into his curls and push my tit further in his mouth.

_I need him closer. I need him inside of me._

"Now, Jazz." I say on a groan, as he bites down on my breast just above my nipple, effectively marking me with a dark red spot.

He rises, and we divest each other of the rest of our clothing. Once removed, he starts to pull me toward the bed, but I waylay him. "Get on the bed angel." I say and he complies by stretching out in the middle of the mattress.

His head is propped on pillows, and his hands are joined behind his neck. I walk to the end of the bed and crawl up to him, kissing and biting everything in my wake; a calf, a knee, the inside of a thigh, a hipbone. His straining arousal is within an inch of my mouth, I stay there and look through my lashes up at him.

His eyes are smoldering. "Bella…don't…if you want to do anything else…don't," he warns. I bury my face into his hipbone and giggle, but I avoid his dick altogether, sliding up his body to straddle him.

He grasps my neck and brings his lips up to mine for a feverish kiss. His arms encircle me, crushing our chests together. Now that I have found my voice I pull my lips away to murmur against his mouth, "I love you."

In a split second I am on my back, one of his hands is holding him up while the other teases my nipple. He is placing open mouthed kisses along my neck, down my chest, over my breast, down my ribcage to my belly button. He presses his tongue into my belly button before he licks down to my hipbones.

He brings his hands underneath my thighs and bends my legs. He places his arms underneath them and snakes them up to caress my belly and hip. He kisses each of my thighs before his mouth becomes hot and heavy. Working his magic, he dips in and out of me with his tongue, wasting no time in bringing me to the edge. His hands come back around to grasp handfuls of my ass as he tongue fucks me into oblivion. I scream out with pleasure.

My orgasm is swift and just. With my head thrown back and aftershocks going through me he finds my mouth for a searing kiss. I can taste myself on his tongue and it turns me on further.

He poises himself at my entrance. "Are you sure about this Bella?"

I know he is talking about making love without a condom. I raise my hips and press them into his hardness.

He eases into me, relishing every fucking inch. He is raised on one of his hands and we are both watching as he penetrates me. I look at him and watch as his eyes lift, staring off into space before they flutter shut.

"Bella, you feel so fucking incredible." He opens his eyes and gazes down at me intently. "You are so amazing."

He lowers himself, and my hips undulate as he moves in and out at an agonizingly slow pace. I can't take anymore so I buck my hips up and he responds by accelerating.

His lips crash down, and his tongue thrusts against mine in wild abandon. He joins both of our hands and places them above my head. He lifts his head infinitesimally and our breaths mingle as his movements become unleashed and jerky.

"Bella…" Is the only thing he can get out before he grunts and moans out as he releases his semen deep inside me. My bliss comes moments later.

We both lay replete, our breathing returning to normal. I can see that he is fighting to stay coherent, so I speak before it falls on deaf ears. "Thank you for everything you did today angel."

He opens his eyes and they are intense. "I will do anything for you darlin', not just today…always. I love you."

I blush. I actually blush. He notices, and chuckles. I smile, but it hurts my mouth. I rub my hands over my lips and smile. They are badly abraded and I couldn't be fucking happier about it.

By the time I return his sentiment he is fast asleep.

^*^

"No more! I need sustenance woman!" Jasper says, as I kiss a trail down his flat belly to his hard cock.

It is about noon and we haven't gotten out of bed yet. We only had about two hours of solid sleep. We are both hungry and tired, but I can't seem to stop. Unfortunately, life intervenes.

I sigh into his abdomen. "I guess we should get up. I have to get home and feed the cats." I admit grudgingly. I really didn't want to leave this bed, let alone his house.

"I think you should move the cats here." He says quietly. I look up to see if he is serious, and I note that his cheeks are slightly red and he definitely does not look like he is playing with me.

"Are…are you serious?" I ask, too afraid to hope.

"Move in with me Bella." He whispers.

I slide up and attack his mouth. "Really? Yes, yes, yes." I say as I place kisses all over his face.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*************************^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Jasper and I have been living together for six months.

It took three months to sell my house, but I couldn't wait, and moved in pretty much right away. Our relationship is fucking amazing. I fall more in love with Jasper everyday. He is everything that is cool in my life. He is my favorite song, he is my chocolate, he's my fresh air and my sunshine. I honestly don't know what I would do without him.

I received a promotion at work today so I can't wait to get home and tell him. When I walk in _our_ house he is standing by the front door, like he is waiting for me.

_Strange._ But I am too excited to question him about it. I immediately jump into his arms. "Guess what?"

He looks surprised, and what looks like slightly weary. "I got a promotion today!!" I exclaim as I bounce up and down in his arms.

He looks away, and then back to me. "Congratulations darlin'." He says half-heartedly, but gives me a tight hug.

I look in the direction that he had glanced in, and I see candles flickering. I walk into the kitchen to see that he has a candlelit dinner ready and waiting.

_What is today?_

I mentally go through my calendar for any relationship milestones. I can't recall any. "What is this for?"

"Oh…nothing special…but now we can celebrate your promotion." He says over-enthusiastically. I eye him, and I don't think he is being completely honest.

I have obviously ruined some type of surprise with my news. Reluctantly, I drop it because I know that whatever moment he was trying to create is now gone. We enjoy a nice dinner, but I can see the tension in his face and posture.

"What's up angel?" I give him the look that tells him he better not fib.

"I went to see James today."

He is always stressed out whenever he goes to see James.

"Jazz, maybe you need to see Tanya."

He scrubs his face with his hands, but he smiles softly. "You're probably right. It has been a while."

Then he gives me a devilish grin. "What I want right now…" he says as he grabs me, "is this." He pulls me onto his lap and moves my hair so he can kiss my neck.

We make it to the bedroom and he reaches for the hem of my shirt. "WAIT!" I yell. I run back to the kitchen and then meet him back in the bedroom to find him naked and on the bed, waiting for me.

_God, I love this man!_

"Put these on." I give him his fuck-me glasses.

_Well, glasses…if you insist._

* * *

**AN: Well, they finally sealed the deal, plus some interesting new developments. You guys are running out of chapters to tell me what you think of my story so please take the time to let me know. Pretty please...I am not above begging. **

**It is also time to start planning some outtakes so let me know if you are interested. I am willing to consider anything. Ros/Em, Ros/Vic, Al/Jac, Bel/Jas (if I haven't planned it for JPOV)…etc. Let me know which POV is preferred with your choice.**


	31. Sex and Candy

**AN: Thanks so much for everything. I appreciate all of the comments you have bestowed on me. I wouldn't have gotten this far without all of your love and support.**

**Sorry about the short reviews, I have been battling with connectivity tonight due to some storms and I really wanted to get this chapter out. **

**I have had the pleasure of getting sneak previews of some of Lady Blue Knight's work and it is amazing, so please check out her series, "The Pool Boy". She is also creating a one-shot for the "Home for the Holidays" contest that should be out this weekend, so put her on Author Alert so you don't miss it.**

**QueenBeta Cullen818 rocks!**

* * *

**Sex and Candy – Marcy Playground**

I smell sex and candy here  
Who's that lounging in my chair  
Who's that casting devious stares  
In my direction  
Mama this surely is a dream  
Yeah mama this surely is a dream  
Yeah mama this surely is a dream

**Chapter 31**

Where the fuck is he? Goddammit! I didn't have all night. If I didn't need to get laid I wouldn't be putting up with his fucking shit.

It is hotter than hell in here. The satin blood red slip dress that I am wearing clings to me as a slight sheen of perspiration covers my torso.

Most women with similar features would have never picked a dress like this out for themselves. But instead of my strawberry blonde hair clashing with my dress, it only compliments it further, and the deep crimson makes my emerald green eyes pop.

I know I look hot. He isn't going to be able to resist me. If he ever fucking gets here, that is.

The smell of smoke, wine and sweat permeates the air. The bar is crowded and couples are slowly gyrating against each other on the dance floor as the erotic Latin music fills the room. Watching the couples out there isn't helping my craving for a hard fucking cock buried deep in my core.

I slowly sip on my Amaretto Sour. The drink is starting to sink in…to relax me. I am ready to get up and start dancing myself, but I have no partner. He usually doesn't make me wait.

What we have is casual, and when I am done with his sorry ass I'll move onto the next. The end was drawing near, I know. Our last meeting was tiresome, and I had to put more effort into it than I should have. But I needed the body heat tonight and I didn't want to expend the energy it would take to find a guy when I already knew someone that basically knew what it took to get me off.

Just then my phone vibrates and I grab it out of my small red clutch. All it read was: Can't make it, I'll make it up later.

That was it? I'll make it up later? I think not. That fuckwad isn't getting anywhere near my pussy again. He will be the sorrier one since I know how to get him off better than he knows how to return the favor.

I decide to finish my drink before I leave, but I avoid looking at the lusty display on the dance floor anymore.

God knows that if I wanted to get screwed bad enough I could have anyone in this place. I glance around at the bar to notice several young, robust gentlemen scattered around the room seemingly without company for the evening. I sigh. I feel like fucking, I didn't feel like flirting.

I down the rest of my drink and turn to grab my clutch and wrap off of the seat next to me when I notice a tall figure enter into my peripheral vision. I raise my green eyes and they are met with the most beautiful man I have ever seen. He is at the bar ordering a drink so I can enjoy him without his knowledge. His hair is blonde and is drawn back into a tight ponytail at the back of his neck. His eyes are piercing, but I am a bit too far away, and the room is too dimly lit to notice the pigment. He is tall and seems to be muscular. He has on a black, expensive suit that is open in the front. He has on a crisp white shirt that has the first two buttons undone, displaying a soft pale neck and throat.

Fuck, this guy is delicious. He now has one arm leaning on the bar as he is waiting for his drink. His eyes are following the dancer's performing the salsa on the dance floor. The bartender returns with his drink. When the rim of the glass reaches his luscious lips his eyes land on me.

He finishes his drink in one gulp; he sets the glass down, and then signals the bartender for another. As soon as the bartender receives the order his eyes come back to mine. The drink is delivered; he picks it up and makes his way over to me. My breathing accelerates, my heart pounding rapidly in my chest. I haven't felt this alive in a long time. He stands over me now. Towering over me in all his fucking glory.

His eyes scan over me, taking in everything. When his eyes end up on mine I see appreciation and what looks like a flicker of affection before it disappears and is replaced with a façade of cool indifference.

All of a sudden I am up for the challenge_._

He bends down next to me so that our eyes are level with each other. "I think you dropped your cell phone." The tenor of his voice sends a shiver from my neck, down my spine and lands in my center. Like a shock, I almost moan audibly.

He reaches down and picks an object off of the bar floor. I glance down, and sure enough, my cell phone is in his hand.

My eyes never leave his as I place my hand over his hand and slowly slide my phone from it. "Thank you…?" I say breathlessly, with unintentional seductiveness. I trail off with a question, so he will hopefully give me his name.

"Felix." He finishes my statement. "And you're welcome…?" He does the same thing.

"Tanya." I reply.

He says something under his breath, but it was too quiet for me to catch. My guess is that it was an expletive because what I did catch was the pure, unadulterated hunger in his eyes. Another shiver and almost another audible moan erupt in me. He swiftly comes to his feet and his eyes dart around the room.

Dammit. That moan must have escaped. However, I can hardly berate myself too much since it seemed to have such an affect on him.

"Tanya." He repeats, low and sexy. "Well…have a nice evening Tanya." Before I can say another word he is gone.

_Fuck. Where did he go?_

My eyes search the bar frantically. It is a few minutes before I see him at a table in the back. He appears to be by himself, and he is watching me.

We are having a staring contest when the waitress stops by my table. "Would you like another, honey?" She says as she points toward my empty glass. I force my eyes to her. "Yes, please."

"Amaretto Sour?" She clarifies and I confirm with a quick nod. She leaves and my eyes return to the Adonis - except he isn't fucking there.

_Goddammit. Where did he go now?_

I find him in the last place I look…on the dance floor. He has some blonde bimbo in his arms. She is thrusting her almost fully exposed, ample bosom in his chest. His eyes, though, are not on that ample chest, but on me.

How very interesting. His game is to make me jealous…but it isn't going to work. I know who Felix is leaving here with tonight. It's me. I will win. There is no uncertainty in my mind.

But I'm game. I look around the bar and find the _next_ most attractive guy in the bar.

He's a blonde too, he doesn't compare to the blonde god on the dance floor, but he'll do for what I plan on using him for. I saunter up to him, he sees me coming and he watches my approach. I smile seductively; licking my lips in anticipation, but not for what this guy has to offer – but instead what he is going to bring to me.

Yeah, I am a selfish bitch, but this guy is pretty good looking. After I leave with the gorgeous one, this guy will have the pick of the litter. So I am not so worried about hurting his feelings a bit.

I am bold tonight, so I walk directly up to him. We are not touching, but I can feel his body heat through the thin v-neck cream sweater that he is wearing. I study him briefly. This is someone that I would totally jump if I hadn't already encountered the hottest man alive. I reach my hand up and trace the top of one of his shoulders with my fingertips.

"Dance?" What more was there to be said? I really don't want to know this guy. I don't want to know what his name is or what he's doing here. I don't ask or care if he is here with someone. He is a means to an end. Albeit, a very satisfying and delicious end.

I lace my fingers through his and make my way through the crowd. Once we hit the dance floor, he pulls me into his embrace but we are too far away from my target so I weave our dancing steps through the mass so that I am bumping backs with the object of my desire.

I ignore Felix thoroughly as I lace my fingers around my partner's neck. We glide around the floor in a bad rendition of the meringue. I am amazed at the grace of the beautiful man dancing next to me. I am surprised that he knows the steps so well. His partner is not half as good as him, her steps are faltering and her stance is slumped. It is a disgrace. He catches me looking at her with disgust and takes it the wrong way. He has a smirk on his face that I want to fuck off of him.

The famed, La Cumparista begins to blare through the bar's stereo system, signaling for the Tango.

I turn back to my partner and decide to turn up the heat. My head falls to his shoulder and I make an effort to show that I am breathing in his scent. My arms encircle him and I give him a tight squeeze as our bodies are now flush with one another, my hands are precariously close to the man's tight buttocks.

Felix has his eyes fixed on my hands and while his expression seems aloof, his eyes are like shards of ice.

My partner places his lips at my ear and whispers, "I don't know the Tango all that well. Can we get out of here so we can get to know each other a little better?" The inflection is clear.

Sex is up for grabs. I'm just not interested.

Not with him anyway. Preparing to let him down easy, I pull away to look into his eyes, a soft smile playing on my lips, but I feel firm pressure on my arm and I look up to find Felix looking at me. He gives my partner a quick glance and then fixes his eyes on mine again. He has a tight smile on his face.

I pull away from the man I am dancing with, putting some distance between us. I have just realized what we had looked like. Our faces had been inches apart and we were both smiling at each other. It looked very intimate. That was not my intention, and it was clear Felix took it the wrong way. Hopefully, I haven't ruined it. My breathing stops as I wait for him to speak.

"May I have this next dance?" He asks. I let out a large gust of air. I will make this up to him. I promise.

"My partner was just telling me he didn't know how to Tango so it looks like I am in need of a partner." I am fervently hoping that he understands by my statement that the conversation that I was previously having was not as personal as he may have thought.

He gives me a more genuine smile then. "Well, I am not very good at the Tango either, but we can give it a whirl. Okay?" _Hell yeah._

His eyes are full of mischief as he grabs my waist and twirls me around the dance floor in perfect form and skill, effectively dismissing my last partner in our wake. His la cunita is performed at the highest level, his frame is meticulous. _What the fuck?_ I am finding him more mysterious now than when he first came through the door.

The song is over too soon, he impresses me with a flawless dip, his eyes delving into mine as the songs last notes are played.

He releases me and bows. "It was a pleasure…Tanya." My name rolls off his lips like velvet honey. I feel a little discharge in my panties after he levels me with a look of unbridled desire.

He leads me back to my table and walks away without another word. _Well fuck that._ I rise from my seat in order to search him out, not willing to accept the minor contact that we have had up until this point. I want my hand down his pants, I want to massage

his cock until it is fair to bursting, and then he can show me what he is made of.

I spot him at the bar, but I didn't notice him right away because he is surrounded by several women who most likely witnessed the display on the dance floor. That coupled with his looks will make him a prime target for every single and married female in the room.

His eyes are still on mine. He wants me. There is no fucking denying it. That is why I feel confident enough to walk out the door. He will follow me. There is no doubt in my mind.

I make sure his eyes are on me when I pick up my wrap and clutch and head toward the exit/entrance of the bar. When I get outside the night air is refreshing, the wind blows through my strawberry tresses, drying the small amount of perspiration on my hairline.

I start to move toward a little patch of trees surrounding a gazebo off to side of the bar. The bar is located in a remote area, with trees surrounding the building I know that we would have privacy if needed.

_Should I wait for him? _No. Let him think I left. It will serve him right.

I notice when I get to the gazebo, beyond the trees there is a small stream. I walk toward it and look out into the still water.

He won't see me out this far. _Who_ _cares? When I want him to find me, he will_.

My mind drifts to work, but I shut it out instantly. Work was the last thing I wanted to think about tonight. I don't need to think about all of the appointments that I have next week.

I am losing focus.

Just as I am about to start going over the night again in my head I feel an arm snake around my waist. A small smile plays on my lips as I look down and recognize the suit-covered arm.

Without saying anything he backs me up about ten or so steps, until we are underneath a large elm tree. His breath fans my hair, just above my ear. His hands start at my shoulders and work there way down to my wrists. He encircles them with his fingers and lifts them up and over my head. There is a low hanging branch that I can just reach comfortably. He places my hands on the branch and squeezes my fingers against the bark, silently telling me to not let go.

_Oh, fuck yes._

As my hands clutch the tree, his hands ghost back down my arms, down the sides of my breasts, over my ribcage and settle on my hips. He moves in closer and his body is flush against my backside. I can already feel a massive hard-on pressing into my lower back, his need evident. I moan low and deep.

One arm circles across my stomach tightly, while he brings the other up to move my hair over one shoulder. As soon as that has been accomplished his mouth lands on my neck; nibbling and sucking. Tasting me.

His lips become ardent and his hands become bolder. He bends down slightly so that his hands settle on my thighs, rubbing circles as he places open-mouthed kisses on the exposed skin on my back and neck. I am drowning in wave after wave of lust and passion. My knees are becoming weak and I put pressure on my hands so that the small tree branch keeps me upright.

As he begins to straighten himself out his hands come up and bring the fabric of my dress with them. I look down to watch the satin of my dress fall over his very masculine hands.

My head falls back in pleasure as his hands find my silk panties and start massaging my core in unyielding strokes. My breath is rapid, coming out in small pants. White sparks are shooting out in front of my eyes.

"Do you want this baby?" I heard him growl behind me. _Oh Goddamn, I am gonna cum._

I whimper in answer and he lets out a moan on my neck as he continues to assault me with his tongue and teeth; nipping my earlobe, licking the length of my neck. He is intoxicating.

I am dizzy with the need for release, but trying so fucking hard to hold it off with everything in me.

His fingers delve into the tiny material covering my wet pussy, stroking my clit at a slow, hypnotizing pace. His other hand drags my dress up higher as he cups a breast; his fingers working the nipple to perfection.

My whole body is taut with the tension, and feels like it is on fire. My body undulates in the rhythm of both of his hands. His hand drags to my other tit to perform the same miracles.

I am making noises I have never heard before and that spurs him to dip down and dig his hard cock into the crack of my ass. Groaning with the need for some kind of release of his own.

"Please…" I beg him to stop and continue at the same time.

"What do you want Tanya?" He says in a gruff voice as his erection is slowly pumping against my backside.

"You. I want you Felix. Please…"

His hands stop, and move up to my hands still holding onto the branch for dear life.

He squeezes them again; giving me my orders.

He quickly moves around me. I finally get to see him and the sight almost makes me cum instantly. I want to remove my hands so that I can wrap them around my middle to prevent the muscles from contracting, which will throw me into a premature climax, but I am not allowed. He rips off his suit jacket and unbuttons and unzips his pants, but leaves them clinging to his hips.

He falls to his knees and lowers my panties. He brings his hand up to rest against my stomach lightly taking the fabric of my dress with him. His lips go right to my clit, sucking and licking. It doesn't take long before I fear that I am going to topple over on him but I remain steadfast, trying to make this last as long as possible.

I am actually happy that I am having this problem because when I feel my impending orgasm I focus on the difficult task of standing. He has one hand on my stomach and the other rubbing the cheeks of my ass.

As he dips his tongue into my folds I give out a sharp cry, I fall further into the abyss when I look down and watch him stroking his own cock. The look of his hand furiously working over his cock and the sight of precum leaking out of his slit did me in.

I scream out in ecstasy as white, hot fire shoots through me like a hurricane. Once the tremors subside I can still see the pained look in his eyes of unfulfilled desire.

I can't stand to see that look, so I disobey and let go of the branch. My knees instantly give way, and I land on the ground next to him. I immediately dive on him. Our mouths connect for a scorching, wet, open-mouthed, tongue twisting kiss. Our lips are smash together so that we can find the deepest recesses of each other's mouths.

My hand blindly disengages his own hand from his cock. I take both my hands and push him down on the dirt floor. I lower my head to his throbbing erection and take into my mouth, sucking deep.

"Oh, God." Rips out of his throat before his hips heave up into my mouth. His face is a mask of pain. I suck him off with expertise. After a few moments I let him go.

"I want you inside of me." I say. He groans and moves rapidly to his knees, but instead of letting me fall on my back he turns me over so that I am on all fours.

His cock enters my pussy and he pounds in and out frantically. I can feel his thighs shaking against mine. He is grunting and moaning, which is totally fucking with my head and I explode into another climax. My explosion ignites his and he falls into his own orgasm. His hands tight on my ass as he groans out his pleasure.

He pulls out and falls on the ground next to me. I lower myself down to the cool dirt as well. Our heads were facing away from each other, but at the same time we bring our heads around to look at each other. Our heads lay on the ground while we gaze into each other's eyes.

All of a sudden we start laughing simultaneously. He slowly drags himself up and holds out his hands for me. We both dust ourselves off and straighten our tattered clothing.

I start pulling the pins from my hair. He chuckles when he notices my discomfort and starts to help me rip the damn thing off.

We start walking back to the bar hand-in-hand.

"Wow, darlin' you put a lot into it tonight. Hair AND contacts." He says, surprised.

"Nothing but the best for you, angel." I respond as I pull the wig completely off.

It is just then that I remembered and I sock him in the arm.

"What are you talking about? You actually learned the Tango…for me!" I dance around him, completely and utterly in love.

He grabs me close. "It's because I love you Bella." He whispers into my hair.

"Yeah, well next time Tanya gets to wear something more comfortable. These shoes are killing me."

"Well, we can always go back to the cheerleader outfit. You can wear gym shoes with that." He points out.

"Yeah, you'd like that." I smile…remembering.

I grab his hand again and swing it between us as we continue to walk to our cars.

"By the way, I love you too, Jazz." I say as I bring his hand up to my mouth for a kiss.

* * *

**AN: Ok, so I am jumping up and down waiting for your reviews, so please, please respond and let me know if I fooled ya! C'mon I must have tricked at least one of ya! I LOVED this chap.**

**You will most likely see another visit from Tanya and Felix in Jaspers POV.**


	32. Tangled Up In You

**AN: Bonus chapter!**

**So I did this chapter because some of you weren't happy with my role playing chapter. If I would have told you that they were role playing in the beginning it would have been no fun at all.**

**I started a community called "Jasper/Bella over 1000 club". This is all the Jasper/Bella fics that made it over 1000 reviews. I was astounded that there were only 25 stories out of 1600 that were over. That is just sad. Remember to review your favorite stories. There are some stories out there that should have made it over and didn't.**

**Anyway, subscribe if you want to know whenever one hits 1000, or at least check it out to see if you have missed any. I am glad I did it, because I had missed a couple.**

**QueenBeta Cullen818 rocks!!**

* * *

Epilogue – Part 1 of 2

**Tangled Up In You – Stain'd**

_You're the fire  
That warms me when i'm cold  
You're the hand  
I have to hold as I grow old  
You're the shore  
When I am lost at sea  
You're the only thing  
That I like about me_

_And in this world  
Where nothing else is true  
Here I am  
Still tangled up in you  
I'm still tangled up in you_

**Chapter 32**

Okay, so I am trying to figure out what is wrong with my angel.

I thought our role playing would help. That always seems to work whenever he or I have been in a funk.

When we decided to plan another Tanya/Felix engagement I thought it was strange that Jasper selected a simple, "Sex with a Stranger" theme. It left me feeling like I really needed to spice it up. I ordered green contacts and strawberry blond hair, thinking that he would, at least, have a hard time recognizing me. I should have known better. Not only did Jasper spot me right away, but he had gone and outdone himself too. Learning the Tango is not easy…I should know, especially at the level that he performed it. I can't believe he made time for that.

The night and scenario worked out perfectly except that both Jasper and I agreed to avoid jealousy on future occasions. I had admitted that I didn't like seeing him in another woman's arms, and he did not enjoy seeing me cuddled up with another man, as well.

The experience did release some of Jasper's tension, but did not cure him completely of whatever is ailing him. I know he has a lot on his mind with school and having to prepare to testify in court, but since I came home that night and told him about my promotion he has been acting odd. I'd really like to figure it out because it is starting to freak me out a bit.

I know Jasper is not leaving me or anything like that. I just don't like to see him unhappy.

Rosalie and Emmett invited us to go see a local band with them at The Machine Shop.

Rosalie and Emmett have been seeing each other steadily since the wedding. Those two were quite the match. She doted on him and he treated her like the queen that they both thought she was. Normally Rosalie's attitude put men off, but Emmett seemed to like her more because of it.

I ask Jasper, and I was positive that he will decline, but after a moments thought he smiles and says yes. And it isn't just any smile, it is the smile I have been missing…the one that comes right from his soul.

The only thing that Jasper requested is that we drive separately. I am a little curious as to why, but I don't ask because he just seems to be too fucking happy about it, and I am not about to be responsible for wiping that gorgeous smile off of his face.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^**************************^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Hey darlin'? Have you heard this band before?" He asks conversationally as we walk to the bar from our parking spot, hand-in-hand.

I am still smarting a bit because he didn't recognize where we parked.

The streets were packed again tonight for the show, and the only available parking spot was exactly the same spot my car was in the day that we had our very first encounter.

_What are the chances?? _

I didn't say anything because I wanted to see if he would remember…and he didn't. I really didn't expect him to, but I still had hoped.

We had dinner beforehand with Rosalie and Emmett, and I was surprised that Jasper did most of the talking. He talked and laughed easily with the two of them, and it made me happy just to watch him. Jasper and Emmett were becoming fast friends.

"Darlin'? You with me?" He asks with eyebrows raised. I had completely forgot that he had asked me a question.

"Umm…No, but I heard they are really good. Have you?" I ask, swinging our hands between us high in the air.

"Yep. About a year ago…I think you are really gonna like them." He predicts. Rosalie said that they were some type of metal band, so I am pretty sure I am going to dig them.

"Awesome. Are you going to dance with me?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

He laughs. "People don't dance to them…they jump around."

"Like how? Like this? 'Cause I can so do that. See…" I start jumping up and down, as we walk. He has to stop walking because he is laughing at me.

I love making him laugh; it makes me feel so fucking alive.

"You should wait until the music starts darlin'." He says through more chuckles.

"Why? This is so much fun." I say, slightly breathless.

"Well, than I guess it would be okay to do this." He grabs me and twists me up high in the air. I land on his shoulders.

"Get me down from here!" I yell, as I hold onto his head in a death grip. I have always been scared of even the smallest of heights and being on Jasper's shoulders is more than slightly uncomfortable. I feel myself swaying, readying myself to topple over at any minute.

"Alright darlin'." He grabs the underside of one of my forearms and twists me down his body. My chest slowly slides down his, as he lowers me to the ground. When I am eye level with him he pauses to stare into my eyes. He mouths the words "I love you" and my throat constricts.

_Fuck! _Will I ever get used to him telling me he loves me?

He sets me on the ground and continues to clasp onto my arms, as I search for my equilibrium.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Rosalie admonishes, but with humor in her voice.

"Sorry. I don't think we are ever going to grow up." I say with a blush.

Jasper and I can act like such children sometimes…and I fucking love it! It just confirms my suspicions that Jasper is going to be a great dad someday. That is a subject I have been thinking about a whole lot lately. My biological clock must be ticking or something because I have daydreamed about Jasper and I having children several times in the past month.

Will we have boys or girls? Will they have Jasper's blond curls or my stupid plain hair? Blue eyes or brown?

Holy crap, we aren't even engaged, and I know that some people don't need things to happen in a specific order, but I definitely want the ring before the babies will be forthcoming.

Emmett pulls out his big boy voice, "now, kids, it is time to grow up and act like the adults that you are." Then he proceeds to run around us in a circle playing duck-duck-goose, even including a couple of the strangers from the crowd. After he names Jasper the "goose" he tears off into the mass with Jasper chasing at his heels.

".God." Rosalie says, as she covers the giggles she is trying to suppress. "You have turned my brother into a little child again." She puts her arm around my shoulders and squeezes me tight. "Thank you." She whispers.

"Don't thank me, it is my pleasure."

It's about five minutes later when I spot Jasper and Emmett walking back toward us. Jasper is saying something to him, and Emmett's head is bent low in his direction, listening. Every now and then Emmett nods his head in agreement. Before they get to us Emmett smiles huge at Jasper, and slaps him on the back.

Jasper looks so…happy! His blue eyes dancing brightly as he returns Emmett's smile.

He comes close and puts his arms around me, giving me a small peck on the lips. Emmett and Rosalie put on more of a demonstration, with tongues down throats and heavy groping.

^*^

The band put on an awesome show, and we all had a great time.

After the show is over we part ways, with Rosalie making plans for us to get our nails done and Jasper and Emmett to go play Worleyball with some of Emmett's other friends.

I am idly chatting about the band on the way to the car when I notice that Jasper is not responding. I look at him to find him staring into space. He notices my eyes on him and smiles weakly.

He looks like he is going to be sick. "You feeling okay angel?" I ask, concerned.

As we approach the car Jasper is walking abnormally slow. I grab onto him, trying to support as much of his weight as I can. "I'll drive…just let me get the car door for you."

I let go of him to grab a hold of the door. I turn around and let out a yelp as I find Jasper on the ground…well, one knee, his head bent. My worry makes my heart pump wildly, and I am having a hard time breathing.

_What the fuck is wrong?_

"Jasper…oh my God…what is wr…" I stop when he lifts his head and has the brightest, most glorious smile on his face. I look down further and notice that he is holding a small box in his hand.

_Oh. My. Fucking. God._

He clears his throat. "You're my everything Bella. Well…correction…you're everything to me, except my wife and the mother of my children, but I am ready to take one step closer to rectifying one of those situations tonight."

He opens the box and I see the most beautiful solitaire diamond nestled in a platinum band.

"I know this isn't the most romantic setting, but when the opportunity presented itself I couldn't pass it up. Rose brought her car here earlier in the day to make sure no one parked here, and then they moved it when we were just getting ready to pull in the lot."

I get down on my knees in front of him. His eyes shine with unshed tears, and I can feel the love he is transmitting to me in waves through every pore of his body.

"I didn't think you remembered." I say quietly.

He cups my neck and whispers against my lips. "How could I not? This is where my life started." He pauses, as the meaning of his own words makes his breathing difficult.

_Why not continue this where it all began?_

"I knew I wanted you right away. That first day. I wanted you forever, but when I met you I was broken Bella, and I didn't think I deserved you, I still don't…but by some miracle you love me too." He explains fervently.

He rubs his lips along mine. I realize that I haven't answered him yet, and then I realize he hasn't even asked me yet.

He pulls away. "Bella…my darlin', will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? My life mate? The mother of my children? I love you more than anything in the whole world, and I want to spend the rest of my days with you."

I am not sure when I started to cry, but I have tears streaming down my cheeks. "Of course I will. I love you too…so, so much. But you are wrong, angel...you do deserve me, you deserve the world, and I will make sure I give it to you. I was broken too. You were the only person who could have saved me. You have been my angel, from that very first day."

He takes out the ring with trembling fingers and shaky breath and slides it on my ring finger. I take a millisecond to look at it on my hand before I clasp my arms around Jasper and squeeze as tightly as I can.

We are brought out of our moment by applause and guffaws. We both look over to find a very happy Rosalie and Emmett. Both standing there with huge smiles on their faces.

Jasper gives them an expression of clear annoyance and exasperation.

"What?" Rosalie says, tapping her foot, and raising her eyebrows with defiance.

"You didn't think we would miss the second half of the show, did ya?" Emmett asks.

Jasper looks at me and his expression changes to one of complete reverence. He stands up and then helps me, our eyes never leaving each other, even after we are both enveloped in big, burly arms.

I make it my goal then and there to give Jasper the life I know he deserves. I will also make sure his past never interferes with his happiness again…and that all starts and ends with him forgiving himself.

* * *

**AN: This is not over, so stay tuned for the second half of the epilogue. **

**So, I know this chapter was cheesy, but aren't all proposals flaky…really? I guess I am just not a romantic, I am more of a passionate, give-it-to-me-now, type person so all this seems pretty goofy to me.**

**This was supposed to be done in Jaspers POV because I thought it would be more poignant there, but some of you guys were demanding it. I am holding out on the engagement sex for his POV though.**

**Let me know what you thought of this chapter. Pretty please.**


	33. Tangled Up In You Pt 2

**AN: This is the last chapter of Finding Relief, but Jasper and Bella's story is hardly over as you will see. I am leaving this story with a wee bit of a cliffie that will be resolved in "Finding Forgiveness" which is already out. I just want to remind everyone that even though these two stories are the same, they are also completely different. I urge you just to try it out. If you are worried about Jaspers encounters with his other clients I have been keeping that to a minimum and the worst is already over. I don't want to force you to read it though, so what I have decided is that when I reach the resoluting chapters in Finding Forgiveness I will post them on this story as well, or at the very least, post on this story to let you know that we are at that point in Jasper's POV. For those of you not planning to read let me know which you prefer. In any case, I won't be closing this story out as I may also add some outtakes.**

**I want to thank everyone for reading and reviewing. Who would have thought a ninety-second dream could turn into this. PLEASE REVIEW and let me know what you thought of my story. Last chance!**

**This will probably be my most read AN so I just want to plug the community I started again. "Jasper/Bella 1000 review club" on my profile page. Check it out to see if you have missed any and sign up if you want to know about future ones.**

**I want to thank my sis, CoreysGal for beta-ing the first half of this and QueenBeta Cullen818 for the other half.**

**This chapter is dedicated to someone's birthday next week, I wish I would have had time to do more for her, she has been awesome to me. She'll know who she is… **

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**Tangled Up in You - Stain'd pt 2**

_And in this world  
Where nothing else is true  
Here I am  
Still tangled up in you  
I'm still tangled up in you_

Epilogue Part 2 of 2

**Chapter 33**

**Six years later - July 4th**

"Darrrllinn'" Jasper hisses. "Stop being so loud, you're going to wake Sasha up." Our three-year old daughter is a very light sleeper.

"But you feel so damn good." I groan. He chuckles, but is soon fades as he thrusts slowly in and out of me, and the pleasure takes over his body.

Our hands are tangled in each others hair and our faces are within an inch of each other, as we stare into each other's eyes.

His eyes flutter as his orgasm approaches, but he fights to keep his eyes open. There is an intensity in them that makes me moan aloud.

"I love you darlin' - with every fiber of my being. I love you Bella Hale."

He pulls out almost completely before he dives back in, moving torturously slow. Each time his hips connect with mine he circles his, creating the much desired friction on my weak spot.

My hands leave his hair to frame his face. "I love you, too angel – with everything that I have."

I lower my hand and slap his cute little ass. Hard. "Now stop teasing me and get me off."

He chuckles and lowers his head into my neck and mumbles, "yes ma'am." And then he did.

^*^

"Papa? Are you going to let me play on the new swing set like you promised?" Sasha asks.

Jasper kisses her on the head as he pours milk into her cereal. "Of course baby girl. A promise is a promise…right?" He crouches down to eye level and adds, "I just have to give a little speech first and then it is playtime. Okay?" Sasha leans forward and places a kiss on his nose. He ruffles her hair. She crinkles her nose at him.

"Hey now. It took me a while to tame all those curls. Don't go messing it up." I admonish. They both look at each other and giggle. Sasha ended up with my dark brown hair, but at least she has her daddy's spirals.

"Can…can I stay up for all those, umm…fireworks?" It was July fourth, Sasha's favorite day of the year. Jasper had planned this event for this day, just for his daughter.

"You sure can, sweetie." I say as I tamp down her hair to the best of my abilities.

^*^

I drop Sasha off at Grandpa Charlie's and head off to run a few tasks for today's activities.

It's finally happening! Jasper had decided a year ago what to use his mom and dad's inheritance for. So, after he finished school he used some of the money to set up his own practice. The rest of the inheritance was put toward today's event.

It is the ribbon cutting ceremony for the Claire Hale Memorial Playground. Jasper is on his way there to go over some last minute details while I am picking up some flowers for the ceremony, and some food for the barbeque we are having afterward.

The whole clan will be there. Charlie will be bringing Sue and Sasha. Rosalie and Emmett will be there with their two-year-old boy, Billy.

His name is actually William, which was Rosalie, and Jasper's father's name. Billy's middle name is Edward.

_Who would have thought that I would ever be related to the Cullen's again? _Surprisingly, Jasper didn't mind having the Cullen's in our life, and he never discouraged me from going to see Edward, which I still did a couple of times a year.

Carlisle and Esme helped set up the whole ceremony today, and were acting like proud parents.

Alice and Jacob flew in from California where they are now living. Alice works as a Purchaser for Sak's and Jacob, of course, teaches swimming and now his new favorite pastime, surfing. Alice and Jacob just got engaged last month.

Angela and Seth will arrive with their two adopted boys, Paul and Sam. Mike will be there also.

_Still my boss and still alone._

I am very excited about today, but I am even more thrilled about tonight. Tonight I will give Jasper the news. It seems that we have another child on the way. I found out four weeks ago that I am pregnant which puts me at nine weeks now. I haven't told Jasper yet, because of all of the stress associated with this occasion.

_But tonight…_

_Can I get any fucking happier!_

When I found out, I went directly to Edward. I missed him so much, but I shiver at the thought of never having found Jasper or not having him and Sasha in my life.

I find it amazing how lucky I am to have found two men that were exactly the other half of me. Surely, they were as different as night and day, but when I was with Edward, we fit together like two puzzle pieces, but when I lost him, my piece got mangled…it changed, as my needs did. Then I found Jasper whose piece fit snugly into my newly formed one.

I can't imagine a life worth living without Jasper. He truly is my life. He has come to terms with his past and has forgiven himself almost completely. Only on his darkest days did any self loathing come out, but those days were few and far between and only took a matter or minutes for me to resolve.

I run into the grocery store, skimming down aisles quickly to gather the items needed for the barbeque when my cell phone starts…ringing. Almost everyone I know has a specific song so it is weird that it is ringing. I flip it open, there is no number listed.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hello. Is this Mrs. Hale?" A voice of a woman asks.

"Umm…yes." That is all I need right now, a telemarketer.

I debate on just hanging up but then I hear her say. "This is Karen from St. Mary's Hospital there has been an accident. It's your husband ma'am. He has been in a serious car accident. We need you to get here immediately. He has been asking for you." There is a long pause.

"Mrs. Hale? Are you there? Mrs. Hale?" I drop the phone. The room is spinning. I try to take a step, but my leg gives way. I stumble forward and try to take another step, but that leg fails too. I end up on my knees. On all fours with my head hanging I gasp for breath, trying to stay conscious.

_Oh God. It is happening again._

I could hear the person on the phone, and people are buzzing all around me, but none of it is clear. I am swaying…hyperventilating….dizziness all consume me.

_It was happening all over again._

My body becomes stiff with the realization that there is a difference this time. They called me first. He wants me there. He has been asking for me. I can make it there before he…he…"Oh God," I let out in a strangled cry.

With purpose now, I stagger to my feet and grab the cell phone and my purse. I wave everyone off, and run out to my car. As I am approaching it, I reach into my purse frantically searching for my keys.

My wallet and other contents fall out onto the pavement. "Fuck".

"Let me help you." A man bends down and retrieves my keys while I gather the rest of my other belongings.

We straighten. "Thank you." I mumble as I grab the keys from his hand, but he isn't letting go. I tug again with clear annoyance on my face.

"Look. I can't play around. My husband has been in an accident…" I stop talking when I see him chuckling at this knowledge.

"I know." He says smugly. "I am responsible."

_What the fuck?_

"Who…who are you?"

"Embry. My name is Embry. Now get in the fucking car." He says as he cocks the gun that he has shoved in my ribcage.

_But Jasper... _

_Please God! Nooooooo!_

Blackness takes hold as consciousness diminishes.

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_Thank you for reading_

_Finding Relief._

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_To Be Continued in_

_Finding Forgiveness_

_Chapter 6 – Out on or before November 15th_


	34. Outtake 1 White Christmas

**AN: Here is a little Holiday present for you all to thank you for all of your support. **

**Also, thanks to my pervy fanfic BFF missmaj for suggesting the content of this chapter and helping me in the areas that I got stuck.**

**Lucy, aka catonspeed made me the most FUCKAWESOME banner for Finding Relief/Finding Forgiveness. Please visit my profile to check out the best freaking banner EVER. Visit catonspeed's profile to find out more information about her fucktastic work. I owe missmaj for this too, because it was her Christmas present to have Lucy do this for me. Much, love bb.**

**For those of you that are not reading Finding Forgiveness we are up to chapter 13 of this story, so we still have a way to go before we get to where this story left off.**

**Cullen818 rocks!**

**I do not own twilight or any of its characters.**

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**Outtake #1 – White Christmas**

Brightness fills the room. Why the fuck is it so bright?

_Ugh. Make it go away._

I turn to snuggle with my beautiful, wonderful, glorious husband of five months, but he isn't there. What the…? Wait a minute…I am forgetting something significant_…oh yeah!!_

IT'S CHRISTMAS! I jump out of bed and stretch in front of the window in our bedroom. Jasper must have opened the curtain to show me when I woke up that we had a fresh new foot of snow on the ground. It would have already been a White Christmas since we already had gotten slammed at the beginning of the week, and that snow had yet to melt.

I am not too fond of the offending, white fluffy stuff, but since I don't have to drive in it, or actually go out in it, I am happy to see it. Skipping to the bathroom, anticipating Jasper and my first Christmas morning together, and then having Emmett and Rosalie over for an early dinner, makes me giddy with excitement.

Charlie and Sue are on a cruise. Carlisle and Esme decided to follow suit, and abandon the cold weather to spend the holidays with Alice and Jacob, who just moved to California. So, it is just going to be a simple dinner with just the four of us, and I am happy for that.

I finish all of my morning routines, including taking a quick shower. I wander into the bedroom in my robe, towel drying my hair. As I am doing this I notice an envelope on my nightstand.

_Hmmm._

I open it up and it reads:

_Meet me in the basement at 8:00am. DON'T be late._

_J._

I glance over at the digital alarm clock on the nightstand and it read 7:56am. _Fuuuccck_.

Not having time to change, and not wanting to be late for my angel's mysterious surprise, I fly down the stairs to find one of the rooms shut, but the light is on. _What is he doing in there? _I peek through the door before I open it all the way, and I am shocked to see how the room looks.

I take a deep breath, and enter the room. Jasper has on a pair of black leather pants and Nothing. Fucking. Else.

_Merry Christmas to me!_

He is barefoot, topless and fucking magnificent. _And mine._ His eyes shine brightly as he looks me over. I skim the room and notice that he has it setup as a "playroom". He didn't have a lot of items in the room, but I am sure what ever he put together will be quite the experience.

I didn't know a lot about BDSM, but after we got together, Jasper and I either consciously or unconsciously has been knocking off all the items on Jasper's "menu".

Yes, I still had the menu, and I never planned on getting rid of it.

When we started role playing as Tanya and Felix this summer, I knew it would just be a matter of time before we dipped our feet in the waters of the next item on his menu - domination/submission.

_Had he ever done it with someone else before?_ As soon as the thought enters my mind, I push it out. Many men come into their permanent relationships with a shitload of experience, and are never questioned by their mates for it. I won't do that to Jasper either.

Walking a couple of steps further into the room, I stop when I realize something. I had read a little online about this topic, trying to prepare myself, in some small way, of what I should expect if and when the time arose, so I am somewhat aware of what I should be doing now. I slowly lower my robe and toss it in the corner. I stand before Jasper completely naked now. I take a few steps closer and drop to my knees in front of him. I lower my head because I am pretty sure I am not supposed to look directly at him, and entwine my hands behind my back.

He waits a moment before he speaks. "Greet your Master." He instructs solemnly. Thankfully, my head is bowed so he can't see my huge ass grin, because I plan on taking this seriously. He just sounds so cute when he is being demanding.

I bend down to kiss his feet and pull myself back up to my knees. Oh, shit…is he Jasper or Felix? I don't want to get this wrong. I don't want to disappoint him, and turn this experience into punishment instead of pleasure.

I really want this experience to be Jasper. Whenever, he is Felix, he is a mystery. I never know what to expect from Felix. In this situation I need my husband…safe and sure.

He must've noticed my confusion. "Is that a proper greeting?..._Bella_." He adds my name with a smile in his voice. _He knows me so fucking well._

"Good morning, Master Jasper." I say quietly with my head bent.

He puts his hand on the top of my head and caresses my wet hair. "That's a good girl."

"Stand up." He says with authority. Again a smile tries to break through, but I manage to keep my face carefully blank.

_Just wait until it is my turn._

Jasper and I are neither dominant nor submissive in our marriage. He may take the edge in dominance, which I don't mind in the least, but mainly our relationship is completely equal. We will most likely dabble in this occasionally, as we do with other things, but I know this is just another way to express ourselves to each other, in yet another way. It won't take precedence or become addictive. It could very well be another year before we attempt this again.

_Hmmm. Maybe a Christmas tradition._

It's not that we get bored, I could fuck Jasper missionary style for the rest of my life and never get sick of it or him, but why not experiment and have fun with each other's bodies? I know the next time it will be my turn to be the Master and I will have this gorgeous man at my feet.

He can bet his ass I will be studying this topic further for my chance at domination.

"Go sit on the chair." I walk over to this chair, which looks sort of like a dentist chair.

_Where the hell did he find this?_

When I climb onto it I notice little things about it that start to worry me a bit. For instance, I notice that the area on which my legs stretch out on, open up, and there are shackles on both sides of my torso.

Again, the love of my life notices my concern. He comes up next to me and strokes my cheek. "The safeword is "Christmas". Please, use it if you have to." He says quietly as he searches my eyes, his own concern etched in his face. I know him just as well as he knows me. He is worried that I won't use it, even when I want to.

"I will. I promise." I whisper back to him.

He stands up straight, obviously convinced. "You will – what?"

"I will - Master." I correct quickly. _Please, please don't punish me._ I am not saying I know much about this – by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know that Master's enforce their rules strictly, with swift and just penalties.

I don't know if I am ready for that yet.

"Please remember to address me accordingly. Next time it won't be dismissed so easily. Do you want to be punished Bella?" I know he is paying a lot of attention to my facial expressions, so I try again to display a vacant expression.

"No, Master." He watches me carefully.

I also know he will take my feelings into too much consideration, and I don't want him to walk away from this experience feeling like he didn't do a good enough job, because he had to hold back on my account. To do this properly I had to maintain composure and not fret over everything.

This is my fucking husband, my soulmate; he would die for me, as I would for him. He would never hurt me…_more than necessary, that is_. I think with an inner smirk.

I am sure that any level of BDSM is an extreme test for anyone. I convince myself that there is nothing safe or ordinary about what is done in here, and you do things that you normally wouldn't. I believe that is why we all have words like "Christmas". I remind myself that safewords are there to let them know if they have gone too far. I have no idea what he has planned, but that is supposed to be part of the intrigue…right?

I'm not going to lie - this is scary, but I trust him one hundred and ten percent.

_Bring it on angel._

He takes my hand and brings it over the bar and snaps the shackle around my wrist, his hand rubs across my palm before letting it go. A sign of reassurance, I suppose. He moves to the other side and does likewise. I look straight ahead, but I know he is gauging my reaction, and I want to make him understand that I have complete confidence in him.

However, all thoughts of this completely diminish when he pushes down a lever on the side of the chair, which spreads my legs wide open. Not only is this position vulnerable, it is slightly humiliating.

Alarm envelopes my body, but I force myself not to use the panic button. Jasper, sensing my apprehension…yet again, moves to the other side of the room and turns on a small portable CD player. Metallica echoes quietly through the speakers. He keeps the volume at a level so that I can hear it clearly, but it doesn't shake the room. Knowing that the familiar sound of one of my favorite bands will ease my tension, I relax my straining muscles to the subtle sounds of "Battery".

I smile softly. Who will ever know me as well as Jasper?

_God, I am so in love this man._

He moves to stand on the side of me and looks down at me with the passion of a man completely in love and lust. He pulls a black silk scarf out of the back pocket of his pants and moves behind me. Knowing where this is going, and that he is behind me so he can't see my face, The features of my face visibly contort into an "Oh Shit!" face.

_Fuck._

Who wouldn't be scared of being shackled, let alone fucking blind folded – no matter who you are with? At least…initially? I take in deep gusts of air to force my shallow breathing to become even again.

_I can fucking do this for him._

I feel something light on my face, feathery almost. What is that? It is so light…I guess a feather or something similar. It tickles along my cheek, down my neck, across my collarbone…

I do my best to hold back a smile; he is tracing the pattern that his tongue and lips usually travel during our lovemaking.

He is making love to me. I use those images to relax me again, and I even moan when the feathery feeling ghosts over my nipples. Fuck, that feels good.

_Hell yeah, I can do this!_

I can feel my nipples pucker as he traces over them again and again. My back arches as I allow the feelings that he is generating in me to overcome any remaining trepidation that I had left.

As he teases me endlessly, I can feel the familiar tingles forming as my pussy contracts, making me wet, beckoning him for his touch…for his entry.

I feel drops on my stomach, hot wetness lands in a pool on my abdomen. My stomach jumps at the arousing feeling of the liquid landing on my exposed skin. What is it? I know I am not correct, but I envision it as Jasper jacking off and cumming all over me. The image makes me moan loudly.

I can sense that he is in between my legs now as I feel his warm large hands cover my abdomen, getting his palms slick with the hot substance. As he massages it into my abdomen, he moves up to my breasts and massages each one, kneading them with his strong hands, in what I am assuming now is massage oil, but I decide to stick with my fantasy and picture that he is covering me with his cum. I writhe underneath him as the erotic image is played out on a big screen in my head.

I feel the familiar tightening in my loins and I am pretty sure that I can have an orgasm with or without his touch. I am positive that it will take only a couple of strokes on my clit and I am a goner.

_Just do it. _

He continues his ministrations; staying far away from the place I need him to be. I want to beg him to stop this torture and give me the release that my body is demanding.

I hear a noise. It sounds like an electric tooth…_oh fuck_.

My thoughts are interrupted when Jasper presses this device against my folds, and I about come unglued. Pure shockwaves of pleasure ripple through me as I move toward my imminent climax.

"Do not cum yet." He demands. I freeze.

_Huh?_ Holding back orgasms? – not necessarily my forte.

_Okay? So, how the hell am I supposed to do this? I have to picture something… _

So I picture my dad and Sue getting it on. I know…totally gross, but isn't that the point? And it works like a fucking charm. The tension ebbs. He grasps my thigh in his strong hand and squeezes slightly, I can feel his approval, it is there in that small intimacy. I can't help being proud of myself too. I needed that fucking orgasm like I needed air to breathe, but instead I chose to suffocate as my Master instructed, and I was paid off with his approval, and there was nothing better than that. I had to be fucking glowing from my triumph, but it is short-lived as I feel the vibrations on my clit and the torture begins again.

The warm, smooth apparatus makes slow circles of vibrations over my sweet spot before it slowly makes it's way into my pussy. The tightening of my muscles is instantaneous.

_Holy fucking shit._ How long am I supposed to hold out for? Visuals of Dad and Sue are only going to be effective for so long. My body is demanding it's due.

I realize that my head is thrown back, and I am gnashing my teeth, as I deny myself the pleasure that I long so desperately for, under the strict instruction of my master.

_Please master._ I want to beseech and beg, but I hold my tongue. My body aches with the pent up desire, and I grow tired of fighting this losing battle. I will fail, and I will be punished.

My body contracts of it's own free will, again. _Pleeaasse_.

"You may cum now Bella." He says. His words are thick and laced with his own torment.

All it takes is his voice to send my hurtling toward my potent climax. He continues the vibrations until the waves of my release subside.

He removes my blindfold and then the shackles. He rubs my wrist and I wince. I look at them and find that they are red and raw. I hadn't realized that I had been straining against them.

I am still not sure if I am allowed to look at him, so I keep my eyes focused on the fingers rubbing my sore wrists.

I stay where I am because he hasn't told me what to do next. He grabs a washcloth and towel and proceeds to clean my body reverently. I peek through my lashes at him as he does this. His eyes following the movements of his hands as he attends to me. His midnight blue orbs are full of tender care as he towels me off.

Wow, that was fucking awesome and I can't wait to express my gratitude.

He touches my cheek. "Bella, you have been very good. I have a present waiting for you in the garage. You may go."

My eyes flicker to the very noticeable bulge in his pants. I am perplexed because I realize he is making it clear he doesn't want me to touch him. I am not sure how I feel about that. I liked this experience, for sure, being bound was thrilling, that is, after I rid myself of my anxiety, and the things he did to me…

_God Almighty._

My face gets heated at the memory of what he had just done to me. I become excited about the prospects of returning this favor. The things I am going to do to him when I get my turn…

"Go." He says thickly.

I grab my robe and head to the door, I open it and turn around to ask him if he is coming, but I stop when I notice his back is to me, and he is bent over with his hands on his knees. I can tell by his back slowly heaving up and down that he is sucking in large gulps of air. There is no doubt in my mind that he was extremely aroused throughout that ordeal, but he wants no pleasure for himself. What did this mean? With a slight shrug, because I know I can have my way with him later, and well, I DO have a present waiting for me, I decide to let him come out in his own time, and I head for the garage.

_What could he be hiding in the garage?_

I reach the interior garage door and thrust it open to reveal my surprise. To say that I am fucking shocked would be a gross understatement. I think I screamed, but I am not one hundred percent sure. I forgo taking the time to get socks or slippers to cover my bare feet, choosing to run out onto the cooled pavement that only below freezing temperatures could accomplish. I jump up and down and squeal as I stare at matching Ducati Multistrada 1200 motorcycles. One red and one black.

_Which one is mine???_

I find an envelope on the red one that says "My Bella." Inside are gift certificates for both of us to get driving lessons. I stare in awe as I feel warm arms wrap around my abdomen. Resting his head on my shoulder he whispers in my ear, "you like?"

I turn around and jump into his arms. This serves two purposes: to show my angel how much I love my gift and to get my frozen feet off the ground. He grabs my ass, so I don't fall as I pepper kisses all over his face. He captures my lips with his, and ravishes my mouth. He presses his swollen cock into my core and lets out a small whimper against my lips.

"It's my turn Bella. I need you." His frantic mouth trails hot kisses down my neck. Seducing me with every nibble and lick.

He brings his lips to my ear. "You were so fucking hot bound like that. It took everything I had not to touch you or myself. I wanted to tell you how much it meant to me that you trusted me like that." He put me down, so I am sitting backwards on the black bike, my legs dangling on both sides. He watches me as I lay almost entirely back on the bike. Our gazes lock as I slowly pull on the belt that is holding my robe together and let it drift open, but only so a sliver of skin of my body is showing all the way down. His eyes flicker the length of me, taking in the sight ,before they return to mine, blazing with smoldering passion.

His leather pants had already been unbuttoned and the zipper already halfway down. He quickly lowers the zipper the rest of the way and peels the leather down his long muscular legs.

_Oh, goddamn, my man is beautiful._

He stands proudly in front of me, unashamed, and perfectly comfortable. He lowers himself onto me slowly, making sure the bike is not going to topple over. One of his hands stay on the bike for leverage and the other hand dives into my robe cupping one of my pert breasts in his palm, his thumb immediately swiping over the crest. I moan when his lips take over where his thumb was. Licking and sucking on the exposed peak. I arch my back with pleasure, and he groans against my nipple. His hand takes over again, massaging and molding my breast in his hand.

"I am not going to last long." He warns, but follows it up with a delicious promise. "But I will make it up to you later."

He slides up me and crushes his lips against mine, as he pulls open my robe and enters me in one swift motion. We both cry out in pleasure as he fills me with his throbbing cock.

He whispers words of love and desire as he thrusts, slowly and languorously for several strokes. All too quickly though, his whispers turn incoherent, the sweet words turn into moans, and his movements become frantic, as he yearns for the relief that he had postponed earlier. He screams when his release comes and he shudders over me continually as his orgasm rockets through him.

This is what he had been waiting for. He just wanted to christen his new bike.

He picks his head up, and he gazes at me through his half lidded eyes. I reach up and move his bangs from his eyes. The poor guy looks like he needs a nap. He lets out a bark of laughter, sensing that I can feel his exhaustion, and lays his forehead on mine.

"I love you, my Bella. Do you like my present, darlin'?"

First and foremost, "I love you too, my angel." I bring my lips up to his for a sweet chaste kiss. I release his mouth and smile mischievously, swatting him playfully on the arm. "Are you fucking kidding me?? I love it!! I am just annoyed that we are going to have to wait to ride them until spring."

"Well, we still have to "ride" yours." He says seductively, as his dick twitches inside of me.

"You, my husband, are insatiable. However, as enticing as that sounds, we have some Christmas presents with your name on them to open, and Rose and Em are going to be here in a couple of hours." He groans heavily, but lifts himself off of the bike and pulls me up into his waiting arms.

Our lips connect for a hard closed mouth kiss before I pull away. As we walk hand-in-hand back to the living room where our Christmas tree is set up I ask, "hey, where did you get that contraption anyway?"

He knows that I am referring to the chair he had me strapped to. His cheeks turn a pretty pink hue before he says vaguely, "umm…I'll tell you tonight."

_Oookkkayy._

^*^

Staring admirably at my the diamond pendant necklace that Jasper got me for Christmas, Rose appraises it with an intensity of someone with a lot of experience with precious gems.

"You did good brother." She barely glances away from the stone. It didn't matter. Jasper and Emmett are consumed with Call of Duty Modern Warfare, which both of them received for Christmas. Jasper merely grunts in response, as his eyes are glued to the television.

Wanting some "girl time" I beckon Rosalie to come with me into the kitchen. "C'mon Rose, and help me set the table, dinner is almost done." Rosalie and I move into the kitchen and resume our conversation on how our individual Christmases went.

"I am going to tell Em that I want matching motorcycles on our first Christmas together." It had been obvious that Rosalie was green with envy when she saw Jasper and my matching Ducati's.

"What do you mean first Christmas? You've been together since last Christmas?"

"No, our first _married_ Christmas."

"Ohhh?? Have you guys discussed that subject at all?" I hedge – not wanting to be one of _those_ married people. The ones that as soon as they are married have to enlist everyone else to do the same.

"Yep." She answers nonchalantly.

"And…" I prod.

Rosalie glances into the living room quickly, and she then she grabs my hand and hauls me into our spare bedroom. She turns her back on me for a couple of seconds, and then swivels back around with her hand stuck out in between us.

She has a big rock on her finger. They are engaged!

We both squeal in unison, while we jump around in a half hug. We stop abruptly when we hear a bellowing voice from the living room. "ROSALIE, you were supposed to WAIT until DINNER!!"

We grin like fools at each other for a second before we run out to the living room and pass out hugs and kisses.

I sit around the dinner table thinking about how much of a fucking shock today had been. This morning seems like days ago! When I wake up to "my Master", then I get my bike, then I get ridden on said matching bike, and now two of my favorite people are getting married.

_What more can I possibly ask for?_

I am brought quickly out of my reverie when Emmett asks innocently, "so Bella, did you get everything you wanted for Christmas?"

"Yes. I sure did." I wink at my gorgeous husband.

"So, how did _our_ chair work out for you?" Emmett says slyly. My smile fades, and my face twists into one of pure disgust.

My head falls into my arms, which are resting on the table. "Noooooo." I groan. Nausea threatens to release the contents of my stomach.

"The images…make them go away!!" I beg, as I push my head further into the hidden space of my arms, willing visuals of Rosalie on that chair, with Emmett doing obscene things to her to disappear.

I can hear Rosalie and Emmett laughing. I pick my head up slightly to look at Jasper. He had his elbows on the table, and his hands were covering his face, but I can see a wide smile on his reddened face.

"C'mon Bella, we've also had sex on your bathroom counter, but I bet you still put your toothbrush down on it." Rosalie says matter-of-factly.

I look horrified, as everyone laughs around me.

I can't help but smile.

_God, I love my life._

* * *

**AN: I know it was a very mild BDSM session. These two are too new at this to try anything too hardcore and I wanted this chapter to be about more than that. Check another two off of Jasper's menu (bondage/BDSM). Fucking on a sexy motorbike wasn't on the menu…but it should have been.**

**Happy Holidays everyone, I hope you enjoyed your gift. If you want to leave me a present you can click on the little green button. Thanks!**


	35. Outtake 2 Insanity Personified

**AN: IMPORTANT**

**PLEASE READ FIRST!**

**This chapter is ****NOT FLUFF****. This is pertinent to the plot associated with the kidnapping of Bella and Jasper's accident. If you are not reading Finding Forgiveness this might not make complete sense. To get more insight as to what is happening at this time you may want to read the last chapter posted in that story before you read this.**

**Also, for those of you not reading Finding Forgiveness we are about even with Bella's chapter 20, so we are getting close to finding out exactly what happened to these two.**

**This chapter occurs between James' failed attempt to call Bella, dialing Leah instead, and the final and most poignant incident from the last chapter. Warning: This chapter is a little twisted.**

**I don't know what I would do without my QueenBeta Cullen818. Thanks for everything.**

**I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

* * *

**Chapter 35 – Insanity Personified**

"Why aren't these things working?" Leah asked to herself with consternation, as she shook the almost empty bottle of pills. She threw them to the seat next to her on the sofa, but quickly reclaimed them, when she fretted for their safety from the possibility of getting sucked into the depths of forbidden territory, in the seemingly bottomless pits that existed between seat cushions. They would be lost forever, and Leah couldn't have that. No, no, no, she relied on these lovely little bites of numbness.

She grabbed her cell phone off of the table and looked again at the screen in agitation. Worriedly she scrolled until she found what she was looking for, and then she smiled.

^*^

Leah had always been daddy's little girl, and the apple of his eye, but her mother, Gianna, saw only weakness, and pettiness in her only daughter. She had tried to raise Leah to be stronger, but she had told Leah on several occasions that she would always be dependent on someone to take care of her. Gianna proved her point when Leah's daddy died unexpectedly. Leah had just turned the tender age of fifteen, and the devastation brought Leah to her knees.

How was one to survive such turmoil? She thought, desolate beyond her own imaginings. She tried to continue on with her life the next few weeks after that…and she felt victorious even. Her many friends constantly commended her on how well she did, praised her on her ability to take care of herself, no matter what her horrid mother had to say.

It wasn't until Leah brought her friends home to meet Gianna a month after her daddy passed on that things changed. Leah had boasted to her mother time and time again about how much her friends liked her, and how very popular she was. She brought them to her mother and introduced friend after friend, lining them up even, to show how organized she was, and oh, how wrong her mother was about her, but instead, her vile mother caused a scene; calling all of Leah's friends mean and offensive names like "Dolls" "Toys" and "Barbie's". She gathered my friends up, and threw them out of the house. Her rant continued, she screamed and cried while she verbally abused me by calling me delusional and crazy.

Gianna went so far as to spread this hogwash to others. Leah saw two very nice doctors who asked her lots of questions, poked her for blood and then performed fun tests. Leah's favorite test was the smell test, where they covered her eyes and asked her to smell things, and she had to guess what they were. The questions and tests were very simple minded and a waste of her time. The doctor's both told Leah that she passed them with flying colors, but then as Leah waited for her mother, giddy with excitement that she could gloat over her success, she overheard the doctor's whispering falsehoods to her mother.

Words such as "Schizophrenic" and "Psychotic" spewed venomously from their mouths, as they attempted to sound professional and trustworthy, but Leah could see through the façade, so she was sure that her mother being much smarter and wiser than her would develop the same opinion, but it wasn't to be so.

_Why couldn't Leah's mother see that they were just out for her daddy's money?_ She wondered. Leah's daddy would have rolled over in his grave had he seen how her mother was wasting away the money he worked so hard to earn for their family. Her daddy would be ashamed, and Leah told her mother so. Gianna slapped Leah so hard that she fell back onto their living room table and broke her arm.

It was only two short weeks later that Gianna packed her daughter a bag and sent her to live at the hospital with the two lying doctor's. Leah came to forgive the doctor's for their foolishness; they were so young after all…and beautiful, especially Dr. Gerandy. Dr. Gerandy had blond wavy hair and deep blue eyes. Both doctor's took their time making her feel special and adored, while they supplied her with the special substance that made her feel no pain for the loss of her daddy, and a mother that clearly took the first excuse available to abandon her to another.

Leah never saw her mother after she had dropped her off at the doorstep that day, and when Gianna died seven years later Leah was ejected from the hospital to finally fend for herself. She had to take three pills a day to keep her from getting the influenza the doctor's had told her, because Leah was especially susceptible to the virus, so much so that she really did believe the result of not taking her daily doses would be fatal.

Leah managed to find a job in a library. It wasn't long after Leah started her job as an assistant to the head librarian that she met what she thought would be the man of her dreams. The handsome and enigmatic man waltzed in to the library with his beautiful face and his expensive clothes.

The first visit, he had spoke with Leah only briefly, in an educated manner when he was looking for a book, in particular, and Leah blushed prettily as he focused his gray eyes on her. After that he made a point of coming in a couple of times a week for several weeks, sometimes not even looking for any books at all, waving around smiles and winks in Leah's direction, eliciting numerous blushes and giggles from her.

Leah was young, beautiful and a catch for any man, but she only wanted one. Embry Call. She waited with baited breath for his visits to the library; it was her favorite times of the week. Finally, after a month he found the courage to ask the sweet girl out.

After the first date Embry predicted that they would marry and have lots of children. He spent the next months wooing, lavishing gifts, and most importantly, attention on Leah, so it was no surprise that after a short eight months of courtship Embry's prophecy came to fruition, and he and Leah were married.

^*^

It was only after they were married, did Leah see the other side of Embry.

Because Embry had done the right thing by Leah, and did not stay the night at her house until after they were married, he was never there in the morning to see her daily regimen of pills.

After Embry found out about her prescriptions he did "research"…on what? Leah didn't know. He made her go to more doctors, a team of them, who ultimately altered her medication. That is when Leah started to see with more clarity. The drugs they had given her had cleared a haze that she never knew existed, and immediately realized that she wanted it back.

Leah and Embry were married for just over a year when she became sick and had to get her appendix removed. It was after that hospital visit that everything changed.

All of a sudden, her husband didn't seem so lovely. He was mean and surly. Having sex with him became a chore, instead of a pleasure. Leah had loved making love with her husband before the new pills but now, she was repulsed by him.

That is when she found solace her blond boy.

It mattered none that she had to pay for him. He gave her what she needed…love…and she had loved him. She still did.

At first, she liked that he wouldn't tell her his name, and that he was so secretive about all of his personal details. The anonymity made the interludes just that much hotter, and Leah could be very convincing when she wanted to be. She knew she was getting close to breaking him down when he had broken it off with her. Is that why? Because she was unraveling the mystery?

When Leah's blond boy told her that he didn't want to see her anymore she thought she had done her best job trying to convince him to stay with her, but in the end, he had pulled away from her and turned his back on her. That moment was like a knife in the heart for Leah, and she hadn't been the same since.

Embry had noticed the change, but instead of consoling her, he had started staying out later and for longer periods of time.

Leah felt all alone.

She had not felt this alone since she lost her daddy so many years ago. She started to question her existence. What the hell was she here for? She had never considered ending it all herself…until now.

Leah put down her cell phone and picked up the other object on the living room table. She studied it for several moments. Her fingertip traveled the length, while her palm weighed it. She lifted it to her face so she could rub it along her cheek to feel the texture and temperature of the device. She brought it to her nose so she could see if the cold metal supplied a scent.

Yes, she could end it all now, but if she did…that would defeat the purpose…she wouldn't get what she wanted…her blond boy. She wasn't giving up hope. No, the lone bullet in this gun was for the person standing in her way. Leah just knew that if Embry wasn't her husband, her and her true love would be together.

^*^

Just across town Embry got into his car to head toward hell…yes, his home had become hell. He knew Leah had been seeing someone on the side and he was completely fine with that, but he wondered what had brought on the sudden change in her attitude.

_If the asshole had hurt her he would break his legs._ He thought in defense of his wife's infidelity woes. Embry still loved his wife, even though he didn't want to. He definitely had a valid reason not to.

After Embry married Leah he discovered her prescriptions, he studied them, because Embry was, after all, a studious individual. After his research, he found that the person that he married, that carefree, lovable creature, was not the person he thought she was.

Embry spent a shitload of money trying to repair his wife. He took her to top doctors in the country. They examined her, one after a fucking other and they all gave Embry the same diagnosis.

He was fucking trapped with a confirmed psycho, but he couldn't stop caring about her.

The doctors advised him that the medication that she was taking put her in a state of surrealism. She was lucid, but she saw everything in very simple terms. So, what Embry had originally found so endearing upon meeting her, mistaking the characteristic for naiveté, began to grate heavily on his nerves.

They changed her prescriptions, hoping that he could have a normal spouse, and she did for the most part…become normal…average. Now she was just average. Her spark had left her, the zest that she had for life was nowhere to be found. What was once a happy-go-lucky girl now stood a shell of a woman.

The best thing that Embry did was getting Leah "fixed". It was easy to pull the wool over her eyes, and after administering a new pill into her routine, the side effects led the ground work to make sure that Leah could never give birth. Leah had thought she was getting her appendix removed, but Embry had paid a surgeon a healthy sum to tie her tubes instead.

Embry sacrificed his dream of having a house full of children, but it wasn't without much depression and anger; anger that he gladly took out on his liaisons.

Embry Call had many affairs over the years. He began by housing some of his women in small apartments that he furnished and paid the rent on, with the agreement that she would only have sex with him, and that they would be available to him whenever he so desired.

But after setting up dwellings for a few, he had tired of the tediousness and decided that the stipulation of monogamy was overrated and opted for the services of the age old paid profession. Currently, he had a couple of girls on the side, Bree and Jessica. Between the two of them Embry's sexual needs were fulfilled.

Embry pulled into the driveway of his two and a half story house with a heavy heart.

_It's too big of a house with no children_. Embry thought demented with sadness, which had not faded with the years. The desire to have children was still profound, but for some reason he couldn't cast Leah to the side or have kids with another. He still loved her.

With his head hanging he walked into the house. Leah's car had been in the driveway but the house was dark and quiet, that is until he heard the clicking sound behind him. Imagining that he was going to be accosted by an intruder, he swiveled around preparing to defend himself from his attacker, but it was just Leah who stood there with a solemn look on her face…and a gun in her hand; a gun she was pointing at him.

"Whoa honey, it's just me." Embry said with a nervous chuckle as he held up his hands in surrender. But upon hearing the all too familiar voice Leah did not lower the gun; in fact, she raised it infinitesimally higher, just over Embry's heart.

"It's you…You did this. You made him go away and I need him back." Leah whispers urgently. Embry senses the severity of the situation, and is aware that he must approach with extreme caution.

"I did this to who? Who did I make go away?"

Embry was concerned that Leah had not taken her pills for the day. Little did he know that she had taken too many.

She shook the gun at him. "My blond boy. He broke up with me because of you."

He took one small step closer to Leah. "Honey, we can talk about this. I can fix things. If you want your blond boy…I can get him back for you. You know I can do that. Right?" Leah considered Embry's proposition. And Embry…Embry was madder than hell. After all he had done for this selfish bitch she planned on killing him?

While Leah mentally crumpled under Embry's skills at persuasion he dared another step closer. "Leah…just tell me who he is and I can get him back for you."

Her eyes filled with tears. Even in the predicament that Embry found himself in, he hated to see Leah like that. "Tell me…let me make it better."

"I don't…don't know…his, his name." She blurted on a sob. _What the fuck?_ Embry thought furiously.

"Who did this to you?" Embry asked.

Leah's face brightened after a moment of thought. "I…I have a picture." Leah pivoted away from Embry, precariously waving the gun around the room in a flurry of motion to get to her cell.

When Leah thrust the cell phone at Embry he lunged at Leah, simultaneously ripping the cell phone out of her hand, and clutching onto the hand that held the fire arm.

Leah tried in vain to pull her hand free, but gave up the futile effort after a moment's struggle. Instead she focused on the phone in Embry's hand. "Can...can you help me?" She asked tentatively.

Leah may have had a good laugh if it had ever managed to sink in that she was asking her husband to help her get her lover back, but Leah was diseased; wrought with contaminated genes, and an unhealthy dose of dreams that she would never see develop.

Embry looked at her shockingly, dumbfounded at her brazenness to ask that of him…but he had offered…so, he glimpsed at the screen of her cell phone. He was surprised to see the face of one of his own courtesan's.

Jessica appeared in the picture with two other men. They appeared to be at the place where he picked Jessica up for their weekly romps. None of them were looking into the camera, so it appeared to be a candid shot.

So, sweet Leah was seeing a hooker too. The coincidence was almost laughable. Embry even managed a smile created by such irony.

What were their names? Embry thought hard. Embry had a talent for remembering names and faces, so while he held Leah's hand in an iron grip he fought to remember the names of Jessica's previously insignificant cohorts.

James and Jasper. That's it. Embry was sure of it. He had even said the names aloud to receive a confirmation from his wife that he was fully aware that she wouldn't be able to supply.

"James or Jasper." Leah had said the names reverently, and the look that glazed over her features had made Embry sorrowful.

_She loved the boy_. He thought pathetically.

He knew which name was Leah's lover, as he was positive that Jessica had told him during one meaningless conversation that the boy named James had relations with other men, so that would mean that he was gay. It didn't take a master at deduction to figure out that Leah's love was Jasper.

Leah sobbed out the names, over and over again.

"You need to sit down. Please come over here." He pulled Leah to the sofa and forced her to lie down, but instead of wrenching the gun away from her, he twisted her arm up so that it was inching toward herself.

Leah realized too late what Embry was in the process of doing. Her voice was lost as she uttered a weak "no". Her eyes were wide and afraid as Embry pushed the barrel of the gun closer to Leah's temple.

"Rest my darling Leah. I will bring him to you. I will bring you your Jasper and you can live together forever."

It was then that Leah knew her time was up. She couldn't fight him off. There was nothing more she could do to save herself. With defeat, her hand went slack on the trigger, and her arm lost all of its defensive tension.

She shut her eyes, and envisioned her blond boy one more time.

_Jasper_.

*^*

Embry watched in fascination as the blood oozed from the corpse of his wife. He couldn't stop staring at her. She looked so peaceful and beautiful. Her plush lips were closed and slightly curved up into what looked like a smile. Embry didn't delude himself into thinking that she had been thinking about him in her last seconds. No, the serene look that Leah had on her face when she gave up her struggle had nothing to do with him, but he couldn't help but see her for what she was so many years ago.

Seeing his wife in her younger form caused Embry to become hard and throb in his slacks. He watched his wife while he palmed himself through his pants. His other hand swept up and caught in Leah's soft locks and then traveled down her cheek. His hand fell further down and paused at the dormant vein in her throat, before sliding along her satiny skin to her chest, which did not rise and fall with breath. He felt for a heartbeat he knew would not be there. He touched her pert breast and squeezed the mound. "Fuck." He muttered as he lowered his zipper. His pants gapped open while he pulled his straining member out of his boxers. There was never a need for lubrication, Embry liked it rough, so his mildly calloused, dry hands gave him an exorbitant amount of pleasure. He stroked his cock, long and hard as he watched his exquisite wife rest in peace. It wasn't long before his release hit him in a tidal wave, at the last moment he created a shield with his hand to protect any of his flow from disturbing his resting wife. He opened his eyes when the tremors subsided to find a droplet of his semen landed on the cheek of his beloved. He bent his head and licked the bead off of her.

"Sleep my darling."

^*^

It wasn't hard to convince Birmingham police that Leah had committed suicide. After receiving the reports of her past health conditions, the amount of drug ingested at time of death, as well as the sworn statement from one of the doctors that had cared for her for so many years, it was literally an open and shut case.

No, it hadn't been hard at all for Embry to convince Dr. Gerandy to tell officials that Leah had threatened to commit suicide many times while she was in his custody. When Embry confronted Dr. Gerandy with his questionable methods for "caring" for his wife years before, Dr. Gerandy agreed to go along with whatever Embry wanted.

^*^

It was with a considerable amount of aggravation that Embry had to sit in his car and wait for Jasper. He was only irritated because Leah had only called the boy "blond", and it wasn't until after she was gone did he realize that both the boys in the photo donned this hair color.

Embry unsuccessfully attempted to pick out the homosexual of the two, by using his nonexistent "gaydar", with no avail.

_They both looked like fags_. Embry had thought with disgust.

He had made the mistake of not asking Leah which one was Jasper, but hindsight being what it was, Embry decided not to dwell on it for too long. He would just simply ask, if it came to that.

He wasn't too worried about getting apprehended. Studying schizophrenia and other similar behavioral disorders gave Embry an advantage. If he was caught fulfilling his wife's last request, pleading insanity would be too easy. Acting the part would be cake. He could be out in as early as ten years; he could do that for Leah.

He was only thirty two; he could still be young enough to have children someday. He sighed at the thought of finding another wife, but was hopeful when he thought about his long lost dream of raising children. He glanced at the illuminated clock.

The hour was late, so after the fifth night in a row, Embry, again, wearily turned the ignition on his car and left the seedy area.

"Soon darling. You will have him soon." He whispered into the dark, cold interior of his vehicle.

* * *

**AN: So I totally had to search for my inner Sandra Brown for this chapter. I am wondering how I did, so tell me if I succeeded at making Leah, crazy but pitiful and Embry the sick fuck that he is. **


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